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Kay_Cee83's avatar

Need Objective advice on a Ex-best friend situation?

Asked by Kay_Cee83 (17points) October 19th, 2014

I haven’t been on this site in a while, I asked a question before about my ex best friend because she was trying to make amends for her attitude, but it didnt work out. She was making excuses for her uncouth and disgusting comments on my relationship and my choices in life. And, I couldn’t get pass her unwillingness to take responsibility, so I kindly told her we are at different points in my life, and maybe we can revisit our friendship years down the line. She took is well (so I thought). 2 months later, I felt the urge to contact her just to see if there is a chance to rekindle our friendship, and she completely dismissed me. Saying things that I wasn’t a good friend, I should have known she was going through tough times that’s why she acting the way she acting, she doesn’t want to talk to me ever again unless I was dying or something like that, etc. I told her she never takes responsibility for own actions, and I wished I never knew her (harsh, but honest).

After that conversation everything was fine, I went on with my life. Gain a ton of new friends, and now drama is happening. Unfortunately for me, me and my ex best friend have mutual friends in addition to she use to go to school with my boyfriend, so they also have mutual friends. She is going around the school making a sob story about me and my boyfriend being the bad guys and she’s the victim, which caused my boyfriend and I to lose a couple of friends who believed her.

I’m still friends with some of her friends and her mother on Facebook. I honestly don’t want the drama, but would it be childish of me to delete her mother and her friends? I’m cordial with these people, but I just don’t want them to use my Facebook as a mean of telling my ex best friend information about me.

Sorry for the long message, its just that I need objective opinions. What my friends are telling me is completely subjective and emotional, and I dont’ want to do anything in a haste.

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10 Answers

snowberry's avatar

You kind of burnt your bridges when you told her you “wished you’d never met her,” etc. That right there is major drama. If you only lose two friends over this thing, you’re fortunate. You can either deal with it as it is, or you can delete your account. I don’t see any other option.

In the future, I suggest when things come to an impasse, try to leave a crack in the door. Say, “Hey, I need some time apart for a while. I’ll check in with you when I have my head together,” or something along that line. In other words, make your criticism be about you, not her.

Kay_Cee83's avatar

@snowberry Thank you for your advice. I’ll just deal with it. As harsh as my words were, I would never take it back. I meant it because she was one of the biggest mistakes I made in my life. But, I should own up for that. However, those who are not part of our “fight” or even know the entire details should gather their own opinions rather than someone else.

LornaLove's avatar

If you really feel as though she was a mistake in your life, then cut her out. I know you have, but that means everything to do with her. So she has the same friends, avoid outings where she will also be there and if anyone wants to discuss it just say: that was a part of my past I’d rather leave behind, but I wish her well and refuse to get involved in any further discussion.

You have zero control over what others think about you, her or your fight. Accept that. It’s hard I know but what are the alternatives? Rushing around to get your side heard first will just lower peoples opinions of you.

Find even newer friends, you seem to make new friends easily enough?

If you feel that your statement is incorrect about wishing you had never met her, then phone her up take her for coffee and try and make amends. If it doesn’t work go back to my first answer and cut her out.

Mimishu1995's avatar

Your story sounds awfully similar to mine. I used to have a friend too. But then at one point I decided that I couldn’t get on with her since there were many conflicts between us. She was childish and aggressive, similar to your friend. One day I did something that didn’t please her, and she did similar things on Facebook like what you mentioned in your first question and this question (posting “cryptic” statuses hinting at me, saying some pretty unkind things about me to everyone…) I couldn’t stand the “saying unkind things” part and I asked her to stop, but she dismissed me, saying I was “just too afraid because that was all the truth”. Eventually we had a big quarrel, and I told her directly that we were unfit for each other. And we walked away forever. After that I went on with life normally, but she continued to “terrorise” me by talking dirts about me (both real and made-up ones). The most recent event was that she posted a Facebook status saying the very similar thing that your friend said: I was a cold-hearted devil and she was the victim, and no one should make friends with me.

I suggest you do what I am doing: go on with life and ignore her. She is being mean. You said you have gained a ton of new friends right? Stick to them. Now they are your friends, not her. They may be better friends than her. You can live without her. And don’t worry about the dirt she is spreading. Just live normally, prove to everyone that you aren’t like what she said, like what I’m doing. My ex-friend is talkin dirts about me, but right now nobody seems to take notice, because I have proved that I’m not the devil like she said. Action speaks louder than words.

As for her Facebook friends and her mother, don’t delete them unless they are being mean with you like her too. I agree it will be very childish if you delete them. Why delete a bunch of innocent people just because they are related to someone you hate? Just treat them like you did before. They aren’t related to your drama.

According to what you said, she sounds very mean, and I think you made a right move to end the relationship. Don’t regret saying that to her.

jca's avatar

I have not yet read the previous comments.

My advice is try not to post very personal stuff on FB anyway. That’s good advice for anyone. As far as the “drama,” stay out of it, and people will say what they want about you. You can’t stop them but don’t get involved. Stay nice and civil to all and she will look like the bad guy.

kritiper's avatar

Stop talking to her mother and friends. If they talk or message you, answer. But don’t initiate conversation.
Your real friends will stay with you. Trust here is omnipotent! There will always be people who assume guilt before proof of innocence and people who listen to only one side of a story before jumping to a conclusion! You can’t do anything about it except maintain your honesty and integrity.

dappled_leaves's avatar

If they are your friends, then keep them. Do you interact with them? I mean, not clicking “Like” on things occasionally, but actual communication? If so, they are not just her friends, they are your friends. If they are not your friends, why are they even on your Facebook? Is the only thing stopping you how your “ex-best friend” will react? There is no reason for you to care about that.

Haleth's avatar

If the “drama” is one-sided, it will sort itself out. Keep doing what you’ve been doing- move on with your life and have fun your new friends. If your mutual friends are clear-headed, they will figure out what’s going on from each of your actions. On the one hand, your ex best friend stirring up trouble and throwing around accusations- and on the other hand, you calmly going about your business.

You may lose a couple friends in the process. But you should really have people in your life who are sensible, clear-headed, and perceptive- not the kind of people who get drawn into “drama.” Don’t reach out to anyone who’s involved in it, but if they ask you, answer their questions in a brief, calm, and honest manner, without drawing out a conversation.

Once the dust settles, your life will be headed in a new and hopefully better direction, and you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you acted with integrity. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person.

snowberry's avatar

@Kay_Cee83 I didn’t mean you should take back what you said, but you shouldn’t have said it, because now you see all the trouble it’s caused. It’s a bit like irritating a poisonous snake; the consequences can be deadly. Yes, you should never have made the connection with her, but it’s not wise to go about irritating her by telling her that. She is bad news, and before you opened your mouth to her, you knew what she was capable of. By saying what you did, you gave her a whole pile of ammunition to use against you. Let’s hope it dies a natural death. You can help it die by not giving her any more ammunition, and ask your friends/family to do the same.

From here on, I suggest that whenever you see her, that you always be short, sweet, and polite. Do not engage with her anymore than you absolutely must.

rojo's avatar

I would say it was time to move on. If you have mutual friends that you are cordial with on FB or whatever, keep them. If you never or rarely communicate with them then it is time to leave them out. Family, for sure leave them, unless, again, you are/were friends with them before your ex-friend.

Basically, keep those who make you happy and are supportive and dump those who are a negative influence or put you down.

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