My dad disowned his whole maternal side of his family without warning, including me, when I was 7. I tried to reconcile with him at age 13, 16, and 25, but each time inadvertently made his wife mad and ended up getting disowned 3 more times. It has affected a huge part of my life, my decisions, self-perception, etc. I talk to him now but there’s a distance that I don’t think will ever be breached.
My mom was verbally abusive- very sarcastic and demeaning with her words for most of my life, but I’ve gotten past that. What I will never forgive her for is tricking me into giving up custody of my son when he was 3. I was a single mom and doing the best I could—I wasn’t partying, wasn’t on drugs, was working and very dedicated to my son, but she didn’t think I was ‘good enough.’ So, she asked me if I would be willing to give her some legal say-so in regards to his medical needs, i.e. if he was in the ER, she could make decisions about his medical care. I thought that was a good idea, but in the lawyer’s office, I skimmed the papers and didn’t really understand what I was signing—until it was too late. I got my son back 5 years later, “on loan,” but she warned me she would be watching every move I madeā¦ I didn’t have the money to fight her in court, so was just happy to have my son. I still have a deep-set hatred of her for this.
There’s one more thing I haven’t forgiven. When I was 15, my mom, stepdad, stepbrother and I were on a road trip family vacation from Florida to Chicago. My mom and stepdad got into an argument, he took his son, took the van filled with all our things, and left. He left my mom and me in Chicago without her purse, without any money, extra clothes or anything, and went right back to Florida. Fortunately, this was in the 1980’s and the cops were willing to help my mom talk to the credit card companies and we got back to Florida in one piece.
I’ve had a few “black plastic purse” moments as well, so I know that feeing of shock/despair/horror, etc.
Those 3 incidents really shaped how I viewed myself, how I reacted to people, the relationships I attracted, and how I lived my life. Since I’m a natural people-pleaser, I have just kept it inside- I don’t feel like dealing with the fallout if I say anything, so I tend to rationalize and try to move on. Sometimes I wonder what really would happen if I allowed that dam to break.