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dami's avatar

Is it ok to have a crush while in a committed relationship?

Asked by dami (34points) June 9th, 2015

I want general opinions on this. To me, a crush is harmless as long as your intentions aren’t to get closer to this person than you are with your SO. Also, it isn’t necessarily bad IMO if the crush is kept secret. Now, telling this person that you’re into them would be a complete red flag. It’s just like saying “Keep Going”. What do you think? Are crushes acceptable during a relationship? Is it basically already cheating? Or is it just a red flag and something to nip in the bud?

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19 Answers

Darth_Algar's avatar

In my view crushes are fine. I suppose it depends on how jealous your partner is, but for myself I won’t stay with someone who’s prone to jealousy.

Mimishu1995's avatar

Does “crush” here means “someone so handsome that you stand from a distance and look and has never known you” or “someone you feel romantically interest and and has known you”?

If it’s the former, then you are all good. You only like him for the eye-candy factor.

Otherwise, it’s a red flag like you said. Your feeling for the crush may develop so strong that it gets stronger than your feeling for your SO. And the rest you know.

If you are so easily distracted by another person your relationship won’t be good.

JLeslie's avatar

Depends how you define crush. The way I define it, it’s not ok. I don’t think there is anything wrong with finding someone attractive, or enjoying someone’s company, personality, knowledge, etc. Crush to me means you are thinking about that person even when not with them. Plus, if you feel it should be kept a secret that’s a red flag. Men who I might crush on if I weren’t married, or they weren’t married, are just simply great guys. I don’t crush on them.

stanleybmanly's avatar

A big chunk of the human condition is wrapped around the fact that we so often have little choice as to whom we find attractive. As the answers above point out, “crush” needs defining. To me words like crush and infatuation are like decorating the blade of a meat cleaver with hearts and cherubs. Those words are gentle disguises for what is at bottom obsession—a word with more sinister implications, but right on the mark. Good job @JLeslie!

dabbler's avatar

Feelings are always innocent.
How you act on them says everything about your moral character.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

No, totally dishonest and always answer the question – how would I react if it was done to me? If you are not sure, break up directly and honestly and then do what you like!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

A crush is okay. It might make you look at your s/o and think about what you need to work on in your relationship so you’re not looking around. If you go further than just a crush then you might have some issues.

dami's avatar

@Mimishu1995 Nice answer(: I agree with your feedback there. It’s only a problem if we make it one…There has been other people I realized I’d be compatible with, but even so I know that I’m happy with who I am with and that I won’t get too carried away with my “crush”. Thanks for answering!

dami's avatar

@JLeslie Thanks for your answer. I think it was very well said. I think it is a little bit of something that has bothered me. These “crushes” usually happen without my knowledge. Of course I never try to make a move since I’m in a relationship…But I find myself flattered by things they say or at random moments find myself initiating a daydream of some sort about them. :/ Yeah, I guess it’s okay to find someone attractive and to like their personality…but to me, that is the definition of a crush. The urban dictionary describes it as a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special. I wouldn’t take it this far! I consider it more like that hot guy friend you have, or that cute cashier at WalMart, or even that one guy on the opposing basketball team. Nothing too serious. Is this normal?

dami's avatar

@dabbler I never act on these feelings! When I want to, I have very good self control. So I assume that these things are harmless. Thanks for your answer!

dami's avatar

@Adirondackwannabe Thanks for your answer! I like it. Well, he’s amazing and I love him. There’s nothing wrong in our relationship. I’ve even told him about these “crushes” or whatever and he says they are something to keep in check but he wasn’t mad. The ones I usually find myself crushing on are ideally my type. I think that’s why I feel a little bad about it.

JLeslie's avatar

@dani Happen without your knowledge? I don’t get it. Either you are crushing on someone or you aren’t.

anniereborn's avatar

My husband and I both get crushes. Sometimes it’s on the same person :p

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@anniereborn That could be kind of fun. :p

dami's avatar

@JLeslie Yes. Without my knowledge. As in unexpected…out of nowhere.

Darth_Algar's avatar


Sounds like your husband is a lucky dude. The couple that pervs together stays together.

rojo's avatar

Yeah, I am gonna fall back on the what is a crush defense and give you This to assist in figuring it out. My personal feeling is of not consequence here. It is up to you to determine where you stand and what you and your SO are comfortable with.

JLeslie's avatar

@dami I’m going to assume English is your second language. Without your knowledge doesn’t mean that in that sentence.

extremely_introverted's avatar

I consider it cheating, emotional cheating. I don’t think it’s that bad though.

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