General Question

chelle21689's avatar

Should I move in with my boyfriend's family and pay rent?

Asked by chelle21689 (7405points) September 16th, 2015

As many of you know, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we are serious, meaning we plan to one day marry and have kids. He’s 25 and I’m 26. Some of you know I stay at his house a lot but I go back and forth between my parents’ and his place. At our age in Asian culture it’s still pretty common to live with parents if not married.

Anyways, he lives in a house with his sisters and one of their boyfriends. It used to be his moms but she got married and moved out. House was supposed to be my boyfriend’s but all his sisters moved back in after relationship issues in the past.

For a while we have been talking about getting our own place but it’s hard when my job is kind of unstable but I’ve been saving money and him going to school is a lot of money. We are so tired of cleaning up after his sisters. We clean their dishes, put them away, throw away old spoiled food they leave out and in fridge, take out trash, cut grass, buy groceries, and I’ve cleaned the bathroom.

So last night my bf and I were completely shocked when they called a meeting and said we don’t help out enough. We explained how we have done so much and they just brushed over it on to another “issue” saying we never help buy toilet paper and other essentials when running low. My bf defended me saying I do that stuff. It is the truth, but I haven’t recently because I haven’t seen it ran low because I always see it in stock. So we said if it’s a problem let’s make a list of things we run low on and they’re like “I don’t think that’s necessary you should be adult enough to know” as if we’re psychic. They feel like they shouldn’t have to announce it.

Anyways, also they want me to pay rent now too. $400/month. I understand that and I believe that is fair, since I’m there a lot but I seriously wanna move out but I’m only there if my boyfriend is there. Do I really wanna pay rent for a place where nothing is mine and I have no property like clothes and such there when I can stay at my home and save money for a place?? My parents never made us pay rent so I can save money easier And maybe stay at my bf’s on weekend.

so bottom question:

1. They think my bf and I don’t do much around the house when we feel it’s opposite. They don’t even want to compromise on how to fix things, what do you suggest? We kind of “process” things differently.

2. Should I pay the $400 a month just to be with my bf for a place I want out of? Or is it better to stay more at my own place with parents (whom are never home) to save money for an apartment/condo next year?

At this point my bf I want to make it an early push next year for our own place. Last night he said he was tired of dealing with their stuff.. Maybe it’s just because having 5 adults is bound to clash. They have pissed me off so much on other stuff, this is the cherry on top to say I don’t help out. At least he’s on my side…

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21 Answers

janbb's avatar

Why move in to and pay money for an aggravating situation that you and your BF want out of? The sisters will never be happy with you. Save your money, stay with him when you want and move in together soon.

jca's avatar

I agree – stay home and save toward something you want.

Just an aside, even though it’s beside the fact at this point, what you should have done with the toilet paper issue is buy it even though you know it’s not low. They probably wanted to see you show an effort and keep it stocked up high.

chelle21689's avatar

I was strongly leaning that way anyways, just looking for opinions. Staying at my parents and put that money to a better situation.

chelle21689's avatar

We just felt really offended that they said we don’t clean or do much. My bf defended me saying he sees me do those things already which I so appreciate. I just hated how they came about it saying their mom raised the sisters to be a certain way as if I was raised and brought up incorrectly.

chyna's avatar

Don’t put yourself in the emotional turmoil of living with them and paying rent.
If your parents aren’t home much then you and your boyfriend should stay at their home more than his. Maybe they just want you out and thought if they charged you, you wouldn’t stay there as much.

stanleybmanly's avatar

The central issue here is ownership of the house. Is there a mortgage? What are the brother’s responsibilities were he to move out? Given the attitude of the sisters, the boyfriend should threaten to leave with you and see how the sisters adjust to that.

chelle21689's avatar

@stanleybmanly The house belongs to the mom, I’m not sure if the house is paid off but I am thinking it is not? They’ve had it for about 16 years or so. I just know that my boyfriend and his sister’s boyfriend pays rent and the sisters pay the rest of bills. Not sure if the sister contribute to the house payment. The house still is under the mom’s name and is technically hers, as I mentioned before the plan was supposed to become his house but it looks like plans had changed when his sisters had relationship issues and moved back in. He was waiting for them to move out but it seems like things are getting kind of worse and tiring that he has also been thinking about starting to look also.

Maybe shoot for summer of next year. I want to give myself more time to save money and get a better job. I also had Japan in plans to travel as one of my main things to do in life and it has always been pushed so I’ve saved.

Tropical_Willie's avatar

Don’t pay money for a stressful conditions.

zenvelo's avatar

Your fully moving in there would be my idea of hell-on-earth.

You have complained about the sisters before, and your boyfriend deferring to them rather than you. To be around that all the time everyday, with no place to go, would be awful.

You not only need to get away from the sisters, you need a boyfriend who will stand up for you when the “family” begins to criticize.

SmashTheState's avatar

Confirmation bias means people will only see the things which they want to see. I had a room mate who never did the dishes. Ever. After a year or so of constantly washing his dishes, I decided to stop and see what happened. Eventually every single dish was dirty and the kitchen turned into a swamp, and which point my room mate confronted me about my mess. I brought him into the kitchen, surrounded by moldy, rancid dishes, and told him to point to a single item – just one single item – which I had dirtied. He looked around and couldn’t find anything, which only infuriated him further. No one is going to accept that she or he is the villain in her or his own narrative, and will use denial and outright delusion to shift blame to someone else.

You are never going to convince your boyfriend’s sisters that you pull your weight and it’s them who are not. They will rationalize anything necessary to confirm their beliefs, even if it’s clearly and patently false. If you move in, you will be paying money to be their scratching post. Absolutely nothing you can do or say will make them admit that they are the antagonists. You know their natures. If you can live with this, fine. If you can’t, then you’d be a fool to move in.

chelle21689's avatar

@zenvelo did you see where I mentioned he was defending me?? I said he did…

stanleybmanly's avatar

You have work to do. You and the boyfriend need to do a better job of assessing the monthly expenses, including the rent. Division of the total by 5 would seem an equitable solution to determining what’s fair. The disputes over the household chores and duties comes down to personalities, always the the least solvable of any issues. Once again, what are the brother’s obligations to the house once he leaves?

jca's avatar

@chelle21689: Didn’t you have an issue recently, where you asked a q on here about the sisters not inviting you to family functions?

I don’t remember the details but I am not sure what your boyfriend did about that.

I am not married so I don’t speak from experience, but I know it is more pleasant when you like your in-laws than when they’re cold and unwelcoming.

chelle21689's avatar

@jca The sister do not invite me to any of the “girls” things but at this point I’ve learned to not care about that. I did care about not being invited to “family” dinners that occur some time, I explained that to my bf and then I started being able to go to them dinners as well as the significant others.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I don’t understand. There doesn’t seem to be any positive reason for moving in with your boyfriend and his siblings. If anything, it will only make matters worse for you, not only short-term but long-term.

The boyfriend needs to work through this with his sisters. They need to figure out how to cover expenses, divide tasks, and set house rules to the satisfaction of all parties involved, which may include the mom if she is the homeowner.

Buttonstc's avatar

You might as well ask “Should I flush $400 down the toilet each month until I get sick and tired of living with quarrelsome, hostile people”?

Why even start? You don’t need this kind of aggravation in your life. Save your money until you can afford your own place ON YOUR OWN. and if your bf ever comes to his senses, let him split the rent with you. But there’s a reason why I emphasize to be able to affford it on your own.

You should not put yourself in the position where you are financially dependent upon the bf and in danger of losing your home if he doesn’t follow through.

If things work out with you two that’s fine. But if they don’t, you should not have to give up your home.

It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense that he’s putting up with all of this nonsense from his sisters, especially since he will not end up with any equity in the house for all his troubles and amount of rent he’s paying. It makes no sense at all.

I remember when you first posted about this situation where it appeared that there might be a possibility of him owning the house (or co-owning with his mother) but things needed to be cleared up.

Well, the situation is clear now and there seems to be no good reason for him to be paying rent for all this aggravation when he could just as well pay rent elsewhere and be free from the aggravation.

And his willingness to drag you into it as well, doesn’t speak well for his judgement.

Why on earth would you want to invest even a penny into that ridiculous situation, much less waste $400 a month until you can’t stand it any more? That’s a lot of money to be throwing away.

Save your money until you can get your own place and hope that the bf comes to his senses.

cazzie's avatar

No no. His sisters aren’t paying rent and they live there? Sounds like some spoiled princesses. Perception bias all over this one. Make yourselves scarce. Save money for the two of you to get your own place. Without your boyfriend paying rent at the house the mother might have to charge the pretty pretty princesses their fair share.

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chelle21689's avatar

We talked last night and we are shooting for next summer to get a place together. He said he’s tired of dealing with their crap too. They shall see…
They better not dare cling to him and depend on him or guilt trip him into staying for cheaper rent EITHER!!!
@cazzie, they do pay for electric, water, gas, cable/internet if that helps?

cazzie's avatar

@cazzie The rent and the bills should be divided. The two sisters have the two guys paying the rent and they pay the utilities. It sounds like the girls are being supported for their portion of the rent by their mother. My electric, water, gas and cable/internet is a fraction of the cost of my rent/mortgage. If they want you to pay them 400 a month, they will probably in the black after they pay their bills for the month. I think it is very unfair and I think they way they spoke to you was highly out of order.

chelle21689's avatar

After all that has happened with them in the past, I’m just over it. I don’t really give a care about their little inclusive girl nights or anything like that. This was the cherry on top. I’ll be cordial or whatever but I’m basically done with them or even caring about being involved with them as a “friend” or “sister”. I even thought about when we marry one day if I want to have them join the wedding party to feel more connected as family but never mind.

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