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beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

How do I deal with a shady and suicidal roomate?

Asked by beautifuldreamingstars (163points) January 27th, 2016

How do I deal with a room mate who says she’s suicidal or going to kill herself ?

I’m kind of worried about my room mate. She’s 36, single, does trade shows/ stand in work, and has a therapy dog.

This is only my 4th month living here with her, it’s a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment in Los Angeles.

We had a 3rd roomate ( a guy ) who was renting out an enclosed part of the living room. He moved out around the beginning of the month of January.

He recently moved out but he had some of his mail still come to our place. On Friday his mail came in and I left it on the kitchen counter for the entire weekend. He said he could come by Sunday evening to pick up his mail that had an important check in it. My roomie (the one that says she’s suicidal) came home on Sunday night and took his mail…... I guess she threw it out, took it, threw it in the trash…. Who knows what she did with his mail…... As soon as she got home his mail that was sitting on the kitchen counter magically disappeared…..

He was already on his was Sunday. He came to our place asking where his mail went. I confronted our roomate and she said she put it in the outbox by the fountain in our apartment…... She starts yelling and screaming that she’s going to call the cops. She says she doesn’t have his mail and it’s “return to sender”.... So we ask her where she put his mail. She said it’s in the outbox by the manager’s…...

Then later one she says she put it in an outbox by a Gelson’s (a grocery store here in LA)..... So she lied about where she put his mail. She also said that if he killed her dog she would commit suicide…....... I have no idea why she would say that, no one cares about her dog….... Anyway, during this entire incident she’s sending me text messages saying she’s going to commit suicide…....

I am still here living with her but now it’s very awkward.

I don’t feel safe around her because I don’t know if she’s taken or stolen anything of mine…. I don’t want her to steal or take my mail. He said the she has over $1,000 of his checks….... That she’s been keeping or just throws it out…..... We think she had a crush on him then threw out his mail out of spite….. but my point is that I don’t feel safe around her. She acted like a psychopath screaming, yelling, etc. What she did to our old friend / roomate is extremely shady, mean, etc….. and I also thought that tampering with someone else’s mail was illegal???

I was friends with her first but I’m not anymore because I believe what she did to him was wrong and not cool at all. Who does that? Who takes someone else’s mail out of spite and throws it away??? She mentioned about me having a door on my lock… I don’t feel safe if I don’t have a lock on my door. I don’t know if she’ll go through my mail or steal my things.

Anyway, I just want to know how can I deal with this situation? I’ve been pretty much just ignoring her and doing my own thing.

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30 Answers

janbb's avatar

You seem to have a lot of “shady” situations in your life. I would definitely move out of this place as soon as possible. Who wants to live with a nutjob?

ZEPHYRA's avatar

You still living with her?

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Don’t get involved in the drama. Tell them to not involve you.

Darth_Algar's avatar

She sounds more like a drama queen than someone who’s actually suicidal. Advise your ex-roomate to contact the police about the checks, then stay out of it and find a different place to live ASAP.

jca's avatar

You can call about her saying she’s suicidal and they’ll take her in for 72 hour observation.

I agree with the previous that it’s not a situation that seems healthy to live in. Not healthy emotionally, and maybe not safe. I would find a new roommate or move out.

Have you signed a lease with her?

dappled_leaves's avatar

Move out. You barely know her; there is no way you can fix her problems or convince her to behave rationally. Cut your losses, and get out; don’t give her your new address. It’s not like she’s going to forward your mail, anyway.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar


Yeah, that’s what me, my other roommate and my boyfriend think…. Being overly dramatic… but I’ve never been in this situation where I’m around someone who says they’re “suicidal”. I’m not sure how to take it or how to act around her. I want to be compassionate but (like most everyone said) I feel it’s just drama. I pretty much just keep my distance from her and cut her out. My friend blocked her number. The only place I see her within the apartment is the kitchen and hallway. But other than that I keep my space. I think that’s just what I’ll keep doing.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@ZEPHYRA Yes I am currently still living with her. However I don’t plan to be here much longer. I plan on moving out within some months. I just keep my distance from her and me and my other roommate blocked her. It’s super awkward though. I want to be kind and compassionate and a good friend. I want to be kind if she really is suicidal like she claims- but I don’t know…. At the same time I feel like what she did was totally wrong and mean. I’ve been treating it like a regular roommate situation from now on instead of a friend.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@jca No I haven’t signed a lease with her. She wanted me to I think. We kind of spoke about it before. I have good credit so it wouldn’t be a problem- but after this situation no way. I think she kind of revealed herself in this situation. I never planned on staying here long though, but I think I’ll move out around Spring or before Summer. and then totally cut ties. She’s a decade older than me and super immature. By saying she’s suicidal I don’t know if that’s an actual cry for help or just being overly dramatic.

janbb's avatar

I think you should think of moving out sooner if you can.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar


I’m not sure if that’s some kind of underhanded back comment to me. Fluther is a place used to find solutions to problems and get opinions from others. It’s funny that you judged me without even knowing who I am just from a few questions. I have yet to ask questions about my volunteer trip to South Africa helping orphans – is that shady to you? I haven’t asked questions about attending one of the best acting schools in the country- is that shady to you?

Are you perfect? Have you had a perfect life? But yet you are judging me for some questions I asked. Do you feel better about yourself? I hope you do.

janbb's avatar

Not judging you at all. I’m sorry if my wording implied that.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@janbb No it’s okay, and I apologize if I came off mean or agitated in my comment.

si3tech's avatar

@beautifuldreamingstars From your description of her behavior you must know she can not be trusted. Quietly and matter-of-factly you do need to move now! I believe it is urgent for you to leave now. It is not safe or necessarily accurate to “assume” she is being dramatic.

Buttonstc's avatar

How did you find her to rent from? Craigslist, another type of ad or was it a reco from someone?

What method will you use to find another rental situation?

The reason I ask is because you have just as much right to ask for references from your future rental as they do to ask the same from you.

It should work both ways. In the future plan to ask why they are currently seeking a roommate. Why did the previous tenant leave.

Ask how many tenants overall they’ve had and in what period of time. Ask for at least one name and phone of previous roommates, preferably more. And then CALL THEM and ask for their honest feedback about how their experience was while living there

These are all valid questions to be asking and a normal person won’t mind you asking them.

If they object to giving you any info on previous tenants, look elsewhere. This way you weed out the shady ones right up front

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar


I actually met her while working on set about a year ago, I’m an actress. Hours on set can range from a few hours to full on 14 hour days. I think that day was a full day and we hung out. She seemed normal. We only met that 1 time on set and we kept in touch on Facebook, Instagram, texting, etc. Judging from that one time and from her social media life- she seemed like a normal cool girl that I could be friends with.

I ended up moving and was looking for a place in Craigslist. I responded to an ad in a nice neighborhood for exactly what I was looking for. It’s centrally located and nearby all the studios, workshops, hot spots, etc…. When she responded she was like “Hey I know you! Didn’t we work together one time?!”..... and that’s how we met up again!!! I thought wow it was crazy but cool to bump into a friend that I knew from set! So I said why not!

It seemed like a good place. The location is good. It’s private. The only thing is that I do have a room mate (her). I wasn’t planning on moving out this early. Now it’s just awkward. I had a plan of how this year would turn out. My goal was to have my own place in the Hollywood Hills before the end of the year. So I’m kinda wondering now if I should work even harder to move out of her faster….. I already paid for February, and I don’t think I’ll be completely ready to move by March. I’ll try for April, I think that’s doable. Thank you everyone for the advice. I just wanted other people’s opinions to make sure I’m not the only one thinking it’s bizarre.

I’ve just pretty much been keeping my distance.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@Buttonstc My dad has real estate in different parts of Hollywood, I can ask him for advice. I plan on just asking around from friends or if I see any apartments that have open spaces. I plan on getting a studio apartment. I don’t have everything (money wise) completely ready to move so soon though. I know I’ll find a good place.

You’re totally right. When I moved in, I didn’t think this through. I thought she was “normal” (in that she doesn’t steal or throw out mail, say she’s suicidal over and over again, etc). I’m not overreacting or weirded out for her saying she’s suicidal right??? I mean I really don’t know what to do.

Buttonstc's avatar

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. The biggest problem when someone says they’re suicidal is that you never can be 100% sure that they are just doing it for drama.

It places a tremendous and unfair burden upon the hearer because normal people feel a sense of responsibility. In truth, if someone is really committed to suicide there’s little that anyone can do.

The sooner you get out of there the better it will be for your health and well being.

janbb's avatar

@beautifuldreamingstars I agree with @Buttonstc. It may be a cry for help or a may be a ploy but people who want to commit suicide usually do and there’s little youcan do. In any case, she is a toxic person in your life that you need to get away from.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@janbb @Buttonstc

Definitely, for sure thank you. I really appreciate everyone’s insight into this. I do feel and know now that she’s toxic. I have depression in my family and do have suicidal thoughts but I’ve never mentioned that to anybody. I keep it inside (which I know isn’t healthy).

I’m not saying that this takes away from my roomate if she is in fact suicidal… I just don’t know. I Googled about people saying they’re suicidal…. Whether this could be a cry for help or just a ploy into her drama…. I’m actually seeing my therapist today and I’m going to ask her opinion of what I should do. I already started looking for new places to move to.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@janbb I blocked her from my social media accounts and haven’t spoken/texted her since the incident. My area is almost like a studio apartment, we only bump into each other in the kitchen or hallway…........ but it’s definitely weird and awkward and she knows.

I have not spoken 1 word to her and I probably won’t. When I went into the kitchen I didn’t even make eye contact with her and just pretend she doesn’t exist. Anyway thank you for your advice and help. Like I said I wasn’t sure how to deal with this….. Ughh…. I’ll see what my therapist says today…... She’s a professional so I think she’ll give me good advice…..

but like everyone has said I’m pretty much looking to move out now because it’s completely toxic…...

Buttonstc's avatar

Therapists ALWAYS take talk of suicide seriously at face value. They don’t have the option not to. It’s part of their job.

However , it’s not YOUR JOB.

If she should ever decide to try to manipulate you by threatening suicide directly, there is something you can do. Call 911 and make a police report. Obviously don’t call while still in her presence. Call from your room.

Until they arrive, immediately write down exactly what she said to you (or as near as you can recall)

When they get there, it’s up to them as to whether or not they take her to a hospital to be put on a 72 hr. hold for Psychiatric evaluation.

Whether they do or not isn’t the point here. The point is that you’re doing what a responsible person would do. It’s not your job to determine her intent.

That’s their job and the Psychiatrists job, if it comes to that.

The main thing this will do is teach her that she cannot manipulate you in this way. Whether they actually take her to a hospital or not , this will be an experience she will not be eager to repeat.

The last thing you need is for her to cause you the extra stress and drama of suicide threats when you tell her you’re moving out.

I don’t know whether she would do that but she sounds like a dangerously unstable person. So the FIRST TIME she starts talking suicide to you is when you need to call the Police.

It doesn’t matter whether you think she’s just doing it for drama. You can’t crawl inside her mind. Call 911 and let the professionals handle it. That’s their job. It’s not yours.

This way you can sleep soundly at night knowing that you did the only thing possible for someone who is not a trained professional to do. You acted responsibly , let the proper authorities know and left it in their hands.

Moving is stressful enough. You don’t need anything additional wrecking your sleep.

Take care of yourself. That should be your priority, not dealing with her craziness.

BTW: I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if your therapist tells you the same thing. Your first priority is your health and well being, not hers.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@Buttonstc Thank you for your long response, I definitely agree with you.

And yes- my therapist told me the exact same thing.

She told me that she’s not my responsibility and being 36 she’s a full grown adult who knows how to take care of herself. She told me it’s not my responsibility or burden. She said that if I feel like she’s going to commit suicide I can call 911.

Do you guys think I should ask my roomate directly if she still feels suicidal?

@Buttonstc – I actually do think she was using “I’m going to kill myself” as manipulation. But again I have no idea as well. I do need to take care of myself. Do you think I should ask her if she’s still suicidal?? Or should I go to the police ? Or call the suicide hotline and tell them that my roomate said she’s suicidal?? Thank you for your help and feedback.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@Buttonstc Should I show the police the text messages of the suicide? or should I call the suicide hotline? I have no idea if she’s still suicidal and thinking about it. She has a therapy dog, that’s all I know. I have no idea if she’s actually depressed or a drama queen. Do you think I should go up to her and ask if she’s still suicidal? I’ve been keeping my distance, ignoring her and she knows it. I blocked her and she blocked me as well, so she definitely knows we aren’t cool anymore.

I’m thinking tomorrow I might call the suicide hotline to see what they say.

You’re right it’s not my responsibility….. I feel like this is looming over me about her suicide. When I walk into the apartment and she’s laying on the couch we don’t even make eye contact. It’s completely awkward. A part of me what’s to yell and scream at her.

Darth_Algar's avatar

No, do not ask her if she’s suicidal. In fact, I would say or do nothing more unless she herself actually threatens it again.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar


Ok I won’t. I’ll just completely ignore the whole thing and her.

Buttonstc's avatar

Definitely don’t ask her anything further.

I only said what I did in case she further tries to manipulate you in the future (like when you give her notice of your moving. )

What’s in the past is done. Leave it be. You don’t need any more drama. Just keep the 911 option in your back pocket in case of future manipulation.

Just concentrate on getting out of there as soon as is feasible. I assume you have a lock on your door? If not, get one. If she tries to complain, tough. Just tell her that, in light of what just happened to the previous roommate, you have a right to protect your personal property.

And even if nothing at all happened, as a tenant you have a legal right to a lock on the space which you’re renting from her.

She knows what she did was wrong (as well as illegal ) Too bad for her that she couldn’t keep her hands off the other guys mail.

Obviously she’s quite a vengeful person so you don’t need to worry whether she’s going to turn that in your direction by going through your things while you’re at work or whatever.

BTW; don’t delete any of those text messages. Hopefully you won’t need them. But they are very handy for verification if you need to call the Police.

beautifuldreamingstars's avatar

@Buttonstc Okay you’re right I won’t ask her anything. I’ve just been ignoring her. Yes I do have a lock on my door. But what scares me is the last text she ever sent me on Sunday she said she “allowed” me to have a lock on my door and management doesn’t allow that in case they need to go to my bathroom. I didn’t respond to her text. But she must be insane if she think I’m taking the lock off my door…. or even leaving a spare key to my bedroom out….. No way…..

And no I didn’t delete the text messages….. I even took screen shots where I caught her lying. I took screen shots of her saying she’s going to kill herself. And I have another screen shot where she accuses our other roommate of wanting to kill her dog. Absolutely crazy. Anyway thank you. I am looking at places to move to at the moment.

It isn’t right what she did at all so I don’t feel bad whatsoever for ignoring or giving her a bad attitude. She knows what she did was wrong. Thanks for the advice. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t the only one who thought this was wrong.

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