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Rethroz's avatar

Unsure what my next move may be in this relationship/friendship?

Asked by Rethroz (38points) February 1st, 2016

Bon matin to all of you viewing this thread,

This woman and I have been together for two years and ten months, another year and a month seperated but still in contact with each other. As I was away in a facility for quite some time, around six-eight months into my stay, she asked for a break, and I accepted and respected her decision. During my absence, she had sexual relations with three other guys before the ‘break’, and had a relationship (which lasted about two months) with one of the guys after our ‘break’.. During her relationship with him, the guy did not exactly treat her respectfully. From what she has told me, he has not beaten her, but simply became sort of a controlling factor in her life. Shortly after my release from the facility, the guy goes on to explain to her that ever since I have gotten back, she’s changed, and that she is being ridiculous (when in reality, he was more upset and angry over her wanting to be with me, more than him), he proceeded to threaten me to which she responded by telling him they were done. I’m not exactly sure why she did not put a stop to the relationship before. And not too long after, the guy apologized to her for the occurrence, and since it was she who was in contact with him, not me. Telling her that he would never hurt her or anyone she loved, then as she remained persistent, he turned back to the disrespectful persona and insulted her, even told her he wanted nothing to do with her. Well, you guessed it, he attempted on multiple occasions to call her and text her and when she decided to respond, he apparently became “sincere” in his words and intentions. She expressed to me that the reason she has not tried to tell him to back off is because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone emotionally, nor does she want to lose anyone. Okay, few things wrong in this statement (right?). Now, she’s in the middle of a situation where she feels she has to choose. I’ve told her on multiple occasions she does not have to do this, that she needn’t to worry about me because I am fine, and really, I am not hurt by the situation because I understand. I still love this woman, and I think it hurts me much, much more that she insists on being with a guy who has treated her unfairly, and has disrespected her more than her cheating on me. It bothers me and it ‘eats’ at me. I am not sure what to even say to her. At this point I feel I am going to lose my mind if I continue with this. I do not understand why she doesn’t realize what she’s doing may be a mistake. She is interested in being with a guy whom has disrespected her in more ways than one, and will probably do the same thing again if they’re back together. Something is not right here. I need some options, because for this matter, I may be running out of ‘em. And my last resort is confronting her and telling her she has to forget about me, and leave me because this situation is ridiculous. I know I do not want to hurt her like this, considering we still care for each other, we had plans of continuing this relationship for years to come, but at this point, I don’t think that will be happening. If she wants to be with him, as much as I don’t want to see her hurt again, I’m ready to tell her to go ahead and engage in a relationship with the guy and not to look back at me, or for me, because I want her to move on from me.
Any ideas?

I gladly appreciate you guys and gals for taking the time out of your day to read this long thread and responding. I thank you, have a great rest of your day.

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11 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

You express what you need to do, and what you know you need to do. Break it off with her completely.

It isn’t a matter of her choosing your or him, it is more that she is not ready to be in a single relationship with just you. She needs to be beyond any relationship with him, completely past him, and disconnected for some time.

And don’t set a time for her to be done with him, with a belief that you can accept her then. If you do, you won’t be fully committed to anything new in your own life, and she might be dallying with him until the deadline arrives, and re-complicates things.

Rethroz's avatar


I definitely will keep that in mind when concocting a plan of approach to my next move in this relationship. I appreciate it. I’ll await on a few more responses before putting together what I want to say and do. Then if it’s okay with you, and future members whom may reply to this thread, I would like for you (and them) to review it and give me your thoughts on it.

janbb's avatar

This doesn’t sound healthy for anyone but she is an adult and making the choices she is making. You can’t protect her from the consequences. I feel like you need to make a complete break with her since she is not committing to you and being her friend is hurting you too much. I would stay far away from their toxic relationship. Easier said than done, I know.

Rethroz's avatar


You do have a valid point. I need to also maintain aware of the simple idea that when you love someone, or you’re in love with someone, you may not see that person how others see them.
So, I think it’s better if I do listen to what others tell me about her, because this love I have may also be diverting me from the truth and how she really is acting or how she really feels about me.

janbb's avatar

Aside from anything else, she slept with three men before you broke up with her. This does not sound like a reliable person.

AdventureElephants's avatar

Do you believe in manogomous relationships?

In order to give you feedback it’s important to understand what your opinion on relationships is and what your ideal outcome with any woman would be. You state you’re “fine with it (her situation),” and it sounds like she’s been honest with you about her other relationships…

Either way, why are you wanting to be with her? Are you seeing anyone else?

si3tech's avatar

I would distance myself from this drama. Without burning bridges. She “doesn’t want to hurt anyone or lose anyone” BUT she has the control of this when she has you as the “listening post”. And she must know this hurts/bothers/saddens/upsets you. Don’t suit up and show up for more for your own well being.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Get out now. You probably already have enough problems without taking on more.

Rethroz's avatar

I would like to thank the members who have answered thus far, and I am very appreciative of your responses.
I’m unsure if I am ready with this plan, but heck, in accordance to what the contributors of this thread have suggested and my own plan, this is what I have come up with :

I plan on giving this about two-three more weeks, because I like to be observant. I don’t think we’re getting back together because I do not want to, I love her, but I do not want to be in a relationship with her. So, at this point, if this continues, then it’s done for me, I am going to see if I get an opportunity to confront her, and when I do, that’s where I’ll tell her what really is on my mind and how I feel about this situation.
I am not looking to emotionally hurt this woman, I have never liked to since our first encounter, and I still do not like to, but sometimes it has to be done in order to move forward. I may need to start seeing this situation for what it is and stop making excuses as to what it is not. I’m diverting myself from what’s going on in front of me by creating these false ideas or a false perception of the situation and I think in the end, to her at least, it won’t matter how I am feeling or what I want. As long as she gets the better end. I appear to only be the “listening post“as si3tech expressed it. I appear to be an option or alternative she can run to when things with the other guy don’t work out.

Any more ideas? Agrees, disagrees, concerns, complaints, questions?

Inspired_2write's avatar

Since SHE does not want to HURT ANYONE’?
Meanwhile she IS hurting YOU.
I would suggest a temporary break if not a permanent break as she seems like a person whom likes to be needed and fought over.
Have some self respect and release her and you to discover a more respectful loving relationship with someone who VALUES both you and is Committted to that relationship HONESTLY.
Let her go in order to find true LOVE elsewhere.
You cannot do that while embroiled in this mess.

trailsillustrated's avatar

Just be true to yourself and wish her the best. You don’t need these games and the people that play them.

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