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LeavesNoTrace's avatar

Why do other women give me dirty looks and treat me with disdain?

Asked by LeavesNoTrace (5677points) February 6th, 2016

I’m a woman in my late twenties who lives in image-conscious New York. I’m very tall, like to wear modest yet stylish dresses, and I am fairly attractive but wouldn’t call myself a knockout. In fact, my hips and butt are a little too thick by typical eurocentric beauty standards.

In some places, I’d venture to say that I’m considered “beautiful” but in NYC, where gorgeous people are a dime a dozen and you can’t throw a rock without hitting a catwalk model or some 1%-er’s willowy trophy wife, I’d say I’m more on the cute or pretty side but not really gorgeous.

Anyway, ever since I was about 10–12, it’s really bummed me out that other girls and women often seem to treat me with some type of malice. Whether is giving me dirty looks, excluding me from things, or even spreading rumors, I’ve often found myself being a victim of “mean girls”. It’s really tough because I’m a sensitive person with some social anxiety issues so it can be hard for me to absorb things like that without taking it personally.

It has gotten better since I’ve gotten older, but I still notice it more often that I’d like to admit. Just last night, my boyfriend took me to some schmoozy wine-tasting in TriBeCa. I wanted to look nice so I slipped into a black blazer, a nice pair of jeans and some understated Jimmy Choo heels I rarely get the chance to wear. I felt confident and was appropriately dressed for the venue and event.

Within an hour of getting there, I remembered why I often opt-out of going to things like this, even though they can be great networking opportunities. I was getting dirty looks from women the entire time which of course, made me extremely self-conscious and kind of put a damper on my fun.

Now, I’m not one of those girls who suffers from “resting bitch face” and even though I’m shy, I am friendly and will talk to people. I try to be aware of my body language because I know that tall women are intimidating and I don’t want to be offputting when I’m 6’4 in my heels!

This one woman, in particular, was hanging out near us the entire night. She was probably about ten years older and wore one of those faces that just screams “I’m an unhappy person with severe issues.” Anyway, as the night went on, and the wine continued to flow, she became increasingly huffy and the hostile looks increased.

This continued until the end of the night, when as her date was escorting her out, she turned herself around, pointed right at me and mouthed the words “fucking bitch”. I hadn’t spoken a word to her the entire night. My boyfriend noticed what she did too and was even more disgusted and offended than I was.

This isn’t the first time stuff like this has happened to me and frankly, it’s making me weary. I wonder sometimes if there’s something wrong with me that makes me unlikeable to other women. I try to rise above the urge to be a mean girl myself and consider myself to be usually “team woman” on most issues.

It also really sucks because as a feminist, I try to bring awareness to and defend the rights of all women (even the ones who hate me). I believe that women should support each other in a society that too often denigrates and tears us down.

Why do women act like this to me? Am I doing something wrong?

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13 Answers

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

Ugh just realised I misspelled “disdain” in my question title and it’s too late to fix it. Could one of the moderators help me out? :)

Coloma's avatar

It’s the company you’re keeping, not “women” in general.
Living in any wealthy metropolis L.A. NYC, etc. lends itself to snobbish people, behaviors and more than plenty of highly neurotic and dysfunctional beautiful people. You must just be unlucky if this is something you have felt your entire life as I have only encountered it on a few occasions. Maybe time to find a new crowd and seek out more down to earth and genuine types that aren’t all about looks and status and ego. Ugh.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@Coloma What you mentioned above is part of the reason I don’t have a lot of friends in NYC. While I do love many things about living here, I must admit it does attract its fair share of insecure, social-climbing, shallow people. I actually do my best to limit my exposure to them but sadly, I can’t avoid them 100% or else I’d never leave my apartment.

I’m not from the city, though. I grew up in a small town in Upstate NY and that’s where most of my closest friends are from. However, small town life wasn’t always as quaint as one would believe and some people could be quite nasty and judge-y there too.

Trust me though, this is not a crowd I like to mingle with, I merely tolerate them so I can continue to exist here.

jca's avatar

Is it possible that you are mistaken about the looks and judgement?

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@jca In this instance, it’s hard to mistake a drunk person looking right at you, pointing, and mouthing an obscenity. Perhaps she confused me for someone else? An old rival perhaps? Sometimes people say that I remind them of other people! ;)

I’m sure sometimes dirty looks are just someone having unintentional “resting bitch face” or just a bad day, or maybe I remind them of someone they don’t like, etc.

However it happens enough that I’m sure that at least sometimes, it’s intentional and directed at me. Like @Coloma said, it could be because people in NYC can sometimes be a little snooty but sometimes I wonder why I get so much of it.

jca's avatar

@LeavesNoTrace: I understand when the woman made the comment, there’s no misunderstanding it. However, I’m wondering if, when you say the dirty looks happen on so many occasions, you’re misunderstanding something or have a misperception.

LeavesNoTrace's avatar

@jca I hope you’re right! I don’t want to play the “victim” card. And even if I am getting dirty looks, maybe a better question would be “how can I be less bothered by it”?

Zaku's avatar

The subconscious shapes our experiences in many subtle ways. Sometimes maybe you are apprehending because of your experiences. Other times, maybe you’re more or less correct, but if you hadn’t been tuned into this idea, you might have missed most of them and not realized them, but since you are sensitive, you notice them all, and maybe don’t notice or don’t trust the nice looks you also get nearly as often. Also, when we have recurring issues, our subconscious sometimes sets us up to create them in subtle ways. Maybe worry about dirty looks has you giving off vibes you don’t realize you’re giving off, which tend to attract such reactions from others.

As for how to be less bothered by it, I’d say the general solution is to develop your self-awareness, particularly of the thoughts and feelings behind the ones you’re aware of. Meditation, holistic peer counseling, energy / “vibe” work, self-sourcing how you are – all that good stuff, in whatever flavors are most available to you. When you know your triggers and develop your awareness and habits of how you are being, you can get better at generating how you are yourself, and allow others less impact on you.

SecondHandStoke's avatar

The length of your OP makes it clear that you are to fixated on your appearance.

Whether others detect this consciously or otherwise it is influencing their impression of you.

You might actually be comfortable in your own skin but you are not coming off this way.

How others take it has much to do with how they feel about themselves.

It’s easier said than done when suggested by another but you need to relax, be unafraid to laugh at yourself with at least the appearance of sincerity.

You call yourself a feminist. All isms do nothing but complicate human interaction. Let that mindset go.

I wish you luck.

skfinkel's avatar

It’s them, not you. Hope you can go where you want, dressed as you like, and ignore anyone who is having a problem with you. Enjoy your lovely life!!

tinyfaery's avatar

Girls have never liked me and I doubt it is/was my looks. I’ve just never been into girly stuff and have always had a lot of male friends. As a teen I was harassed by girls, but a few minutes of interaction with me and they pretty much stepped off. Why? Because I truly couldn’t care less. Why do you care so much?

Abusers of any kind tend to target the weak. Ask yourself what type of image you might be putting out there. Honestly, you seem a bit preoccupied with your clothes and looks. That is the impression you gave me in your details. Why describe your clothes in such detail? Name drop your shoes? I guess I name drop my Converse, but that’s hardly the same. Maybe you are not being as honest with yourself as you think.

longgone's avatar

“I’m a sensitive person with some social anxiety issues.”

^ And there’s your answer. You can’t trust yourself to reliably evaluate other people’s actions.

Try to see it like a physical issue. If you were near-sighted, you’d wear glasses. To evaluate dirty looks, use people you can trust – stable, honest, and attentive people.

I’m insecure about relationships. A long time ago, I decided not to trust myself anymore when evaluating friendships. My mind won’t paint a clear picture, so its view is meaningless. Instead of trusting its impaired judgement, I either ask someone else – or, if no-one is available, I at least make sure to consciously add a healthy dose of, “Yeah, they like me”.

Try it. If it works for you, it will make your life so much easier!

Haleth's avatar

I mean this with kindness, but it sounds like you have some social awkwardness and insecurity. Social awkwardness happens to the best of us! I flub interactions all the time and then kick myself over it (long past when the other person has forgotten about it.) The other day I was talking to a new friend and religion came up and I somehow told her that I didn’t know what Quakers are. (I have NO idea what was going through my head at that moment.) She gave me a funny look but the moment passed, and it wasn’t a big deal.

A lot of dear, wonderful people are a bit socially awkward. When you’re surrounded by caring, forgiving friends, it’s a lot easier not to worry about it. But if you’re at a fancy event full of well-dressed strangers in New York City, making the tiniest error feels like a disaster. Add insecurity to the mix, because they so often go hand-in-hand, and it’s no wonder you feel like the world is giving you the stink eye.

I have to consciously remind myself of this all the time. It helps to give people the benefit of the doubt, and go into the interaction assuming their intentions are neutral or good. And also to hang out around people and places that are more laid back. If you’re shy, people may also mistake that for snobbiness, especially if you’re attractive and well put together.

You may want to consciously work on your social skills and small talk skills. Any activity that gets you regularly making small talk with lots of strangers will help

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