Do you agree that we shouldn't be judged by our sense of humour?

If you were my friend and you laughed at me in such a way, I sure as hell would judge you. I’d judge you not the right person to be my friend. Those people were attacking your friend.

On the flipside, I don’t think because a topic is sensitive it should be off-the-table comedically. Whether a joke is appropriate depends on how it’s done and whether it’s demeaning individuals or groups of people. Comedy can make us look at an issue from different perspectives. Calling your friend names is not funny. All it does is hurt your friend.

@Earthbound_Misfit But what if you’re not the one who did the name calling, you just laughed at it. Does it mean that you will be as wet as the name caller? Will the victim ever consider that her friend has different perspective of humour, and that it’s natural, not deliberately done?

In my opinion yes. If I was your friend, and you thought it was funny to join in with someone mocking me by laughing along, I would not see that as ‘just your sense of humour’. I’d see that as just as cruel, if not crueler, as the people who were calling me names. It’s just not how I would expect a caring, decent person to behave. Calling someone names because they’re fat, ugly, disabled, a different race or whatever is just not funny to me. It’s a cheap and cruel shot.

Did you really do this or are we talking a hypothetical situation?

Are the group of people someone you and your friend are familiar with? If they are your friends, or at least know you two for a considerable amount of time, then maybe they are actually joking and you may laugh at it. Otherwise I agree with @Earthbound_Misfit, that’s not a sense if humor, that’s demeaning a person. You are not the one who say that, but you find the joke funny, that means you support the people who make fun of her. No sense of humor involves here.

Of course it also depends on your friend’s annoyed switch. Maybe she cares about her look, maybe not, we can’t know since we haven’t met her yet. But the general rule is that you don’t demean your friend or support people who do.

@Earthbound_Misfit You don’t necessarily join them, you just laugh on your own. You do, however, show your side by defending your friend, but what ticklish, is ticklish, you can’t change that. Would it make any difference if you laugh inside your mind vs physically? Can’t someone be honest with his/her own sense of humour?

This is merely a hypothetical question. I must confess that sometimes me and my friends make what-seem-to-be-cruel jokes to each others, we simply laugh on it, but they look upset/angry before retaliating with another ‘spicy’ jokes but we never hold any grudge.

@Mimishu1995 Are you saying that you could define someone else’s sense of humour? Can we be blamed for what we can’t control despite our intention? We can also say that the victim is a bit selfish for discrediting her friend’s perspective of humour, even after she has been defended by her friend and know which side her friend really lean toward.

Shouldn’t we agree that different people have different sense of humour?

To me, making fun of anybody for any reason is not funny. I wouldn’t laugh, even privately, if someone were made fun of for their weight, height, race, disability or anything like that. It’s just not funny to me. It’s also childish. I don’t even expect it from children because they’re taught not to behave that way. I definitely wouldn’t expect it from my friends and I wouldn’t do it to my friends. It’s not a friendly way to act.

@Unofficial_Member you can’t control the fact that you hear the joke, but you can control your reaction. You can choose to laugh, and you can also choose to keep silent and ignore the joke altogether. You can even choose to laugh in your mind and not out loud so that she can hear.

She is already pissed off with that group of people, but she may just rub it off because they are just strangers she passes by. But how can she ignore someone who is close to her? She may be turning to you at that moment for a defense, because as you said before, she has been defended by her friend and know which side her friend really lean toward. yeah, your words. But instead of being defended, she is shocked that you are on the strangers’ side. How do you think she will feel, after all of the trust she put on you?

Wait, you said that different people have different sense of humor? So why can’t you tolerate that she has a different sense of humor from you? Are you asking that she should try to be like you, to have the same sense of humor like you? Now can you see the contradiction of your statement?

You are devoid of empathy towards your ‘friend’.

@Mimishu1995 Is that mean we can’t be honest with our personal sense of humour? There’s a limit to how much we can control our response to something we deem funny. If the more funny something is, the harder it is to control it. And where’s our freedom to express laughter in public?

How can she ignore someone close to her? I believe a good friend will understand, or at least, try to understand how each others’ mind work.

I don’t think she’ll be shocked for long, at first yes, but after she has really been defended she’ll most likely change her prejudice. A good friend, regardless of his/her sense of humour and how it’s applied, will defend, or at least calm down their friend after such friend has been bullied. Is that not good enough of a proof for the victim that the friend who laughed actually care about her?

What to tolerate about that? There’s nothing provoke her sense of humour, but there’s something that provoke mine. An understanding that I find something funny at this time and she finds other thing funny at other time should be OK. I won’t be angry if I were in her position because I possess the capability to understand different sense of humour, and how selfish could I get if I get mad at others because they have different idea than mine.

Understanding is the key. I will apologize if it really upset her but here is the problem, I want to be honest with my laughter, it is, after all, a natural response to jokes.

@Seek and @octopussy My goodness! I hope you know that this is only a hypothetical question to help me dwell in to the perspective of different people in a given situation. I need to represent different plausible perspective pertaining to the issue and sometimes it may put me in what seem to be antagonistic position.
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The factors that I consider here are: understanding, sense of humour, perspective, freedom, fairness, and yes, empathy too. All these factors if merged together will not always produce the same result. One different factor may produce different result.

Don’t tell me you’re offended by a harmless joke!

Personally, I think calling people who fat-shame “cunts” is hilarious.

I wonder if this was a bad example? I agree with the others that it is nasty to laugh at other people’s personal appearance, especially if they clearly don’t find it funny. Could you explain again with a different example?

You know, there is a law in comedy, which states that only if you are affected by something, you are allowed to make fun of it. For example, gays can make jokes about homosexuality, fat people can make fat jokes, black people can make race jokes, etc.

So, a necrophiliac and a paedophile walk into a bar….

I think you need to learn to discern when something is a joke, and when something is a direct attack.

@Seek Nope, not at all. I just don’t want you to feel upset and promulgate false judgement in this matter.

@Stinley Ah yes, I don’t agree with bullying but I think it’s not fair to judge others if they freely express their natural response toward jokes.

Here’s another example:
A wind blew so hard that my friend who was wearing a flowwy (for lack of better term) skirt had her skirt blown so hard that all people could see that, not only that, she also fell in to the mud and splattered her entire body with mud. Naturally, everyone laugh at her predicament, I as her friend too, can’t resist the urge to laugh after helping her up, clearly, I shouldn’t be blamed for that. It’s funny. Period. I think she should possess the capability to understand that. A good friend will at least try to understand each others.

@ragingloli A very nice statement. I’m sure it mainly serves to prevent discrimination. Now, I wonder how will this comedy law survive when it’s matched with freedom of speech, another law, but a legal one.

Even if you say it’s a law in comedy, I’ve seen some famous comedian making jokes outside of their own demographic status, yet people laugh at the jokes, were they lacking empathy or it’s simply because mutual understanding of different perspective of jokes is the norm? It’s hard to say for sure.

I was making a joke

@ragingloli Then I probably have different sense of joke… Or perhaps just unusual perception.

I’m starting to think the main problem is that you think you have a sense of humour, and are mistaken.

You will be judged on everything you say and do including your sense of humour. Humour has to be funny and it shouldn’t be cruel. What you find funny says something about you whether you like it or not.

You should have told them to stop. That was your job as a friend. Joining in on the laugh is not funny.

Sense of humor had nothing to do with it. This is a case of doing the wrong thing just to be part of a group.

Look at it this way. What if you chose NOT to laugh? What if you were the only one strong enough to stand up and say, “That’s not funny, guys. Making fun of other people isn’t funny no matter how much you think it is. It’s just flat unkind and not right and I will not go along with it.” Or words to that effect.

Don’t you think she would judge you positively on a component of your personality far more important than your sense of humor: your sense of kindness and decency!!

Alright, the thing here is that you have already laughed about it. Nothing can be done about it now as you’re not the one who decide your sense of humour. The victim is protected and defended by said friend.

The problem here is that, is the true intention of a friend worth nothing because he/she has naturally laughed on a friend? I think I’ve come up with a borderline point here; it’s mutual understanding of different sense of humour vs empathy. A fair finding, indeed.

I thought about this more. It’s not about humor it’s about empathy. The moment you realize it’s hurtful to your friend it should lose it’s funny no matter what it is. Everyone will say fat shaming is wrong, but even when it’s something less obvious, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that hurting someone isn’t funny, and that person decides what’s hurtful to them.

My husband was being sarcastic to me and for whatever reason what he said really got to me and I began to tear up. In a moment he completely changed. I’m still not happy he has been especially harsh lately with his sarcasm that I guess he thinks is funny (we have been having a tremendous amount of stress and disagreements) but when he saw me visibly upset he did not want me to hurt. He didn’t defend what he had done. Maybe one of his guy friends wouldn’t get bothered by the same thing, but I did.

When someone tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.

I hope I made it clear here. The one who laughed did help, apologize and such, etc, etc. But just because he/she has laughed, not that it’s intentional, will it be unfair to group this person along with people who did the ‘attacking’?

@Seek So if I tell you that you’ll hurt me if you drink coffee will you still think of it as offense since I can decide whatever you do as offense without considering your perspective?
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Sigh. It appears that different people have different perception and acceptance toward humour. Empathy is important so is mutual understanding of each others (and I believe the majority, if not all people in this thread believe that empathy prevails over understanding. I personally think it’s a draw). I have seen many people laughing while watching comedy shows on TV where even the fat-shaming situation has been done, people just laugh about it without considering the moral issue. Is it because it’s not real? But to laugh at TV show and not in real situation for the same issue, isn’t it hypocrisy? Yet if they also laugh in reality why should they be blamed for honesty? Perhaps this is mainly an upbringing issue.

Well, enough information has been gathered here. I, however, prefer if we have variance in perspective but… Anyway, the answer has been given by consensus. I rest my case here.

I’ve said before many times that with satire/humour nothing should be off limits & the offended brigade should carry on sniffing the contents of their bowels.
However, in the circumstance you provide, albeit a hypothetical one, you move the goalposts because it deals with a personal friend being ridiculed. Your first emotion & probably only one would be anger/outrage & your instinctive reaction should be to defend them, deciding if the words they use are actually funny or not just wouldn’t occur to anyone in that situation.
If it did, then you’re no friend at all.

@Unofficial_Member: You say farther up that you don’t agree with bullying. Jokes about weight, height, disability, etc. are bullying and joining in on the laughs is bullying too. Think about something you don’t like about yourself (possibilities are teeth, weight, hair, height, how your parents look, your economic status, etc.). Your friends make fun of it and they’re all laughing. How would you feel?

Sigh Now I know why she is so upset. You only want her to think your way.

@jca If they really find it funny then what can I say? Can I force them to not find it funny? Can I influence their sense of humour? I have no right to blame them for what they naturally feel, unless I know that they’re being forced to do that in order to upset me.

I don’t think everyone is perfect and I certainly never think my friends are angels that free from all impurity. So what if they laugh? The point is, it’s natural, they help me in the end, and I accept them the way they are, regardless of their sense of humour. There is much more in a friend than just his/her peculiar sense of humour.

@Mimishu1995 It can also be said for the reverse. That she insist I, despite, being dictated by my sense of humour, to be blamed for laughing.

I see the most effective solution is mutual understanding. I understand that she’s hurt by the jokes and help her, and she must also understand that I can’t control my laugh due to my peculair sense of humour, and that it wasn’t intentionally to hurt her. And since we have that, we won’t blame each others anymore. Understanding is the key.

I judge everyone by their sense of humour. It tells me more about a person than things they want me to know like their job or what they drive. Jokes you make and things you laugh at are a better indicater of how we will get along than how much education you’ve had or what books you read or where you grew up.

No one “naturally” finds someone insulting their friends to be funny.

That is brought on by conditioning, and can probably be modified with therapy.

No.

One’s sense of humor is a major component in evaluating one’s personality. Why do you suppose “a sense of humor” is found in so many dating service profiles?

A sense of humor or the ability to be funny (not exatly the the thing) or most importantly the ability to laugh at one’s self suggests possible greater intelligence, or at least a more flexible and open mind.

For example, if a person seems devoid of a sense of humor I might suspect he or she is a vegan, or worse, thinks they are above the intellectual absurdist Family Guy.

The fat joke could have been delivered with greater impact. An ethnically flavored “Dayum, she so fat!” could have been juxtaposed with a brief pause and then a quiet, deadpanned “I’m gravely concerned for her health.”

What strikes us as funny simply isn’t within our control. I think you are reading too much into this. A shocked gasp or snort response is a decent compromise. It’s possible to wordlessly say you were struck by a comment but at the same time surprised that another would have made said comment.

That said, when it comes to jokes about non public figures in real life situations it’s generally best to avoid joking about things a person cannot help.

Whether her weight can or cannot be helped is subject for a different discussion.

@Seek And now you’re claiming that you know everyone’s sense of humour? What makes you think you dictate what’s funny or not for each individual? You also suggest that people who have different perspective of humour must get a therapy? Haha. Now that I find that’s funny. I’ve never seen someone who can’t tolerate differences as much as you.

@SecondHandStoke A very exemplary, almost-scientific answer, indeed. I must say that I like that you’re fair and not being judgemental in your reply.

@Unofficial_Member

Thank you.

Once again, logic and dispassionate analysis saves the day.

I read the judgemental comments above you’ve been referring to.

I can offer an possible explanation:

People naturally are very concerned with how they are perceived by others. Even to the point of denying their true nature. Even to the point of denying themselves pleasure, or in this case comedic relief.

Humans also tend to gravitate to groups. Even to the point of denying their own individuality. I posit that finding a balance between group identity and individuality is difficult to achieve. Some don’t bother, others might not even consider that such social equilibrium is possible, much less desirable.

Everyone wants to be thought of as good, better, sometimes superior. As a result they cower (or lash out) at the first hint of controversy. Your OP was about a controversial subject. It’s very easy to reply with a “shame on you” then go on feeling better about one’s self.

Some want, consciously or otherwise, to be easily defined. People who embody seemingly conflicting mentalities take more time to appreciate. Who naturally wants to be slow to be understood? But it’s worth it. Complexity simplifies the process of weeding out between candidates for friendship.

Just, be true to yourself.

You can’t control what others may find funny but you can control who you are friends with. People who make fun of others are not people I am friends with.

Your example has nothing to do with “humor” and everything to do with cruelty, bullying and put downs, none of which are acceptable, even if veiled under the “humor” umbrella.
I have a very good sense of humor, offbeat, at times sardonic, but I would never consider cruel remarks to be humorous. If you really expect someone that is the butt of your nasty remarks to find your offensive comments funny, well, clearly, you have a lot of growing up to do.

It’s a lot easier to lose weight than it is to change a shitty personality and if I were around some one when they started up with their nasty, degrading “humor” they wouldn’t be laughing for long because they’d be going in for emergency dental treatment after I knocked most of their teeth out. haha…Now THAT’s humor!

Real world violence might solicit a laugh from some.

But it is not comedy.

Now might be a good time to say that fat jokes are amateur night shit. It’s too easy. I’d rather be seen as more clever.

If a large person has made my trip to the theater or my cross country flight less than bearable in real life I might, and have, express my frustration using humor after the fact.

Look, let’s put it this way:

I enjoy a lot of dark comedy. Dead baby jokes can be hilarious.

If someone told a dead baby joke around my friends who have suffered miscarriages, at no point would the thought of laughing cross my brain. My thought would be, immediately, with my friend, whether they heard it, and how it made them feel.

If you enjoy controversial humor, you have to at least have the common decency to be aware that it is controversial and that there is a time and a place for it.

@Seek Exactly. I like serial killer jokes, but if I knew someone whose kid was a victim of Jeffery Dahmers cannibalistic spree I wouldn’t tell my favorite serial killer joke in front of them.

” What did Jeffrey Dahmer sing on the way to his refrigerator?”

” My baloney has a first name!” :-p

*bologna

@ragingloli Oh wow, I know that! Blame it on the lack of coffee yet. haha

I get what you’re saying; I really do. I have a broad sense of humor, too, and I can find humor – even very dark humor – in the bleakest of situations.

But context is all.

“Slip and fall on a banana peel” is a laugh riot, when it’s done on a sound stage by experienced actors in “physical comedy” who know what they’re doing and how to take that fall so that it doesn’t hurt them. When my kid slips and falls on a banana peel it is not at all funny … until I know that he’s not hurt, and until he can laugh at it himself. (If he needs encouragement to decide whether to laugh at himself or die of embarrassment – say, if it happens on his way to accept a diploma at his graduation, and thousands of people witness it – then I might snicker a bit to encourage him to see the humor in it.)

Context.

When I slip and fall on a banana peel, which I have done (on snow, but with the same effect), then I can laugh at myself as loudly as anyone, and sooner than they do, too. I encourage people to enjoy the fact that I landed flat on my ass – and that I did not break a leg, my back or an arm – and that I could rise and continue on my way after brushing myself off. In that case the laugh is a celebration of the fact that I’m okay, and I appreciate others feeling the same way.

When you laugh at your girlfriend as she’s mocked and publicly humiliated then you demonstrate to her and to others (but apparently, not to yourself, curiously) that you care only about the sophomoric insults for their negligible comedy value than you do for her feelings. If I were with anyone I cared about in a “girlfriend” way and someone teased her – in whatever way they did that – to make her feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, ashamed, unsafe in any way – then I would feel a murderous rage to whoever did it to her. I may not act on that feeling. I haven’t, in fact, ever murdered anyone. But I would feel it and display at least a shade of that feeling. We might laugh about any comedy value that it held later on, privately. If I were your girlfriend I would figuratively kill you.

Nemo me impune lacessit. And that goes double for girlfriends.

The problem with the example given is that it is not funny. I would not laugh at those remarks regardless of who the target was. The only way it could be considered funny would be as an unintended self-satirization of the speakers’ stupidity, but that is a whole different matter.

If someone said something cruel but wickedly clever about a friend of mine, I might laugh in spite of myself. If that happened, the first thing I would do would be to apologize to my friend. I might say something like, you have to admit that was pretty funny, given their attitude toward you.

“unring” the bell. My autocorrect is annoying.

Alright, I guess more information to gather.

Hmm… do I need to say again that this is only a hypothetical question? There’s no need to get personal and emotional about it. Personally, I prefer scientific view point but what’s offered is offered.

@Seek Now that is a very good example you have there. So it shows that every person has the possibility to possess unique sense of humour, however, the justification of such humour may vary in accordance to different place and situation.

Too bad the mods can’t be there to mod you in real life to save someone who’s feelings are worth saving. But then maybe your friend needs to see how you treat people so she can move on to people who care more about her feelings than you do.

@Unofficial_Member You are a horrible friend. If you are ugly and there are ugly jokes would you be hurt? Don’t even answer that. You don’t get it. I hope your “friend” that you laughed at dumps your ass and finds better friends.

@chyna Unless you’re deaf you should understand that this is only a hypothetical question. I’m not here to gather moral judgement (I have no interest at all). I am making this question for the very purpose of understanding differences of perception of sense of humour and how fair they should be applied by related party.

Really? Why would you ask such a question if this didn’t really happen? I am not deaf. I hear and see perfectly.

I just looked up the word jerk in the Merriam Webster dictionary. Here is one of the definitions: a stupid person or a person who is not well-liked or who treats other people badly.

@Unofficial_Member No one believes that your story is hypothetical. You slipped up when you wrote the second paragraph. This is what you said,“Now here’s the problem, she thinks that I’m with this group of people, that I enjoy making fun of people like her. I tried to rationalize with her that when something is funny, it’s funny. She just won’t tolerate or understand different sense of humour that different people have and that it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re evil. I will laugh on her when she slips on banana peels but I’ll also help her to get up, but that doesn’t change the fact that her fall has tickled my sense of humour.” That is you relaying the story how it actually played out.

Also, no one believes that you were doing a scientific piece of research on humor. What you really wanted to know was why your overweight friend didn’t find it funny when you laughed at the fat jokes made at her expense.

What your poor friend should have asked you is, “Why would you laugh at me when you know that my weight is something that I struggle with every single day of my life, as if I don’t already know that I’m overweight, and why do you pile on when other people laugh at me? What kind of friend would do something like that?” I’d like to hear your answer to that.

I’m going to try to word this better this time. You ACTED like a jerk!

@Kardamom I designed the question in the form of first-person perspective. Just because I put “I” doesn’t mean I am the character in the question. It’s up to you whether or not you believe it. Accusing other people won’t make you a better person.

FYI, I am a problem solver for myself. I have no need to discuss with others how I operate in my life as a human, let alone asking a question about it, affirmation also means nothing to me.

Last but not least, I won’t be silly enough to ask a simple question that I already know the answer from emotional perspective (that of course it’s inappropriate to laugh at a friend for his/her misfortune). I am more interesting in debating how others won’t accept/comprehend that other people could possess different perspective of humour, and that it isn’t fair if we merely look at the victim’s point of view (why understanding seems farfetch to work out in this particular situation?).

It seems like you have nothing to offer in term of knowledge, other than venting your personal emotion.

@chyna Because I have seen similar situation in my life. I agree that it’s hurtful to laugh at friend. But! (And this is the big but!) There won’t be fairness if we analyze only from the victim’s perspective (it’s only 50%). To get 50/50 result we must also consider the perspective from the perpetrator of laughters as well.

@Unofficial_Member Yes, there are many types of humor and I think most people do accept others differing ideas of true humor. Your example has nothing to do with differing senses of humor, your example is just plain mean spirited and bullying, period. Nothing to debate about that. There is slapstick humor and sardonic humor and ironic humor and offbeat humor and toilet humor but making fun of another persons flaws and weaknesses and physical attributes is not humor at all.

I think @Kardamom called you out quite splendidly. Busted!

@Coloma Are you sure that you can define what sense of humour is for each individual? And blaming them if they possess different sense of humour than yours? Each individual interprets certain thing differently, that’s what make him/her unique, rejecting differences would be quite intolerant of you.

Different background will affect how one’s sense of humour develop, that’s worth a debate/discussion. It seems like you only look from one perspective (where is your open-mindedness?).

@Unofficial_Member: Many people who posted on this thread posted similar opinions to @Coloma and @Kardamom. It was pretty much universal here, so you can’t say @Coloma and @Kardamom were looking at it from one perspective. You’d have to name pretty much everyone who answered on here (including myself).

@jca There’s a possibility that the majority look only from one perspective. Certain population provides certain result.

Maybe I think too high that people in this thread possess diversity in perspectives.

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Perhaps I should just give up on this thread? Seeing that not many people offering food for thought, but rather personal protest on things they disagree with (and a chance to attack others who offer different perspective). I’m not sure if there’s any merit in continuing this discussion if most people worship their perspective too high, too high to even considering alternative perspective to discuss it.

I remember that back in my college, in my financial management planning class we had a group discussion on the topic of how to implement business infrastructures on a land filled with homeless people not having legal right to the lot. People in the group look at this situation from different aspects and perspectives, like from one point how it will benefit the company and how to get rid of the homeless people in the most efficient way, while from other perspective, some member also consider the fate and responsibility to the victims of this action, a lot of brainstorming. In the end, we, of course, lean toward the profitability of the company. Us, at least, consider to put a weigh in different option and perception in the matter.

Even in a court we must also consider the perspective of a defendant, not just a litigant/petitioner, in order for the judges deliberate for the issue.

It seems like I expect too much open-mindedness or fairness in exploring this particular issue. So be it, I have come to a conclusion (despite after many days) that my efforts and willingness to discuss here are not equivalent to the result of the discussion.

I am tired to say that this is a hypothetical question (this is going to be last one!), and if any of you feel like to overload this thread with personal hate comments then, by all means, do it. I’m an adult. I don’t deal with meaningless conversation.

What you described in your “hypothetical” scenario is a person finding something funny that I, personally, don’t find funny. Humor is shaped by personality, upbringing, intelligence and other factors. I judge people by their humor as I do not believe it to be entirely involuntary. Even if it is (which I don’t believe) I will think badly of people who find mean things to be funny. It is a sign of a lack of empathy. It is a sign of a lack of compassion.
I am not closed-minded because I don’t agree with you on this issue.

@Unofficial_Member: Everyone on here pretty much is united with their opinion, I think, because what you are suggesting is what we think of today as bullying, and we consider it wrong.

If everyone agreed with you, would you still consider us close minded?