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trumi's avatar

What can I do about my best friend?

Asked by trumi (6486points) July 28th, 2008

We’ve been close friends for what seems like forever, and he is the one person that I have to call when I need someone to talk to. I have lots of friends, many that would listen and help me if I need it, but for some reason its different with him. I’m one of those guys you go to when you need advice, and he just has this way of making people love him. Somehow, that means we both just get each other.

But his life agenda is getting f***ed up, and mine… Isn’t. I try to see him as much as I can, but we’ll go through spells where he won’t call me back for a few weeks. I don’t know how it affects him, but it makes me bottle everything up until I just go numb.

His last two girlfriends tell me that the problem is that he is ashamed of himself. They say he feels guilty for being a bad friend, and that he feels he doesn’t deserve my friendship. No matter how many times I tell him that all I want is to talk to him, he doesn’t call back.

Is that really the problem, that he feels bad? Is it something else? I can live without him, but I just love him too much. I have friends that have given up on him, that say he is in too deep and that, while they still love him, they can’t deal with worrying about him. Should I give up?

I know this is too personal to get a real answer, but I want to know what Fluther thinks. He hasn’t called me back since he broke up with his girlfriend two weeks ago.

And please, no gay jokes. That is not what I need.

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14 Answers

mcbealer's avatar

Some of my longest standing friendships are those that ebb and flow, like life. What makes them special is that no matter how much time elapsed between contact, I know I can reconnect with those people and it’ll seem like no time passed at all.

It sucks that your calls don’t get returned, etc. and I can see how that might come across as indifference and/or being taken for granted.

That said, keep plugging away and stay true. You just might be what saves your friend when his wall starts to crumble, and he sees that true friends never part.

ebenezer's avatar

sounds like everyone is confused about the relationship structure in your group of friends. Hard to tell what is going on.

Also, I have a tendency to disappear myself. But there are certain people that I know are there for me as I am for them no matter how much time has passed or how far apart we are. As you said there are people who simply understand each other.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

When he’s ready, you’ll be there for him. Until then give him space and have him learn from his own life experiences.

jlm11f's avatar

I am sort of confused. In other words, your good friend recently broke up with his girlfriend and is avoiding you and you miss him/want to talk to him/be there for him? Is that the gist?

MacBean's avatar

Judging from the information you’ve given, it sounds like I’ve been where he is, or at least somewhere very similar. My advice is to keep trying to contact him every couple of weeks. Most likely he will eventually either tell you what’s wrong or to stop bugging him.

susanc's avatar

All these answers seem really grounded to me.
But ouch. This sounds hard for you. Not only are you
worried but also deprived. I think it would be okay to wait
a couple of weeks and then write him a letter and tell him
YOU need HIM. Say why. Good luck.

wildflower's avatar

From your description, I think I know how your friend feels. I tend to be the same way. When I don’t have the energy or focus to be there for others, I pull away and don’t re-establish contact until I have the energy and focus back.
If that’s the case with your friend, he’s probably working through some stuff and doesn’t want to reach out to you because:
1) He doesn’t feel it’s right to burden you when he doesn’t have the energy to return the favor
2) He doesn’t want your image of him to be lessened and he feels it will be if he turns to you for help.

Again, if his pattern is like mine, he will contact you when he’s back on top of things, probably in a humble apologetic way.
My advice in that case would be to not give him a hard time over it, but let him know he can turn to you when he needs you – not just when he’s ready for you to need him.

trumi's avatar

I think Wildflower got it dead on.

Thanks guys. I guess I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing.

marinelife's avatar

I think that you need to separate a couple of things here. One is your feelings in that you want to be with and miss your friend. He for whatever reason cannot be there for you right now. You need to recognize and grieve that loss, and you need to actively look for new people that you can talk to deeply. It won’t be the same, but you still have the need.

Separate from that is staying connected to your friend and being a friend for him. I think that MacBean’s advice is right on there. Contact him every couple of weeks and say you have been thinking of him. Let him know that if he is up for it you’d love to see him, but tell him no pressure. You just want him to know that you care.

I hope things work out.

jdogg's avatar

my best friend sometimes acts like a for lack of better words a beotch and he doesn’t answer my calls if he doesn’t feel like it but as soon as he stops acting like he’s 3 he’s actually really fun. My advice is to except him for how he is and if its such a strain on you personally than let him know and if that doesnt help say sorry but I can’t handle when u ignore me all the time so I can’t be friends with u and when
u say u love him do u mean friend to friend or boyfriend to girlfriend kind of love because if u love him like falling in love kind of love then I dont know if I can help because I my best friend is my friend and nothing else so I wouldn’t know if it was that way but good luck and I hope everything goes over well. ! !

jdogg's avatar

I read what wildflower said and if that’s so than you just need to give it time and everything will be better.

jdogg's avatar

Ok well that doesn’t help me out much but I’m guessing it will all ok in a while.

wildflower's avatar

nice one! trumi!

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