So I'm stuck in the hospital and I need some cheering up. Does anybody have any good jokes?

Oh man. I have more hospital time coming up for surgeries. I bought a dancing baby Groot to keep me amused.

I’ll have to come back to post jokes.

OK, here goes. Bear with me, this one takes a while to tell. There was a woman in a small coastal town, who took a trip to visit a relative, and left her parrot with a sea captain friend. The captain was going out on a shakedown cruise on a sailing ship, and took said parrot with him. They ran into foul weather, and the First Mate, Mr. Laird, went aloft to take in a sail, and got stuck in the rigging. The captain yelled out, Laird is up in the rigging, toss him rope and pull him out! About the same time, the ship springs a leak, and another sail rips. The crew try to head over to fix the sail, but Cap is more concerned with the leak, and yells to his crew, let her rip! About that time, the ship gets a giant jolt, and the crew asks what happened. Captain yells out, hit a huge rock! They weather the storm, and after a few days go back to port, where the woman arrives to get her parrot. Following Sunday, she and the parrot are in Church. The Pastor starts out with, The Lord is up in Heaven! Parrot responds, toss him a rope, and pull him out! Pastor says, if that bird doesn’t shut up, I will throw my Bible at him! Parrot responds, Let her rip! The Pastor blows his cool throws his Bible, but misses the bird and hits a heavy set man in the second row. Parrot responds, hit a huge rock!

@Patty_Melt lol I wish that I could get a dancing baby groot!

@NomoreY_A Oh gosh that’s really funny!

I try : ) Hope I cheered you up for a spell.

@NomoreY_A you did cheer me up a little bit! :)

My work here is done : )

@NomoreY_A lol thanks :)

My Groot

Here you go. I swiped this from a friend’s Facebook posting:

A lawyer and a nun died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The nun’s room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.

They came to the lawyer’s room. It was huge, with wall to wall carpeting, king-sized water bed, indirect lighting, large screen TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The lawyer said, “There must be a mistake. This must be the nun’s room!”

St Peter said, “There’s no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of nuns, but you’re our very first lawyer!”

I like that joke! I have a joke about a ventriloquist and a farmer, but i think I’ve told it here already. Have you heard it already?

@CWOTUS lol!! Now I’m laughing!

See no Evil.
Hear no Evil.
Speak no Evil.
Rohypnol™

@CWOTUS I actually feel bad that the lawyer died :P

Some scientists spent years to develop a pen that could endure the environment of space and they announced their invention.

A boy saw it and said “Why not just use pencil?”

No jokes but only one person here wouldn’t like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_mHhn4eT10

So, Jesus walks into a Holiday Inn and throws a handful of nails on the counter and says “Can you put me up for the night?”

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

What is the difference between a girls track team and a tribe of pygmys’?

One of them are a cunning bunch of runts and the other is a…..............

I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

Wow, @rojo, sadist joke books much?

My life, my love.

How ‘bout this then?

The top ten reasons Eve was created:
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn’t have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”
And the #1 reason why God created Eve:
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that!”

Yes. I like that one.

Atheist Knock-knock joke

Knock Knock
Who’se there
God
Who?
God
Who?
God
Must be the wind.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?” The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.”

Chant on an Alzheimers Demonstration:

What do we want?
YES!
When do we want it?
WHAT?

Let us try a different track:

So, Davy Crockett is standing on the wall of the Alamo and he looks over and sees 3000 Mexicans spread out before the walls awaiting the order to attack. He leans back into the Alamo and yells to Travis “Hey! Are we pouring concrete today?”.

What is the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore will f*ck anyone.
A bitch will f*ck anyone…........but you.

Have you heard the joke about the guy trying to order rissoles in a fancy restaurant?

He scrutinises the menu for some time while the waiter hovers in the background. Finally he stretches back in his chair and announces that he would like to order “four pissholes”.

There is an awkward silence then the waiter points to the menu and whispers in the man’s ear, “that is actually a letter r sir, not a p”.

The guy leans forward again and scrutinises the menu intently. “you are right” he says “I am so embarrassed. I am sorry. I can’t believe I made such a stupid mistake. I do beg everyone’s pardon.”

He looks at the menu one final time then announces in a loud voice “can I have four arseholes please”.

In 1955, after WWII had been over for ten years and the British and French were getting along rather well in the aftermath, and early in her reign, the newly crowned Queen Elizabeth invited French president DeGaulle and his wife, Marie, to London for a state banquet. It was a very lavish affair, filled with the beau monde of British and French society. Marie DeGaulle, as befitted her position of rank, was seated next to the Queen.

At a quiet moment in the dinner, and between courses, the Queen asked Mrs. DeGaulle what she hoped to achieve in the better days ahead.

Mrs. DeGaulle answered brightly and quickly, and apparently pretty loud and clearly, “A penis.” The entire table fell silent, dumbstruck, and all heads swiveled her way.

Her husband rose to her rescue. “Ma cherie,” he said, “In England the way they say the word for what you want is ‘appiness.”

A famous and very accomplished ventriloquist once visited a very old friend of his on the man’s farm. They had not seen each other in many years, and the farmer did not know of his friend’s skill in ventriloquism. So the visitor decided to play some games with his old friend. He announced that he’d like to see the farm and hear from the animals.

When they went out to the barn, he projected his voice to have the cow “say” to both of them, “Maybe you can talk to this farmer and get him to stop pinching my udders and taking all of my milk, which is meant for my calf. And if he’s going to do it anyway, he should do it earlier in the morning! My udder hurts when it’s full of milk, and I have to keep standing here for hours.” The farmer seemed surprised, but he didn’t say a word. They continued the tour.

Soon they arrived at the horse’s stall. The horse “spoke” to the visitor, “Man, I’m glad to see you. This guy seems to think he can saddle me up any time he wants and just ride all over the farm, to hell and gone. And if you can believe the nerve of the guy, he even hitches me to plows and wagons and has me pull loads around, too! It’s not fair! No one else has to work like I do.” The farmer seemed thoughtful, but again said not a word.

As they approached the pig pen, they heard a boar “speak”, who said, “Hey there. It’s awful that we’re not allowed to run around and exercise like other animals. It’s no good to be raised in a confined area like this and made to become fat. This is no way to live.” The farmer stroked his beard and continued to think deeply.

Finally, as they left the pig pen, but before they got to the field with the sheep in it, the farmer spoke. “Listen,” he said, “We’re going to see the sheep, but you have to know before we do that they are infamous and scandalous liars.”

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again.

Q. How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
A. Juan by Juan.

Q. What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?
A. If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.

Q. Why can’t you compare Donald Trump to cancer?
A. Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

Q. What is the official motto for Trumpcare?
A. “If you like your cancer, you can keep your cancer.”

Q. What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common?
A. They both barely cover the asshole.

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. “Nothing,” said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?” “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as “Thank you.” “Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.” “Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
The little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a beer?”
Grandpa replied, “Can your dick touch your ass?”
The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said “Then you’re not man enough to have a beer.”

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asked, “Grandpa, can I have a cigar?”
Once again, Grandpa asked, “Can your dick touch your ass?”
The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, “Then your not man enough to have a cigar.”

A little later, the little boy came out of the house with a cookie.
Grandpa asked, “Can I have a cookie?”
The boy asked “Can your dick touch your ass?”
Grandpa replied, “Hell yeah my dick can touch my ass!”
The boy replied, “Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these cookies for me.”

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.
The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
She says, “I know. I’m gonna get boobs too.”

Hope these keep you occupied for a while.

Say what you want against paedophiles, but they slow down in school zones.

An old man lay in his bedroom at home, about to die from a cancer that he had been battling for many years. The doctor had come and gone, and told his elderly wife that nothing more could be done, and that he would probably expire within hours.

After a while of lying in bed, sleeping off and on, the man awakened to the scent of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies coming from downstairs. Mouth watering, and developing an appetite for solid food for the first time in weeks, he got out of bed. Slowly, achingly, and carefully he hobbled, inch by inch and foot by foot to the stairway. He crept downstairs, holding the rail with both hands as he fought to preserve his balance and to fight the pain that swept over him as he neared the kitchen.

As he got to the bottom of the stairs his appetite for the cookies was overwhelming, but he also felt stronger than he did in bed. He walked into the kitchen, and there was his wife, occupied with putting another sheet of cookies into the oven to bake. Every horizontal surface in the kitchen was already covered with lovely, wonderful-smelling and warm chocolate chip cookies. He reached out a trembling hand to take the one nearest to where he stood.

Suddenly he felt the back of his hand slapped – hard! – by a hot spatula. His wife snarled at him with furious eyes, “Stop that! Those are for the funeral!”

I read in the paper this morning that a website is promoting and selling “Anne Frank” Halloween costumes.
If traditional patterns hold, next year there will be “Sexy Anne Frank” costumes.

… yeah, and the year after that, “Younger and Sexier Anne Frank” costumes.

and do not forget the “Zombie Anne Frank” costumes, and the “Anne Frank in SS Uniform” costume.

Thank you everyone for the great jokes. They all made me smile and made me feel better. :)