Social Question

furious_rose's avatar

Should your significant other have unlimited access to your stuff?

Asked by furious_rose (476points) December 5th, 2017

Should you allow your SO to go through your cell phone messages, contact list, and call log? What about your internet browsing history?
Is this a matter of establishing important personal boundaries in a relationship, or establishing trust based on transparency? Personally, I think it’s offensive and intrusive for my husband to even request access to every part of my life, but obviously, he disagrees.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

32 Answers

Patty_Melt's avatar

Even boxing has neutral corners.
No, love does not mean having to live under a microscope.
If I had a SO, and he asked to look through my phone, read my texts, etc, I would feed him knuckles.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

Do you feel you should be allowed to go through all his phone stuff, contact list and so on?
how about his browsing history?
I have NOTHING to hide from my wife, so she can look at anything she wishes, when she wishes,life is easier that way.

Mariah's avatar

I agree with @Patty_Melt. People are allowed to have boundaries in relationships, and when somebody insists on seeing everything, it indicates they don’t trust you. Having boundaries doesn’t mean you have something to hide, and privacy isn’t the same thing as secrecy. It’s just healthy.

josie's avatar


But on the other hand it would be best if your stuff did not contain anything that would create a problem if they saw it.

flameboi's avatar

No, absolutely not. If you let one go you will be doomed forever…

MrGrimm888's avatar

I am OK with it. But I probably wouldn’t go through my SO’s phone. Trust is everything. If I’m going through my SO’s phone, it’s already too late, regardless of if something bad is exposed. If I trust her, I have NO business in her phone. If I don’t, we’re probably on the way out anyway….

I can see/appreciate both sides of the argument though…

Zaku's avatar

Should you allow your SO to go through your cell phone messages, contact list, and call log? What about your internet browsing history?

Depends on you, them, and your relationship to them, and the boundaries of that relationship, and the meanings each of you attach to things.

Is this a matter of establishing important personal boundaries in a relationship, or establishing trust based on transparency?

It is often seen to be about either or both of those. When one person thinks it’s all about one and the other thinks it’s all about the other, you get to enjoy processing each of your stored emotions and arguments about it. Welcome to disagreement city, and the growth opportunities it holds. ;->

Personally, I think it’s offensive and intrusive for my husband to even request access to every part of my life, but obviously, he disagrees.

I’m with you, generally, unless he is fantastic at accepting, allowing, understanding, not drawing conclusions, and so on. And even so, if he were good at understanding, allowing and accepting, then why would he feel the need to go through your stuff and fail to accept your boundaries.

In my personal opinion, wanting to go through someone’s browser history in almost any circumstance (other than e.g. trying to find content you’d like to see again, diagnose a software bug, or find out what you might have been doing before you were abducted) is, to put it mildly, evil fuckery. Or, to tone it down even further, it’s boundry-less control-maniac paranoia and disregard for privacy, an assertion of domination, and all sorts of other BS. It indicates an unhealthy state of mind, to me, not to mention an annoying/stifling one.

I have been in relationships (and am in one now) where there’s really nothing to hide and I wouldn’t care, but not-just-coincidentally, I also entirely trust her and neither of us feel any need or reason to do such things, and we also wouldn’t just out of respect and acknowledgement that it’s a kindness to not do such things.

snowberry's avatar

This is counter intuitive and doesn’t make much sense to normal people, but I have a friend who is going through this. Dishonest people don’t trust others because they assume everyone is just like them. So even though she is honest in their relationship, he is not (he has cheated on her many times). And yes she lives under a microscope. He tries to control every aspect of her life because his is out of control and so he thinks he needs to manage her.

Guess what? They are getting a divorce.

If he insists on going through your stuff, this is a red flag.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Nobody wants to live under a microscope or feel like they are always walking on pins and needles.

Darth_Algar's avatar

“Should your significant other have unlimited access to your stuff?”

Absolutely not. Being in a relationship does not mean surrendering personal boundaries or privacy. It does not mean allowing your SO to lord over you. And having personal boundaries doesn’t mean having something to hide, it simply means that you’re still your own person.

Rarebear's avatar

My wife can go through whatever I have, I don’t give a shit. But she doesn’t give a shit what I look at or who I call nor I give a shit what she looks at or who she calls.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It would bother me if my SO wanted to go through my stuff. I have nothing to hide, but him wanting to go through my stuff suggests he doesn’t trust me, and that would piss me off.

marinelife's avatar

Wow! This is a red flag. Why would he need to have access to those things? Have you done something to break trust? If not, is he trying to control you? Did he have an untrustworthy partner in the past?

In any case, unless you have violated his trust, I think that this is more about him than about you.

As it happens, my husband knows all of my passwords and how to access everything as I do his, but he doesn’t and I wouldn’t, and we both fully trust the other. If we have a question, we talk about it.

snowberry's avatar

Are you legally connected to each other in someway? Regardless I would form an exit plan as quickly as I could if I were you! But if he can read everything you’re doing he’s also reading this message.

So now this message is directed toward @furious_rose’s significant other:

She has every right to be furious and she has every right to dump you as quickly as possible because you are the one with the problem not her!

flutherother's avatar

I have been there and I found it very intrusive and uncomfortable. My ex wife checked what I had been doing on the computer and would also open and read my snail mail which I didn’t like. There was nothing I didn’t want her to see but I wasn’t happy with it and it seemed to generate clouds of unreasonable suspicion. I think it is important to have your own space within a relationship and to have trust in one another. Constantly checking up on one other never creates security, quite the opposite.

tinyfaery's avatar

Nope. Being in a relationship does not strip you of your personal space.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

Ladies you haven’t answered me, you say you are entitled to your space and privacy , and I will agree with you sure, but is he as well?????
Should you be able to see his texts and browser history anytime you wish to do so??

tinyfaery's avatar

I don’t have a he in my life. My wife has just as much right to her privacy as I do. She does not belong to me.

Mariah's avatar

^ Agreed, this goes both ways.

YARNLADY's avatar

I can’t even imagine a time when I would care. It never occurred to me that we would not have complete mutual access.

TheGirlInterrupted's avatar

This had been issue in my relationship as well. I feel that I don’t have anything to hide, therefore my partner can go through whatever he wants and I should be able to go through what I want. BUT I never would and nor would he.
When we were very young both of us started snooping on each other there was tremendous strain on our relationship. After never finding anything and always making nothing into something we decided to find a common ground if we were to move on.
We decided we both did hurtful things, to move on and both to follow this golden rule – don’t do anything that would upset one another on social media, phones, web surfing etc. If we didn’t want the other to see it, just don’t do it. We also established what is reasonably hurtful to one another.
This changed everything and we both found ourselves not being protective of our devices. He gave me the password to his computer, I let him use my iPad with no hesitation. Because we have open access to each other’s accounts, we don’t feel the need to snoop or worry.
I can see why you would feel violated if he is being paranoid, but if you didn’t have anything to hide maybe you wouldn’t care? My suggestions is, if this is the first time this has come up, maybe let him look one time. And then allow him to have access to everything and show you aren’t resisting. Keep an eye out though because if he still doesn’t trust you, and he continues to snoop there is a deeper problem and maybe you guys should see a marriage counselor or consider splitting.
I have found also that little actions can cause someone already insecure to worry even more. (Remember it’s ok to a degree for him to have insecurities because we are all human and we all struggle.) For instance, keeping your phone turned upside down all the time or having everything password locked and not allowing him to see or know the passwords is unnecessary behavior to display to your own husband. Maybe think about that?
Good luck to you.

snowberry's avatar

Here’s the deal. Whether you allow him or not, he can remotely put a keylogger onto your computer cell phone iPad whatever, and read everything.

I have a friend who is in the process of divorcing her narcissistic, controlling, passive aggressive, #$@*! husband. What’s worse is that he is a policeman. He has remotely accessed all of her devices (It is possible to remotely put a keylogger into somebody else’s device.) She cannot even send a private email to her attorney! But that’s another story.

At any rate after helping my friend through all this, I see all kinds of red flags in your relationship.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I am sure that has to be illegal. Should be easy enough to set a trap for him.

snowberry's avatar

The guy I’m speaking of happens to have all the cash because she was a stay at home mom from the beginning. They have several small children and getting a job right now is simply not a possibility for her, so she can’t hire somebody to do all the forensic work that would be required to go after him. So yes it’s illegal, but like so many in his profession, he thinks it’s OK as long as he doesn’t get caught. To make matters worse, he’s also had extensive training that actually helps him accomplish his goals (swat, undercover tactics, and covert activities, etc).

The list goes on and on and it’s totally corrupt the way the whole thing has been run. Remember how cops cover their own? Well that’s whats going on here, and the court is favoring him even though he’s an abusive jerk.

Response moderated (Spam)
Dutchess_III's avatar

@snowberry I don’t think they can put spy ware on your phone remotely. I’m pretty sure they have to physically do it on your phone.

snowberry's avatar

@Dutchess_III I think this is what he did. They were in the process of divorcing, and he either installed spyware on her phone when he had access to it (maybe she had put it down for a few minutes in his presence) or
“If he knew the Apple ID and password for her iPhone, he could use the mSpy Without Jailbreak solution to spy on his iPhone, without having to jailbreak it.”

Dutchess_III's avatar

You still need physical access to the phone.

snowberry's avatar

Yes, that’s what I just said. There are two ways to spy.

Response moderated (Spam)
Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Response moderated (Spam)

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther