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VirgoGirl826's avatar

So-called friend always leaving me out?

Asked by VirgoGirl826 (383points) June 10th, 2018

My “friend”/roommate has a habit of making plans with her other friend (s) pretty much in my face or when I’m within earshot, and not even bothering to ask me if I’d like to come along too. For instance, towards the end of last semester, I’d mentioned wanting to go to The Cheesecake Factory to celebrate the semester being over; then a couple days later, I happened to open the refrigerator to see a to-go box from there. When I playfully asked her about it, she said that the previous night, she and some friends “just ended up there”.

Then just last night, when I was pretty much within earshot, she and her friend “L” (the three of us are living together for the summer) decided to go get pizza together w/o bothering to ask me if I’d like to join, when just 2 or 3 days ago I suggested getting pizza for dinner because no one felt like cooking, but we ultimately didn’t get it. And every time she does this, it’s like she tries to lower her voice so I won’t hear their plans, making them feel obligated to ask me if I want to come too (which is also the reason why I don’t “invite myself”). Always going to the grocery store without me when I need to go as well; I’ll mention groceries, then go to work the next day for 8 hrs., come home, then a couple hours later they come through the door with hands full of grocery bags, leaving me to have to spend money on Lyft to get to the store while she gets rides for free with “our” friend. She could’ve texted me and asked if I wanted to go when I got off…

I don’t want to say anything because she just had drama last month with another friend and said she feels like every time she turns around, somebody’s mad at her. But I’m mad because this is something that’s constantly happening. I don’t want to come off like I feel like I’m supposed to be invited everywhere she goes, but at the same time I just feel like it’s rude to sit there and make plans in somebody’s face and totally exclude them, but claim they’re your friend and act normal.

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11 Answers

Patty_Melt's avatar

Sometimes in a group two people will naturally gravitate towards each other. In a small group, that can leave someone feeling left out. That is unfortunate, but a frequent occurrence.
Then too, there are sometimes a person in the group who quickly spots someone with advantages, such as a car, or trust fund, and makes a fast bond to take advantage. In those cases, the used person usually tires of the leach fairly soon.
It is hard to know just from reading one person’s account just how things are going, but it sounds like you would do best with a friend who is not one of your roommates. That doesn’t mean things should get ugly. Having roommates is good for everybody’s budget, right? Just think of them the same as some of the people you know at work but never hang out with.

RocketGuy's avatar

She is your acquaintance/roommate, not friend/rooommate. She does not see the need to include you. She had her own group of friends. You should go find your own group esp. if she does not include you in hers.

awaisali's avatar

She is not good for you at all.

snowberry's avatar

It definitely would add drama, and ruin whatever good in the relationship you have with her, but you could correct her and say, “You are NOT my friend. Friends act like it. We are nothing more than roommates.”

Or you could just assume that she’s confused on the definitions of roommate and friend, and forget it. And then of course go find people who are worth your time and energy. So join a club or church youth group and find your friends there.

marinelife's avatar

Move out, This woman is not your friend.

LadyMarissa's avatar

She sees you simply as a roommate & not necessarily a friend. She feels closer to the other person than she does to you. Being roommates does not automatically make you friends!!! When you live together as roommates, sometimes it’s good to get away from each other as a temporary break. Maybe she does see you as a friend but she just feels closer to the other girl. Make your own friends & STOP stressing over what this girl chooses to do.

Love_my_doggie's avatar

Even the most happily-married people need their own friends, interests, and activities. Partners may be joined for life, but they remain separate individuals. It isn’t healthy for two people to do everything together and forgo all the things that make each person unique. Also, if one partner tries to control all of the other person’s time, attention, and relationships, that’s equally unhealthy.

Given all that for a marriage, what do you think about two roommates? It does sound as you and she are friends; you and she talk and interact, and you do some things together. Are you unfair to feel neglected because she has other friends and goes places without you? Can you accept that you’re expecting too much of her, and that you need to have a solid social life of your own? The fact that she makes her own plans, right in front of you, tells me that she isn’t hiding anything from you or being sneaky; she’s just living her life.

stanleybmanly's avatar

You definitely need new friends. Dump the queen bee as quickly as you can arrange it. It’s only a matter of time until the insults become unbearable. On your way out you should remind the lone remaining acolyte that her fate will be similar.

VirgoGirl826's avatar

@Love_my_doggie I don’t think simply wanting someone to be considerate is “expecting too much”...then again, according to you, I suppose it is. And seeing as it’s Summer time and like I said in my question, it’s only the three of us here since other friends have gone away until August, I don’t feel I’m “being unfair feeling neglected”

Kardamom's avatar

I don’t know how your roomate sees you. Were the two of you “good friends” at one time, and now things have changed?

Sometimes people can be friends for a long time, but then their tastes, interests, and priorities change. Also, other people come along (other friends, or a boyfriend) that are more interesting or more compatible. Sometimes the original friend (in this case you) gets sloughed off. In this case, it’s best to just go with the flow instead of trying to figure it out, fighting against it, or pining over the loss.

On the other hand, people sometimes have an inaccurate perception of their relationships with other people. From what you’ve said, it seems like that is more likely the case. Just because you are roomates with this girl, does not mean that she views you as anything more than an acquaintence. It looks like she is good friends with the other girl and prefers to spend most of her time with her. No one wants to be the “tag along” so don’t put yourself in that position.

Even if you technically have some things in common with with your roomate, that doesn’t make for automatic friendship, compatibility, or “chemistry”.

You should concentrate on doing your own thing, and getting together with friends (old and new, and people you’ve not yet met) who truly want to be with you. You also need to be more aware of what that means. If you give off a air of desperation, people won’t want to be around you, no matter how many things you have in common.

When you meet people, with whom you have stuff in common, just be friendly and inclusive. Invite people to do things with you, but don’t get offended or weepy if they decline. It’s easy to spot “your people” if you are paying attention. It should be easy, and you will feel a connection, and you will notice that the other person feels the connection too.

If you feel like you are having to “work too hard” to have a friendship, something is wrong.

Also know that there are lots of different kinds, and levels of friendship. Some people are soul mates, some people are work friends, some people are activity-related friends, some people are long distance (barely ever see them) friends, and some perfectly nice people are merely acquaintances.

You need to sort out what kind of relationships you actually have with people, and then decide whether you are content with that, or whether you need to walk away.

It’s not a bad thing to have people in your life that are on a different level of familiarity than a best friend.

lucybrighton's avatar

Did you do something to piss her off? Maybe she is mad at you for something and you don’t even about it. The next time you are casually hanging out in your apartment, ask if she is angry at you for something. To me, it seems like you two have some unresolved issues. So instead of confronting her about her behavior, just ask if she is upset with you about something. It will help you start a conversation!

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