General Question

TrenchantWit's avatar

What would you do?

Asked by TrenchantWit (290points) August 26th, 2008

Wife has a photo album with pictures of her past from high school and college, and has pictures of her with a ex-boyfriend, ie: sitting on his lap, kissing, laying in bed… Now I’ve known her long enough to not be bothered, BUT i now want her to get rid of them because i do not want our three year old daughter to come across them…She’s insisting I’m over reacting. My feeling is that even if she hides them real well now, eventually, like every snoopy child does, my little one will come across them even if she may be fourteen at the time, I feel its something better left to the imagination though stories.

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23 Answers

blastfamy's avatar

Those photos may mean a lot to her, so asking her to destroy them may be a bit over-the-top for her. I can understand your not wanting the little one to see the pictures, though.

There is a sensible solution, though…

Try suggesting to your wife that you invest in a safe. Hide the safe. When your three-year-old daughter turns into a 12y.o. gumshoe, she may find the safe; w/o the key/combo, the contents remain a mystery. All is OK.

windex's avatar

i am REALLY REALLY sorry if the following sentence sounds/may sound like an insult. I promise you it is Not. I say it with All the love (zero hate)

Grow a pair and stand up for what is right.

“oh honey you are over reacting.” OMG really? A picture of her and an ex-boyfriend IN BED. COMON, “hey daddy who is that?” “oh no one baby, just someone your mom used to bang”

I mean where do you draw the line. There is NO discussion here. Again i am REALLY SORRY if this sounds hostile but you can not argue with LOGIC.

this is what I would say “oh…hey honey, I UNDERSTAND that those pictures are a reminder of your HS years (whatever) but don’t you THINK that it would be Extremely AWKWARD if jenny (insert your daughter’s name here) saw them” (kiss her while holding a paper shredder and stare into her eyes, que Elton John track)

gailcalled's avatar

Get a small safety deposit box at local bank; good for original copies of wills, etc, Grandma’s diamond tiara, your percent of the Brink’s caper and memorabilia. C. $60/year = peace of mind.

blastfamy's avatar

@windex, as much as I agree with you that it would be very awkward for the little one to see such photographs, I think that you are wrong where it comes to forcing the wife to get rid of the photos.

At the risk of turning this question into another relationship advice column:

Solid relationships are about trust, commitment, and understanding. A good husband should understand that there were others before him. This is gasp natural! There is no reason why she shouldn’t be able to keep something that is special to her about her past close by. To suggest that he should “grow a pair” and shred them is to suggest that their relationship is in trouble due to serious trust/understanding issues.

windex's avatar

how about a separate album just for those pics?

Problem solved. super easy solution

Bri_L's avatar

I think you have every right to ask her to move them to another place her kids wont find them.

I also think, if she cared about them and you, she would want to.

It’s kind of odd to have pictures like that around where your kids could find them wether it was you or and ex.

VanBantam's avatar

I know this whole thing may seem obvious but as we all know we sometimes forget the obvious solutions.

How have you approached her regarding these photos? Did you say “Hey dude take those down”? I don’t know if you tried this but I would talk to her using a lot of “I” statements and talk about how you feal about the issue. Validation is important as well.

“Honey I am concerned about this photo album you have. I know the images mean a lot to you. I am worried about when our child get’s older and begins to snoop about. Could we work together on a solution where you can keep your photos but also make it difficult for a snooping child to find? <* insert any of the above suggestions here *>”

Mix the words up so it sounds like you just in case she goes on fluther and you actually listen to some internet stranger’s advice.

Bri_L's avatar

@ VanBantam – excellant point.

TrenchantWit's avatar

This was a test… I had a live in ex-girlfriend in which I did have a child with, its an old problem that i resolved…She was a horrible troubled narcissistic human. I did exactly what @windex said, yea it did cause major issues, but it was one argument in many that proved that I was not with the right woman for me. I’m now extraordinarily happy being single and loving the time I get to spend with my daughter, one on one. Getting a safe is a retarded idea, any woman committed to a man should not even have pictures like that anywhere, it degrades them as a man. I was honestly just looking to see what people would say to a issue I had in the past and it bothers me that only one person (in six hours of being posted on the “collective”) could agree with me. Enough of how you “should” approach your partner, I am a caring individual and did speak to her in the right tone to try to make things work. To everyone out there, FEEL HOW YOU FEEL, SPEAK ABOUT WHAT BOTHERS YOU, LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE,ARGUE ABOUT WHAT NEEDS TO BE SETTLED,MAKE A LIFE YOU WILL ENJOY, because if you don’t you will regret it.

windex's avatar

uhhhhhhh a TEST you say…did I pass?

-hope you are OK now, and everything is OK
imho the most important thing is your health
and the happiness of ppl around you (family, kids etc.)

JackAdams's avatar

You need to respect her stuff and let HER decide what she wants to keep, and what she needs to toss.

Either you love and trust her 100%, or you don’t.

The photos can be placed in a safety deposit box at the bank, where the kid cannot acces them.

August 27, 2008, 2:14 AM EDT

SeekerSeekiing's avatar

I think the album is fine. Mommy had a life before Daddy. Mommy had a boyfriend before Daddy. It’s a flat 1 dimensional surface. My hubby has pixs of his xwife in an album. I have xboyfriend pixs….it was our ‘before’ life.

Bri_L's avatar

@ trentch – read the answers again. Most said she should put them away. I myself said it was wiered.

I believe our answers still stand based on the info you gave us. Had you mentioned she wasn’t your wife and a horrible narssisstic human, perhaps some answers would have been different.

And finnaly, the only way those pictures, or anything for that matter, are going to “degrade you as a man” is if that is your mentality.

I have to tell you I really don’t think that is any way to judge manlyness. Loving the time you spend with your daughter despite how you feel about her mom is manly.

windex's avatar

@Bri L -I believe that this is about his Daughter, rather than himself or his manliness. It’s not that he’s jealous because there is another guy in a picture with his gf/wife from 10 years ago. When there is a kid in the equation, it changes everything.

Bri_L's avatar

@ windex – His first “question” was about his daughter, or would have been if it had not turned out to be a “test”. He changed all that when he announced it a “test”. Then it turned out to be about his daughter and his character.

I stand by my answer, as do, I am sure, most others on here. If you, as an adult, are unable to put photos out of reach of a child, what do you do with knives, medicine, cleaners, tools, small objects that could be swallowed etc.

My point was, he can badger us for our answers but given the info he gave us in the original question, I believe our answers were more adult and correct. Had he told us more, as he did when he laid into us, perhaps we would have had less concern for her feelings, perhaps not.

windex's avatar

True true.

Bri_L's avatar

And one last thing.

He did the best thing he could. Hang with and enjoy his daughter. the rest is the rest.

good for him. and I am glad he got out and his happy.

windex's avatar

I am also glad that everything worked out. Being Healthy and Happy is really important.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

just buy a safe.

MissAnthrope's avatar

As someone mentioned above, your life doesn’t begin when you start a romantic relationship with someone. People have others in their life that meant something to them, keeping pictures is one way of remembering someone and the time they spent together.

I don’t think it’s weird to keep photos of your ex. I do it, my exes have done it. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything other than your partner cared for that person and wants to keep some memories.

If I was worried about my daughter finding them, it’s fairly simple to keep them out of her hands, no matter how old she is. Download them from the phone, buy a password-protection software and lock the folder the photos are in. If they’re hard copies, buy a cash box, put them in there, and lock it. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but if it concerns you, it’s relatively simple to keep them out of someone else’s hands.

wildflower's avatar

Interesting “test”. And I’m curious as to why it bothers you that people don’t share your view when your very advice is to “FEEL HOW YOU FEEL”...

I get the impression your personal preference to problem solving is confrontation. Not everyone agrees with that and I’m not sure what you’ve accomplished by “testing” the collective rather than asking honestly. I also think your negative view of those that would approach the situation with a view to finding a mutually acceptable solution is unwarranted, since your question did not indicate that you believed this woman to be wrong for you.

himalayan's avatar

Live in present situation, every person have some past experience in life but anybody good towards you in today then do not think about her past.

sahummell06's avatar

Seriously?? Are you going to tell your children that you met your wife in a convent and you wrestled her away from the nunnery to be your personal baby maker?? It is so important for all of our children to know that we are people and parents, and that it is ok to live a life and have stories to tell when we are all old and saggy. Please, don’t ask her to destroy who she was before she met you, all of those experiences created the person you fell in love with. . .remember??

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