Social Question

Harper1234's avatar

What made you decide to stay or go in a marriage?

Asked by Harper1234 (661points) 1 month ago

I wish I knew a point blank answer that would help me decide after 32 years of marriage whether to stay or go. I hate change and that is probably why I have stayed married for 32 years. I keep thinking about the upheaval that a divorce will cause but I also think I don’t have a lot of years left and would I be happy divorced instead of just passing thru the days? Neither of us wants to answer that question.

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26 Answers

chyna's avatar

You can be just as lonely, if not lonelier, living with a person you don’t like, have no feelings for, treats you badly, or any reason you have for contemplating divorce.
Would you be better off living on your own? Financially maybe not. But mentally, maybe so. Something you might want to do is try living apart for awhile. See how that works out and go from there. You might be able to rent an inexpensive apartment or house for 6 months. You might surprise yourself at how free you will feel. Good luck!

janbb's avatar

@chyna‘s advice is sound but often once you are out the door for a trial, it’s probably over. My Ex was the one who ended our marriage after 37 years. We get along in many ways and raised our children together amicably but we are very different emotionally. I’ve become a more fully realized person since we split and have done a lot of wonderful things but there are times when I miss the security of having a partner and someone warm next to me in bed. I wish it could have been different but I think that ending it was probably for the best sadly.

kritiper's avatar

I finally got it through my head that trying to deal with the opposite sex was just not something I was cut out to do, so gave it up at the age of 45. Since then I have never been happier!

ucme's avatar

I’d imagine the bottom line is your heart, if it aches more to stay than it does to go, then that’s the answer.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@ucme That’s a pretty good answer, buddy.

ucme's avatar

@KNOWITALL I have my moments darlin…blink & you’ll miss em :D

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I can’t imagine being without him. I have never met anyone quite like him and that fascination is unlikely to change.:)

Dutchess_III's avatar

@janbb Your story still makes me cry.

Dutchess_III's avatar

For me, it was when I realized he wasn’t going to change for the better, and he was starting to become abusive toward me, and worse, toward the children. I warned him for 3 years, but when I finally flat out filed he was SO shocked. So surprised.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

When I accepted all of my partners faults and gave up the idea that any of it would change I opened the door to that choice. It’s nearly a closed door now and I’m still there because we have mostly good days together and disagreements are resolved rather quickly. I envy the single life but realize it’s fleeting and not having a partner in life is no way to go through it.

Kardamom's avatar

The idea of staying with someone who doesn’t love me, or who treats me with disdain or indifference, or for whom I no longer have respect, is horrifying to me.

Being alone, does not mean being lonely. If you leave someone with whom you no longer have a decent relationship with, you get to choose how to live your life, on your own terms. Just make sure that you have a plan in place before you leave.

You may end up in a less financially desirable place, but if you plan before you leave, and ask respected people to help you figure it out, you can do it.

wiscoblond's avatar

When a partner can forgive because they know no one is perfect is the time you know to hold on and not let go.

29 years strong.

stanleybmanly's avatar

What made me decide? The fact that it works, and well

jca2's avatar

I have never been married, so I don’t have any personal experience with this.

A good friend is married to a man who came out to her as being gay about 10 years ago. She is dealing with his infidelity and yet he wants to stay married, loves her, enjoys her companionship, etc. There would be a lot to deal with for anybody getting divorced – the financial aspect (in my friend’s case, his pension and their two houses), the lifetime of friendship and mutual friends and family, the anger, the hurt.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I don’t understand that. OK, so he’s gay. Can’t he remain just as faithful as he was when he thought he was hetero? As faithful as I imagine his wife is continuing to be?

jca2's avatar

He could be faithful but he’s not. That’s what is upsetting her.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@jca2 So he’s asking for an open marriage where he and she is allowed to have relations outside of the marriage. Could be tricky but also could be a great situation if handled appropriately. It’s becoming fairly popular again in my area.

jca2's avatar

He would like her to not date anybody else.

That’s the selfish part.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@jca2 If he loved her, he’d want her to be happy, too, not just himself.

Perhaps he’s wanting to keep the ‘beard’ and not publicly ‘come out’ to friends and family, but still have his fun on the side? Either way, hard pass. Sounds like a manipulator to me.

jca2's avatar

Yeah she’s in a tough spot. She loves him as a friend and he loves her but he wants to be able to do his thing (like many men do).

KNOWITALL's avatar

@jca2 Are we talking about @Harper1234?

Tough situation, I wonder what his pov is. Be interesting for him to explain it to us, his logic.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I’d say to hell with him. If putting his dick in some guy is more important to him than me, then good bye.

jca2's avatar

@KNOWITALL: My friend is not on here. She’s not @Harper1234.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@jca2 Oh ok, I was confused. Thanks.

janbb's avatar

^^ Yes, that was a very strange leap.

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