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doomslayer's avatar

Why am I developing violent thoughts and tendencies?

Asked by doomslayer (16points) 1 week ago

I will start off by saying that I am considering seeing a therapist. The things to figure out are money and time.

I’m really on here only to ask this one question, because this has reached the point where I’m dying for opinions and I cannot comfortably ask my friends or loved ones.

I live with a couple roommates and one of them has a cat. I have owned pets before but never a cat. I treated my pets with love and respect and never once did a thought about harming them come across my mind. I’ve been living with my roommates and the cat for an entire year now.

Gradually, I developed urges to hurt the cat. I don’t want to kill it. I want to torment it. In the beginning, whenever my roommates were away, there was a period when I really wanted to throw the cat in water and watch it flail. I never managed to fully do it, but I did get it really wet several times.

I then had extreme guilt and talked to the cat as if it were a person, apologizing to it and promising it that I would never do that again.

I haven’t thrown the cat in water since, but I have ended up breaking that promise by doing other things. I have stuffed it in drawers. I have stuffed it in bags and suitcases. Sometimes I just pick it up and flail it around in my hands to hear it panic. Just today, before writing this, I poked and prodded it with a stick I found outside. I wanted to force it out of its comfort zone and it mewed mournfully.

The inexplicable urge always comes spontaneously when I’m alone. The bizarre thing is that I want to torment it but then later soothe it and feed it and pamper it. It’s like an abusive relationship, which doesn’t make sense because I’m currently in a relationship and have not abused nor have any desire to abuse my significant other.

I have noticed a general trend in this “inner rage” that has been developing inside of me. When I was little, I always wanted to do good. As I grew up and learned about politics and the “real world”, I developed urges that ruined that “heroic” dream of mine. Instead of my delusions of grandeur being about saving people and feeding the poor, I zoned out to fantasies about mass murdering every single politician on the planet. Every time the news happens to be on (whether it be FOX, CNN, NPR, etc), I get triggered and want to go postal on the entire world. I’m also very high functioning. I could be talking and laughing at dinner but on the inside I’m screaming, “LAY WASTE TO THE ENTIRE PLANET. BRING A NEW GREAT FLOOD. KILL EVERY LIVING CREATURE. MANKIND CANNOT REDEEM ITSELF.”

It drives me to be physically fit. I run and jog so fast for my age because I think to myself “I have to kill Trump” or “I have to kill Hillary.” When I do intense workouts, and if I happen to be alone, I can push myself by shouting aloud, “I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU, TRUMP.” There are times on the treadmill when I have nearly broken out screaming in rage. I never actually did it, but I was close.

Like I said, it reached the point where I want to do something about this and want to understand why I’m like this. I hate it. I hate it so much. It’s like there’s a demon inside of me constantly croaking, “Kill them. Kill them all.” It’s so much easier to destroy than to create or maintain. I’m worried I’m developing a mental illness. A friend of mine who is a social worker has said that mental illnesses in men can emerge in their twenties and cement by their thirties, even if they showed no signs before then.

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16 Answers

KNOWITALL's avatar

Yes get help. You can check yourself in for an free evaluation thru local police, do that right now please. Do not ever touch that cat again.

Zaku's avatar

The cat is a person. Stop messing with it or i will track you down and stuff you someplace.

Well, no I won’t. But your guilt and karma will.

Seek help.

anniereborn's avatar

If you are trolling, please go away. If you are not, this question is so beyond our scope it’s inconceivable. You need serious help RIGHT NOW. Go to the ER.

Patty_Melt's avatar

Since we don’t know where you are, I don’t know just what services you have available to you, but you must get help right away somehow.
What you are experiencing is dangerous, for you, and everyone around you.
It will not go away on its own no matter how much you want it to.
You must get help.
It is good that you found a way to admit these things. It gives me hope that you can work through to a solution.

longgone's avatar

Are you grieving or otherwise traumatized? That can cause intense rage.

You need to immediately make the choice to never hurt this cat again. Now, while you’re responsible enough to ask this question, is the time to take necessary precautions. Tell a professional today. Go to the hospital if there are no other resources available. You seem very ill, but a number of mental illnesses can be cured fairly quickly.

The cat is not safe with you while you are healing. Its mental health is being compromised, and cats can’t get therapy.

Find another place to stay as soon as possible. Until you do, get a hotel or stay with friends. You do not need to tell them the full truth – you can say that you’re having dark thoughts, need their help, and don’t want to talk about it at this time.

I wish you all the best. You’re going to be okay. Many others have gone through this, and gone back to being the kind and calm people they were before. You can, too. Good luck, and do stick to your values.

PS: Stay far away from any news sources, except for maybe this: https://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/category/news/

Patty_Melt's avatar

@longgone, I tried the link and it didn’t work for me.

Patty_Melt's avatar

If you live in the US, you should know the president just made cruelty to animals a felony.

jca2's avatar

Be honest with your roommate so he can protect his cat.

MrGrimm888's avatar

You are sad example of humanity. But, you show obvious remorse, so you aren’t unsaved.
I like that you are trying to get this anger out, in none destructive ways.
I recommend a heavy bag. Get your self a 80 lb heavy bag. Whale on it, until your anger is gone/exhausted.
It’s natural, to get SO mad. But take it out on an inanimate object.

What makes you so angry? Let’s start there…

Peace n love.

longgone's avatar

A word of caution: The old advice to get rid of anger through “venting” or other popular forms of catharsis (such as punching a pillow) has been proven to increase anger in studies. Punching pillows feels good, but it sustains your anger and makes you much more likely to seek revenge.

Exercise does improve our mood, but it needs to be the type to calm you down, not get you more psyched up. Try cycling along country paths, walking in a forest, maybe swimming. Or do something completely different – just as long as it’s incompatible with aggression and can keep you busy until you’re calm. Read a book or watch a show. Listen to music. Take a long, warm shower. Play a game with a friend.

@Patty_Melt Weird! Thanks for letting me know. Does it work now?
Vignette's avatar

You appear to be testing and pushing your boundaries that have now involved inflicting duress on a live animal and you express violent tendencies toward other including our President. You are screaming out for attention and getting some here but what you really need is professional help. You are fighting some internal stresses and apparently lack sufficient coping mechanisms to deal with your issues.

My wish for you is to tell your roommate your are having these thoughts and ask them to help you or seek a psych evaluation as what you wrote certainly qualifies you for one.

KNOWITALL's avatar

And just fyi, many psychopaths start with hurting animals and progress to humans. It’s a fact. If you don’t get help, it’s likely you’ll end up in prison eventually for losing what shred of control you currently have.

kritiper's avatar

What you are experiencing is a fact of life.
For example: If you put two rats in a box and feed them, they will multiply. But when the box becomes filled with rats, they will turn on each other and kill each other.
The box you are in has too many rats.

PaisleyFaye's avatar

Put yourself in your roommates shoes, and someone has violent and cruel intentions towards your pet, what’s the first thing that goes through your mind? I say talk with a therapist ASAP because thoughts can turn into actions even if you dont mean to take things that far. Thoughts alone can be harmful.

MrGrimm888's avatar

If I thought someone hurt my pet, I’d stomp.a puddle, in their ass. Lots of us think of our pets, as our children.
And yes, hurting animals, can be a getaway, to hurting people.
If you are in America, there are free treatment centers, for anger/depression.

Again, I ask, what are you so angry about?

snowberry's avatar

People who abuse other people usually start out abusing animals. Yes, do take this seriously! Get help.

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