Social Question

Yellowdog's avatar

Did you ever experience a break-up of a relationship? Why did it happen?

Asked by Yellowdog (9799points) 2 weeks ago

I am not wanting or needing to break up with anyone. This is not an advice-seeking question.

But I was having a discussion with my girlfriend about some of my relationships when I was a teenager—and how they eventually ended or drifted apart. And it occurred to me, that these were, in their day, really traumatic events. I realize that many adults go through painful break-ups as well, Some are scarred for life.

What attracts a person to someone in the first place whom they think will be their soul-mate possibly for life, if it is not meant to be, or the relationship dies? Are there ever amicable break-ups where both parties agree and there is minimal hurt? Why do relationships not work out?

These are fairly major life events and turning points, but because they are personal and often involve rejection and hurt, and sometimes betrayal, we seldom talk about them.

If you care to discuss, tell about a break-up you had in the past and why did it happen?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

40 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

A long time boyfriend and I broke up and we still talk occasionally.
We first went out 36 years ago.holy shit
If I were single, I would not be interested in dating him though.
He is as handsome as ever, in great shape and is truly a decent man but the only interest we really share is golf and I’d hate to have to wipe the floor with him.Again.:)
I never looked at dating as a heart-rending search for an ever lasting soulmate.I see it as a way to get to know someone but not necessarily as a means to an end.
I never really had marriage as a part of my goals which surprises me sometimes as I’m married now and am quite happy. :)

NoMoreY_Aagain's avatar

All of us have been there done that at some point. I always chalked it up to adolescent angst. Just a part of life and of growing up. Great Question though. I’m getting puke tired of war and politics.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Okay. I worked with a guy, we were both dating other people, both in our 20’s, and we fell hard. We each broke up with our partners and began dating.
Skip to 4 years later, we still had a roommate, he still wasn’t serious about settling down, and I was. I broke up with him on our actual 4 year anniversary morning, packed up and left.

At the time, I was very disappointed in him and wasting four years on someone who was an overgrown jock. But he was such good father and husband material it was hard, because I did love him madly, like adored every word he uttered.

We are still friends, as with many of my ex’s, we are both married and both chose not to have children. Even now, I’m convinced that I probably should have married him, because the chemistry and respect were so overwhelming. And for me, that is very rare.

gondwanalon's avatar

In my experiences the women was the one that always ended the relationship. Many reasons or excuses were offered to me. I never tried to change their minds. If they are not interested in my company then why would I want to be with them (I reasoned). It was painful to me but I just moved on. In San Francisco in the 1980’s there were a lot of single women. I could usually get a date. I bribed the women by offering to take them to an expensive show, play or dinner. In most relationships I was likely taken advantage of but I never felt used as I always had fun.

Sometimes no excuse was given for breaking up. Body language and cold verbal transactions were adequate.

Here’s a few excuses that were given to me for breaking up:

-“We are too different”.

-“You’re messing around with my mother” (That one made me want to run).

-“I just want you to be my friend” (and have you to continue to fix my commuter).

-“I’m an alcoholic”.

-“You are gay.” (a lot of people thought that I was gay even when I explained to them that I wasn’t).

SergeantQueen's avatar

What attracts a person to someone in the first place whom they think will be their soul-mate possibly for life, if it is not meant to be, or the relationship dies?
Well, I think when you first meet someone you don’t really know them that well so everything seems so great. Then after a while, maybe even once you move in with them (because you don’t really know someone until you live with them) things may change.
Relationships can fall apart because you start learning more about them and spending more time with them and realize you have different lifestyles, goals, plans, you may notice things they do that annoy you. Basically, you don’t know who your soulmate is until later in the relationship such as when you are married or have kids but things can still change so it’s hard. You can’t predict the future so it’s easy to call someone a soulmate now, when you don’t know what’s going to happen.

Are there ever amicable break-ups where both parties agree and there is minimal hurt?
Yeah, people mutually agree to break up and (possibly) remain friends all the time. Doubtful about the minimal hurt though. It always hurts.

Why do relationships not work out?
Because people have different plans in life, goals, all that. Nobody is the same and everybody has things that they do that others are annoyed by and don’t like. I think relationships work when you learn to live with those annoyances because you love the person so much.

I can’t really explain why the break ups happened with me. I was 14 in my first relationship and I never thought it would last forever. We were both stupid. So that is probably why. How the break-up happened was immature on his end, sending me an “out of service” text was dumn.

My last relationship would require about 10 pages of explaining so I won’t get into it. But it was hard and had to happen because sometimes, people shouldn’t be together not because it isn’t “meant to be” but because those two people are NOT good for each other.

NoMoreY_Aagain's avatar

@KNOWITALL I’m sure you had good reasons for the break up, but doing it smack dab on the anniversery day?? Cold Blooded. Oh well, I ain’t Dr. Phil.

Inspired_2write's avatar

It happened when I realized that only I was giving and HE was taking in the relationship.

It was a painful waking up that I needed thus that is why the relationship occurred.

Many relationships were not made to last but instead to teach us to have better boundaries and understanding of not only ourselves but of others and that not all are giving or mature for a relationship.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@NoMoreY_Aagain The roommate had brought a dog home without talking to us that week, then my bf wakes up and says ‘why don’t you go make breakfast?”, not even a happy anniversary.
I’m a redhead, with a temper to match, it didn’t work for me so I left. I was tired of the college roommate crap when I was 28 years old. haha!

anniereborn's avatar

After four years it was clear that he was an alcoholic. I had a father who died that way. I loved him, but could not live that way. We are still friends. He was sober for awhile, I am not honestly sure now. I still care for him a great deal.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Many relationships were not made to last but instead to teach us to have better boundaries and understanding of not only ourselves but of others and that not all are giving or mature for a relationship. @Inspired_2write That is so perfectly and beautifully written.
I have learned, and grown so much from my last relationship. I know a hell of a lot more about myself and what I want now, at 19, than I did getting in that relationship at 16. Sometimes, good things happen out of bad situations. You might have to look for those good things though. It took me a few months to realize that I am strong and capable of being my own person.

I couldn’t have said what you said better @Inspired_2write

MrGrimm888's avatar

I’ve hooked with girls when I was drunk, and I was a pretty bad person for awhile. I would tell them what they wanted to hear. Then, once I had them, I’d ghost them…
I feel really bad about it, now…
I’ve definitely been used, and thrown away too… It sucks…

It took me a while, to figure out what I shouldn’t do…

I wish I could go back and do some things differently. But, I had a different view of the way to behave back then…
I have grown, and understand the pain of being the used person.
I clearly have a bad decision making process, in the girls I pursue… I think my biggest problem is that I pursue girls much younger than me. I’m 39, now, but always go after girls in their mid 20’s. I eventually find out, that they are alcoholics, or do coke… And they are definitely not trying to settle down, or be willing to be with just me…

I fall in love too easy. I get used, and cheated on…Some of my ex-girlfriends, have admitted to cheating on me, to get me to leave them. I cut them off, after breaking up. Block their numbers, and don’t hang around where they do.

My ex, dumped me 3 times, in 5 years. She would find ways to call me, and convince me that we should get back together. I would allow her, back into my life, because I still loved her…

I finally cut her off. And I kicked her out of my apartment, several times.
I finally got my shit together, and then she got me again.
The last time, only lasted a few months.
Now. A few years later, she has a child. It could be mine. The child has leukemia. But, she knows that I completely severed ties with her. So. I don’t know what is really going on…

I won’t talk to her. EVER again. And she knows that. She’s the most dangerous person, in the world, to me…

I don’t know precisely, why she left me. Well. I know why I left her…

I don’t know what to do about the situation…

I don’t know if my child, is dying somewhere…

I know that I have been with a few girls, since her. They all turned out to be a train wreck…

It starts with chemistry. Then ends in disaster…

I’m at a loss for words..

I take great care of my women, but, I always seem to come up short…
I rarely get a reason. It’s just done….

I’m sorry, for the rant. I just don’t get it…..

A female’s mind, is a thing I don’t understand….

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Yellowdog's avatar

My two first preteen / early teen crushes, two years apart, when I was eleven and thirteen, both I think rejected me out of peer pressure. I wasn’t cool enough. But said they liked me “for a friend”.

My first love, the one you never forget, when I was in my mid-teens, moved across the state— we didn’t break up but were separated. I still thought we would be reunited and married some day, and rekindled the relationship long-distance for about a year. But one day she started acting like she hated my guts, and quit writing. I don’t think she was interested enough in maintaining a long-distance relationship.

A girl whom I liked early in eleventh grade, we decided to break up the night of a cast party for a school play because we both were interested in relations with others. It was bittersweet for a few moments because we tried so hard to be loyal to each other but each liked someone else.

The final relationship in my teens was a girl whom I went steady with for about three months. We seemed deeply in love but she started liking someone else, unable to stay committed to anyone for more than a couple of months. But she and I did go to most of my senior year school dances and the Prom. It felt kind of cold, as the summer of warmth was long over and things were tense,

There were a lot of others along the way whom I dated but never had a committed relationship with,

There was a long gap between all of those and my current girlfriend. Periodically I would date or email some of those earlier ones but it was mostly just friends from the past. My first true love, the one who moved, well, she never communicated at all. I am currently in a relationship but would like to be more financially solvent before getting married.

MrGrimm888's avatar

@KNOWITALL . I don’t know…
I can’t trust the mother. I can only be a bystander…
I can’t explain to you, the pain she could cause me…
I’m not sure if I could survive, another one of her attacks….

I am done with her. I couldn’t help the child. It’s certainly fucked my head up,even further.
But. I can’t talk with her….
She could lie to me, or worse.

It’s up to destiny, now…..

I CANNOT let her, back into my life. It would kill me…..

kritiper's avatar

Yes. We weren’t meant for each other. And it was too one-sided. I was too good for her and I’m not good enough for anyone.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

20 years ago my gf broke up from me because I insulted her in a dream. Also my friend complained to the university because my ghost attacked her when crossing a bridge.

NoMoreY_Aagain's avatar

@RedDeerGuy with a gf like that, you don’t need enemies.

NoMoreY_Aagain's avatar

Most of my pre marriage breakups were my own fault. In my younger days I was a player and a party dude, and despite having had some wonderful girls in my life, I always screwed things up. But all of that changed when I met my wife. We’ve been married close to 40 years and its been great and still is. Maybe I’m a better person in my old dotage than I was as a young man. But at least I own my mistakes, and I would never blame any old flames.

MrGrimm888's avatar

It took me a while, to understand that females were capable of feelings. Some of them, still make me wonder.

@KNOWITALL . A mutual friend, tried to show me a picture of the child. She knows that I am done with my ex. That’s part of my suspicion it’s mine.
I don’t want to see it. It would just fuck with my head some more. She’s married. So. The child has a father. She may not even know who the real father is. It’s a sad situation, all around.

If it survives it’s illness, maybe it will contact me one day, and I will be open to a DNA test…

It’s possible that I have a few kids running around. I’m well traveled, and I used to sneak out of the girls rooms after they fell asleep… I got busted once, and exchanged numbers, with an older woman. She lived in Virginia. We wrote each other, and talked on the phone occasionally. I hooked up with her, on a Cruise ship. I was only 18, and she was 27… She offered me alcohol, and invited me to her room. If the situation were revered, I the 27 year old, luring an 18 year old girl to my cabin, and getting her drunk, society would certainly frown on that. She was a pretty blond, and I liked liquor, so I spent the night with her, and her sister.
I was staying in a different deck, in a room with my parents. I stumbled in, around 7AM, and unfortunately, my mother woke up. My father was already up, and I had been answering questions about where I was.
I was honest, and told him everything. Then, at one point, I said “don’t tell Mom.” She then rolled over and said she heard everything. I was SO embarrassed. The story made it up to my Granny. She is the matriarch, of the family. Oddly enough, she was not upset. But, I was embarrassed further, by the revelation of my exploits…

There’s another potential baby momma… Woops… Possible love child, from a Cruise ship encounter… SMH… She never told me about a child, but kept in contact with me, for several years. When I turned 22, I got a different pager number, and moved. I didn’t bother to tell her, and therfore we/I broke contact… Haven’t heard from her since…

There could definitely be a few of my vikings, out there… Hell, I could have grandchildren…

It’s a crazy world…

SergeantQueen's avatar

@anniereborn My same response. @RedDeerGuy1 that is kind of insane. Your ghost?

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

@SergeantQueen @anniereborn Yes. Can we take this in PM.

ucme's avatar

I shagged her sister…go figure!

Darth_Algar's avatar

A few break-ups, for various reasons. None of them real serious.

Darth_Algar's avatar

@RedDeerGuy1

Wha’huh? Your ghost?

MrGrimm888's avatar

My best friend’s wife dreamt he cheated, on her, and he caught Hell…

My ex, and I were getting dressed after a “roll in the hay once.” It was dark. I wear silky bandannas, sometimes. So. She found one on the floor feeling around for her clothes, and immediately accused me of cheating, because she thought it was some other girl’s panties.
I turned on the lights, and tried to show her what it was. She wouldn’t even look at it, and stormed out of my house. I followed her for about a mile down the street with it. Eventually, I talked her into coming back to the house. But, she wouldn’t look at the damn bandanna… She treated me like shit, and cried off/on all night…

The next morning, she finally looked at the thing.
Fucking never apologized. And for years, she had lied to me. And she cheated, on me, at least once…

One of my earlier girlfriends, stabbed me with a beer bottle once, when I was trying to break up a fight at a party at her house. A huge fight, started by my best female friend, who sucker punched a guy…

It all started, because my girlfriend fell down, and her sister said that the guy had hit her. The guy took multiple blows, from my friend Laura, when she heard this. Then. His girlfriend, was a big woman, came down the hallway, and punched him so hard, it knocked him into the wall. After that several other girls started punching his barely conscious head. I have to give him credit for never punching back. In the mayhem, several guys started fighting too. Next thing I knew, there were 30 or so people all fighting. Me, and two of my friends were working hard to break it all up. Every time we started to get it under control, a girl would hit someone, and spark the fight up again.
My girlfriend got pretty much knocked out. I found her, and carried her into her kitchen, and laid her down. I told her “stay right here.” As I worked on breaking all the fighting up, I heard glass break in the kitchen. So. I ran back, only to find that my girlfriend had broken a beer bottle, and was headed back into the fray. So, I tried to get the bottle away from her, and she stabbed me in my hand. (Sadly, this would not be the last time I was stabbed, by a beer bottle.)
People were fighting everywhere. In the house. In the yard. In the driveway.
My new Z-28, got fought on, and my antenna got broken off and there were some dents.
When it was all said and done, my girlfriend was taken to the ER, and I was taking people out of there. My friend Laura, who started the whole thing, lit up a cigarette in my car, even though I told her not to.
My girlfriend’s house, was destroyed. My car was banged up, muddy inside, and smelled like smoke. I, and really everyone, had sustained multiple injuries…

An old friend of mine used to say “bitches be crazy.”

No shit…

KNOWITALL's avatar

@MrGrimm Wow, you live a colorful life.

MrGrimm888's avatar

It’s been a wild ride…

Another red head. Another cataclysm…

I just can’t seem to stay away from them. I haven’t had such drama, from non-redheads…

Usually….

Like I said, I am like a fucking stupid moth, to the flame…

I am an atheist. I don’t believe in anything. But, damn. You redheads, are a magnet for trouble…

Or. Maybe I’m the magnet?...

I appear to make poor choices, in life… At least when it comes to females…

I’ve dealt with some crazy stuff, as a LEO. But, the craziest stuff, happened in my private life…

I’m a fuck up. And I don’t have any excuses.

It’s sad . Because I just want a good girl. But… I am attracted to crazy girls, and they are attracted to me… I don’t know what to say. I make terrible decisions. I am an expert, at reading people. But. The right girl, will blind my radar…

My brother, and I, think I’m a part of a sadistic experiment….

I have little argument, against that…

I blame myself…

I see the issues, with these girls. And, I fucking know better. But. There I go….

I have the abilities, for lack of a better term, to deal with whatever happens…

I like a girl, with fire…

I love girls, who would stab someone with a bottle…

I like a girl, who will scratch, and bite me…. I have a problem…

My friend Laura, isn’t redheaded, but she’ll fucking kill for me… She’s crazy… But. She’s my girl. She’ll piss me off, or try to kill someone over me…
I never know what she’s going to do. She’s “ride, or die.” Lol.
That’s why she started that giant fight… She won’t tolerate violence against me, or my girl…

I respect her, in that she’ll put her life on the line, for me.

It’s hard to control her, if she thinks I’ve got a problem.
I’ll always love her…

I….. Don’t know what to say about her… She’s a lunatic. But.
She’s my lunatic….

I attract such people…

I guess, I make friends with such people. My assumption is that I must be the same….

I’m insane. And I guess I gather other insane people, with me…

I don’t have a better idea of what the heck is going on…

KNOWITALL's avatar

@MrGrimm The highs are great but the lows are killers. I get it.
I hope you find a good fiery woman someday, and I hope you’re ready to accept the love when she shows up. :)

Oh I have good stories. You do not mess with my peeps, esp back in my drinking days. 10 ft tall and bulletproof redneck here haha.

MrGrimm888's avatar

Laura, is a living contravercy. She’s a gorgeous princess. But. She’ll tell you what is on her mind, offensive or not, and she’ll punch a man twice her size…

Not very princess like. She makes terrible decisions, with whom she chooses to date. We have that, in common. She has NO fear. She’s a handful. She almost got arrested at Walmart, and McDonald’s. In a half hour span once. She walked into a Walmart once, smoking, which is illegal. I hadn’t even parked the car, and she came running out, and said “they’re calling the cops. It took her less than 3 minutes, to get into an argument with the manager. I had to back out of the parking lot, because the manager came running out after her, and I didn’t want him to see my plates.
I took her to McDonald’s, to get her food, to sober her up. She used racial slurs, while ordering food! I had to get us out of there quick.
This same day, I had to pick up a male friend of mine. He could tell that I was stressed out. I told him about the last 30 minutes, of dealing with Laura. He laughed about it. After only 5 minutes, of picking him up, I returned to the car and the driver’s seat was full of water. Apparently, she managed to dump water, from a cooler, in my seat. A cooler, that was in the fucking trunk! So. I had to sit in a puddle, as we all drove home. This all occurred in about an hour. This was a typical outing, with her. Stopping fights, and running from the police. I’ve known her, for more than 20 years now… Pretty much every time I picked her up, she was a problem. But. She loved me, and I took care of her. Like I said, she is a lunatic. But. She’s like my sister. I always picked up somewhere. And I felt responsible for keeping her out of jail, or worse. It was always an adventure, dealing with her. I could tell countless stories, of dealing with her. But. I love her so much. She’s always got my back. I don’t take this lightly.
So. I’ve always got her back…

Whenever, if ever, I find the right girl, Laura will be there for us…
Lol. I should have abandoned her, years ago. But. She’s my girl.

She has gotten me, out of some situations too… She’s put me through Hell. But. She’s always there for me. I can’t help but just laugh about her.

Women are nuts. And she definitely qualifies. But. Like I said, she’s my personal lunatic…

I think females, are crazy. But. What choice do I have?...

I have to keep chasing them.

Maybe, I will find a crazy chick, who won’t destroy me…

Haven’t found one yet…

If my best female friend, is a nutjob, maybe I’ll adapt…

KNOWITALL's avatar

@MrGrimm Wow, you have way more patience for drama than me! Haha

MrGrimm888's avatar

You can’t change the way the world works. You adapt….

If I wanted to experience the best times, with Laura, I had to accept the bad times…
That’s how relationships work. Tolerance, and compromise.

I have to say, I didn’t go to her wedding. She was marrying a loser. You know that I don’t hold my tongue well. So. I didn’t want to ruin her special day. She’s still mad, that I didn’t attend. But. If I had, I’d have probably said something that would have been bad…
I don’t hang out with her, if her husband is around.
When I was first getting to know him, he confessed that he once killed a friendly cat with a golf club. He said he did it for fun. That’s a small example of what type of person he is…

He can run his stupid mouth too.
One day, I’ll probably punch him, in his mouth… Or, worse…

So… I’m not THAT patient…

But. I know when to keep myself, out of such situations. I know myself. I know Laura. If/when I stomp a puddle, in his ass, Laura will surely attack me… I don’t want anything to do with this scenario…

KNOWITALL's avatar

@MrGrimm Oh he’ll hit her or something ignorant, then you both get him.
Did you tell her about the cat?!

MrGrimm888's avatar

I don’t know about the cat. I think she knows…

He’s done a lot of fucked up things…

He said the cat walked up to him, on a golf course, and started rubbing on him, and he just beat it to death… Again, for his amusement…
His best friend, apparently kills animals, for fun.
If you have lost a pet, one of them may have killed it, for “fun.”

She knows that he is a peirce of shit. But. She can’t be alone. No matter how much the guy sucks.

Yellowdog's avatar

This conversation is what social media is for, I opt to move this to Social,

MrGrimm888's avatar

Yeah. Probably so. My comments, are a bit off the trail. But, I was just talking about relationships with females. I didn’t mean to derail the thread.
I’m sorry @Yellow dog ....

Yellowdog's avatar

I requested moving it to social because it is relevant, I just didn’t want people talking about unrelated topics, like politics,

You’ve certainly helped me a few times dealing with feelings about former relationships, @MrGrimm888

MrGrimm888's avatar

I guess I felt it was relevant…
Apologies, again.

longgone's avatar

[Mod says] Moved to Social on request.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther