General Question

SergeantQueen's avatar

Why do guys just use me for sex (NSFW?)

Asked by SergeantQueen (10446points) 1 month ago

I make it so clear that I want a relationship and that I don’t want to be used for sex. Never got any sort of disagreement or anything so I figured they were looking for the same thing. Turns out they aren’t and they just took advantage of me and used me for sex. Now I get ghosted and I feel like shit for allowing myself to be used. I just want to feel safe and happy. I don’t even know why he ghosted me like I was nice to him and all that. But I guess it doesn’t matter, I’ve never been on a date with a guy or anything, despite “dating” a guy for 2 years.. I always just get used for sex.

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65 Answers

janbb's avatar

It sounds like you’re in pain and I’m really sorry SQ. The old answer would have been not to have sex with a guy until you are sure of what you both want. I think that may still hold. I think the more feminist way to say it is – if you are going to have sex soon after knowing a guy and that is what you want, go for it. If you are looking for more of a relationship, maybe get to know him more before sleeping with him. It’s not about the old adage of “he won’t respect me i I sleep with him” but more about being clear what you both are looking for.

Surprisingly, my Mom gave me two rules she had made for herself when she was young that really hold up well. She said she decided she wouldn’t do anything with a guy unless she knew he liked her for herself and she would never do anything she was uncomfortable with. She was a very liberated woman for her time and I think those two rules are worth keeping in mind.

And seriously, you mention you on the other Q were with a 47 year old guy? That couldn’t lead to anything good and I don’t mean to say this in any snarky way. Maybe there are some red flags that are waving that you don’t see.

There is a lot to be said for going on some dates before jumping into bed. a date can be anything like a walk in a park or a picnic; it doesn’t have to be elaborate.

It’s not easy to figure out what one wants and I am not a prude. You hve the right to look for what you want.You have my sympathy.

I hope this helps a bit.

Blackberry's avatar

I’m really sorry. We all know hurt similar to this.
Do not let guys talk you into it. It’s a fact of life that a person who respects you will wait.
I know it hurts to hear, but some people are like sociopathic spys. They have mastered the art of lying just to get things from people.
It’s frightening how calm and collective someone can be while lying.
If you ask someone to wait, and they get mad or pushy, there’s your red flag and you need to get away from that person.
Don’t let a guy get you alone either: meet them in public, and leave from the public place after the date even. No walking you to your car if you feel comfortable as well.

SergeantQueen's avatar

Thank you guys. Yeah, these men are older than me. 45–55. It makes me feel disgusting but with them I feel safe. And then after I get really sad and depressed. I do actually feel good and safe with them though. I just wish I could feel loved too.

I do meet them online. It has been over a month since I have, and I am trying not too because I don’t want to feel worse than I do now.

SergeantQueen's avatar

But establishing boundaries is a good idea. I think I just get scared of saying no because I don’t want them mad at me. But you are right then, if they get mad then they aren’t right for me.

janbb's avatar

@SergeantQueen I think you just identified part of your problem. Older guys that you meet online are not looking for a relationship with a 20? 21? year old. They are looking for sex. Nothing wrong with online dating but find the guys who are really looking for a dating relationship. It sounds like you are in a self-destructive pattern of some kind and need to explore the dynamic of why. You need to understand that you are not particularly safe with an older guy. If you can, I would suggest you take a good break from looking and either get counseling (I know you said you have trouble finding this), a support group or just some introspection.

My self-sabotage patterns were different from yours but I am now on a break from looking to date and more self-aware than I was.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I suspect you’re too young to draw such a conclusion. To begin with, the guys in your age group are obsessed with sex. It’s simply a matter of wiring. But you needn’t be bitter about it, let alone feel picked on. You just need to find those guys looking to “use” you for the same purposes as you would put up with them— guys who share your interest in flying for example. You want to find someone truly interested in you It’s a rough playing field for women and I don’t envy them one bit. But I can promise you that if you can develop a true interest in people, loneliness is an unlikely result.

Caravanfan's avatar

How old are you?

SergeantQueen's avatar

I’m currently 19. I’ll be 20 soon.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Try to find friends and let it evolve naturally, clubs or sports, church, book clubs, etc… You can’t find Mr Right if you’re too busy with all these Mr Wrongs. Good luck!

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I don’t think your college is back in session yet. Regardless, please call their counseling center. When you call, it’s important you tell them about what you revealed to us in another question you asked recently.

Caravanfan's avatar

Okay. Then as a 56 year old man I absolutely guarantee 100 percent of the time without any exceptions whatsoever that anybody my age interested in anybody your age is a creep and should he avoided at all costs.

Find someone your own age.

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Blackberry's avatar

@SergeantQueen
Geezus dude, you can not go on like this.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Do not ruin it for some other person’s pleasure.

This is your life, you’re supposed to be on a path to do what you want. If you wanna be an architect or travel or have a family with a loving guy….you can do that, but not by doing what you’re doing now.

I promise you love is really out there, but you will never get it on that path with these older guys.

jca2's avatar

@SergeantQueen: You write “I make it so clear that I want a relationship and that I don’t want to be used for sex. Never got any sort of disagreement or anything so I figured they were looking for the same thing.”

I think you shouldn’t even be talking about sex with someone you meet online if you are looking for a serious relationship. At least not at first. If the conversation gets led down that path – the path of “what do you like” or “what do you like to do” then you should steer it away. Keep it “clean.” Then if the guy is looking for something sexual and you are not willing to discuss it, he will move on. If you have a few dates and then want to have a more intimate conversation, then that’s fine, because you know you’ve already spent some time together and decided if you like the person and he likes you. He’s invested time in you and vice versa.

I’m sorry that you are meeting inappropriate people and it’s hurtful for you. There’s a pattern that seems you are following. Maybe seek counseling and you can learn why you are repeating this pattern and what need you are trying to fulfill by your actions.

stanleybmanly's avatar

@SergeantQueen Has anyone told you that they like you for sex alone? These men don’t enjoy YOU and vice versa?

SergeantQueen's avatar

@stanleybmanly Never had anyone be that forward so no

stanleybmanly's avatar

OK So clearly, you’ve had enough experience to appreciate that you aren’t repulsive. Unless you have no interest in sex itself, your complaint would appear to be that the men you choose lack your depth. Have you considered this as a possibility?

SergeantQueen's avatar

I’m really not sure. I do talk to these guys a lot before we meet up, and we meet somewhere public and talk first. So I feel they are good people aside from the fact that they just use me for sex. Which is all I guess I’m good for so I don’t know anymore. Really. I’m confused.

SergeantQueen's avatar

I shouldn’t be having sex I just feel nice in the moment.

SergeantQueen's avatar

I probably should never have posted this question.
I don’t know why I do things that make me feel bad after. I just enjoy how I feel in the moment and I want that feeling of safety.

I am just lost and I’m calling the victim advocate assigned to my case tomorrow to see if I could get help. I am feeling particularly bad today and it feels like I’m suffocating I know that much.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’m so glad you have someone to call.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Snap out of it. Do you understand that you are complaining because men find you desirable? It is of course your choice whether to sleep with them or not, but you mustn’t convince yourself that such desire is somehow an indication of some imaginary deficiency in YOU. It’s jaw dropping that you should assess your self worth on such a silly premise at age 19. You’re smarter than that.

SergeantQueen's avatar

I mean, I just wonder why I’m not good enough to have somebody actually treat me with respect and love.

But yeah. I should be happy they want me I guess. It makes me feel good so I might as well keep doing it

janbb's avatar

I have to say I think @stanleybmanly is getting you entirely on the wrong track. The behavior of sleeping with predatory older men is not making you feel good or desirable in the long term. It is making you feel messed up. You should take a break from it and figure yourself out. You have so much going for you with your intelligence and insight that you do not need bad connections that only hurt you in the end. Please take care of yourself. Someone will eventually treat you with love and respect but you have to learn to do that for yourself first.

canidmajor's avatar

@SergeantQueen, pay attention to @janbb‘s advice, it’s spot on.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@stanley I remember being so lonely at her age for a relationship. Women mature faster so its only natural she’s gravitating towards older men. Maybe some daddy issues there to work out, but at least she’s self aware enough to realize its not working and ask for advice.

janbb's avatar

^^ I don’t want to get sidetracked but that big an age gap does not seem natural to me. But I agree with the rest of what you are saying.

gorillapaws's avatar

@SergeantQueen “I just wonder why I’m not good enough to have somebody actually treat me with respect and love.”

That’s a terrible way of interpreting the situation. I think the more accurate analysis would be: “I’m choosing the wrong men and need to get better at looking for red flags.” I’m sure there are plenty of incredible guys that would treat you with respect and love, but you haven’t noticed them or given them a chance. You’re picking guys who will tell you what you want to hear because they like sleeping around. The only thing wrong with you is you need to re-calibrate your “scumbag radar” because it’s letting you down.

gorillapaws's avatar

Just to add to what others have said about age, you’re going to find 100% of dirtbags who are in their 40’s-50’s that are looking for 19-year-old women online.

The MAXIMUM age that you should be dating would be twice your age minus seven, so 31 at 19 and 33 when you’re 20. That’s the absolute, hard-limit. More realistically you should be looking for guys who are 19, maybe in their early 20’s. The guys in their 40’s and 50’s looking to date teenagers are probably also looking at kiddie porn and/or molesting kids.

jca2's avatar

These guys may also be unavailable (i.e. married) but not admitting it to you, @SergeantQueen.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I keep reading through this thread. And at no point did I understand this to be a case of older men preying on a fragile kid. In fact, I read the sarge’s description as encounters with men less mature than herself. But either case is irrelevant to the alarming fact that she allows their behavior to serve as a gauge of her self worth. To me, THIS is the REAL agony here, and the only one of any import. I’m also missing any implications that these are somehow online relationships that develop to sexual liaisons. When did the sarge ever mention this stuff?

janbb's avatar

^^ If you read her answers to this question and her previous question about a man and her other questions about her depression issues, it is very clear that a) she is meeting men online b) they are much older and c) that she is not going on dates with them before having sex. She is 19 going on 20 and they are 45–55. That should set off alarm bells right there along with all her other details.

I think you’re missing the boat here Stan.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I’ve apparently missed the fact that a boat exists!

chyna's avatar

Lots of people are jerks and use each other for sex, money, fame, attention and so much more.
So you know that’s what is going on with this guy, so step away from these situations. Decide what you want in a a mate, not a sexual partner. Going out with someone nearer your own age will help with compatibility.
It doesn’t hurt to make a list and look for qualities in a guy that you would want to spend time with. Intelligent, sense of humor, etc.
You don’t have to stick to the list, but know what would be a deal breaker for you and stay away from those qualities.
Good luck.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

When I was on the dating scene I had to be with a guy for 6 months before we had sex. That way I was sure he liked ME. If they complained, bye bye.

stanleybmanly's avatar

I’m really taken aback and actually befuddled. I just cannot conceive of hopping into bed with someone I’ve only known online. In fact the concept seems so bizarre that I cannot envision a more likely road to assured catastrophe. As old as I am, it still shocks me when smart people are wantonly self destructive.

jca2's avatar

@stanleybmanly: Add to that the age difference, which is a big problem.

stanleybmanly's avatar

It’s a frightening pathology. I’m afraid for the sarge.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

It’s a sad lesson all women have to learn. Now you know Sarge.

Darth_Algar's avatar

The problem is that you’re dating guys who are twice your age or older. Frankly, no guy that age is going to be interested in a relationship with someone your age.

I know I wouldn’t. I’m 43 and, honestly, if I were looking for a real relationship the youngest I’d go is someone in their early 30’s, at the youngest. If I were just looking for a bit of fun I’d go for someone closer to your age.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Trust me. Guys her age can be just as bad.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

She just needs to be aware that sex is their number one thing and many guys will do and say anything to get it. She needs to protect herself by not having sex with guys she just met.

Darth_Algar's avatar

She also needs to understand that guys that old aren’t going to be interested in a relationship. Someone her age actually might.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Guys her age might want a telationship. Or they just might be after sex too. That’s why I suggest holding them off for 6 months. Then she’ll know.

SergeantQueen's avatar

So I guess I did some thinking here, and I also posted in a forum for people who have been through what I have, so I got some outside thoughts that I think are really true…

I meet up with the guys at least once before ever doing anything sexual. So I don’t just jump into bed but it’s a very short and casual meetup, and in my mind it’s not a “date” but I could be wrong on that.

I honestly think I don’t want sex. I don’t want to have sex with these men. And I think my issue is the fact that when I was with my ex, that’s all he wanted. I would get called names and told I didn’t love him if I didn’t want to have sex. He was really abusive when it came to that stuff. And there are other things he did too. that I won’t get into.

But what I know is, is that the first time i was going to meet up with a guy, I kept kinda changing my mind because I wasn’t sure about it. The last time I was with my ex, he sexually assaulted me so it made me nervous to do that again. But I posted in a forum online and they said that the only way to get over that is to just do it, so i did. I don’t think I understood the advice correctly.. Because surely doing that with a stranger (who I had a 30 min in person convo with before) was not what they were getting at

I think I associate that feeling of men wanting me like that with the feeling of safety, because I do truly feel safe and “like myself” when I am with them. Which is how I was with my ex too. And I never was with him any other way such as out to dinner or anything, without having done anything sexual.

I also think there are a lot of negative feeling associated with sex, as I really never got a say in it with my ex. I just always had to do it. So it feels almost like i have to do things with these guys, even when they don’t say that. They never have forced me or anything, I chose to do that on my own free will. It’s just a subconscious thought I think, that I’m obligated to.

I think I am confused and I don’t know what I’m really doing. It’s obviously not working for me

Dutchess_lll's avatar

Well step away from the meet ups.

jca2's avatar

@SergeantQueen: If you don’t want to have sex, don’t put yourself in a place where sex is the obvious goal.

janbb's avatar

Sharing something – I was sexually abused as a child. Not going into any details but I will say if you were in an abusive relationship, either as a child or now with your Ex boyfriend, you have a lot of issues to unpack around sex and relationships in general. And you need to maybe explore what that feeling of safety is about and where it comes from because it doesn’t seem to be really helping you.

si3tech's avatar

Because they can.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

@SergeantQueen You are obviously very intelligent. I thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m glad you got information from others. Please listen to the women in here. I’m glad they’re here to give good suggestions.

I would like to add, if I may, that it’s an excellent idea to take a break from meeting men. Your college will start soon, and you’ll be busy with that. I hope you will enjoy your classes. Please call the college counseling center and tell them about your recent hospitalization when you do.

I wish you all the best.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

I have to add “Because you let them.”

KNOWITALL's avatar

Did you grow up with your father?
If not you are one of many with legit pysch issues causing you to seek male approval at all costs. Its very well documented in broken homes.
I was the same and after I read it in a psych book it changed my life 100%.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

^^^^ I tried to forewarn my daughters about that when their dad absconded…with limited sucess.

SergeantQueen's avatar

No, I have a dad.

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Pandora's avatar

First of all, know this. Most older guys are looking for sex or someone to control and that is why they may prefer younger women and not woman their age. They know a woman their age may be a bit more demanding and more suspicious of their motives. And the younger and more naive a person is the easier it is to use them and move on. Just like conmen like to target old people, they also like to target the young.

Go for a guy your age so you can both grow into the relationship. Yes, young guys want sex too but most of the time they are still at the age where they haven’t become bitter about relationships. The older you get the more bitter a person can become about relationships.

Next no guy just wanting sex is going to give up trying to get sex because you say you want a relationship. So don’t expect them to be honest and just walk away.
Another thing, a grown man is hard to change. He is happy to be who he is and will try to change you to fit him. If he can’t, he will move on.
But if you really want a relationship and to know if that is what a guy wants. Don’t have sex with them for months. A guy who is looking for more will wait for you to say you are ready. A guy who only wants sex will walk away the moment you say you want a relationship first and sex won’t be in the picture for months.

gorillapaws's avatar

When you’re a 19 year-old woman, trying to find Mr. Right in his 40’s and 50’s online would be like going to an underground dogfight, or a heroin den, or a support group for deadbeat dads and trying to find Mr. Right. EVERYONE present will be a scumbag.

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give_seek's avatar

The most important thing you can do is realize this has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with the men. It has everything to do with why you continue to allow this to happen.

If this is something that you experience on a recurring basis, you are telegraphing to men that you are vulnerable and an easy lay. Something in your demeanor, dress/appearance, speech, attitude, lack of self-respect, or crack in your self-esteem is a billboard for “You can have sex with me . . . right now if you want.”

You need to figure out what signals you’re giving off and WHY. If this is a recurring problem, your next step is counseling.

I’m a life coach. If you were my client, the first question I would ask you is: Why do you think this is happening to you? (Take your best guess) / Surprisingly, the majority of people actually know the answer to this question if they think about it for just a little bit of time.

I wish you the best of emotional healing. This is tough but not insurmountable.

jca2's avatar

@SergeantQueen: Don’t go to their house, don’t have them to your house, don’t go to a hotel with them, if you don’t want to have sex with them. It takes two, so if they propose that, say no. Suggest something else, like lunch or a hike or a trip to the beach, and see how they take it.

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