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EnzoX24's avatar

How can you be sure someone has your best intentions at heart?

Asked by EnzoX24 (1986points) September 8th, 2008

I apologize right off the bat for the long read and I hope you can make it through it.

All of my life I have been told I can make all of my decisions the way I want. No one can force me to do what they want. I was told this by family, friends, teachers, everyone. But lately things have been really messed up for me.

About a year and a half ago I started going out with my first girlfriend. First off, I’d like to say we are still together. About 5 months into our relationship I got into a conversation with my mom about my relationship. She claimed she did want to see me enter college in a relationship, and that I would have a much better time if I could meet other women. Astonished, I told her I had no plans to break up with my girlfriend and if no reasons came up in the future I didn’t see why I would have to. I thought tht would be the last time something like that came up.

Another half a year goes by. Senior year begins and I’m still with her. Once again I find myself squeezed into a conversation wit my mother. This time she comes straight out and claims my girlfriend is using me. I still haven’t forgotten the last time she confronted me about her, so I get pretty pissed off. Not once has she ever shown signs of using me. In fact, I’ve actually talked to her because I have felt like she does too much for me, but I rarely show her the same amount of dedication. Its not that I’m a bad boyfriend, its just that even at the slightest hint my throat is getting dry she will jump up and get me a drink. How can I compete with that?

The big issue started almost directly after that. I wanted to go to college A, while she wants me to go to college B. College B is a little more well known than college A, but even before I started filling out applications I decided I wanted to be far enough away where I felt more on my own, but close enough to home where I could come back in case of an emergency. College A was perfect for that. College B was 45 minutes from home. After I had decided where I wanted to go, my girlfriend started looking for colleges in that area. She managed to find the best school in the state for what she wanted to do, and it was only a mile away from my school. Back on the home front the fighting between my mother and I intensify. My dad agrees that college B is the slightly better choice, but at the same time has faith in my decisions.

The fighting was getting so bad the appeal of college A being six hours away was making it all the better choice, just to get away from my mom. Finally after months of fighting and screaming, the truth finally comes out. Amongst doors slamming, profane screaming, and dogs inquisitively barking I hear, “Fine! Throw your life away for her! I hope she’s worth it!” At this point I finally lost it. This whole time I thought we were at this tooth and nail because she wanted me to get the best education I could receive, but this whole time she was just worried about keeping me from my girlfriend who has done nothing but treat me with respect!

To sum it all up, I made it to college A, I see my girlfriend every weekend and I’m profoundly happy. Needless to say I don’t keep in that great of contact with my mom that much, though. But after all of this, did she have my best intentions at heart? I of course believe she only acted out of inexplicable hatred for my girlfriend, but a part of me wants to believe she was trying to guide me down the right path. Maybe I’m just looking too hard into this….

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7 Answers

Meatwad's avatar

You can’t!

You are!

qualitycontrol's avatar

I don’t know your mom or your situation all that well but with you going away to school and having a girlfriend it sounds like she is going through some separation anxiety. This happened to me when I got my license (I could leave the house whenever I wanted and go anywhere), when I started college, and when I moved out. If your mom is anything like mine, she probably had trouble expressing this to you so it came out in other ways like fighting with you for no reason and/or making outlandish accusations such as “your girlfriend is using you” or “she doesn’t really care about you” and “she’s going to ruin your life because you won’t be able to concentrate on you school work”. Now, you know from being with her that these things aren’t true. Your mom just wanted to persuade you to stay her baby forever. I guess this is a natural part of growing up that most families go through. She has been there your whole life to take care of you and now there is another person, another female there to take her place to give you the care and loving you need. It doesn’t sound like she hates your girlfriend. She may have just hated the fact that you were leaving her. I don’t have much contact with my mother either because I work, and go to school and have a girlfriend. I’m sure you’d rather be with your girl than hangin out with your mom…so would I. I still try to make time for my mom like on Holidays or even just give her a call once in a while to see whatsup. It sucks to have to go through all the emotional stuff but if the bird doesn’t fall out of the tree it won’t learn to fly on it’s own…Just my take on it. -QC

trudacia's avatar

Perhaps she did something in the past “for love” that she now regrets. She may think you’re in the same situation and she’s trying to protect you.

You seem to have your shit together, so hopefully in time you can prove her wrong.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

If she’s anything like my mom, she thinks she has your best interests at heart, but in reality, she may or may not. Try not to hold it against her. She may not be perfect, but she’s the only mom you’re gonna get.

FlutherMother's avatar

It sounds like you made a good decision. Of course, if you had decided to attend a community college instead of Harvard JUST to be near your girlfriend, I would say your mom has reason to worry. But I agree with qualitycontrol, it sounds like she has an issue with you leaving and just can’t get it out in the open or doesn’t recognize the real reason she is upset so she blames the girlfriend. Don’t change your plans, and don’t get rid of your girlfriend (unless that is the natural course of things), but definitely do shore up your courage and give your mom a call and keep involved with your parents. Try not to argue and try to give her upbeat information and, for goodness sake, be cheerful. And yes, you may have to deal with theatrics at first, but if you keep her involved in a good degree (not every detail, mind you, and not every day but enough to make sure she is not feeling neglected), she will eventually calm down and realize you are not abandoning her and she will start treating you like the common sense adult you are becoming. Good luck. Enjoy your college days – they go by way too fast!

GAMBIT's avatar

Someone that has your best interest at heart will bring out the best in you and will not make you do anything that is considered immoral. They will be there for you when you need someone to talk to and will give you sound advice. Someone that has your best interest at heart will not think about what they can gain from you. They will want you to succeed and will be happy to help you reach your goals. Walter Winchell an American newspaper and radio announcer said “A friend is one who walks in when others walk out”

Judi's avatar

I hope you and your mom can work this out. If you decide to get married know that for your girlfriend, going into a marriage where his mother doesn’t like you is right up their with money as one of the main stresses that lead to divorce. It makes life really difficult. After my first husband died I determined that I would never marry a man whose mother didn’t adore me. I don’t know who it was harder on, him or me.

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