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lilibet's avatar

[NSFW] If it's not BDSM, what else could it be?

Asked by lilibet (33points) 1 month ago

I know BDSM is a collective name for sexual practices. I also know that there are BDSM relationships where partners don’t have sex. But is BDSM if I feel glad to playing with power, while I still not experience neither sexual enjoy or sexual arousal or sexually or erotic reaction or sexually aroused nor sexual pleasure? It’s more like when you’re having a good time, like going out to your favorite playground as a kid and there’s nothing erotic about it. What is this? Do you think I can find a partner to fulfill these my sexually neutral desires? Is there a problem with me?: that these don’t make me sexually aroused, or something as I wrote.

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17 Answers

JLoon's avatar

It could be lots of things.

Broadly speaking BDSM is just one of a group of fetishes – Or paraphilias to use a more clinical term. Most of them are linked to sexuality in some way, but not all of them involve acts that most people associate with “conventional” sex (penetration, copulation, climax, ejaculation, etc.) In fact a few people report feelings & experiences sort of like what you’re talking about : A ritual obsession with no erotic satisfaction. But it’s not that common, and to me absence of real sexual pleasure in any physically intimate relationship kills the motivation.

Not judging you or anyone else for whatever you feel or don’t. I’m just explaining the limits of my own preferences and understanding. And as far as advice, not sure I’ve got any. But based on what you’ve explained it seems like you’ve disconnected your attraction to BDSM from anything that can deliver the passion, arousal, and satisfaction of sex. So even if you find a partner for these asexual encounters, you might have to keep looking for something or someone else to fill your other needs.

gorillapaws's avatar

Asexual power fantasies? If you enjoy them and nobody gets hurt (well… to the degree consented to by the adult participants I guess), then you do you. Absent any erotic satisfaction, I’m not sure I’d really call it BDSM, but I’m no expert on the definitional boundaries of the term. Are you otherwise asexual? Or is it just in respect to the power fantasies that you’re asexual?

lilibet's avatar

I haven’t got sexual fantasies. As for me, my body is able to respond to sexual stimuli like playing with erogenous zones and even I can have orgasm, but that’s it.

smudges's avatar

BDSM is more accurately about power and control – one person has it, the other person submits to it. It can be sexual or not. It can be as exciting or mundane as those involved wish it to be. I had a friend who lived the BDSM life and was describing some of the more exciting aspects to a friend of hers. Her friend said, “Wow, that sounds exciting. Can I come over and watch you guys sometime?” My friend said, “Oh, you want to watch me do laundry?”

In other words, it’s not 24/7 excitement for people who live the life. There’s a ton of downtime where you’re living just like non-BDSM couples: going to work, making dinner, paying bills, and yes, doing laundry, but there’s always one person in control and one who gives up their control.

Another way to be involved in the lifestyle is to experience it only on weekends or a couple of times a week or month. Not everyone involved in BDSM lives the lifestyle. Some just dip their toes in it, so to speak.

Again, at it’s most basic level, BDSM is an agreement between two people that one will have power over the other. For those who are seriously into it, there are rules, etiquette, and contracts, as well as consequences.

Two excellent books are: “SM 101” by Jay Wiseman, and “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns” by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon. A good, realistic website is: https://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/ultimate-guide-to-bdsm

lilibet's avatar

Thank you these useful sources.

smudges's avatar

You’re quite welcome. :) Just remember, safety above all else.

lilibet's avatar

And security too.

flutherother's avatar

I don’t think you have a problem; everyone is different and there are no standards you are expected to conform to. You are who you are and I’m sure you can find a partner if that’s what you want. On the other hand if you used to experience sex differently there may be reasons for the change that you might want to explore.

lilibet's avatar

Thank you.

How? :)

The sex always same as I described. Thanks.

flutherother's avatar

I don’t see a problem in that case. All I can say is good luck and take care.

lilibet's avatar

Thank you.

Since these aren’t sexual in nature, I don’t know how you can communicate my desires to someone I would like to experience this with, for example, if there were such a person. I wanted to refer too to this in my previous answer.

I just don’t understand your optimism on this issue. :)

JLoon's avatar

@lilibet – This is starting to look like a language problem.

We may be misunderstanding what you’re asking – Do you just want to experiment more with BDSM, or are you trying to find something else that gives you real sexual arousal & pleasure?

lilibet's avatar

it is not related with each others the BDSM and my sexual things.—Just someone asked

smudges's avatar

Correct me if I’m wrong, but as I understand it, you enjoy the power exchange in BDSM, you just have no interest in any sexual aspect of it. And yes, there are other people like that. The hard part is finding them. I think the books I mentioned may give you some tips about how to look for someone who has similar interests. I’m sorry if I’m wrong and don’t understand what you’re asking.

lilibet's avatar

Yes, it was my question. Thank you.

flutherother's avatar

@lilibet There are lots of websites and forums out there for all sorts of purposes as you know. I thought this one might be of interest to you. Anyway, I hope it helps.

lilibet's avatar

Thank you. It’ll be and it is usefull too.

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