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ryan9011's avatar

My ex girlfriend's mom died, what should I do?

Asked by ryan9011 (22points) August 17th, 2021

I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago now and I feel I’m still going through the bad post-breakup period. The problem is that about a week after our break up her mom died.

We are still friends more or less and I’m trying very hard to not get emotionally involved when I support her and give her affection but sometimes I feel I could explode. She’s starting to hang out with her friends but in particular with this one guy (he lost his father years ago). I don’t really like this guy since I know the type of guy he is. I saw they are getting really close and honestly I feel replaced and I know there’s also some jealousy playing on my side.

So it happened that sometimes I talked about it with her and she told me I don’t need to worry since he’s just a friend…
Ok now the problem is that she told me many things when we broke up (I’m very special and she couldn’t find a better one, That guy is just a friend, She appreciate my help even though she doesn’t show it as much as she does with that guy, etc…) if something happens with this guy (I know I’m projecting something that still doesn’t exist) i feel obliged to cut definitely our relationship since I would feel disrespected and that all the things she said were lies.

I know this story could sound selfish but please bear in mind that I’m still going through the post break up period and I know myself I don’t have a clear mind. Anything will be highly appreciated and thanks in advance for the time you took to read the story.

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12 Answers

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Pandora's avatar

Her feeling for you can be genuine but at the same time, she probably feels she would be leading you on if she seems too appreciative. In the meantime, it’s probably just best if you cool things off with her for now. A condolence card for her is all that may be necessary since she is someone you care for but it’s best if you just work to moving on. You can be the best guy she’s ever known but at the same time just not share romantic feelings for you any longer. The heart and the brain don’t always agree. She may know you to be kind and considerate and loving and think of you as a great guy but that is her head saying one thing but try as she may, maybe her heart doesn’t agree. When I was young I would have nice guys that were into me that I just couldn’t feel the same way about them. Often it was just chemistry. I didn’t date them but some times people think they can make a relationship work even if the chemistry is missing but they realize later that most of us don’t work like that.

I would also add that when my father passed away, I did not want to be close to anyone. I did feel I had more in common with people who were missing a parent for a while and I felt no one who still had both their parents could possibly understand what I was going through. It’s probably why she’s close to the other guy right now.

Friends say they understand but they either treat you like a wounded animal or they act awkward around you or act like they want you to be happy like you were before the death, and recovering from a death of a parent takes time. It could last for months. You can even find yourself envious of other people who still have their folks and pissed off at those who seem to take their parents for granted.

zenvelo's avatar

Regardless of your current status with your ex, this is not the time to be anything but supportive for her. Your only action at this time is to “be there” for her.

That means, you don’t bring up any “friends” she might be seeing, you don’t talk about how your relationship with her was, you don’t bring up how you are feeling. You ask how she is doing, and you (sincerely) offer to help.

janbb's avatar

If you can’t control your feelings of jealousy or judgment about who she is hanging out with, best for you to step away. Deal with your own stuff; it doesn’t sound like your the best support for her now. Post-breakup is a hard time for anyone and it’s best to keep it clean.

janbb's avatar

Edit: “you’re”

kritiper's avatar

Best to mind your own business since the two of you are no more. If you ever see her again and have a chance to talk, express your condolences.

raum's avatar

If you can be supportive of her without making it about your relationship with her, great. Be that friend that she needs.

If you can’t do that. And I totally understand why that would be hard, I would step back. Could potentially be damaging for either or both parties.

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ryan9011's avatar

Thank you guys for the answers I appreciate you all, I’ll do my best to focus on myself and take a distance from her.

BobM's avatar

If you were friends with her family it would be appropriate to send a condolence card and flowers for the wake.
If you’re unsure about the ex’s reaction I would not go to the funeral.

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