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SergeantQueen's avatar

How do you deal with heartbreak?

Asked by SergeantQueen (11667points) 4 weeks ago

Man I am hurting. Every part of my body hurts and aches because I just miss him so much. This all just took me by surprise and I am struggling through it. Any advice please?

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20 Answers

SergeantQueen's avatar

I have 13 pages written in my journal. I hope I can read it to him.

I talked with his friend for 2.5hrs trying to see if I can fix this and we are working on it…

JLeslie's avatar

I don’t know how the break-up happened, but it sounded to me from other Q’s that he wasn’t treating you very well.

It’s dreadful going through it. Just know you will feel better eventually.

Going to therapy helped me. My worst break-up I needed medication to calm my nerves and to be able to eat. Hopefully, it’s not that bad for you.

You’re in the bargaining stage hoping you can put it back together if you just do or say the right thing. Maybe you’ll move onto anger and start remembering more that he made you unhappy a lot of the time. Do you really want to be back with him? Or, do you really just want to get out of the pain and distress you are feeling? I know what it’s like to want the discomfort to stop.

Focus on yourself. Do things you enjoy if you can. Let your friends help you.

SergeantQueen's avatar

No I do want him back. It isn’t bargaining as much as being lost at his sudden choice. I know I can get thru this if we don’t get back. Its that I love and care for him dearly and truly want him in my life.

jca2's avatar

@SergeantQueen: Is this the person who you went to court about and he is now convicted of sexual crimes against a minor?

SergeantQueen's avatar

Absolutely not!

filmfann's avatar

I rarely dated for a month or two after a break-up. I just didn’t feel I was in the right head space.

Pandora's avatar

The way to get through it, is to love yourself more and see yourself as complete without him. He isn’t dead. What I mean, is I love my husband to pieces but if he ever mistreated me to the point where it was unhealthy for me to be with him, he would definitely kill my love for him. I would however miss the man I first fell in love with and have known for years. Only once before him did I love someone else and I broke up with him because he was cheating. It hurt for a while and I eventually forgave him but never enough to go back. I forgave him and wished him well but I understood he could never love me the way I deserved to be loved and I didn’t deserve to be second to anyone. I have a great deal of love in me and it deserves to go to someone who is worthy and I shouldn’t have to shelve my self-love and put someone above myself.
So love yourself more. I don’t mean selfishly. I mean love yourself with kindness and through actions that keep you out of harm’s way. There is only one you. In the whole world, you should always consider that your own heart comes first and no one has the right to hurt it.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

Their is a saying that hasn’t helped me.

When being one’s self to a true friend nothing you can do to lose him.

Also the opposite side exists. Their is nothing you can do to keep one’s friends in a honest relationship.

Nothing helped me while I lost my best friend and my girlfriend in university. All the advice that I was given did not help.

Time rarely heals all wounds.
The only way out is through seems to help a bit.

Sorry that you are in pain. I’ve been reliving my loss over and over and after 20 years I am feeling slightly better. I’ve gone slightly insane and went on disability for 15 years.

We are human. Being human is a chronic and fatal condition.

RedDeerGuy1's avatar

I’m not sure If I wrote the above answer correct.

Basically one can’t and shouldn’t try to control life and relationships. It leads to unnatural perversions of life and relationships. Then of course one is free to try. Until one burns themselves enough times to stop touching the fire.

Forever_Free's avatar

Grieving like this truly is hard. It is a process that you unfortunately have to go through.
When the feelings hit, process them but temper how long you process each feeling hit.

Do a lot of journaling, reading, but be kind to yourself. Find activities and friends to surround yourself with. Don’t jump into a new relationship too soon.

Prayers to you as you work through this. Know that this will hurt, but you WILL get through it and be a stronger person on the other end.

kritiper's avatar

Give yourself at least six months to get it out of your system.

mazingerz88's avatar

In the mid-90s when this happened to me it took two years before I recovered.

In my particular situation it helped that I realized she didn’t really love me, hence the reason why she dumped me rather quickly for another guy.

Also, my Dad shed tears upon seeing my poor physical condition at the time. It was at that moment when I decided enough is enough. I’m suffering for absolutely nothing.

It wasn’t like she got taken away against her will and I needed to rescue to claim her back. I vowed never to chase after someone who freely walked out on me.

Lastly, during those very difficult months before I recovered, I focused on doing a few random acts of helping other people with their problems. It helped ease my own pains.

JLeslie's avatar

@SergeantQueen I just wanted to acknowledge that I had made an incorrect assumption that I thought you wanted to be back with him. I saw your reply to me, but just now I’m getting a chance to let you know.

It sounds like you are already doing a lot of the right things like writing down your feelings and thoughts. You can always choose not to send what you wrote. Sometimes just writing is cathartic enough and communicating with him might stir up difficult feelings. You’ll know what’s best by how you feel.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Pain gets you to take a different direction.
Use it to propel yourself out of the situation and get where you want to be in your life.
That same pain that burdens you now could be turned to you advantage in that it may be the motivation you need to change your life.
Choose to give yourself a chance.
—-
in 2015/16 I broke it off with a philanderer ( found out later) and was devastated that a 2.5 year relationship was a sham that he did on many women around the world ( couch surfer who used women and lived off of them while projecting a loving demeanour /habits etc).
I took a long time which was three years by myself to self analyze what happened and why it did?
It was a pattern of behaviour and I was naive and too trusting.
However I poured my time into projects and was determined to finish writing our Family History book ( published ) and continue to have more goals to finish every year.
As a result I am a stronger woman that lives independently and DOES NOT have to have a man in my life to feel secure in myself.
I now have BETTER BOUNDARIES in allowing men into my life unless they become trustworthy friends first.
All those that pressure me into SEX get dumped in the ’useless” pile.
Leave those for the other women who thrive on that as their only measure of worth.
Women can become much more resilient if they learn to survive on their own and have legitimate boundaries when involved with men, and in doing so they attract mature relationships based on respect for your values and so on.
Be kind to yourself in the end you will come to realize that this breakup was a ’wake up call” to value yourself and make goals that you want in all areas of your life.
Think where you wish to be in a year or two from now. Make plans short term as well as long term.
You and only YOU are in charge of your own happiness, at least direct your path to your dream life .

JLoon's avatar

I went through something like this with my first major crush(es), but I was in my early teens then. The rush of feelings in an early romance can be a wonderful thing, but the fact is no matter how powerful the emotions seem everything cools eventually. It’s natural and inevitable. And if it all comes crashing down, regardless of the pain the reality is you’ll survive. Nodoby really dies from heartbreak.

But the truth is nothing anyone says here will make any difference. You have to find your own way of sorting your own feelings. Maybe start by asking yourself how hard this guy is working to keep you in his life. If you’re the only one making the effort it’s not real love – Or even friendship.

Good luck.

gorillapaws's avatar

Writing in your journal sounds like a very healthy way to process your feelings.

You’re a good person and there are a lot of good men in the world. There’s no reason why you won’t find one to share your life with. From what I remember in your earlier questions, it sounds like this guy was more into himself than you and your needs. Intellectually, know this is a good thing. That said, knowing such a truth doesn’t really temper the emotional pain you’re experiencing. Time really is the best medicine for heartache.

Sending you heartfelt best wishes. We’re here if you want to talk.

sincere's avatar

Live in the moment and love yourself.

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