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vicariousatonement's avatar

How do I/should I leave this person?

Asked by vicariousatonement (1points) September 30th, 2008 from iPhone

I have been with my current girlfriend for three years now. During the second year of our relationship she cheated on me twice, once hooking up the other sexually. After each time, she told me aftewards and was upset about what happening, saying the alcohol she consumed both times was the factor that lead to the behavior. I told her, after a while, that I forgave her actions.
It has a year nearly to the day since the her second ‘affair’ and things are beginning to crumble. I feel as though I may never trust her again, even after this time has passed, and have begun considering leaving her. Is trust something that can truly be earned back, or is it hopeless?
Also, if I chose to leave this person, is there anyway of doing so without earning the contempt of our mutual friends for being the “bad guy?”

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10 Answers

Nimis's avatar

Unless she has a serious alcoholic problem, she’s still accountable for her actions.
I don’t really see how you would be the “bad guy” if you left.
But I do see how you’d be the “chump” if you stayed.

Judi's avatar

Durring a break-up you find out who your true friends are. You don’t need to justify leaving if you’re not married and you’re not happy.

marinelife's avatar

I think you are being honest to say that you are not feeling the return of trust. I would have a lot of trouble with multiple cheating incidents.

I would be less concerned about what other people think. What matters is that you know what happened. If your crowd is judgmental enough to pick sides or to condemn you for the break-up, I think you ought to re-evaluate whether they are worthy friends.

I am not even sure if I decided to break-up with her that I would mention the cheating at this point. Even if that is the primary reason. I would go with something like, “My feelings have changed, and I want to break up. We had some special times together, and I wish you well in the future.”

Then, don’t fall into the trap of explaining even in the face of tears. If she says, “But why? What did I do?” just say, “It’s not about you. My feelings have changed. I need to move on.”

Take care. Give yourself time to grieve and process before jumping into a new relationship.

trudacia's avatar

How are you the bad guy if she cheated on you twice? Anyway, if your mutual friends hold it against you, that’s their problem.

My opinion, cheating once may be forgivable for some but there is no way I’m sticking around if it happens a second time.

deaddolly's avatar

I agree with the answers so far; you’re not the bad guy, she’s the cheater and she’s done it twice. alcohol is an excuse…why would she get herself in that predicament anyway?
You can do better, I’m sure. And if your friends are really your friends, they probably think so too.

scamp's avatar

First of all, I wouldn’t worry so much about what others think. You have been the “good guy” for forgiving her twice, so I doubt they will think any differently if you choose to end it now.

As far as trust being earned back, it seems that you are still having an issue with this a year later, so I think you kind of answered your own question. I don’t think that using alcohol as an excuse was the best choice for your girlfriend. When we drink, we may loosen up a little, but if we don’t really want to do something, we don’t, drunk or not.

The way you worded your question seems to say you want to end it with her and are looking for some type of permission to do so. Search your heart. Do you really see a future with this girl? Do you think she will be faithful to you? If the answer to those questions is no, then do both of you a favor and end it now before it gets any messier.

Your friends will understand, if they are in fact your friends. If they don’t and they want to pass judgement on you, they are not true friends. But it really isn’t their business anyway, so do what is best for you.

I don’t know how old you are, but there is no sense wasting your time on a relationship that is floundering. If you can’t see yourself getting past this, end it and move on to a happier life.

If you think you can work things out, and she has learned by past mistakes, by all means give it another shot. But this is something you should both talk about and agree on. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. She should be willing to help you learn to trust her again, and be willing to do what it takes to prove your trust is deserved.

Welcome to Fluther. I wish you all the best.

basp's avatar

Alcohol is no excuse for her behavior.
Do what is the right thing for yourself, not for what your fiends might think. And, if they are really friends, they will not pass judgement.

squirbel's avatar

Each day you are sacrificing your happiness by staying by her side.

A relationship is not a two-way street when trust is non-existent – trust is the street.

You are you. Your mutual friends are your friends – and will remain so if you leave her. Do not be afraid to find out if they are not really your friends.

It’s your life. Do your thing, man.

Judi's avatar

It’s not even fair to HER if your heart is not in it anymore.

chicadelplaya's avatar

You deserve to be happy and in this situation it sounds like you are certainly NOT happy.
It sounds like it’s way past time to move on. It sucks to break up, but you have to do what is best for you. In the long run you’ll be SO happy you did, trust me. I honestly believe once a cheater, always a cheater. Sorry.

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