General Question

ronski's avatar

Is a man being manipulative if he claims he can't get hard when using a condom?

Asked by ronski (737points) December 24th, 2008

My friend is dating my other friend and he says that he can’t get hard with a condom on. I think this is weird. Is he just manipulating her? Does he even care about her at all?

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45 Answers

tinyvamp's avatar

i don’t know if he is manipulating her, but he can get hard without the condom and then once he is hard slip that baby on.

but if he refuses that then maybe he has something up his sleeve.

scamp's avatar

Tell her to runnnnnn!!!!

chyna's avatar

I’m no expert on condoms but I thought you had to be hard first then slip it on. I’m not sure I would trust someone who refused to wear one. Better check him for diseases.

MrMeltedCrayon's avatar

I uh… usually put the condom on after getting hard. I figured that’s how most people did it. Sounds like he’s just making an excuse to go in bare.

andrew's avatar

Even if homeboy has a problem, he needs to find a way to cope, stat.

susanc's avatar

@tinyvamp: “up his sleeve”. Excellent.

I agree with scamp. Vehemently. Something is awry with that dude.

jessturtle23's avatar

I have always believed that if a person doesn’t wear a condom for me then he hasn’t with anyone else.

Trustinglife's avatar

@Ronski, If I were in your shoes, I’d say something like, “I’m concerned you’re manipulating my friend into having sex with you without a condom. Is that true?” And watch his reaction. Does he seem defensive? Scared that you’re on to him? Or does he seem more undefended, open, and willing to reveal something that’s rather, um, intimate.

If you don’t feel comfortable having this conversation with him – or your friend/his partner doesn’t – what the heck are you doing asking us?

I think good communication, inside of the relationship, is more important than being right, outside of the relationship.

ronski's avatar

@Trustinglife I think I was just curious in general. I didn’t say I wanted to be involved. I was more curious in the nature of this kind of situation, but was using a specific incident.

But really, if you are wondering why I am asking the question in the first place, than why are you answering it?

Trustinglife's avatar

Just in case it might be helpful. Your question sounded personal to me, not theoretical. So I answered in kind. If you’d rather I not respond to your questions, let me know.

kfingerman's avatar

Assuming this guy isn’t a total sleazeball, perhaps he’s had bad experiences in the past with condoms, and has been in relationships for a while where other birth control was in effect. I know, a lot of assumptions, but it’s possible. Another, less confrontational way to go about this (assuming they’re already hooking up) is for her to say “So, you say you can’t get (let’s assume stay) hard with a condom on huh? PROVE IT!” That way, everybody wins.

ronski's avatar

@Trustinglife Do what you please. I’m not into censoring people.

asmonet's avatar

Yep.
Suck it up.

syz's avatar

Sleazeball alert!! Sleazeball alert!!

MrItty's avatar

The guy’s either an ass or an idiot or just massively ignorant. You don’t “get hard with a condom”. You put the condom on after you are already erect. That is the only correct (maybe even possible) way to put it on.
If he’s saying it because he wants to have unprotected sex with the girl, he’s a jackass and she should leave him.
If he’s saying it because he’s an idiot, just leave him. He’s not going to change.
If he’s saying it because he’s ignorant, then he needs to be educated.

SuperMouse's avatar

It sounds like he’s messing with her.

BTW, ronski, you might want to lighten up a bit, TrustingLife’s answer made perfect sense to me. Hang around for a bit, read some threads, you will find the collective to be a pretty insightful bunch.

Ort's avatar

Granted it feels better without one, but I agree with the other comments here. You might counter that if this guy is having erectile dysfunction perhaps he should see a doctor: Viagra, etc. might help.

Unprotected sex outside of a committed monogamous relationship between people who have been recently tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases and fully disclosed the results to each other, is dangerous.

Best case: both of them should learn more about the dangers of unprotected sex and learn how to be safe together.
Worst case: the guy is a dangerous slimeball and your friend needs to stand up for herself and DTMFA.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I don’t know how sleazy he is, but some guys cannot honestly maintain an erection with a condom on. Some are lying, sure, but some can’t feel with a condom. A friend of mine once told me that he hates wearing condoms so much that when he puts one on, he begins to lose his erection. Maybe this guy is a sleazebag, but maybe his concerns are legitimate.

Trustinglife's avatar

I rue the fact that DTMFA has its own acronym. For those who are like me and didn’t know what it meant, it stands for “Dump the Mother Fucker Already.”

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Chances are he’s a sleaze. But, like Katawa said, some guys really don’t feel much when they wear them. One of my friends can’t maintain while wearing one and he’s definitely not a sleaze.

Either way, he’ll have to deal with it or wait for your friend to get on birth control.

cdwccrn's avatar

Most likely not the sort of guy that really respects the woman he is with.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Why is everyone attacking this dude? He could after all be telling the truth.

Condoms completely kill any and all erection i once had. Even if im like going at it. Its like a someones trying to strangle princess fifi.

i mean i didnt name it princess fifi….

laureth's avatar

I’ve heard tell that guys who are larger than average might have a problem with this. (I’ve tried three different ways of trying to explain why, and none of them sound clean enough to post, so I’ll leave it to all of your vivid imaginations.)

chyna's avatar

princess fifi ? lol

El_Cadejo's avatar

@laureth yeaaa thats my problem ;)

Ort's avatar

Ginormous or not, there’s a safe sex answer to this problem. There are condoms for jumbo sized fellas and plenty of other options they could both learn about from any doctor, safe sex hotline or planned parenthood, etc.. It looks more like an issue of taking safe sex seriously and proceeding from there.

gooch's avatar

Yep he is a liar.

MrItty's avatar

So what if he’s telling the truth and can’t maintain an erection? Completely irrelevant. If he’s trying to use that fact to say “I want to have sex without protection”, he’s still scum. He cares more for a few minutes of gratification than for disease and pregnancy. Scum, idiot, whatever. He’s not someone anyone should be with.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

Here’s the deal with guys and condoms, as far as I’m concerned:

If he has an issue with the condom itself, investigate other birth control methods and/or ways to prevent STD transmission (ie the birth control pill/patch, IUD, nuvaring, diaphragms, spermicide, etc. for birth control, DEFINITELY getting tested for STD/STIs). If he refuses considering these options, that’s when I’d be worried about him being manipulative and not upfront about his investment in the sex itself.

Condoms can, indeed, be an issue for some guys. Sometimes it is a problem with the size, as many people are alluding to above, for which you can find larger sized condoms. Sometimes it is a problem with the amount of stimulation involved, that the condom cuts down on the sensation. Ways to get around these problems can be trying different types of condoms (extra sensitive, extra thin, etc.) or trying other birth control methods (assuming STDs aren’t an issue). It may have to do with a mental issue surrounding the use of a condom itself, which he’d just have to deal with as it came up.

I never trust any guy who doesn’t want to consider using a condom. More than once, I’ve been in a situation in which the guy I’ve been with doesn’t want to wear a condom, and asks if I’m on birth control, assuming that the fact that I am will negate the need for a condom. NOT TRUE AT ALL. I insist on using one, regardless of the fact that I’m on the pill. Good thing too, because I had someone accuse me of passing an STI, which I didn’t (for the record – I’m VERY CLEAN, thank you VERY MUCH), and I knew it wasn’t possible because I had insisted on the use of a condom. Any guy who refuses to protect himself with one partner probably hasn’t taken much time to protect himself with others, and if he doesn’t respect her enough to care about her health, safety, and the prevention of pregnancy, then she certainly shouldn’t be having sex with him in the first place.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@Tits: Best answer by far. :)

asmonet's avatar

For prevention of STD’s. Condoms. No negotiating there. :)

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@DrasticDreamer: When I was in high school, I was a standard patient for med school students at a high-ranked medical school near me. Third year medical students take exams that are “real life situations” in which actors/standard patients are in the exam rooms instead of real patients. We memorized sets of information and they would come in and take a medical/social history of us and try to diagnose based just on what we said. I did one case that was non-diagnosis, but was the “teenage girl asking for birth control,” the assessment being how well the student dealt with awkward situations with minors. Anyway, as a result of that, I know more than my fair share about birth control methods and STD/STI transmission and prevention… I’ve had about 12 classes (3 classes a year, 4 years) of medical students tell me everything I’ve ever wanted and needed to know on the subject. It’s been a pretty invaluable experience, and it’s been very good to know the things I do.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

Well I don’t know the guy but it sounds like he’s a tool. If he can’t keep it up when hes wearing a condom then he needs to see a doctor to get some help with that, rather than having unprotected sex! Tell your friend its a trap!

Likeradar's avatar

@Ort- Lurve for being a Savage Love reader. :)

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@Likeradar: I read Savage Love all the time! Love love love it.

whitelily14's avatar

If he’s not willing to use protection he obviously doesn’t care enough about her. She should tell him if he won’t wear it she just won’t sleep with him period. (that will most likely change his mind). Granted, if it turns out he WAS manipulating her, she should probably dump him regardless. However, if it turns out that he does have some sort of problem there is medicine (like viagra) that can be taken to boost libido.

greylady's avatar

Just a reminder here, from the old nurse. Condoms cannot prevent VD (STDs). They can reduce your chance of contracting a disease, but do not prevent them – because the bacteria or virus or other infective organism is also on surrounding skin, etc. The only real way to prevent STD is to have both persons tested and treated if necessary, before being intimate.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

@greylady: Great point! I made sure to mention testing in my response as well. Testing is SUCH an important part of being a sexually active person, and more people need to be aware of it and taking advantage of the resources available to them.

greylady's avatar

@TitsMcGhee, yes, your response is what made me think to expand on that point. Too many people contract genital warts, herpes, and chlamydia as well as all the other STDs while using condoms, and then have no idea why. Some of those diseases are not curable, only controllable.

samantha360's avatar

Get her to make him get an std test before she does anything.

SeventhSense's avatar

You have to bring this up? I thought I told you, I don’t like you discussing my personal business in public. :<

SeventhSense's avatar

@LKidKyle1985
Love the strange video.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

lol thanks, I have been waiting almost 4 months for someone to notice that awesome link.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Sweet holy moly! If you have never had one of those demon latex contraptions squeezing the dear life out of your Robert Earl you will know he ain’t lying. I guess the size of the condom to his dumstick might make a difference too I never found one big enough to be comfortable, and when you are getting squeezed that much down there your mind goes off her rack and to the discomfort then your Robert Earl becomes a Peewee Herman.

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