General Question

chicadelplaya's avatar

What does "looking" really mean, anyway?

Asked by chicadelplaya (2213points) January 16th, 2009

What do you think it means when people say, “you’ll find that right someone when you’re not looking for it”? I mean, I understand that if you are searching online or a rubber-necker where ever you go, you are “looking”, but what if you aren’t doing those things and people still say “when you stop looking, you’ll find him”. Any thoughts?

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22 Answers

asmonet's avatar

It means it will happen when you least expect.

It’s like a sister phrase to a watched pot never boiling. You can’t force things. :)

I’m kind of exhausted though, might not be coherent.

Nimis's avatar

Baked = Fluther wisdom

asmonet's avatar

Totally, there’s evidence right under our nose.

Jamspoon's avatar

asmonet’s on it. It just means there will come a time when “finding someone” isn’t your main concern and you’ll happen to meet “that someone” without really realising it until the connection has already been made. hefts the bags under his eyes to bed

funkdaddy's avatar

I’ve always taken it to mean that if you’re actively searching, and thinking you need to find someone right now, you’re not going to be living for the experiences around you as much. You’re not just enjoying being with people anymore, you’re measuring everyone for a possible relationship, checking to see if they put the toilet seat down, worrying about compatibility.

It makes it hard for a natural relationship to grow and attraction to blossom into more.

So once you let go a bit, stop weighing others against an ideal, things tend to happen. You’re also more attractive because you’re more likely to be at ease and confident with yourself once you realize you’re ok on your own.

cyndyh's avatar

^^ What they said, yes.

And if you stop looking you do the things you want to be doing instead of spending your time on alert. If you’re doing the things you like doing you’re more likely to find people with shared interests because they’ll be out doing those things, too. The hikers are hiking. The cyclists are cycling. The bookworms are reading. You get the idea. They aren’t necessarily at a singles meet-n-greet or a dating site.

laureth's avatar

…No I cant bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that i, I cant go on
These precious words keeps me hangin on
I remember mama said:

You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love dont come easy
Its a game of give and take

You cant hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes…

Aethelwine's avatar

@laureth now I have that song stuck in my head! :)

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

And sometimes, if you overthink it, you spend your time looking for what you think is the characteristics of the right person, and they turn out to be totally wrong.

cyndyh's avatar

I swear I’ve been trying to come up with a question that will make her quote Come On Eileen :^>

cyndyh's avatar

@laureth: Come on and help us here.

nebule's avatar

you may not actively be going out dating people and going to clubs etc “looking” but if in your heart you are still not satisfied with yourself completely then you won’t find that certain someone… because really deep down…you are…in fact… stilll… looking…I believe anyway!

Aethelwine's avatar

I was looking for love in all the wrong places
Looking for love in too many faces
Searching your eyes, looking for traces
Of what… I’m dreaming of…
Hopin’ to find a friend and a lover
God bless the day I discover
Another heart, lookin’ for love

cyndyh's avatar

ok, if someone starts in with Wind Beneath My Wings I’m outa here. :^>

DrBill's avatar

You can’t look for love, you can only look for lust.

If you try to find Mr/Ms Right, the best you can hope for is to find Mr/Ms Right now.

Give it time and it will happen when it happens.

wundayatta's avatar

You look and look and look, and then you realize you’re never going to find someone. You give up. You start living your life. Your love pops up.

You can’t shortcut the process. You have to go through it all. Your giving up has to be honest.

I think of it as a zen kind of thing. When you look, you aren’t yourself. There’s an edge that changes everything about you. I think it turns people off in some subtle way.

When you give up, you become your natural self, and that’s the person that people (and your love) like. So it’s really a matter of becoming yourself, and you can’t do that without not being yourself for a while. Confused? So am I.

Darwin's avatar

Somehow folks who are “looking” project a vibe of desperation that makes others shy away. Folks who are genuinely enjoying life and the activities that make it up are much more attractive. Most everyone wants to be around someone who is having fun. Very few, except possibly either users or other desperate souls, want to be around people who are yearning for companionship.

First be happy in your own skin and enjoy your own skills and talents. That way even if you never do find “the one” you will have a great life. Odds are, however, that someone else will want to share your enjoyment.

Judi's avatar

I think it means that people are atracted to people who are whole and complete in themselves and don’t feel like they “need” someone else to be complete. There is something about confidence and comfort in ones own self that is more attractive than someone who need someone else to “complete” them.

TitsMcGhee's avatar

I find that phrase comparable with the situation I always find myself in; when ever I get all dolled up and pretty, I never end up actually snagging the guy, but when I look a broke down mess, when I haven’t brushed my hair and my bra and underwear don’t match, that’s when some guy is ready to hop into bed. Frustrating, for sure.

In terms of just being “looking,” means that you’re consciously aware that you are trying to find a SO. My best relationships were the ones that developed naturally, when I wasn’t in a frenzy to be coupled off and trying to force things.

augustlan's avatar

The love of my life popped up when I was adamantly not looking. I wanted nothing to do with committed relationships, let alone marriage, and there he was!

onesecondregrets's avatar

It means get to the point where you’re stable enough by yourself that someone can come along and compliment that. If you’re looking for someone that means you aren’t satisfied independently and chances are you won’t find them because it isn’t the right time to. Looking is really a reflection of your state. Concentrate on more important things, that means you wouldn’t be looking.

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