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Mtl_zack's avatar

Have you ever loved and not be loved back?

Asked by Mtl_zack (6762points) January 17th, 2009

I just confessed my love to someone, and now I realize that she doesn’t love me. I’ve loved her for a long time, and I’ve always convinced myself that I don’t, mainly because I was scared of her response.

She has a boyfriend, and she doesn’t love him the way I do her, but she’s still happy with him. She doesn’t love me though, that’s for sure.

I feel really depressed right now, and I could use some cheering up. Have you ever been in a similar situation and everything turned out fine?

How do I move on so I’m not stuck loving her forever? Can I love someone else? How do i go about doing this?

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27 Answers

PupnTaco's avatar

I’ve been there a couple times with girls in college. Eventually I learned it’s only worthwhile if it goes both ways, and made my peace with it.

Mtl_zack's avatar

Oh, and if you say it’s just hormones, I will kick you where it hurts because I know that this is actual love, not just teenage mumbo jumbo.

queenzboulevard's avatar

Loving someone means wanting them to be happy no matter what. If you love her, and you say she’s happy, then let it be. If you two are meant to be together, then that’s what will happen. accidentally running over her bf with a truck may help speed things along though

@zack (to yr response below mine)
Ah well her happiness should make you happy (although that sounds stupid and doesn’t seem like it could work lol4rl). You should start thinking of women as sexual objects, then you won’t have feelings for them! jk no one yell at me for saying that

Mtl_zack's avatar

@queenzboulevard I do want her to be happy, and that’s why I asked this question, to figure out how to get past this. She clearly won’t be happy with me, so then I don’t want to put her through it. But how do I be happy? How do I move on?

DrBill's avatar

Been there, done that, yesterday.

I went to a beautiful woman who I have loved for a while, to tell her how I feel. I was greeted with her telling me how she is in love with Jess.

If you ripped my heart out, it would not have hurt as bad. Alone again, naturally

Allie's avatar

Yes, it’s happened to me before. Unfortunately, no one could really cheer me up. I just had to be sad for a while. After a bit it doesn’t hurt so bad. And in a way it’s better knowing for sure how the other person feels than always wondering.
It’ll take time, maybe a lot of it, but you’ll be okay Zack. Talk to friends. Go hang out with them after you’re done being alone (if you want to be alone at all).
Heartbreaks are tough. You’ll get through it though. I have no doubt you will.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

Yes, my first boyfriend. We dated, and broke up 3 times over 8 years. I wish I knew why it never worked out.

Mexicanamerican's avatar

I’m going on six months of tring to get over that situation.. The best I can tell you is that you’ll have your good and bad days, so far for me the bad days are few, but seem more powerfull than all the good. But you do recover quicker every time.. At least in my case…

AstroChuck's avatar

Yes. I love Mexican food but it definitely doesn’t love me.

Bluefreedom's avatar

Yes, I went through the love/unloved scenario with my first wife. I loved her and she loved someone else via an affair she was having behind my back. After the divorce, it was like a breath of fresh air and I did what Allie mentioned in her post above, I surrounded myself with friends and family and they gave me the love and support that I needed to get my self-esteem and happiness back.

You’ll certainly be able to love someone else, Mtl zack, but take some time out for you, be with your friends, and understand that you’re not to blame for anything and that time heals all wounds. I know that sounds a little trite but it is the truth.

Mtl_zack's avatar

I skimped out on a few deatails:

This is gonna sound weird, but I’ve told her I loved her before, and she didn’t respond at all. I took it as a maybe, and maybe if I gave it time, it would work in my favor. I took a few weeks moping around privately and acting normal around other people, but inside I was very depressed. Especially when she was eating her boyfriend’s face right in front of me (I told her about that, and she stopped because she knew it was uncomfortable). We still hang out together, and we’re really good friends, and that awkwardness from the first talk has almost completely vanished.

But now, I know for sure that she doesn’t love me, and it’s not just a maybe. It’s definitely a no. I was feeling absolutely horrible when it was a maybe, to the point where it reached excruciating physical pain, as well as desperate lonesomeness. So now, when it’s a no, I feel 10000000 times worse than that. Now, I feel that when I hang out with her, I won’t be able to hide my true feeling like I did after the first talk, but it would be a lot worse and a lot more awkward.

Siren's avatar

If I were you, I would spend less time around her while you get over her. It sounds like you may be running in the same social circles, but you can always just leave after a few minutes or hang out with someone else.

I think you are finding it hard to stay away from her and you’re in a lot of pain. But the pain will lessen if she is not right in front of you a lot. And, it will give you opportunities to do other things and get distracted. Over time, it will be less painful (especially when you meet someone else).

forestGeek's avatar

I’m sorry about what your going through Zack!

I feel that when there is a “maybe”, it will always be more difficult to move on. With a maybe there is false hope to hang on to. I think that now with you knowing for certain, it will be easier for you to move on…you have to now! It will likely be very hard for you initially, and you might have to distance yourself from her a bit right away for you own well being.

Zack, I understand what your were going through!! I am living within uncertainty right now, and it’s hell! When my ex broke things off, she told me many times that she was unsure if it was what she really wanted, but that she needed to figure things out for herself without dragging me through it and hurting me. I love her more than I’ve ever loved another person. She told me she really loves me, is very confused and misses me immensely. I hate knowing this. I feel that since there’s still so much love between us, that I cannot move on. It would be so much easier knowing that we will never be together again, because I could just get over it. I’m trying, but it’s proving to be difficult. I do know that it just takes time, and in my case distance and doing only what’s best for me.

Mtl_zack's avatar

@Siren I’ve tried not encountering her when I told her I loved her the first time, but the people who I chose to be with instead were actually people who reminded me of her. These people mostly resemble her, physical, and personally. They have similar mannerisms, and do some of the same things for fun. They use the same products, wear similar clothes and are similar in other ways. Every person who I’ve met since I’ve met her resembles her in so many ways. It cannot be a coincidence. I have a theory that I want to be with her, so I set up “clones” that remind me of her so I’m actual always “with her”.

skfinkel's avatar

I believe that you have a real love for her. The pain is real and hurts. This is a loss, and really the only thing is to let yourself grieve. It’s a painful process, but it doesn’t last forever, and you will find another love, although it might be hard to imagine right now. Listen to music you love, write about your feelings in a diary, take walks, eat well. Take care of yourself. Spring is just around the corner.

Siren's avatar

I agree with skfinkel. You have to accept the fact that you feel pain. And, I totally get it that you set up clones to be with her in spirit. It’s very normal to associate a lot of things with someone we’ve loved, and then we see them all around us, in various ways. Sometimes we’ll just buy a shampoo or cologne because it reminds us of that person. But, realistically, it will just take you that much longer to get over her (and you’ll want to at some point) if you have so many sensory reminders around you.

Maybe hang out with friends who don’t resemble her as much? :)

LostInParadise's avatar

You will get over her, but in the short term you should definitely avoid seeing her. What I don’t understand is why this situation is not awkward for her. She must have some sense of the pain you are feeling. Has she expressed any sympathy? Not to question your taste, but maybe this girl is a bit more shallow than what you deserve.

And when I say that you will get over her, that is not entirely true. There will be a scar left behind. First loves are always special. When you look back it will be a bittersweet memory, sweet because it will recall your youth and you will be able to see it in the context of the rest of your life, especially the support you received from your friends, and bitter because of the recollection of the pain.

Although it is hard to see it this way, the next result will be to have widened your experience and enriched your life. As Nietzsche said, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

mcbealer's avatar

hope you feel better… listen to the cover by Cake I Will Survive

answerjill's avatar

Hi, Zack. I’m sorry that you are in so much pain. Yes, I have been there, too. I have found that the pain does lessen with time, although it may not ever go away entirely. I find that I, too, am attracted to a particular “type.” Unfortunately, this type of guy is rarely interested in me. Recently, I have been trying to keep my eyes open for people who may not match up with my type, but who may still have potential. In fact, a few weeks ago, I met a guy who did not interest me all that much at first, but as he began to pay attention to me and show interest and kindness to me, he became a heck of a lot more attractive! (Too bad he still has not answered my email from two weeks ago…. But in any case, I did learn something from all of this.)

laureth's avatar

I think everyone’s been in this situation. It’s just one of those things that happen to human beings.

I believe the best antidote is finding someone who does love you. (Easier said than done, I know.) You might need to spend some time not trying to pursue anyone until you can rid your system of the worst of the grief. After that, you will be more open if someone appropriate coems along.

That said, you will probably always feel something for her, even if it fades to the background. You may even date people who look like her, not because they look like her specifically, but because all of them are a “type” you find attractive. That’s okay. (I like longhair guys because I had a good longhair boyfriend years ago.) But if you find someone to be happy with who is happy to be with you, that can do a LOT to put thoughts of this woman behind you.

Mtl_zack's avatar

Here’s an update:

So today we started school again, and we saw each other for the first time in 7–8 weeks. Her boyfriend was there too. I’m not sure if she told him anything, but he seems to at least suspect something. He found ways to make me seem “inferior” on a few occasions today, in front of her, as well as in front of mutual friends. I also saw him in the hallways a few times when he was alone, and I said hi, but he would just grunt. Maybe he had a bad day or something, or maybe he senses my thinking of her. But I somehow doubt that sh would tell him. I mean, why does he have to know? Why would she have reason to tell him? Shes very good at sweeping things under the rug, and just ignoring them.

My interaction with M (this will be her, from now on) is going quite well. We were talking on MSN the day after the “event” and everyday since, but casually, like nothing happened. Although, I am adding in more compliments to her, unintentionally, and I think that she is getting a bit freaked out because of this. Like today, we had a more serious talk about her and her friendship with other people, and I was saying don’t change, you’re good exactly how you are, etc…, but I guess she sensed it in a weird way. How do I stop aying these things that are compliments, but seem like “winning her over lines”?

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

There are no magic “win her over” lines. That only happens in movies. Just keep being nice. If her BF is a jerk, eventually nice pays off. But only say nice things that are sincere.

Siren's avatar

@Mtl_zack: You are like a firefly to a lightbulb. You need to distance yourself from this person. Maybe you can’t do it today, or tomorrow, but set a schedule for yourself to make an effort to see her (visibly) less each day. For example, tomorrow say to yourself “If I see her twice today, I’ll avoid her the rest of the day”. The day after, say “If I see her once today, I won’t look for her again today”. Finally, the day after that (Friday), say to yourself “I am not looking for her, and will avoid walking by places she hangs out”. just my advice

stevenb's avatar

I was going to say yes, but then I realized, looking back with 20/20 hindsight, that what I thought was love, was only deep infatualtion. I think Love has to be returned to really be Love. I’m not saying unrequited infatuation doesn’t still hurt like hell, but I think Love is so much deeper because it is shared between two people. In my experience, Love grows in so many deep and amazing ways only when the other person returns it. It bounces back and forth gaining force and richness and depth that it can never reach when only one person feels it.

malhurt's avatar

Hey Zack. I was just surfing the net, chasing answars to the same question asked by you. I cant help you since im in a bad position myself.

My Girlfriend broke up with me after 3 beautiful years. She changed from one day to the other. From loving me more the life to packing her stuff and leaving. I´m hartbroken, confused and very sad.

How is it possible to change feelings in a matter of days that way. She still loves me she says. But if that´s the case, why am I alone then.

Hope i will win her back. But if that wont happen, i´m sure a nother girl will show up to love me and be loved back. The same will happen to you Zack. You just have to be patience, and life will do all the magic for you.

augustlan's avatar

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