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Jane_Ann_Deaux's avatar

How would you tell a friend that you slept with her younger sister's boyfriend?

Asked by Jane_Ann_Deaux (586points) February 9th, 2009

Here’s the deal: I know it was wrong, so save the judgement. It was a weird Ross and Rachel “on a break” type thing.

They weren’t together. We hooked up. She’s 20, he and I are both older. When it happened about a week ago, we decided not to tell anyone, since they had just “broken up”. We figured it was best if no one found out.

Since then, they’ve gotten back together. Now I feel some moral obligation to at least tell my friend, so she can talk to her sister. He does not want to tell.

At this point, would it benefit anyone to find out? Undoubtedly, it will make things very complicated for a while, I’m not an idiot, I realize that’s one of the consequences of my actions. I just don’t know if it would be worth the consequences.

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21 Answers

basp's avatar

I wouldn’t.

syz's avatar

Why compound your error?

SuperMouse's avatar

Keep it to yourselves.

Sueanne_Tremendous's avatar

There is no harm in sleeping together and no shame. Now, if he put the lime in the coconut while you were sleeping we might have something to discuss.

trumi's avatar

This may be a horrible way of doing it, but if I were you I would tell the friend, but make sure that she forced the guy to tell her sister. Your friend has to know first, but also the only way he is going to have a shot at keeping the relationship is if he comes clean and the sister hears it from him first.

It will come out eventually, and you’ll get the blame if you don’t tell your friend first.

jessturtle23's avatar

I wouldn’t tell anyone. You would just be screwing each other all over again.

dynamicduo's avatar

No no no. Don’t tell anyone. Learn from this and move on.

I will note that I don’t think either of you two did anything wrong. If he was on a break, that’s a break, and thus your hooking up is legit.

But seriously, don’t tell anyone. Simply nothing positive will come from it. It’s not worth the consequences at all. No one gains anything, but some of you will likely lose the relationships you have. It’s a losing game, why would you consider playing?

Jane_Ann_Deaux's avatar

@ trumi—I agree that at some point the truth will come out. That is why I was considering telling her. I would rather her hear it from me than someone else.

With that being said, she and I are both moving in three months.

susanc's avatar

What on earth would make the truth come out if not you or the boyfriend? This is ridiculous. Shut the fuck up and forget about it.

dynamicduo's avatar

The truth will not come out so long as you keep your mouth closed. If the boy tells the girl, which I doubt he would, then he deserves whatever he gets. If the girl gets mad at you, well, there’s nothing that you can do about that. Then again, if you tell her now she will have the same reaction – so take the free bet that the boy says nothing. I still stand by the fact that what you two did while they were broken up is perfectly legitimate, but people are often blind fools when love is involved and let their emotions take over.

Jane_Ann_Deaux's avatar

Very valid points, and exactly the answers I wanted to hear.

Just can’t figure out why this other friend is so convinced that I need to tell her.

scamp's avatar

I really don’t see how talking about it would do anyone any good. They were broken up at the time, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. I can understand your discomfort with the situation, but I think you should just keep it to yourself and let them repair their relationship without any added stress or drama.

wundayatta's avatar

What would be the advantage of telling your friend? Is it so that she doesn’t hear it from her sister in case the boyfriend confesses? Seems like a low risk, especially since boyfriend doesn’t want to say anything.

Even if he does confess, if she’s really your friend, you’ll survive the trouble. You can explain why you kept quiet. You can explain why you did it. It’ll blow over. On balance, I agree with the others here, unless I’m missing some other compelling reason to confess.

tiffyandthewall's avatar

if they weren’t together when you hooked up, why should you feel so guilty that you need to tell them? i’d just leave it alone. what’s done is done. if he didn’t cheat on her with you, it’s not that big of a deal, don’t worry too much.

Jane_Ann_Deaux's avatar

I think the reason it is bothering me is that I’m not sure their definitions of “on a break” were the same…

I shouldn’t worry about it. My friend will have to accept the decision I’ve made.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Yup. You did nothing wrong, and what’s happened has happened. Don’t say anything.

If they were broken up, then what he did in the interim is none of your friend’s or her sister’s business.

marinelife's avatar

It might make you feel better, but it has the potential to ruin his relationship, hurt your friend’s sister, and boomerang on your friendship. I see this as a lose-lose proposition unless you think he is a sleaze who will cheat on her a lot.

marinelife's avatar

And, oh by the way, neither of you should have mentioned this to anyone else. Now, the chances of it coming out are much greater. Caution you friend she has no right to say anything.

asmonet's avatar

You don’t!

Jane_Ann_Deaux's avatar

The friend, although she doesn’t sound like it, is impartial. I don’t have to worry about her saying anything.

kullervo's avatar

THink about your motive. Are you wanting to tell because you feel a little hurt or jealous that he is with your friend’s sister now and not you? Does his denial of the whole thing make you feel worth less/bad?

Think about the consequences. On the one hand if you told it would hurt your friend’s sister maybe causing them to break up and hurting him too. It could also upset your friend and maybe you would be hated by all 3 of them.

On the other hand these things have a way of coming out eventually so maybe by saying something now you will save more pain later when the couple are more involved.

I’d say leave well alone. Unless you think that he is likely to cheat on her what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

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