Do you press the self-destruct button.

I don’t think I do it intentionally, but sometimes because I put so much energy into wondering when things will fall apart, I draw destruction to myself. Lately though, I’ve been doing a pretty good job of rolling with things, enjoying what I have, and not worrying that it will go away.

During the last year I have done what many people perceive as pressing the self-destruct button. In actuality (most of) it was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.

I don’t have a button. Is it here on my iPhone somewhere? I do tend to screw things up pretty well so I guess I don’t need a button anyway.

Where is that darned button…?

I wish life would give me the big countdown numerals and the loud countdown voice that precedes the self-destruct (on sci-fi shows). If I could clearly see it coming, I’d probably be better at hitting the Abort button.

I’m the worst culprit for it I believe. I really do hit it at fairly regular intervals. I think I just possess that kind of self-destructive streak that doesn’t believe that things can ever just be “good” so I act in a “self-destruct before someone destroys you” kind of way.

I don’t do it exactly on purpose. However, when I’m mentally ill, I push it big time. Fortunately, I have a support system that has refused to let me get away with it. However, should I ever manage to get rid of my support system during an episode, there’s a good chance I’d succeed in destroying myself. God, today is filled with references to that time. It is very uncomfortable. I don’t like thinking these thoughts.

I work on the 8th floor. The windows open. They are open to let in the spring breeze. Even though I’m feeling good, I still think about jumping. I wish I knew why.

I wonder if it is a feeling of unworthyness?

@loser…I have your button. I thought if we shared we’d only fuck up half as much.

@Blondesjon Hmm. I like that plan!!!