General Question

babygalll's avatar

Should I make the first move?

Asked by babygalll (2753points) February 16th, 2009

I haven’t spoken to a good friend of mine in almost two months. I don’t know what’s going on. The last time(nearly 2 months ago) I spoke with this friend he said he would call right back that he had to take a call. He never called back. I called him back a few hours later and he didn’t answer. For two days I tried calling and leaving messages and he didn’t answer or return my calls. I gave up. In the past two months he hasn’t tried to call nor have I called him. I spoke to mutual friends and they have spoke to him. They were surprised that I haven’t spoken to him and even more surprised why he hasn’t called me. I did my part by trying to call and talk to him, but he isn’t doing his part. Nothing happened between us for us not to talk to each other, but it’s bothering me that we haven’t spoken in so long. We have been really good friends for years. Should I try calling or wait it out? It is a two way road. I can’t be the one to always try and call if he’s not even trying.

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16 Answers

TitsMcGhee's avatar

Is it possible that you did something to offend your friend? Have you tried contacting him any other way than via phone call? You should leave a message expressing your concern or worry and then let him come to you.

onesecondregrets's avatar

Well, I say ask yoru friends who do speak to him to ask him if he has any problem with you. That may give you some answers. And even if he does, you said it yourself… I called him back a few hours later and he didn’t answer. For two days I tried calling and leaving messages and he didn’t answer or return my calls.

Putting out any more effort on your part would be a disrespect to yourself. It sucks to have to drop a friendship like that but if the other person isn’t doing their part, it’s not worth your time or worry.

babygalll's avatar

@TitsMcGhee: He is the type of person that will say something right away if someone offends him, so I know I didn’t say anything. I was going to drop an email, but like onesecondregrets said “Putting out any more effort on your part would be a disrespect to yourself.” I am not going to keep trying if I am not getting any response.

@onesecondregrets: I asked the mutual friend, but he didn’t say anything to them. They were surprised that we weren’t talking. They didn’t know anything until I said something.

onesecondregrets's avatar

In that case I say leave it alone. You’ve done what you could.

LostInParadise's avatar

Something strange is going on and you are entitled to an explanation. Friendships don’t just evaporate. See if you can find out what is going on through a mutual friend. If that does not work, I see nothing wrong with sending an email and asking whazup? I mean, how difficult is it to return a phone call? If you had a strong friendship and for some reason your friend no longer wants to maintain it, the proper thing to do would be to call you back and tell you. If nothing else, I think you are entitled to a proper closure.

Trustinglife's avatar

If you didn’t offend him, it’s not personal. You’re still thinking a lot about it. I’d say persist until you tire of it. No need to get haughty. Something is going on for him, and you truly have no idea what it is.

I’d suggest mixing up your attempts. Definitely try email. Ask friends. Call 5 times in a row. Get in his face and demand a response. You deserve that.

Jack79's avatar

Call him. Don’t fall into that “why me and not him” trap. It doesn’t matter who goes first. You feel like calling him, so you should do it. Whether he is wrong is a different issue altogether.

steelmarket's avatar

He could be going through a tough time, doubting himself and his friends. People in this position sometimes (consciously or unconsciously) put up communication barriers as a test to see who are the true friends. If this is the case, do not take it personally. It is not about you, it is about him.

robmandu's avatar

Should you make the first move?

Sounds like you already did… and several more besides.

You can’t make someone like you or even simply respond to you. Put your efforts into friendship elsewhere.

augustlan's avatar

An e-mail, or better yet an actual letter would not be going too far. I wouldn’t be accusatory, just let him know you miss him and wonder why he hasn’t been in touch. This gives him the option to write you back, which is an easier way for some people to express things they find difficult to talk about. After that, the ball will truly be in his court, and you’ll have done all you could.

ronski's avatar

Hmm. This is complicated and hard to deal with. I know because I’ve gone through it a couple times with good friends, friends I thought I would stay in touch with and hang out with more.

At first, I was like you, calling them, asking them why they weren’t responding to me. They didn’t really have any reasons…I could only speculate. Mostly it probably has to do with them. Since I don’t know the two of you very well, I’ll just tell you the reasons that I think my friends didn’t care to stay in touch with me: one of them had feelings for me that I didn’t have back, and since I am in a serious relationship they don’t want to hang out with me. The other one probably barely stays in touch with most people, and I actually don’t think her boyfriend likes me that much.

Neither of them ever gave me any reasons though, probably because their reasons aren’t really fair. At first I was crushed about it, and it took me sometime to get over, but now I figure that their the ones losing out because I didn’t really do anything.

So, I would just leave him alone. If he wants to call you, he will, if he doesn’t he won’t. It sucks for you to be the brunt of this, but either you will get over it or he will come to his senses. Sometimes friends just need space, other times they just can’t deal anymore. Whatever you think, don’t take it personally, because I doubt it has to do with you, but has more to do with him.

Jeruba's avatar

Somebody dropped me like that once (long before cellphones and text messaging). We had been close, and she was a good friend of the family, included in our family events. We did a lot of things together, and she was a special friend to my children. Suddenly—bam, guillotine. I was utterly baffled and tried various measures to reconnect, without success. Even after I gave up, it still bothered me.

One day at lunch with some friends I happened to mention this mysterious disappearance. One woman that I hadn’t known for very long spoke right up and said, “Sounds like someone has identified you as part of a dysfunctional pattern.” She asked if the former friend could have been seeing a therapist, and I said yes, probably so, but I didn’t think I’d done anything to contribute to any dysfunction. I admit I felt very defensive and concerned when she said that.,

The woman told me, “It doesn’t necessarily have to do with anything you did, and you might not have done anything wrong. But if your former friend was trying to break some kind of harmful pattern and you were in any way associated with it, her therapist could have told her to break off contact with you.”

“Without any explanation or any closure?” I asked.

“Could happen,” she said. And she spoke with enough authority that it sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

I don’t know if she was right or wrong, and I never did find out what happened. About fifteen years later, the former friend wrote and apologized to me for cutting me off, but she never explained.

babygalll's avatar

Just an update:

Here we are in August and I still haven’t heard anything from this person. Can’t really call them a friend anymore. I don’t know why, but a few day ago I sent a text message and no reply. I just want to know why. That’s all.

augustlan's avatar

I’m sorry to hear that. :(

ronski's avatar

I’m sorry too…Maybe you should ask them why if you really want to know, than again why even put in the effort…

babygalll's avatar

I have put in so much effort. I do really want to know why, but there is no way to find out. He didn’t answer calls or text messages. I am so annoyed with all this!

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