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drownedtosleep's avatar

How do I get out of this situation?

Asked by drownedtosleep (116points) March 9th, 2009

So I know you have probably all heard this a million times before but I really need some sort of outside advice. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, and while I do care deeply about her(more as a friend would to another) it’s become painfully obvious our life’s are going to end up in separate path’s as we are both young (19) and have different life goals. Also, I hope this doesn’t come off as an asshole way of thinking but I planned experiencing more than one serious relationship in my life. I would like her to still see me as a friend,but if she doesn’t it will be extremely awkward as we live together (stupid to do so young I know) and getting my stuff might be rather difficult. So my question is how would you go about ending this if you were me, accounting for the logistics of how to get my stuff , and we also have two classes together one of which involves a group assignment with the two of in the same group. Should I, if possible, wait until the semester is over or end it now because the emotional apprehension is literally making me sick?

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11 Answers

funkdaddy's avatar

It’s a tough situation and I don’t think there’s going to be a lot of blanket answers that will fit all situations unfortunately.

The only thing I could suggest would be to go ahead and talk to her. She may be feeling much the same way, she may be heartbroken, you may get hit. Trying to “fake it” for convenience and finishing out the semester probably won’t end well though. Most people would feel something was up, and deceiving someone you care about for convenience is never a good tradeoff in my opinion. If you’ve made a decision, and it involves her, you need to let her know.

You know her much better than anyone here. How is she going to take this? Does she think you two are getting married, having kids, and spending eternity together or does she see you as a partner in this stage of her life? Are you getting the feeling she may be feeling limited by the relationship as well? Do either of you have another convenient living arrangement you could use for the time being? Those are some things to think about before hand, and then discuss with her. The more solutions you bring to the table, the better.

I hope it works out well for both of you.

Johnny_B_Goode's avatar

Life with ONE woman will seem like life with many as you grow and live different stages of your life, so dont think there is some magical number out there which will satisfy your idea of what an abundant relationship life should be.In ten years or so it will seem like you ARE with another woman. Its quality brother, not quantity.

drownedtosleep's avatar


Well I know she feels something is up, she had noticed my distance . She is, and I hate to say this, co-dependent.She had a problem when I go somewhere without her, I just feel rather suffocated. She does see this as lasting, she broke down crying when I told her my plans to go to study abroad in Scotland. I have known her my entire teenage life and I can’t stand hurting her, but I simply cannot be who she needs me to be. Living arrangements won’t be a problem at all.

nebule's avatar

Hi @drownedtosleep and welcome to Fluther…

I would suggest that you end it now. You don’t sound very happy at all…and you know deep down what you need to do…It will be sad and heartbreaking but for the benefit of the both of you, you need to move on… IMHO x

and p.s. co-dependant people are not good for you; I’ve been one and with one, there is only one way out
just make sure it’s with humility and kindness and everyone will be fine x

mij's avatar

Just be honest with the lady in question.
Whatever the outcome may be? the main thing is that you discuss it in an open and honest manner and don,t try and hide anything, just make sure she gets to put her point of view across.
Do it now, holding back is just prolonging the agony for you both.
Sometimes things have an amazing way of sorting themselves out, once they are out in the open.
Good luck to both of you.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

You sound level-headed and have put a lot of mature thought into this decision. You should end it, as nicely and as kindly as you posed the question. Like mij said, discuss it in an open and honest manner. Prolonging it won’t make it any better.

Because you are living together, this does have an element of a divorce, and not just a dating break-up. Logistically, If you are going to leave her with the apartment, you will need to honor your share of the rent until the end of the lease or until she can find another roommate. And you both have to get through the rest of the semester and finals. You could let her decide if she would like you to move out right away, or if she would prefer the end of the semester. If it’s the later, you need to vacate the bedroom.

hearkat's avatar

@Johnny B Goode: Much, much Lurve!! Can you put that on a billboard?— No, wait—in a Superbowl commercial?

Bagardbilla's avatar

Welcome to the collective, young Padwan. You seem wise beyond your years.
Good advice from all jellies!
All I’ll reiterate is that you remember all human relations are built on trust. You know and care for this person, and regadless of what decesion you take, do so with honour for yourself and compassion for those you care for…
In time truth will reveal itself and you’ll find that you have preserved your friendship, and perhaps even done what is best for your friend you so cherish.
Seeds of friendship you sowe in youth will be the Oaks in your life when you need them…

DragonFace's avatar

its not gonna end good if she already broke down crying. just try to bring out the possitive things that she can do with out you. its gonna break her heart and you might not be able to hold that friendship. you cannot be greedy just let her go and hope she will find someone to make her happy. if you are unhappy now it will eventually make her unhappy in the end and if you decide to stay well you are just wasting each others time. Life is short and if you are not prepared to sacrifice yourself for her love then dont waste her time. Be honest with her and get out of the relationship. Try to talk things over but like i said earlier it might not end well.

galileogirl's avatar

Your biggest problem is to hold on for 3 mos until the end of term. Don’t feel you have to broach the subject but also don’t initiate intimacy and lead her on. Obviously you feel she will react badly because she may do something when you take your things out. Arrange to move your stuff at the end of term. Take only what is yours, nothing you bought together. Pay your part of the rent 2–3 months ahead. If you have outstanding bills, pay them. Make a sacrifice and leave your game system behind. Leave an “It’s not you, it’s me letter” Do or say nothing to place the blame on her. Don’t try to continue a “friendship” or send her mixed messages. Then learn from your experience…don’t move in with a “practice” girlfriend.

skfinkel's avatar

I think you need to talk with her openly about what you are feeling. It is not easy, and will be difficult to do, and she may be heartbroken. But it is definitely possible that you could end up together in the future, and the only way this can happen if you both go separate ways now. {I have a cousin who’s daughter is getting married in June to her high school boyfriend from ten years ago, after being apart for most of these years.} And if you do part and part forever, that will be best for her in the long run as well—although it may not feel like it now. No one should be in a relationship in which she is not fully loved.

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