General Question

richardhenry's avatar

Why do I only ever see the value in a girl once she's taken?

Asked by richardhenry (12651points) March 22nd, 2009 from iPhone

So many times, I’ve never really pursued a girl until she has a boyfriend. And then I end up really dicking her around and have messed up a few relationships.

Why is it that as soon as a girl has a boyfriend I suddenly become much more interested in them? Are you like that? Why do I have to wait until someone else wants them to actually want them myself?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

21 Answers

shockvalue's avatar

Quite simply, we want what we can’t have.

shockvalue's avatar

I’m the same way, the chase is really fun. Horrible, right?

richardhenry's avatar

In a weird way, I think I need reassurance. Bizarre?

ninjacolin's avatar

you type of guys are a problem. haha. i’ve always considered it weasely. it seems like you guys are trying to impress guys rather than girls. anyway.. that’s just the outside perspective, fyi… oh.. and one more thing.. sometimes it seems that guys who do that almost seem to find comfort in a lady who is considered by others to have value. almost like they’re taking instruction from other guy’s romantic choices…

think back to your first meaningful relationships. what were those like? i always think we’re creatures of habit so, i’m guessing it’s a practice you’ve learned either directly related to girls that are taken or else it’s a habit that manifests in other ways as well.

aviona's avatar

That’s exactly it @richardhenry. Reassurance. Is she really worthy? Hmm. Not sure. But once she is “taken” by another guy then that proves it to you and you realize she lives up to your standards (whatever they may be).
Also, what @shockvalue said, once she is out of your grasp, you want her. Maybe you’re looking for a challenge? Maybe you’re just a masochist? Who knows.
Mayyyybe just go out on a limb and ask a single girl out. Trust yourself in your own judgment. Really. Have confidence.

hearkat's avatar

Interesting observation, because women have known for a while that we seem to have more interest when we’re in a relationship, than when we’re single. One friend of mine has gone so far as to wear an engagement ring when she was single!!

Your details add some interesting information… it’s not just that once the woman is being admired by another that you can see her admirable qualities… it’s that you actively pursue her, even though she is “taken”. You say you’ve ruined relationships, which shows a disregard not only for the other guys’ feelings, but for the woman’s happiness, as well. That hints at some degree of competetiveness and possessiveness to me.

Are you jealous and controlling when you are in a relationship? Do you have issues of insecurity and feel that you have to prove that you are better than the other guy? (and just whomare you trying to price it to?) Does this happen with women who are dating any guy, or are the other guys often people that you know?

nebule's avatar

I could be totally wrong here… but I reckon if you found someone you really connected with I think you would find yourself not ‘dicking’ around… maybe you’re just playing the game until you do…subconsciously do you don’t really want a girlfriend
?

chyna's avatar

@richardhenry You’re one of those guys? <shakes head>

SuperMouse's avatar

Could it be that if she is with someone else you don’t run the risk of failure? I mean if you hit on a girl who has a boyfriend and she turns you down you know the reason for it. If you hit on a single girl and she turns you down you might blame yourself and your confidence will take a hit.

I sure hope that made sense!

AstroChuck's avatar

You’ve got us. What do you need a girl for anyway?

SeventhSense's avatar

@richardhenry
Because you fear intimacy and there’s less of a risk of real involvement. I imagine if she came out and was willing to have an affair with you that you would lose your desire for her. You’re really a good guy but just struggle with being vulnerable and this is a “safe way to explore it. It feels good until it incites jealousy.

marinelife's avatar

Two possibilities come to mind:

1, You need to work on your own self esteem so that you are confident in what you find of value having value. (You might know this is an issue if when a girl is interested in you, you think there must be something wrong with her.)

2. By concentrating on women in relationships with others, you almost ensure a bad end thus avoiding any danger that you will have to really be in relationship or commit to something for the longer term.

You may also want to review and see if there is a certain type of girl this happens with. The good news is that you have recognized a destructive pattern, which is progress.

Spending time doing some writing might be helpful. Some ideas: Write about what you feel about women you meet who are not taken and then how those feelings change when they get in a relationship.

laureth's avatar

The grass is always greener on the other side…
over someone else’s septic tank.

SeventhSense's avatar

I think I need reassurance
Bu the thing is you can never really know if the feedback that you’re getting from her is real reassurance or her just being cordial and so you will always question it. And it goes back to what Marina said about your own self esteem. You can not get self esteem from another nor their regard for you. It’s always hollow and leaves a bitter taste in the mouth when it’s gone. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it may even be Oedipal? What was your modeling like from your own father? Was he around or missing from your life in some way? Can you have self esteem alone? Is it possible to not be in a relationship and that’s ok? Maybe you can work this stuff out in a different and less destructive way. My sense is that if you can experience that, then you will naturally attract single and available women. The next step will just be picking up on the clues that they send you.

Turtle's avatar

Not only guys do this of course. Some girls also start to value a guy more once they have broken up and show more respect for guys when they are already attached.

The old ‘we want what we can’t have’ seems to burden some people alot. I think I’ll make my first question post about that specifically.

SeventhSense's avatar

@richardhenry
You need to respond to some of the posts to clarify further.

Glow's avatar

You never know what you got till its gone as they say :)

Jealousy may play a role in this too.

jo_with_no_space's avatar

Because you want what you can’t have?

Sorry for stating the obvious :P

caeliste's avatar

Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone?

Joni Mitchell knows what’s up.

Jeruba's avatar

Because you want other guys to envy you, and you can’t to be sure of that until you envy them? you think people will judge you by the partner you choose? Maybe you have judged other people that way and now you feel conscious of being vulnerable to such judgments.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther