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blaksquid's avatar

Is it possible for someone to never get jealous?

Asked by blaksquid (71points) April 6th, 2009

My wife doesnt get jealous at all, period. Nothing bothers her. On the other hand, I do get jealous. Not at the point of some guy paying her a compliment, thats fine. But I do get jealous with her. Does that mean I have no selfconfindence to the level that she might be over confident?

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16 Answers

jsc3791's avatar

People respond to things very differently. Just because you get jealous doesn’t mean you have no self confidence.

Personally, I can go long periods of time feeling no inkling of jealously, then all of a sudden something will make me so jealous it is unbelievable. So I suppose I represent both sides of the coin. I think we all can, depending on who is involved and what the specific situation entails.

I guess it depends on how you handle it. If you are able to deal with it and move on, it is probably not an issue. But if it consumes you and causes you to treat your gf badly (when it clearly isn’t her fault) then maybe you should seek therapy on the issue.

How do you usually react when you become jealous?

blaksquid's avatar

well for instance, when she goes out of town, she’ll go to a gym at her hotel and she’ll wear these skimpy shorts. she has amazing legs, and i start picturing her working out and some guy scoping her out. i know i can’t do anything about that, but i’ll start asking her why do you have to wear shorts like that to work out and she responds by saying that those are her workout shorts. that drives me batty, but i have to keep my mouth shut.

jsc3791's avatar

That seems perfectly normal to me, IMHO.

Do you get in major arguments about it or do you usually just let it slide?

Serious jealousy stems from a fear of loss, reputation, control of ourselves, our spouses, or relationships. Losing control of our emotions and feelings will only make things worse. Conversely, keeping our emotions bottled up doesn’t help things either. It can cause you to lose sleep, etc.

Have you had a good long chat about how you feel? It could help assure you that there is nothing for you to be jealous about.

blaksquid's avatar

we talk about the way I get jealous but it doesn’t really resolve anything. when she goes out of town she’ll go to bars with her friends cause she likes to dance. but i’m always the one that feels like i’m the goober in the relationship. lol.

jsc3791's avatar

aw! Don’t feel that way!

You are perfectly normal!

(As long as you say that it is just jealously and there’s no way she’s up to anything.)

casheroo's avatar

@blaksquid your description, of what you get jealous ridiculous. you can’t help if other men look at her. she’s not doing anything wrong.
just because she’s more laid back than you, does not mean she doesn’t get jealous. maybe you’ve never been in a situation for her to get jealous.

blaksquid's avatar

no she is committed to me. but i just get jealous, i know its because i’m more insecure than her.

blaksquid's avatar

casheroo i know youre right. i’m not good at this kind of stuff.

cak's avatar

Do you get jealous when she is in town – and say she’s working out, here, in town? (same shorts) Or is it only when there is dramatic space between the two of you? Is that when the jealous starts?

It’s something worth talking about, if it’s something that you continue to deal with when she is out of town. Now, to tell you honestly, the short – that one, you will probably need to let go of that one. You can express that you would rather her not wear that length; however, be prepared to follow through on everything else. (think bathing suit – I don’t know about her, but I have two very different styles of bathing suits – a tankini and a bikini. Do you expect her to cover from neck to ankle to keep from showing any part of her? Somehow, I doubt it – but you need to get this in control.)

The problem with jealousy is it can start to get away from you. If you start to worry about one article of clothing, you might start to find other pieces objectionable. Instead of getting irrationally jealous over a piece of clothing, figure out a way to deal with the jealousy. If you trust her, then trust her. You cannot control all the thoughts that other people might have of your wife, in their mind. You can’t assume that those things would really happen.

As far as the dancing, that depends on the couple. I have friends that draw the line at dinner out with friends – generally that is the camp I fall into, but that has more to do with I’m just not into going to clubs. If her choices of activities is an issue, but it’s one you will need to discuss with her – not demand. Ask yourself this, though. Is the request based on jealousy? If it is, you need to figure out where the jealousy is coming from – what’s going on. Until you can figure that out, you’ll still be dealing with this, down the road.

Oh – generally I am pretty laid back. I think my husband thought I really didn’t get very jealous. Not true – I just expressed some jealousy the other night. Difference is, we discussed it – it’s over. It was fleeting and had more to do with the fact that our time has been crazy, lately. We’ve been here, there and everywhere. Hectic, crazy!

VzzBzz's avatar

I have two observations on this:
1) a person who appears not to ever be jealous may have really stable control over their emotional responses
2) they don’t give a damn because they are no longer vested in the relationship

blaksquid's avatar

well i hope shes vested in the relationship vzzbzz, we’ve only been married 4 months. you think that because she doesn’t show her emotions the way i do, that she doesn’t love me anymore?

DeanV's avatar

In my opinion jealousy is human nature. Everybody gets jealous, it’s just that some get more jealous than others. And some are just really good at hiding it. I doubt your wife never gets jealous, she may just be good at hiding it.

VzzBzz's avatar

@blaksquid: I’d hate for that to be the case with you and hope not but like I say, these are two things that jumped to my mind right away since I’ve seen them happen, first hand.

wundayatta's avatar

I think you get jealous because you don’t really trust your wife. If you were totally confident about her, nothing would bother you. You’d know she was yours.

This is not a good sign. From what you say about being insecure, and her going out of town, it sounds like you don’t feel equal in the relationship. I hope it’s not her that makes you feel that way, because if she contributes to it, by belittling you, or diminishing your contribution to the marriage, that is a serious problem.

Where does your insecurity come from? Do you feel like you don’t deserve to have her? Like you just got lucky, and somehow pulled the wool over her eyes? Are you depressed? Do you have low self-esteem? If you are secretly wondering how she could have married a _______ (fill in the blank) like you… not good.

It might help if you guys really worked on your relationship. Maybe counseling. If you aren’t equal, then you will feel jealous, because you can’t trust that she really loves you.

How old are you? How long was your courtship? Is the marriage supported by family and friends? Are you isolated from family and friends? Does her family like you, or do they think she could have done better? There is so much that can go into jealousy. It’s hard to know, from here, what to advise, except for counseling.

cak's avatar

@daloon – after he asked another question – I am really wondering how long they dated and were engaged. Something seems like they, or he, didn’t have enough time to mature into this relationship – does that make sense? There is still a lot of the foundation work to do in this one.

wundayatta's avatar

@cak I agree. I think it sounds that way, anyway. We won’t know for sure, unless he tells us.

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