General Question

qualitycontrol's avatar

Why do I feel so sad about my gf doing this?

Asked by qualitycontrol (2570points) May 5th, 2009

I only have one day off a week to spend time with my gf. So I called her yesterday and she said she was goin out. She didn’t tell me where or with who and I didn’t ask because I’m not like that. Why do I feel so sad about this? Now it will be another week until we see each other. I understand she has a life and has things to do but I don’t understand why the one day out of the week I have time just for her she chooses to do something besides see me. Am I just being emotional and stupid? I hate feeling like this and I’m not sure how to tell her about this because then she thinks I’m accusing her of being unfaithful and it usually ends in a fight or no resolution. What can I do?

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121 Answers

kayysamm's avatar

Ask her about her day that day like what she did.
most likely she had a day out with friends and enjoyed herself or she had some errands that needed to be done. don’t think the worst of things. I used to do it all the time and it only hurts you. Just ask what she did and if it’s soemthign you don’t like say ” I only have one day a week off babe, I really wanted to spend it with you. So next time try to be free :) ’

it should work well.

spresto's avatar

It would depend on the situation. If this is the first time this has happened, you are probably just being paranoid and should not worry. However, if this is constantly reoccuring you might want to talk with her. I think you owe it to yourself to simply ask her if everything is okay between you.

qualitycontrol's avatar

She has done it before. I just hate the fact that I rearrange my schedule for her constantly to make time to see her. I work 7 days a week and go to school. She had the whole day off yesterday so I wanted to see her when I got off work. I guess I’m just not that important to her. She makes it worse by telling me she wishes she could see me everyday. I just wish I had a gf who wanted to see me as much I wanted to see her.

cak's avatar

@qualitycontrol – You two really need to talk. She could be taking the passive way of breaking up with you.

If she’s starting to do it, a lot…it’s probably a sign.

spresto's avatar

Sounds pretty harsh. I feel for you, really. Talk to her. I do not wish anything bad for you, but if the relationship is not what you were hoping for…

spresto's avatar

I have always felt passive break ups are a cowardly way of handling a relationship. It is not fair for the other person at all.

cak's avatar

@spresto I agree that one should be to the point and get it over with…don’t linger and don’t string someone!

spresto's avatar

@cak Thank you. It really is not fair.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Yeah, this sounds fishy to me, I’m sorry to say. If she was really into you, she’d make an effort to spend the one day she can with you. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. I would, too. It sounds like it’s time for a sit down talk with her.

spresto's avatar

@qualitycontrol Seriously, don’t put this off. If you aren’t on the phone with her now you are probably stalling. Call her and find out what is up.

gailcalled's avatar

@Qualitycontrol:

How could you not be sad? How can you not be angry? How could you not feel emotionally wounded? Try to talk; it is a reasonable topic for people who claim to care about each other deeply. If she gets defensive or hostile, *“throw the baggage out,” as Henry Higgins said for much less mean behavior.

*From My Failr Lady.)

spresto's avatar

@gailcalled Well said. @qualitycontrol I don’t know you, but I am sure you have a lot to offer somebody. Don’t be afraid.

qualitycontrol's avatar

I would like to talk to her about it but honestly I feel so disgusted by it I don’t even really want to see her face right now. And then I get so upset I feel like I’m being irrational and crazy when all I want to do is see the person I love. Am I being too sensitive? Is it right for a man to feel this way? What do I say to her? “I’m more important than what you have to do”? I don’t know how to put it into words. I always thought if you are in a relationship with someone that wanting to see them was a given. If we were together 4 or 5 days a week I would feel differently like if she needed some time to herself away from me but we hardly ever see each other. I’m just so tired of fighting for it. I love her to death but she keeps breaking my heart. She knows things like this affect me so I don’t know why she would do it. Thanks for the responses. I really have no one else to talk to about this, seems like everyone I know feels no emotions…

spresto's avatar

Yes you have every right to feel this. You are a man with feelings. Hell if it brings you to tears, more power to you. You have every right to these feelings. If you don’t want to see her, good. Ignore her for a while. Leave the cell phone at home and go out on your days off and have a good time without her. You don’t need the extra weight she is putting on you.

Have your sad moment. Get it out of your system then forget her until she comes looking for you.

qashqai's avatar

Anyway just talk to her, keeping things inside is useless.

(And dangerous)

Judi's avatar

If she gets so defensive and says your accusing her of cheating when you ask what she’s doing, well…. where there is smoke there may be fire. At the very least she is inconsiderate. You’re not married to her or anything, find someone who appreciates you and wants to spend time with you!

qualitycontrol's avatar

thanks, I think I’ll go sit in my car and cry on my break ;(

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@qualitycontrol That might be a good idea. Get some of those hurt feelings out of your system for a while. You’re not going to be able to concentrate on anything until you let go of some of that tension.

“I’m just so tired of fighting for it. I love her to death but she keeps breaking my heart.” Honey, if you have to fight for it, it’s not worth it. This is a one sided relationship. Don’t waste your time being stood up & hurt. Judi’s right, there’s someone out there who will love you back & not leave you wondering & feeling bad at every turn. Love should feel good, not hurtful.

The sooner you take this bull by the horns, the better off you’ll be.

qualitycontrol's avatar

I know, but when we are together she is always telling me she loves me and wants to be with me forever. I feel like if I break up with her I’ll break her heart in the process even though I’d be doing what’s best for me. I don’t want to hurt her but I just don’t think she is right one for me. Even when she does say nice things to me it doesn’t mean anything because then she does something like this and I get confused. If she loved me she would want to see me at lease once a week, right?

SeventhSense's avatar

Kick her to the curb.

elijah's avatar

If you only get one day a week to see her and she chooses her social life first, she is being disrespectful and rude. Just because she says she wishes she could see you more doesn’t make it true. Actions speak louder than words. You said you rearrange your schedule constantly for her, but yet she can’t even commit to one day a week. It sounds like you put in so much effort to make things work and she keeps basically slapping you in the face. Some girls don’t like when a guy is too available. I know it sounds harsh but you can only be treated as you allow yourself to be treated. You are letting her treat you this way. Put your foot down and demand the respect you deserve. You sound like a nice guy who just can’t speak up.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@qualitycontrol Yes, she would. In fact, she’d want to be with you MORE than once a week. I think her professions of love & wanting to be with you forever ring hollow. She has a funny way of showing it. Do you talk to her on the phone during the week? Does she promise to see you & then back out? You need someone whom you can depend on. You deserve better than this. You may hurt her at first, but what’s SHE doing to YOU??? It sounds like shse wants out, too.

qualitycontrol's avatar

yes, I am a nice guy, push over, pussy, however you put it, that is me. I would love to be one of those guys who is able to demand respect but every time I try people either laugh at me or say I’m being an asshole. I’ve tried many times to be a “manly man” and have had no success because I just don’t know how. Sooner or later I revert to my old self of being a people pleaser. I pretty much neglect other things in my life like work, school and family to make time to see her. We didn’t have plans for yesterday but she knows it’s my only night I have to see her. She knew it would upset me if she did it. and I don’t know what too available means I have a very busy life before she is even in the picture, there is no way I’m too available. I only have one day away from my other activities that allow time for her. I do call her once a day to ask her how she’s doing and how her day was and that’s it. I don’t smother her or bother her at all.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Okay, back off from calling her every day. Call her every OTHER day. Let HER wonder where you are. Does she call you? You say you don’t smother her or bother her, but does she really feel that way to herself?

You say she knew it would upset you if she didn’t see you. Man, oh man. She needs an attitude adjustment. That’s just mean!

I think she’s treating you like this because she knows she can. Stand up for yourself, QC. It’s one thing to be a people pleaser, but don’t be her door mat!

qualitycontrol's avatar

I used to call her every other day but then she would get upset that I didn’t call her. Being a doormat is all I know how to do. I see myself as pretty much nothing so I don’t know how to act any different. How do I verbalize “standing up” to someone?

SeventhSense's avatar

@qualitycontrol
You don’t have to be an asshole but some women(and men) will be disrespectful if they feel they can manipulate you. Just be confident in your position and if she’s down with it cool and if not move on. You might surprise yourself how strong you can be. Don’t ever think that it’s wrong to be sensitive or feel deeply but it’s unwise to wear your heart on your sleeve with some people. Don’t cast your pearls before swine and if you consciously start to discipline yourself to hold back a little it will help you. You’re only responsible for 50%. If you go further then you are setting yourself up to be hurt. Be strong and there’s nothing wrong with some cocky and funny. Just remember that your goal is not to get anyone’s approval. You don’t need it. Find your inner strength and then you can be the one who brings it. But if people are used to a different you they might take offense, but adjust the level and let ‘em get used to it.
You can’t imagine the things that people have said about me at times but it’s all good. Bad press is sometimes better than good press.:)~
Women are like kittens with yarn- just give them enough string to keep ‘em interested but hold onto the balls.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

The next time you see her in person, you need to have a sit down heart to heart talk. I’m sure you know that. Just tell her that you’re tired of her backing out on your days together. Stand firm. Don’t waffle. You may not be used to doing this kind of thing, but you sure don’t need this to go onlike this.

Man, If I’d treated my husband like this when were were dating, he’d have been outta there fast.

If you see yourself as a nothing, she’s picking up on that & acting on it. You’re NOT a nothing, you’re somebody who’s going to school & working. Do you know how special that is? You’re not lazy. You want to make somehing out of yourself. If she’s not mature enough to see that, move along to someone who does.

In order for someone to respect you, you have to respect yourself, honey. Demand to be treated better or you’re history.

rmolnar's avatar

I would be pretty pissed if the roles were reversed and I worked 6 days a week and only had 1 day to spend with my boyfriend. I don’t think that’s acceptable.

Why couldn’t you go out with her that night? That’s what i would say. Then you also have to ask yourself why the 1 night you can hang out with her would she not wanta hang out with you…. is she maybe not that into you anymore, or what’s the real reason…?

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@SeventhSense “Women are like kittens with yarn- just give them enough string to keep ‘em interested but hold onto the balls.”

Good one. :-)

Judi's avatar

@qualitycontrol ; if you see yourself as a doormat then how can you expect anyone to treat you otherwise? I would spend my one day off with a counselor who could help you with your self esteem issues. If you don’t take care of yourself you have nothing to bring to a relationship. You need to find the value in yourself before you can expect anyone else to treat you with value. It’s a hard road, (that’s why a counselor could help) but you need to focus on yourself. There is much better out there for you once you start loving yourself first.

sjmc1989's avatar

If a girlfriend really cares and wants the relationship she would try to rearrange her schedule as well to see you. I had a boyfriend that I would constantly rearrange plans, and work for to spend time with. He would just do whatever he wanted and get mad if I got upset with him for not trying but, of course if there was a night he got lonely and really wanted me with him I was the one who didnt care! Sorry for the rant Anyway if she truly cared she wouldnt do what she is doing

You seem like a nice caring guy who deserves better. Find a girl that will put in as much effort as you do. It will be far less stress. PROMISE!

joybells34's avatar

Any girlfriend that can’t wait to see her boyfriend every week would never make plans with friends on the only day she could see him. My guess is seeing you wasn’t 100% important to her. I’m sorry to say that because you seem like such a nice guy.

sjmc1989's avatar

Oh yeah and @SeventhSense The whole kitten thing is very true Im a cute little kitten but im a declawed kitten Far less dangerous with the balls.

SeventhSense's avatar

I don’t mind the claws… As long as you don’t mind a prick.

sjmc1989's avatar

@SeventhSense Never have before :)

qualitycontrol's avatar

She doesn’t get it that I work 3 jobs, 7 days a week and go to school at night because I want to put down money on a house for us. It’s been tough on both of us but school is over this week so we will have more time together. But now I feel like if she doesn’t even want to see me. I feel like I just took a dagger in the heart.

SeventhSense's avatar

@qualitycontrol
You’re planning on buying a house with this girl?
Think man THINK.

sjmc1989's avatar

I have felt this way before and having someone that you love and care about make you feel as though you are nothing to them anymore hurts. If you honestly feel this way you need to talk to her about how it makes you feel.

Either she will change her ways and start trying just as hard as you are or she will continue not putting forth effort and then you will know your in it alone in this relationship and Seriouslly LISTEN TO SEVENTHSENSE and THINK before doing that!

qualitycontrol's avatar

not with her, I am going to buy it myself, if we are still together then she will live with me.

WakeUp's avatar

Let me guess. You treat her real well, buy her all kinds of stuff, and try to make her happy in as many ways as you can?

Duhhhhh. Thats not how “men” act, didnt you know? She’s out right now with some dude who is rolling his eyes at her and not calling her back.

Girls say they want nice, sensitive guys, but guess what? Nice and sensitive are FEMININE attributes, and if you exhibit them, it makes you a BITCH. They can see it quicker than anyone and will be instinctively turned-off by it.

Stop tricking, start pimping.

qualitycontrol's avatar

But I have no idea how else to act. What am I supposed to do smack and punch her in the face so she knows I’m a man? Where do you draw the line? Do I insult and call her names until she cries? Do I sleep with other women behind her back? Do I never call her ever again? Do I talk shit behind her back about how I banged her? WTF Do I Do? Please tell me what “men” do because I have no frickin idea…She doesn’t call me if I didn’t call her we would never communicate ever again probably. Please tell how a man should act because I’m stumped. I thought girls liked it when a man was nice to them, brought them flowers, said nice things, gave them compliments, tell them you love them, etc, I mean we’ve been together 9 months now how am I supposed to change the “act”?? Shed some light on what a typical man does so that I may learn how to be a man god dammit!

Judi's avatar

They walk away if they are not getting what they need from the relationship. (No drama required.)

joybells34's avatar

@qualitycontrol A man talks rationally. If she doesn’t want to listen to what you have to say when you tell her how bad that you are hurting then you need to move on. Qualitycontrol seems like you are putting everything you have into this relationship and getting very little back. Living together won’t solve it. Screaming and yelling won’t solve it. If you have to work this hard and be this hurt then just back up. Evaluate who you are and what you need. A girl doesn’t define you. What do you think is right?

SeventhSense's avatar

She doesn’t call me if I didn’t call her we would never communicate ever again probably.
And you want to be with someone who feels this way towards you why?
As joybells says, she doesn’t define you dude.

qualitycontrol's avatar

I’m thinking it would be best to not even bring this up to her because then I look like more of a bitch. Should I just make it look like I don’t care to her so that she may see that I’m a “man”?

sjmc1989's avatar

NO!!! If you have to do this to keep her she isnt the one you need to be with. Dont let people think you have to be an inconsiderate asshole to have a girlfriend if you do this YOU WILL have a relationship BUT most likely it will be a meaningless one that will not last.

joybells34's avatar

@qualitycontrol I think you need to stop calling her. Let her take a step back and say “damn he isn’t calling me” “I wonder why?” Let her come to you for a change!!!!!

SeventhSense's avatar

Should I just make it look like I don’t care to her so that she may see that I’m a “man”?
No, do this for you and if she can see it or not has no bearing on your esteem. If you can see this pattern clearly, you’re actually being more manipulative then she is because you’re trying to make her see. Can you recall the most influential women in your life who you really wanted to show what a good boy you were? Go back, waaaay back. Do you think a woman wants this from her man except on “special occasions”?

gailcalled's avatar

Dear qualitycontrol. You have received over 40 excellent answers, saying basically the same thing. So you have to stop repeating yourself and do some work. See a therapist for several sessions, for example, to learn some methods of taking care of yourself.

Human relations are complex and using umbrella words like “bitch” or “man” gives you nothing to work with.

Judi's avatar

You need to be yourself. You need to do a lot of self examination (without the distraction, of a woman.) You need to stop accepting the unacceptable. There are plenty of women out there, but before you will be able to function in a relationship you need to be content in yourself. You have a lot of self loathing going on. ” A MAN” is confidant in himself, knows his value and does not need a woman to validate him. It is more than what he says or how he acts. It is confidence in himself. That’s harder than “what words should I say.” It Is not what you say to her that matters here, it is what you are saying to yourself.

qualitycontrol's avatar

I have read all the answers here and I can see the problem lies within me. I don’t know to change myself to be a “confident man”. Where do I even begin? Everyone treats me like shit, like a child, sometimes like a girl. I never had a father I grew up with my mother and sister. How can I begin to change who I’ve been my entire life? How can I erase bad things that happened to me as a child?

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Joybells has it. Stop calling her. You’re making yourself crazy over this & it doesn’t sound like she’s worth it.

You can’t erase things that happened to you in your childhood. It’s in the past…let it go. But you DO have some control over what you do now. I think if you step up to the plate & assert yourself more forcefully, people will react to you in return. It’d probably take a while for people to get used to the new you, but I bet they’d adjust & respect you more for it. Please take control. Just because you grew up in a house full of women doesn’t mean you can’t man up. It doesn’t give the world the right to run over you.

Judi's avatar

Counseling is a good place to start. Some employers have employee assistance programs that can help hook you up. In the absence of that start with positive affirmations. A quick google search gave me this short list:
I deserve to be happy and successful
I have the power to change myself
I can forgive and understand others and their motives

I can make my own choices and decisions
I am free to choose to live as I wish and to give priority to my desires
I can choose happiness whenever I wish no matter what my circumstances
I am flexible and open to change in every aspect of my life
I act with confidence having a general plan and accept plans are open to alteration
It is enough to have done my best
I deserve to be loved
Paste it (or anything else you need to be telling yourself) to your mirror and your computer screen. Read it every day, several times a day. You need to change your self talk.

Macaulay's avatar

Why are you wasting your time with each other?

joybells34's avatar

@qualitycontrol you can’t erase the things that happened to you as a child but you can DEAL with them.

Supacase's avatar

Walk away from her. She is not treating you with respect. The only problem with you is that you allow it. I know you love her, but real love is a two way street of respect and compromise. She is using you because she thinks you will always be there when it suits her no matter what she does the rest of the time.

I know a guy who had a relationship very much like this. His GF would often cancel plans with him to go out to clubs with her friends. She could have at least invited him to come along, but no. She would “need some space” and break up with him, the get back together. On & off, hot & cold… but any time she got into trouble (like when she lost her wallet in Europe) she would call him for help – even if she was on one of her breaks from him.

She thought he would always let her get away with it. He finally met someone else and she whined, argued and begged trying to get him back. She was stunned that he rejected her and stuck to his guns. He didn’t do it as a scare tactic, he meant it. He had finally had enough.

Oh, and now he is happy. Honest.

Judi's avatar

@Supacase ; great example. My daughter was not a really good GF to her first love and basically treated him like crap. Him finally dumping her was the best thing that ever happened to her. It made her evaluate who she was and how she treated people. She made a life transformation and is now one of the nicest people I know. He husband is very lucky and thankful to the guy for finally not putting up with her crap and forcing her to see how awful she was. He got the worst of her and her husband got the best.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

I just blew your picture up. You are a handsome guy! It wouldn’t be hard to find someone that would treat you right. Don’t settle for this treatment. There are a lot of girls out there who will appreciate you. Go find one.

qualitycontrol's avatar

thanks, I think I will

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@qualitycontrol Good for you. Starting today, change your thinking on this girl (if you can) & go do something positive FOR YOU! You deserve it. :-)

sjmc1989's avatar

@jbfletcherfan I know probably stupid question but I have been wondering how to blow up people’s pictures without them being blurry. How do you do this??

flameboi's avatar

sorry qc
What you should do? explore the posibility of a new gf, examine other beauties… It seems that you have different expectations and that she is not 100% interested in keeping things alive and running…

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@sjmc1989 Not a stuipd question. Right click on their avatar. Go to properties. Highlight their URL address & click copy. X out of that screen. Go to your browser & paste it in. Use your backspace key & take out “_thumb”. Hit enter & there you go.

SeventhSense's avatar

You find confidence by acting honestly and being true to yourself FIRST. Whether someone understands you or not is not as important as you feeling good about yourself in your core being. You take care of those things in your life which are significant to you- your job, interests, health and enjoyment. Eventually others will take you seriously because you are being authentic. If they don’t respect you for being authentic, it is a reflection of their own dishonesty but you don’t abandon yourself in the process of trying to make someone like you.

It’s not an act but comes from truly knowing yourself and coming from a place of authenticity. You allow other’s space to be themselves as well. If they communicate well with you, then you qualify the nature of that communication to see if it jibes with you. Again you don’t abandon yourself to please another. Think of it as more acting and less reacting. Eventually over time, when there’s a respect and a bond shown you can act selflessly but only when deeply validated through mutual trust in the other person. Never as anything other than an expression of true affection and never with strings.

And having strong female influences is not bad. It can actually make you a stronger man. It’s a sign of the times that there are far too many boys being brought up by single women because there were other men who couldn’t do their job and many women without strong paternal influences but that’s no excuse. You can be your own parent.
Make a decision and think of this as a painful learning experience.

P.S.- This is equally valid in almost any relationship. Men as well as women respect this

sjmc1989's avatar

@jbfletcherfan Thank you! And your right he is far to handsome to be putting up with this.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@sjmc1989 Glad to help. :-}

Yes, he is! Wish he was near my 18 year old granddaughter. She just dumped her loser BF. Good riddance!

qualitycontrol's avatar

lol thanks girls! I deserve better!

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@qualitycontrol You sure do! Go after it!

Judi's avatar

But work on loving yourelf before you jump into another toxic relationship!

meowsamantha's avatar

It’s because you care about her and you really would like to spend time with her,
but she already has plans, so it makes you feel like you’re less important.

Or, like she’d rather do something else.
That’s how I would feel at least.

I think that it’s completely normal to feel this way.
So, don’t think that something’s wrong with you!

qualitycontrol's avatar

Well she is helping me to not love myself by making me feel shitty. But I’ve realized that I don’t need her to be me. I was fine before she ever came along, it was just nice being with her. She still hasn’t called me but I am so done with her it doesn’t even matter. I am not going to take this anymore. I dropped one of my classes just to make some time for her and this is how she thanks me. I can’t help to think she hung out with some other guy that night. But anyways, I’m an intelligent, hardworking, caring man who deserves much better than what she is giving me. I’m no longer sad but furious about what she has done to me and I sincerely never want to see or talk to her ever again. It won’t take her long to see that she’ll never find anyone like me to be with her but I can find someone much better than her. She’ll see, just like my other ex girlfriends who start calling me a couple months later telling me they miss me after I’ve already moved on. Thanks for all the replies and the advice everyone, GA’s across the board!

jbfletcherfan's avatar

I was just going to drop in here to see how you were this morning. I’m glad to see that you’re taking a stand on this & sticking up for yourself. I think that’s the key here, honey. Stand up for yourself!

You dropped a class for her? Good God! Get that class back, if you can, & show her that you’re not going to let her dominate your days anymore. Be the captain of your ship. It may be hard for a few days, but in the end, you’re finally putting yourself first. Until you’re through school & get your career underway, that’s how it should be. I wish you the very best of luck. :-}

qualitycontrol's avatar

thanks again, you all have empowered, I’m not bending over backwards for anyone anymore, especially girls who treat me like I’m their puppy dog. I’m all set with that ;) I really need to focus on my school and my career right now and this whole semester pretty much went down the tube because I was so distracted. But not anymore. If she wanted to call me that’s fine but never again will I go running to her.

gailcalled's avatar

@qualitycontrol : Good for you, Remember, though, your school might have some free counseling. You will find it very helpful to get the same advice from a paid and trained professional. Sometimes it is hard to hold fast and not cave in without a little assistance. It’s a bit like having a broken bone try to knit without a cast.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@gailcalled Yeah, but we’re FREE, LOL.

@qualitycontrol This is good to see from you. Just remember to put yourself first from now on.

sjmc1989's avatar

@qualitycontrol I am so happy that you realize that you have qualities that women would love and you dont have to change yourself to be with someone. I was in you exact same position in DEC. As soon as I got over the first break up blues I put a smile on my face and went out because I knew that not every guy will treat me like my ex and Im a pretty awesome person that people would like to get to know (which seems to ring true for you as well :) Yes the ex started calling as soon as he saw I could be happy and self-sufficient without him, and I dont like to relish in other peoples pain but It was nice to say NO to him for once. And Im just letting you know when she does come back and you tell her there is no chance of you being with her again she will probably be very persistant just because you have never said No to her before. Stick with it and find yourself a beautiful, intellegent, and sweet girl Of course do not rush into it. Things will fall into place exactly how they should in time. Be confident and Stay a nice guy there will be a girl eventually that wont take advantage of you kindness. GOOD LUCK!!

WakeUp's avatar

Word up, homie! Tell the girls its all about P.aper I.n M.y P.ocket from now on!

With money, comes girls. But girls, will not get you money (unless you put them on the corner).

Yay for misogyny!

Really though, its good to see you standing on your feet.

As far as your family background, you are not alone. Check this out EL-P Stepfather Factory Last Good Sleep and Constellation Funk

gailcalled's avatar

@jbfletcherfan: True, but often it is paying the bill that makes the therapy sink in.

@qualitycontrol: Never listen to any advice that starts by cheering misogyny, calls you “homie,” and suggests pimping, even in jest.

qualitycontrol's avatar

@gailcalled, @jbfletcherfan and @sjmc1989 thank you all. I still have not talked to her since Monday, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to say to her but it’s going to be something along the lines of: you don’t treat me right and you aren’t going to hurt me like this anymore, I just don’t want to be with you anymore. This is if she decides to give me call. If she doesn’t call me within a week I’m just going to assume she’s all done too. That is fine with me because it just isn’t worth it. Thanks for the advice. Oh and p.s. what do I do if she starts crying?

gailcalled's avatar

Give her a handkerchief and leave the room, asap.

sjmc1989's avatar

@qualitycontrol Well I was going to say give her a hug and just calmly explain how you feel and why you need to do what you are doing but hugging can lead to you becoming soft so…
^See gailcalled’s answer above^

gailcalled's avatar

@qualitycontrol: You are still giving her all the power. You have to assume that you are done, no matter how she manipulates you. You are still not really processing all the advice given here.

“This is if she decides to give me (a) call. If she doesn’t call me within a week I’m just going to assume she’s all done too. That is fine with me because it just isn’t worth it. Thanks for the advice. Oh, what do I do if she starts crying?”

qualitycontrol's avatar

No, I’m not giving her “all the power”. I was just wondering what the best reaction to this would be.

qualitycontrol's avatar

I know you must think that I’ll cave but I won’t. She can’t control me anymore. Besides I get the feeling she doesn’t want to be with anymore so it will work out well for the both of us. No more pain on either end.

sjmc1989's avatar

Thats what most people thought about me too. I know your strong enough to go through with it. You will do GREAT!! Remember this for all your future relationships.

elijah's avatar

Why worry about her feelings if she didn’t give a shit about yours? Don’t let her actions be washed away by her tears. It is not mean to stand up for yourself. You shouldn’t blow up, scream and yell because you may scare her. Also calm and firm language works better than emotional outbursts. Being an asshole is just as bad as being a door mat, so do not follow @WakeUp ‘s advice.
You have to put yourself first now. Iinstead of feeling guilt for making her sad, feel pride for standing up to someone who has abused you for the last time.

qualitycontrol's avatar

You’re both right. It’s just going to be tough ya know. But I must do it for me. ps elijah why did you change your name from elijahsuicide?

elijah's avatar

I’m being less morbid these days :)

Judi's avatar

If she starts crying, THIS is the classy way to handle it.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@qualitycontrol Yes, it’s going to be tough. But you know that going in. She may cry…probably will. Steel yourself against those hystrionics. She’ll turn on the waterworks & think that you’ll cave. Thing about what we’ve all told you. Do this for YOU.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@Judi Hahahaaaaaaa. Good one. There you go, Tom. If Clark Gable can do it, so can you!

joybells34's avatar

@qualitycontrol so a day or two has passed since this subject with your gf first started. How are you doing?

elijah's avatar

Yes, I’ve been wondering about you today.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Hi…what’s going on with Miss Personality? Give us an update.

SeventhSense's avatar

@qualitycontrol
Do you actually think a woman can help you with this problem? IT’S NOT A JOB FOR A WOMAN but your attitude is telling: you want women’s approval.

You said it yourself that you were raised by a Mom and a sister. How did it work out? Did you find out all about talking to women about your feelings and get all the good advice about how important this is? And how did this play out? A woman may be capable of giving you good advice on this subject because she can understand it, but you need it from a man. The mother nurtures and the father has the tough job of kicking baby bird out of the nest. Stop coddling the yin in you and ACKNOWLEDGE THE YANG. Not just me although that would be nice , but your own.
A man offers you his hard earned experience and you disrespect him because you can’t see that what he’s offering you is not a tit to suckle but a fucking solution. I’ve been through my 20’s and thirties. I’ve been with every flavor of woman imaginable. I’ve been there, done that so if I give you gold, you best at least give me a thank you. This is what men do-they help other men. Women, God bless ‘em I love ‘em but they can not make a man. They don’t have it anymore than you can make a woman.

And you think this last one was bad? Wait until you marry a girl like this and she has your balls for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And of course this is not all women, but you will attract the predators. Oh and when they smell boy blood…
Why do you think they call ‘em cougars and not kittens at one point?

sjmc1989's avatar

@SeventhSense I have made plenty of little boys into men. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

SeventhSense's avatar

@sjmc1989
Well I have no doubt you could make a dead man come…to his senses.;)
But this is aaaall abooooout meeeee…..I’m still waiting for my props.

sjmc1989's avatar

@SeventhSense You might have made a couple of good points and gave some pretty good advice. OK I bow to your wisdom Oh Great One :) Good Enough??

jbfletcherfan's avatar

This isn’t about either one of you. Take it off the board. Let’s hear from QC!!!!!!

SeventhSense's avatar

@sjmc1989
Well it’s not really about the stroking although I must admit that’s nice, It’s about knowing that your experience was not in vain and can help out a brother of a different mother.

qualitycontrol's avatar

haha wow I didn’t know people were still reading this…
I failed to mention that I work with my gf. We work in separate departments so we never talk or see each other but I saw her allll day today. But, we still have not talked about this. I do not feel like I am the one who should call her, she should be the one to call me because in my opinion she’s the one who did wrong. I talked to an older friend from work today and he told me it’s my fault I feel this way and that I shouldn’t be upset or feel bad because she didn’t want to see me. He said I am being egotistical and that I just need to “understand” her. This is coming from an older man who’s married.
@SeventhSense: No, there wasn’t really a lot of talking about feelings, it was more my mom beating the piss out of my sister and I if we didn’t clean the house good enough by the time she got home from work, or if we were seen by one of our “uncles”. I never really saw her when I was younger because she worked a lot and she had a bunch of different boyfriends that confused the shit out of me. I moved out when I was 18 because she’s still crazy. I met my dad when I was 17. I wasn’t “man” enough for him either. I would love to have him “toughen” me up but he lives in another country and is a severe alcoholic.
Anyhow, enough of my childhood. The bottom line is no matter what I can’t change the way I feel. If somone loves another person they would never do anything to make them feel like I do right now. I’m extremely depressed because I miss her so much. Honestly I just feel like dying. I am angry at her for how she treated me but she’s all I have. There is still no way I’ll call her and apologize—like I usually do when we have a fight. If she wants to be with me she MUST change how SHE treats ME. I will not change for her and be more of a “man” or whatever I’m supposed to be. I am me and that’s all I know how to be. I’m not an asshole who hits on girls or is rude to them. I’m just myself. Yes, I actually CARE about them and I’m not ashamed of it. I guess I’m a little over sensitive at times but if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be me. I actually thought she would have called me by now but still nothing. I guess she just really does not want to be with me, which makes me feel worse. I just don’t know what to do anymore and I really don’t want to be alone. Thanks for all the advice and responses. You guys are like my own personal therapist haha.

gailcalled's avatar

Dar Qualtiy Control; Please use breaks and paragraphs. This was tough on the old eyes.

That said, you are still waiting for her to change her behavior. That is, repeating myself, giving her all the power. And you might like our advice but you are not taking it. You are simply repeating your position and POV, which has not worked and does not seem to be working now. I’m signing off. Good luck.

SeventhSense's avatar

@qualitycontrol
Well that took balls to write that. Good for you. My advice would be to just get lost in activity. Occupy yourself so you don’t think about it. It may feel that she’s all you have but that’s the time to realize that your conviction and sense of self is strong enough to stand alone regardless of her “support”. You were shown a tremendous amount of support and compliments from the members here. Now it’s up to you to decide if you’re going to accept that or not. And it’s very good that you expressed that last bit about your Mom and your experience living with her.

I had it all wrong. Here I am imagining that a coddling is what you’re seeking but I’m guessing to you a woman who treats you like shit and abandons you is “home”…as strange as that might sound. I would really try to look into this and rather than be overwhelmed by these emotion, look to the reasons why you are so blown away by another “woman not being there for you”. This is textbook psychology.
Just own it and you will be the man.

qualitycontrol's avatar

@gailcalled: Yeah well I’m trying ok. I’m doing much better than I was jeeze give me points for progress! If this was a month ago I would have called her crying that I’m sorry and I don’t want to lose her…like I have in the past. So as weak as I seem I’m doing much better than I was. And yes I am going to give her a chance to change the way she treats me if she still wants to be with me. If not then I can’t continue on this way. It just isn’t that often that a girl is interested in me so I know I’ll be alone for a while after this is over.
@SeventhSense: Yeah I’ve never really talked about my childhood with anyone until right now, except for with my sister…needless to say she’s worse off than me in her relationships. A lot of my friends have told me my gf is really immature. I’ve always wanted a gf since I was really young like around 5 years old. When I look for a gf now I’m looking for a wife, someone who will always be there and support me because I honestly just want to make the family I never had. I want to get married, buy a house, have kids and get a dog, all that. My girlfriend being the immature person she is doesn’t seem to get it or get me for that matter.

SeventhSense's avatar

A. Girlfriend
someone who will always be there
B. Mother
I really never saw her as a youngster because she worked a lot

Do you notice a similarity between A and B?

You will never really have the right A until you work out your feelings and history with B. You will transfer and it will be disatrous.

qualitycontrol's avatar

But how do I do that?

WakeUp's avatar

If you find out, let me know. Its an old saying that guys wind up marrying their mother.

Take some LSD and try to envision the family life you would have chosen for yourself, your idea of the happy family. Navigate through every detail, like watching a movie in your brain. Pay close attention to what happens at around the age you are now. You will see that is what not your actions that were lacking, you were probably a good son. Its the issues your mom was having that affected you, in the sense that you feel you aren’t good enough, or you didn’t please her (paging Dr. Freud).

Just try to extrapolate the ‘brain movie’ as far as possible. See what you would be doing in 5 years, 10, etc. You’ll see that in a “healthy” family dynamic, your mother would display her affection toward you, and you would feel satisfied knowing you are living up to her expectations. Follow very closely what comes next.

Watch how differently ‘you’ act under those circumstances. This should give you some perspective on what changes need to be made in order to become the ‘you’ you really want to be, instead of being pushed around by circumstance.

Now, you can listen to all these women telling you not to listen to someone who says “homie”, but something tells me you and me have more in common than you and them. Besides, everyone knows girls don’t really say what they mean ;)

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@WakeUp Good God!!!!!!!!

elijah's avatar

Yeah, because girls are stuuupiiid. Duh!

qualitycontrol's avatar

Well either way I’m done being tricked, manipulated, controlled and shit on by this girl. I still have some self esteem and self worth left. The best thing for me now is to take care of me and focus on my shit. If any woman wants to be apart of my life that’s fine but I’m not putting my shit on hold for someone else.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

Good attitude there! Keep it up. It’s never too late to turn your life around & stand up for yourself. Keep checking in with us. We obviously care.

SeventhSense's avatar

@qualitycontrol
But how do I do that?

A good therapist..

gailcalled's avatar

I would second a good therapist. You are thinking about the correct issues but going in circles. You need someone to point you in the right direction and help you see that your wonderful qualities really dramatically outweigh the flaws (which we all have.)

qualitycontrol's avatar

I’m so so so sad she hasn’t called. What do I do with myself? She’s all I think about and I can’t seem to focus on anything. I’m very busy too I work 7 days a week! My work performance is goin down the tubes cuz of this which never happens. I honestly just don’t want to live anymore! I don’t know what hurts more, being without her or being with and have her do something that makes me feel bad. I’m sick over this. I think about it so much I get stomach pains and feel nauseous. I don’t know what to do!!

elijah's avatar

Breaking up with someone is hard. You are sitting there waiting for her to call and apologize and change her ways. This was her passive way of telling you it’s over. Think about why you want her. She is abusive and manipulative, and you are letting her do these things. You have no right to complain about her behavior if youre going to let her do it. Either you want to stay with her and continue this one sided relationship (which obviously she doesn’t even want) or you’re going to stop idolizing her and move on. You aren’t sick over losing her, you’re sick because you’re afraid you don’t deserve someone better. She isn’t a keeper. Dont be afraid! It’s ok to be sad over the end of a relationship, but you’re confusing your own insecurities with love. Like everyone else said, please go talk to someone. You need help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’ve all been there.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

You’re letting this take over your life here. Yes, it’s hard. But you’ve got to know that in the long run, it’s the best thing you can do. Don’t let it affect your school or job. Do you really want to go back with her & let her run your days with maybe a little attention from her? What are you missing? Someone who isn’t there anyway?

Take this day by day. It’s going to take some getting used to to get her out of your system. But in the long run, you’ll be the better for it. She’s not worth all this pain. You’re better than that. Hang in there. Things will turn around. When you find someone else down the road who does treat you good, you’ll wonder what the hell you waited so long for to give her the boot.

gailcalled's avatar

“I’m so so so sad she hasn’t called. What do I do with myself? She’s all I think about and I can’t seem to focus on anything. I’m very busy too I work 7 days a week! My work performance is goin down the tubes cuz of this which never happens. I honestly just don’t want to live anymore! I don’t know what hurts more, being without her or being with and have her do something that makes me feel bad. I’m sick over this. I think about it so much I get stomach pains and feel nauseous. I don’t know what to do!!”

This is your response after over 110 answers that suggest you need a therapist or clergyperson to help. It seems you are simply repeating how miserable you are, over and over. Go find someone to help you. Stop asking us for advice; we have told you in every possible manner. You are not listening but getting more and more depressed. THERE IS HELP OUT THERE. Get off the computer. You have serious family issues to sort out; how you were raised (and it sounds very distructive) defines who you are now. THAT CAN ALSO BE SORTED OUT.

gailcalled's avatar

If you are really feeling suicidal, call a suicide hotline now. NOW, NOW.

1–800-273-TALK (x8255

1–800-784–2433

DIRECTORY INFORMATION – You may call 411 (in the U.S.) and ask for one of the following:

• suicide prevention,
• crisis intervention,
• community crisis center or,
• county mental health center.
.

gailcalled's avatar

And if you are in Boston:

BOSTON

The Samaritans of Boston
www.samaritansofboston.org
24 hours / 7 days
Befriending Hotline
(617) 247–0220
.
Samariteens
1–800-252-TEEN
1–800-252–8336
2pm-11pm Teen to Teen
11pm-2pm Adult to Teen

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