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C52000's avatar

What would you do if you found out that your parents didn't like your SO?

Asked by C52000 (12points) May 19th, 2009

I’m having a hard time here. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, and I love him. We’ve talked about getting married, and I think that if everything goes right, I would someday.

I usually value their opinions, but I was getting this weird vibe from my mom tonight when his name came up, and when I asked her flat out, “Do you not like him?” she told me flat out, no. She said she couldn’t put her finger on anything in particular, but she had a “bad feeling about him”, and she told me that my dad felt the same way. She agreed that he seemed nice and good to me, etc etc, but when I asked her what she would do if I ever did want to marry him, she wouldn’t answer the question.

I’m very torn and conflicted. I feel very…unsettled. And sad.

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26 Answers

YARNLADY's avatar

What I did was marry him without their permission, since I was over 18.

DarkScribe's avatar

It is not uncommon and unpleasant though it is, there is no cure other than time.

IBERnineD's avatar

If my parents thought that, I would take it into consideration, but my mom used to be a social worker, and is very insightful when it comes to people. Maybe you could ask her to be more specific. You could also be specific to her about why you love him, and that might be good for her to hear, maybe to sooth her worries. In the end the choice is always yours, and if he makes you truly happy, she will find a way to be okay with him. Good Luck!

cookieman's avatar

My mother also disliked my SO and claimed my father felt the same. When asked, my father denied this. Seeing as how my mother is a pathologically lying narcicist, I took it with a sizeable grain of salt.

If, however, you mom is sane, I would follow @IBERnineD‘s advice.

MacBean's avatar

I’m not sure what I’d do. My parents (especially my dad) have very good people-sense. And usually I do, too. So if they really didn’t like someone and I really did, I’d be extremely bothered and confused.

My sister didn’t listen to their (and my) opinions of the guy she was with and now she’s having a hard time getting out of an abusive marriage. Then again, she’d only known the guy for a couple of months. They’d met online, had only seen each other in person twice, and she was already pregnant. And both of them are born-again Christians, so… Yeah, completely different (and totally insane) situation.

I agree with @IBERnineD‘s advice, too. If you sit her down to discuss this and you’re specific about what you love about him, that may help her to be more specific, too. I know a lot of the time when people ask me why I like or dislike someone, I can’t quite find the words until someone offers an opposing opinion for me to work from. Once her grievances are on the table, you may be able to see things that she’s misinterpreting about him and offer explanations that could make her feel better.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

How old are you? I’ve been in this situation with someone before but he was disliked for a completely understandable reason because he actually personally attacked my parents and family, police were involved and so was a restraining order, he was also the biggest douche on the planet. I think that if he hasent really done anything personally to make your parents dislike him they will eventually get over it, take him to the house, talk about him, maybe your mother is afraid you’re getting too serious but let her know that you know what you’re doing.

My boyfriends mom doesn’t like me and she’s never even met me can’t win em all

laureth's avatar

Parents and friends can often see things that a person in Lurrrrrrve cannot. It may well be wise to take their advice, especially if you can drag more information out of them, even information about things that triggered their distaste. “I don’t like the way he…”

However, it’s also true that if you’re in Twue Wuv, you won’t listen to your parents anyway. And maybe he’s a decent guy. Who knows? If you do marry him, though, you may want to keep the parental advice in the back of your head. Keep yourself safe and be prepared – a separate bank account, friends who will help you if things go bad. I have them, and my guy is totally sweet. If you’re married 20 years, it’s still good to know what to do if things go South on you.

I wish you the best! :)

spresto's avatar

They won’t stop you from marrying him. If you truly love him they will get over it. At least in an ideal world they would.

Facade's avatar

I wouldn’t care at all. I’m the one with him, not them.

spresto's avatar

@Facade I guess that depends on how close you are to your family. If you truly value there thoughts it would not be as easy as all that. I would never marry somebody if my family thought she was a terrible person or disliked her and had good reason.

In this situation, if they have good reason let them say it. If they have no reason and are just going on a feeling they need to get over it.

Supacase's avatar

I would not tell him how they feel because it will hurt him and make things uncomfortable when they are around each other. I would also not complain to your mom or dad about him when the two of you are having trouble because they are going to side with you simply because they love you. Then once you patch things up with him, they will still harbor the bad feelings of the situation you shared with them. (This comes from personal experience.)

I married a guy my parents did not like. I now understand it and completely agree with them, but I was blinded by love at the time. They never said they disliked him, but I could tell. In fact, when I asked Mom said, “I like him…” but there was always a “but” implied and left hanging in the air.

After that I dated a guy my parents HATED. They were very vocal about that because he truly treated me like shit. I took it for a long time, but I knew they were right. It is very stressful being with a guy your family dislikes because you are always caught in the middle.

After that I took a break, thought a lot about the advice my mom had given me over the years, and waited for a good man. The man I am married to now is generally a great guy. He is younger than me and a bit of a twirp at first. He just didn’t think about things, like not thanking me or even saying anything when I made him a special dinner after he had been out of town for a couple of weeks and I was thrilled to see him. My mom said, “are you sure he’s a nice guy?” His problem is that he has times he just doesn’t think and my parents have come to realize this.

After that novel, I would say listen to what they say and think honestly about what their problem with him may be. Ultimately it is up to you and if you feel he is the one, stick with him. If he truly is a good person, they will come to see it in time.

figbash's avatar

If your parents are normal, rational adults I would definitely think about what they’ve said and try and figure out why they feel that way. Ultimately, they really have your best interests in mind and just want you to be happy.

If you think they’re way off base, of course, proceed as normal and try and showcase him at his best, so that they can see why he means so much to you. That’s really all you can do.

Clair's avatar

You cant please everybody and at the end of the day, you gotta make yourself happy. I love my mom but i dont think moms always know best.

Judi's avatar

I don’t one what I’d do, but I can tell you marriage is hard work with family support. Without it I think it would be even harder.

casheroo's avatar

My father once exploded onto me how much he hated my ex boyfriend. I wanted to see my ex (boyfriend at the time), and my father didn’t allow it, so I threw a fit. He was so angry, and that’s how I learned about how much he hated the guy. Usually, my parents tell me once I’d finish dating a guy, that they didn’t like him. I think they always knew if a relationship of mine would last, so they just stayed out of it.
They have almost always liked my husband. They were wary of him at first, because of the circumstances, but they got to know him and liked him.
I think if it’s a real issue for you, you need to sit down and find out what it is. Maybe it’ll shed some light for you, on things you never even realized before, or maybe you can convince them otherwise.

bea2345's avatar

You should have found out about this (not being liked by your parents) before he became your SO. @Judi is right: marriage is hard work, lots of it.

tinyfaery's avatar

Personally, I never gave a shit about what my parents thought about my boy/girlfriends. It is your life. Listen or don’t, just be ready for the consequences.

C52000's avatar

@bea2345: I don’t drag every man I mean across the country to meet my parents. I brought my boyfriend to meet them once we were serious. What’s the point of bringing every single guy home to meet the family if you’re not even sure if you like him that much? That would be a huge waste of my time and energy, not to mention highly awkward. “Mom, dad, this is Steve, he’s a guy I met at at a bar, and I’m thinking about dating him. What do you think?” I brought my man home specifically because he’s special. And mom didn’t tell me her true feelings until 6 months after they met him, how is that my fault?

@everyone else: Thank you so much for your suggestions and your support. I really appreciate it. Ever since my mother and I had this conversation yesterday, I’ve been having a pretty rough time because it seems like something I’m just going to have to live with, and it really did make me feel better to read all of your nice answers.

C52000's avatar

@IBERnineD: That seems like a good idea.

@cprevite: My dad doesn’t really like anybody I date, so I wasn’t too upset about that. My mom’s….hahaa, sane sometimes I guess.

@MacBean: Wow, that is is really crazy story. I also know what you mean about not finding the right words until someone else starts. That’s a good idea. I’ll try to do that.

@Lothloriengaladriel: I’m a person old enough to be getting married now. I just don’t want to yet, and even though it has been almost two years, my boo and I are still getting to know each other and thinking about it, we’re not making any plans yet.

He’s not a jerk at all. He sends my mother birthday presents, compliments her cooking, and goes out of his way to do other nice things for her. I think you could be onto something with the idea that she’s just afraid of me getting serious. Sometimes I think she just doesn’t like it when I get close to a guy. For example, with my ex, she would always tell me I was spending too much time with him, which made me think that she didn’t like him, and then after we broke up (what a relief) she told me I should get back together with him. In that situation, I definitely did not take her advice.

@Supacase: You’re right, definitely. I wasn’t going to tell him. In fact, after I asked my mom about it, she wouldn’t say anything until she made me promise not to tell him. So, it seems like she doesn’t hate him, because then she wouldn’t care if he knew.

@Clair: You are right. That’s so true.

Thank you, again, everyone. I welcome the advice. It feels good to talk about it. Especially because my mom and bf are the two people I usually go to when I need advice, so you strangers mean a lot to me right now. I almost feel like I know you.

hug_of_war's avatar

They haven’t met him, but I don’t suspect they’ll love him. However I know why this is. I’d probably try to get them to pinpoint something. If they would think he’s manipulating me or something I’d like to know so I could prove to them he’s not how they think. I’m not really a fan of burning bridges and I like to keep the peace, so I’d focus more on getting them closer than telling my parents to screw themselves, unless it got to a point where I felt that was necesary.

wundayatta's avatar

I’d pay attention, and try to see what they see. I’d probably not be able to see it, but if the relationship went on long enough, I might eventually get it. My parents weren’t into a couple of my relationships. Sure enough, when those relationships broke up, I saw what they were talking about. They seemed to really like my wife. We’re still together after 22 years.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

My family doesn’t like who I’ve been seeing on and off for about five years. Marriage has been mentioned multiple times, but it makes me extremely stressed. They care about me, which is why they’re so opinionated, but… What? Would they not come to my wedding? Would they have nothing to do with him if I married him?

Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you. Trust your gut, it won’t let you down. I don’t think whatever decision you have to make will be easy, speaking from personal experience. Good luck.

C52000's avatar

Urg, I’m so fed up with my mom right now. @cprevite, I amend my answer. My mother is definitely not sane. We were talking about something completely unrelated. I mentioned that I had given up career opportunities with my job (working on a great project that could get me promoted) to come visit her, and she got so upset about it, that she told me to go back to work, and then started berating me for not living with her, for not visiting her or calling her enough, and then telling me that she “didn’t have a daughter”. I have no idea what’s going on with her, but now I kind of don’t really care if she likes bf or not. It doesn’t worry me, because apparently she’s completely off her nut, and I guess she hates me too, so it must be a match made it heaven. ~sigh~

cookieman's avatar

@C52000: She may be a judgmental right now (and time may prove she’s prone to this behavior), but I doubt she hates you.

Ultimately, you have to live your own life. I agree with @DrasticDreamer – trust your gut.

Judi's avatar

Sounds like menopause

tinyfaery's avatar

It’s time to cut the cord, time to truly be an adult. What kind of life do you want to live? Does it include capitulating to your parents or being the person you want to be? It’s time to set some boundaries. Let it known what you expect from her, and your father, and act accordingly. This might include stopping conversations mid-sentence and asserting yourself when you do not like the way you are being treated.

Good luck!

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