General Question

loveandmathbooks's avatar

Relationship help, what would you suggest?

Asked by loveandmathbooks (18points) June 12th, 2009

Here is the situation…There is a person that has a crush on me, and there are mutual feelings of attraction. We have countless mutual friends, and see each other often in social gatherings among friends.

The problem. This person that has a crush on me dated a sibling of mine for over 4 years. They have been broken up for over 2 years now, and this person assures me they will never get back together.

I know my sibling very well, and am pretty sure would not take this news lightly. This seems to be the only obstacle in the way of what would seem to be a good relationship between two very good friends.

A secret relationship seems pointless, as we could never be seen in public with our friends as a couple, and would only make it worse once the sibling found out.

I guess the question is something like, if the sibling doesn’t like the idea of it, and won’t be okay with it. What would be your next step? What would you do in my situation?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

20 Answers

oratio's avatar

Talk to your sibling. If it’s love and not just a crush. It is not worth hurting him/her for a fling. Remember, that there are 6.5 billion people on the planet. Odds are that the love of your life is out there.

lady4life's avatar

This is tricky..I would date someone else..I can see problems ahead, jealousy etc

loveandmathbooks's avatar

oh and the sibling and I live together

hug_of_war's avatar

I wouldn’t touch this relationship with a ten foot pole

kevbo's avatar

Have an honest chat with your sibling about what’s going on and suss out his or her feelings about the issue. If your sibling isn’t positive on it right away suggest they take a little time to think it over. In the course of this discussion, you need to communicate your sincere interest in the other person and that you believe the feelings are mutual. What I’m trying to say is communicate that you are following your heart. If your sibling is a reasonable person, he or she should see that and make an effort to step out of the way. If your sibling won’t take this well, then time and space are the antidote.

Unless you want to disrupt your relationship with your sibling, I don’t see any other way to go about doing it.

Also, you might start the conversation by asking your sibling about his or her feelings about the ex and that relationship to find out how far along your sibling is with getting over it.

I’d be willing to bet that once your sibling understands how you two are developing honest feelings for each other that it won’t be as difficult to get out of the way.

loveandmathbooks's avatar

well put Kevbo, thanks a lot.

Jeruba's avatar

It’s not just a matter of getting out of the way. That suggests being out of the picture. But when you live in the same house that can be very difficult. Your sibling has to face the prospect of having this person around the house, being included in family outings, sitting down at the family dinnertable, and so on. This could be very hard for someone who is trying to forget and may have hurt or bitter feelings (especially a young person; being cool about this could take a lot of maturity).

And there’s also the question of past intimacy that may make your sibling feel very much at a disadvantage with you by assuming that his or her ex is now going to be telling you private things (whether this person would do that or not). I would not have ever wanted to share that kind of history with my sister. And I would not have liked thinking that a young man was making comparisons between us.

Depending on how they broke up and whether your sib really took a hit, your parents may also have loyalty struggles.

There is a potential for a lot of awkwardness and discomfort there that could in turn put pressure on the relationship.

If this person is truly the love of your life, he or she will still be around when you have grown up and moved out. If he or she isn’t, you may want to weigh the drawbacks carefully. The down side isn’t trivial.

I agree that you must start by talking with your sibling. But look beyond the words for the true feelings, and give him or her a little time to deal with it.

Siren's avatar

If I were in your situation, and valued the relationship I had with my sibling over the possibility of a romantic relationship with their ex, I would just leave it alone, especially if you are fairly certain your sibling won’t take it very well. 4 years is a long time to stay together. Some marriages last that long. Secondly, I would feel a little weird going out with someone who had spent that much time with my sibling. Thirdly, I’d wonder why they broke up, and if your potential relationship would fare the same way.

This is just my own perspective.

loveandmathbooks's avatar

This person I’m interested in, my sibling’s ex, is like my best friend, we get along really well. And they broke up because they moved in with each other and things kind of fell apart. My brother played too many video games, and slowly started to not appreciate her at all. Didn’t put any effort into celebrating her birthday, small things like that, where he just stopped appreciating her.

I think, I may spend some time with her, go out and see how things go, and see if the akwardness is there, and if then we both want to go forward. Then talk to my brother.

By the way, we don’t live at home anymore, we happen to share an apartment together.

wundayatta's avatar

My brother has been in a relationship with a woman who is a very close friend of mine. She’s one of my oldest friends from college. He has been utterly secretive about the relationship, as if denying that it exists. They’ve been together for at least a decade, and he’s never included her in any family gatherings (although I have). Trust me, it can get really weird. However, it might be worth it, despite that, if you and the girl really like each other a lot.

scamp's avatar

Have you asked yourself what you would do if you start a relationship with this girl and things start to heat up with your brother again? I don’t know how you can pull this off without a lot of awkward feelings all around.

You might want to consider keeping it as a friendship until you find your own place. Good luck to you.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

hmm, how great is your interest?
if this was real love, i’d go for it

filmfann's avatar

This is so bad, I can’t even describe it.
Run, don’t walk, from this guy.

Bobbilynn's avatar

You know your tummy is not gonna feel well! Ever!

carebare's avatar

First I would talk to my sibling about this issue and see what they have to say about it. If they are not okay with it then don’t do it. Besides, even if they are okay with it, which I doubt, it would be really weird at family functions, don’t you think?

Da_Wolfman's avatar

Move on, like Oprah said in The Color Purple , ” it aint wurf-it ”.

jackfright's avatar

I suggest you pause to think about the situation, build your own circle of friends and go from there. Unless you’re willing to deal with the worse case scenario of losing the relationship you have with your sibling. Always try to consider the worst case scenarios.

Cruiser's avatar

If you start dating this “friend” I suspect you will be looking for a new roommate or place to live.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Stay away. Stay very far away. This is bad news and could permanently affect the trust your sibling puts in you, and all for what could potentially be as much as a few nights of lust. The choice you make has to be permanent, as its effect (provided you go ahead) most likely will be.

beccalynnx's avatar

if you can’t say no to this, at least take some time with it. Make sure that you feel a really strong love for this person and not just a little crush. It may take years for the feelings and awkwardness of the previous relationship to fade. I think it’d be smartest to stay as the good friends you are now. If you are already super great friends, it shouldn’t be hard for you to take it slowly. it’ll be a lot easier on everyone if it’s a gradual change.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther