General Question

essieness's avatar

Are you too nice, or too mean?

Asked by essieness (7693points) June 16th, 2009

I’m generally too nice.

Tonight at work, I saw the guy who fired me exactly a year ago right before my Addison’s diagnosis when I was very ill. After my diagnosis and hospital stay, I called to ask for my job back and even offered a letter from my doctor explaining my condition and how it affected my job performance. He still wouldn’t hire me back. This was about the time the economy/job market completely crashed. As a result, I was out of work for over 6 months, lost my apartment, had to move back in with my parents, am in some serious debt, and am back at square one trying to get back on my feet.

Anyway, I saw him tonight and I said hello and politely answered his questions about what I’m “up to these days.” On the inside, I wanted to tell him thanks for being an insensitive jackass and that I hope he felt good about his decision to not hire me back after my health improved. But of course, I didn’t say that… because I’m too nice.

So, do you hold back to be polite, or let your anger hang out?

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41 Answers

Tink's avatar

I feel like if im too nice sometimes I let it out when it’s worth letting it out when it’s not I just walk away and cuss all I want in my head

loser's avatar

I’m too nice but even I would have been tempted too lay into him. For heavens sake, was that even legal? All I can say is that maybe there’s a reason things happened the way they did. You never know. And hopefully he felt guilty as heck!!! Sometimes saying nothing has a greater impact than anything.

Facade's avatar

I used to be too nice, but I think I have a good balance now

whatthefluther's avatar

I am too nice 99.99% of the time. If someone down and out betrays me, well, I can be very ugly.

mammal's avatar

it’s stories like these
that keep me ultra critical
of the current economic system;
used, abused and discarded.
In his mind, business made the decision
to sack you and he, as a conscionable person,
had no hand in it.

rooeytoo's avatar

I try to be balanced, to act according to what the situation calls for. In your case, I think I would have told him exactly what I thought of him but in a dignified manner. Not always easy but that is what I strive for.

I just ended 2 sentences with prepositions, I apologize to the grammarians but I couldn’t figure how to say them otherwise.

YARNLADY's avatar

I’ve been told I’m ‘too nice’ also, because sometimes people just want to complain, but I always hear that they want help.

It’s usually more healthy to be nice than to just let go in the wrong way. You know you took the high road, and that should be a good feeling.

mcbealer's avatar

@essieness ~ your diplomacy astounds me!

This question reminds me of the movie, Anger Management

Forgiveness goes a long way, and your health is sure to be better since you don’t harbor any malice towards this erm, nitwit.

As for me, I’m not so sure I could have summoned that much self-restraint were I in your shoes.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

I can be too nice, but I can also be too harsh and feel guilty about it later. Sometimes I think there is no best way to handle a situation.

Don’t beat yourself up for not saying anything, essie! Remember that scene in “You’ve Got Mail” where Meg Ryan finally gives the “zingers” that she wants to, and then she regrets it later. I don’t know, he sounds like a huge asshole, but maybe letting him have it wouldn’t have helped anything…

Bluefreedom's avatar

I’m going to skip right over ‘too mean’ because I’ve never been that way in my life. As far as ‘too nice’, I don’t know if that would be an accurate description for me. I would have to amend it to read ‘too tolerant’ or ‘too patient’ or maybe even ‘too forgiving’. I’ve always had a slow fuse and it takes a lot to get me angry and I’ve even been told that I’m not assertive enough sometimes.

It just seems more prudent, to me anyway, to be nice more often than not and on the occasions where you can’t be, you just have to use your best judgement in how much anger or meanness you’re going to exhibit to match the situation that calls for it. Not always an easy decision unfortunately.

Jack_Haas's avatar

My nature is to be too nice, but because I can’t let people know that (or I’ll spend my life serving others) I tend to be too mean most of the time.

dynamicduo's avatar

People might consider me as mean, especially if they base their opinion on one of my comments here, but I’m really just honest and blunt, which can sometimes come off as being mean. I don’t intentionally harm people nor do I take my anger out on them, and those who are close to me value my opinion and advice even though it may be frank. Those close to me would not consider me mean at all.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

If you were to ask my friends, they would probably say too nice because it takes a lot to provoke me. I often cop a lot of flack, but move on because it really doesn’t matter. However when something happens that I deem to be worth my anger, I am too mean, because I tend not to hold back.

cookieman's avatar

I used to be far too nice. To the point of letting people walk all over me. I would just bury things until I finally blew my top (usually at the wrong person).

When we adopted my daughter (five years ago), something must have snapped – because now I don’t take any shit. Must be parental instincts – I dunno.

Dog's avatar

Having kids for me also made a big difference.
In the last few years I have taken less and less bs from people. I no longer have the patience for others outside of my family to push their agenda on me or to try to take up my time meeting their needs. While I am on one hand proud of myself when I stand up and say no there I still cringe at having to do so.

MissAusten's avatar

I am too nice. I don’t like confrontation and tend to do whatever I can to avoid it. I’ll stick up for myself or voice my opinion, but I always try to do it in a way that won’t upset anyone. Usually I am so flustered that I don’t think of what I should have said until later. When I think back on something or am talking to someone else about it, all of the more assertive (and mean!) things I wish I’d had the nerve to say come out. My husband cracks up at the nasty voicemail messages I’ve left for companies that let me down because he knows if a person had answered the phone I would have been very nice.

The only exception would be something to do with my kids. All my niceness gets thrown to the wind if I need to stick up for them, like the time a boy at school was bullying my daughter, or the time an older relative of ours smacked my son. In those cases, I probably overreacted, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

seekingwolf's avatar

Depends…I am often WAYY too nice with my friends and always accommodate their needs. However, I don’t have tons of friends but the ones I have are lifelong.

Outside of friends, I am considered stubborn, abrasive, and opinionated. I don’t let people push me around for their benefit. If someone gets in the way of me accomplishing my work, there will be hell to pay….seriously

I’ve been known to yell at drunk people who are too loud and disturb me in my dorm. I’ve called security a couple of times when the party next door is too loud and have drunks spilling into my dorm and waking me up. I’m also a fiscal conservative.

Yeah, I have some people mad at me, but they should just go back to their bong and deal with it. I have goals and work that I need to do, and they probably do too. If they want to waste their life, that’s their problem, but their negligence should in no way interfere with what I need to do.

Bobbilynn's avatar

My true nature is mean, although I try to cover it by being nice!

CMaz's avatar

I am too nice, I can be taken advantage of because of that. Then I flip to the dark side and become too mean.

SirBailey's avatar

Are you kidding?? NEVER burn your bridges when it comes to a former employer who might be in a position to give you a reference some day!!! ESPECIALLY with the job market being what it is.

P.S. I never HOLD BACK. One of these days, I’m gonna get beat up because of it. I’ve even expressed anger with a group of cops!

cak's avatar

I used to be far too nice, in fact, I think door mat was stamped on me. Now, I’m in the middle with bouts of niceness and a touch of meanness to go around.

cookieman's avatar

@Dog: I think it’s about self-worth. When it’s just you, it’s easy to justify someone taking advantage of you (or being rude, or overstaying their welcome, or…) – ‘cuz, ya know, it’s just lil’ ole me (subtext: I’m not important).

But when it involves your kid (or your time, which is being wasted instead of being with your kid) – all bets are off! Then mama bear or papa bear instincts come out.

Mr_Callahan's avatar

Too nice when I want something, too mean when I don’t get it.

Aethelwine's avatar

99% Too nice
1% If you screw with my children or husband, look out!

onesecondregrets's avatar

You can never be too nice; kill them with kindness.

Skippy's avatar

I know I am too nice, if only not to stir the pot. However, rub me the wrong way, mess with my kids, my hubby, my pets and it’s on!

I have been known to give my last dollar, meal whatever to help someone. Like @MissAusten I always think of the “right thing to say” later. I can tell you and be mean, but not to your face unless I am really upset. (like walking into a specific store)

I am know as one that can get anything done, but thats because I use the nice, and threaten with the mean.

Hubby does refer to me as the mean one that Mellencamp sings about in his song “Mean”

Jack79's avatar

too nice probably, at least that’s what most people would say

DominicX's avatar

People in real life might say that I am too nice. In fact, I’ve heard people say that before. I don’t get angry in front of people, it just doesn’t happen. For some reason, most people I know in real life have an inability to make me angry, even if they’re trying to (which they have on some occasions). I find it difficult to dislike people. Even people who have made me angry, I always have second thoughts about why I dislike them and such. My default position is to like someone. If they give me reason to dislike them, then I’ll dislike them.

However, I’m also sick of people treating me like crap and then acting shocked when they find out it makes me angry. Or people acting like I’m not supposed to get angry at something like that.

Bobbilynn's avatar

This place is full of very nice people! I feel I might not fit in!

prude's avatar

depends on the situation.
In day to day life, I can swing like on a pendulum going from sugar sweet and nice to foul and angry mean.
so maybe, a bit of both?

Blondesjon's avatar

I’m too me.

oh well

mangeons's avatar

You might not know it from talking to me here, but I’m really too mean.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I wouldn’t call myself too nice
I know when it’s better to keep my mouth shut
whether it stays shut is another issue
I expressed my righteous anger and frustrations at people and situations before that have caused plenty or raised eyebrows but I don’t live my life like others do

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Co workers will say I’m too nice but that’s because I get paid to be extra tolerant and to even pretend niceties.

Friends will say I tend towards being too nice or too trusting and that’s okay with me because I have them to scrutinize.

Family will say I’m more mean and that’s because I don’t bother with them that are proven negative, wasteful and destructive.

Divalicious's avatar

I’m too nice, even when I’m being mean. For instance, last week at work I had some thug gangbanger half my age threaten me. Most of my coworkers get right in their face and curse, yell, man-handle, etc. I nicely kept calling him Sir (although thinking “Asshat”)... then went to my supervisors and quietly had his stinking carcass thrown in the hole. He was totally blindsided. Double win!

LostInParadise's avatar

Way too nice but my shyness has some people regard me as aloof.

MissAnthrope's avatar

Too nice. I think it generally serves me well, but I get steamrolled a lot.

Master's avatar

I’m glad to see many regard themselves too nice. I’m not alone!

MerMaidBlu's avatar

would hold back a little just to be the “bigger person” but I don’t think a quick little smart ass comment would hurt.
I’m usually so nice I’m seen as a push over but I’m working on that..

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Bellatrix's avatar

Probably lean towards being too nice but I am not a pushover either. If I have to be nasty, I can be. Mostly though, life is too short to be mean and nasty to people and I can’t be bothered.

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