General Question

shipwrecks's avatar

How to remedy bad sex?

Asked by shipwrecks (346points) July 1st, 2009

My new boyfriend and I had sex for the first time last night. The foreplay was great, but the actual vaginal penetration was… strange. I felt like he was nervous, and his rhythm was maybe off?

He felt bad and told me its been a while since he’s had sex, but I feel like it was my fault. I told him that practice makes perfect and that we’d just have to keep at it.

Is there anything I should do/say? How can we have better sex?

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99 Answers

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Move past it and try again.
If you both keep bringing up how awkward the last time was, it almost guarantees the next time will be awkward.

MacBean's avatar

I think what you said—“Practice makes perfect”—is a good start. Give it another shot and see if the first time was just a fluke.

Randy's avatar

Communication is what makes good sex. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want, and tell him to tell you what he wants. It makes things easier and more enjoyable for both parties.

kenmc's avatar

Practice makes perfect.

tinyfaery's avatar

If you’re still into him then just keep trying. Practice makes perfect, and it’s fun. But if it continues to be bad, reevaluate.

wundayatta's avatar

Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

KatawaGrey's avatar

Try new and different things. Maybe the position(s) you tried didn’t work for you. Try new ones. Maybe there doesn’t even have to be vaginal penetration sometimes. My boyfriend and I sometimes have a very rousing session that finishes with mutual masturbation and it is as much fun and as satisfying as penetration.

eponymoushipster's avatar

or, conversely, anal.

Facade's avatar

@eponymoushipster If they can’t do vaginal sex right, anal would only be worse/painful lol

shipwrecks's avatar

@KatawaGrey The foreplay was great – we both did some oral and manual on each other, and there is no doubt there is a strong connection and great chemistry between us, so this bad sex is just frustrating… I definately think his rhythm was weird, since he didn’t keep it steady at all… it almost felt jerky.
And I don’t mean like beef jerky lol

Grisaille's avatar

please, in the name of all things holy

Never show him this thread.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

First one is a mulligan. If the second time results in bad sex, your relationship is doomed. Most people are extremely intolerant of bad sex to the point where they will often seek out bad relationships for good sex. That’s how humans roll. Most never make it past the first night of bad sex.

Darwin's avatar

Practice makes, if not perfect, at least better. Also, try different positions that are comfortable for you both. Tell him when he does something you like. And learn how to play and have fun with it.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@shipwrecks: If you don’t mind my asking, how big is he? Size made things a little awkward at first between my bf and I, maybe there are similar issues there. Conversely, if he’s small (or thinks he’s small) then he may be feeling kind of insecure which would throw his rhythm off.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Tell him it’s like shifting gears and since there are 6 and 7speeds out there, you both have plenty of gears to go through yet. Fun!

Facade's avatar

maybe it felt too good to hold a steady rhythm? ..just guessing

shipwrecks's avatar

@Grisaille This isn’t my normal fluther username! I made a new username especially for this question.

Grisaille's avatar

Listen, I think we can all agree: at least you aren’t this girl.

Grisaille's avatar

@shipwrecks Wait, what? Great, now I’m gonna be tryina figure out who you are.

shipwrecks's avatar

@KatawaGrey I think he’s insecure because he’s curved. He’s a good size though. Not small but not huge.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@shipwrecks: Ah, yes, the conundrum of the curved penis. I’ve known a few men with curved penises and they acted weird about it.

shipwrecks's avatar

@Grisaille yes, at least I’m not that girl. And don’t try to figure out who I am, I haven’t been a very active flutherite.

Facade's avatar

There’s nothing wrong with a little curve…

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

Oh boy, guys and their curved winkies! Some go to one side or another or upward/downward which makes it fun to find all the ways it fits best. I think

Grisaille's avatar

I’m just pullin’ yo’ leg. Don’t sweat it, honestly – I’m just trying to lighten the mood.

Everything has been said already, and I think it can be very helpful if you utilize it. It’s just a matter of toying around with what works and what doesn’t.

As an aside, doggy-style is generally the best position for a guy to learn rhythm, as he is physically thrusting in you; he should have a bit more control with his hands on your hips and just goin’ to town. Also, it helps in the psychological side of things – because he feels naturally “in power”, he’ll have more confidence with what he’s doing.

augustlan's avatar

I lurve a good curve.

Grisaille's avatar

The above passage is completely subjective, of course. Just how I felt when I was first starting out.

As they say, we all start somewhere. I’m not going to make a broad statement and say he’s inexperienced, but it sounds that way. Hope that helps :\

Aethelwine's avatar

If his rhythm was weird why don’t you “hop on pop”? Take control. Guys like that and it might give him the confidence that he may need.

casheroo's avatar

Who doesn’t lurve a curve?!

I remember the first time with my husband. Something completely embarassing happened. I blame the curve Sex is supposed to be fun, not mechanical. It gets better with time.

shipwrecks's avatar

@Grisaille ahaha I didn’t think you’d actually figure out who I was :)

…unless you work for the FBI!?

@jonsblond I think I will… I’m more experienced than he is, although I’ve never come across a curve, which perplexed me at first, but then intrigued me more than anything.

@casheroo what happened!? And yes, sex is fun, but not when he’s all embarassed and nervous :-/

hearkat's avatar

I’d bet he was nervous and trying not to climax too soon… especially if it’s been a while for him. Also, if he’s aware that you’re more experienced, he might feel a bit intimidated.

eponymoushipster's avatar

@casheroo took a left turn at Albuquerque? lol

Milladyret's avatar

Ah, sex… It’s difficult, you have to practice to get good at it. Good thing practicing is such fun ;)

Oh, and Lurve the Curve!

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

well this went on the way side in a hurry.

Keep the guys confidence up, tell him what he did well. when it comes to sex, confidence can make a big difference.

Grisaille's avatar

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 Confidence makes all the difference.

Garebo's avatar

It helps when you are so horny you look at him like you are about to stab him-believe me he’ll ge excited.

Grisaille's avatar

that is probably the least sexy thing I’ve ever read

AstroChuck's avatar

Just use a fresher corpse next time.

Grisaille's avatar

@AstroChuck You owe me a new keyboard. Coffee has been spewed everywhere.

Grisaille's avatar

I’m still laughin’.

Fuck you, Chuck.

AstroChuck's avatar

Back in high school I had a friend who would put the make on everything that moved. I told him, “Why limit yourself?”

Supacase's avatar

I was going to say you probably need to be more comfortable with each other… then you mentioned the curve.

my husband will never see this, so I will share this

There was a major connection between us, but the initial sex was such a letdown. I told my best friend it was bad. Turns out, the curve was in a different direction than I had ever experienced, so I’m trying to do things the way I’m used to (and that I expect to feel good) while he’s trying to do it the way that works for him (and that he knows won’t hurt) and it just didn’t click.

Don’t fear the curve. Talk about it and find the right positions. It can be worked out. :)

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

I wonder why they curve? Maybe too many pre pubescent teens slept on their stomachs growing up…

AstroChuck's avatar

Perhaps this is why.

Grisaille's avatar

I could not be more hesitant to click that link.

Grisaille's avatar

Ah, that’s not so bad. I guess.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

I feel like that’s knowledge I shouldn’t know for some reason…

rooeytoo's avatar

I kept clicking, looking for the pictures, but there weren’t any! I wanted to see.

watdat's avatar

maybe he’s gay

Jude's avatar

I agree with Augustlan and the others. When I first read “curve”, I thought = G Spot!

sap82's avatar

Lots and lots of practice. I feel the need to practice. Any gorgous gals want to meet up? Seriously. Message me.

Saturated_Brain's avatar

@sap82 Please don’t be serious…

Jude's avatar

Me still thinks that sap82 is a troll.

SirBailey's avatar

Why so much emphasis on the performance instead of the outcome? Did you come? Focus on that.

He “routine” may NEVER get better. If sex is that important to you (and I’m not assessing here) what would you do if your husband became impotent a few years after marriage? It CAN happen.

Grisaille's avatar

This is the just the thread that keeps on givin’.

Clair's avatar

It could just be what @Facade said. She said it may have felt too good to hold a steady rhythm and you said it had been a while for him. That’s probably all it is. If the next time is bad, then you need to rethink this whole thing.

Jack79's avatar

try a few more times, you’ll figure it out

it is sometimes possible that two people are simply not compatible in bed. If it’s like that, tough luck. But usually you can work on most other problems.

ratboy's avatar

What the hell is bad sex?

eponymoushipster's avatar

@jmah sap82 trolls pretty much everywhere.

Jude's avatar

@eponymoushipster yup, I noticed that, too.

shipwrecks's avatar

Thanks everyone. :)

Obviously, I’m going to keep on trying. I like him a lot, so I want to give him (and his curve) the benefit of the doubt. Of course, a relationship is about more than just sex, but physical intimacy is a big part of it.

Again, thanks everyone for your thoughtful (and fun) responses!

Grisaille's avatar

You gotta let us know how round two goes.

cyn's avatar

i agree with if you two feel awkward about it then the next time is going to be the same or just more awkward…

sakura's avatar

Try going on top and teach him the rhythm you like :) Start off slow and build up to a quicker tempo and practice does make perfection!!!

shipwrecks's avatar

Thanks for all the advice guys! Round two was muuuuch better. :)


Grisaille's avatar

All right. Get some.

* high fives, all around *

tinyfaery's avatar

Thanx for the update.

KatawaGrey's avatar

All right! Details? ;)

sakura's avatar

By the end of the month you’ll be wondering what all the fuss is about. I am pleased you persevered and didn’t give up at the first hurdle. Good luck and be happy :)

prude's avatar

tell him what you like, ask him what he likes.
introduce porn
take control and you be the aggressor.

JustLeDouxIt's avatar

if it was the first time, of course he’s going to be nervous. Just give him time and I’m sure he’ll come around.

shipwrecks's avatar

Yep yep. It was the first time, he was way nervous, and later he told me that was the first time he had sex in over a year…

@KatawaGrey wants details!? Hahaha. Well, let’s just say I now lurve the curve. I asked him later “So, did you think the other night was better, worse, or the same as the first time? I want to know if I should give up on this.” And he said “I’d say better, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep working on it. Practice DOES make perfect after all, and practicing is very much worth it.” haha! :)

KatawaGrey's avatar

@shipwrecks: He sounds like a keeper! Have fun practicing ;)

CMaz's avatar

Sounds like there is no chemestry. Move on.

carebare's avatar

It sounds to me like he’s just a little nervous and unsure of himself. You don’t need to tell him anything, if you have to tell this man how to have sex with you, then it isn’t going to work. Give him time, he’ll come around.

CMaz's avatar

See, that is another bad example of bad chemistry. Life is about learning.
You are both apparently on different time lines when it comes to sexual experience and knowing, in your way, how to enjoy it.
That is why I say move on. You will both eventually find someone that you are more better suited for. GIving him time is taking away time from yourself and him.
This IS where sex ruins a relationship. It is one of those things you do not want to have to work on.
Now enhancing an already good sexual experience is something else.

Clair's avatar

@jmah …your pic looks like Sarah Silverman is in the middle of all that..?? Disturbing.

KatawaGrey's avatar

@ChazMaz @carebare: Did either of you bother to read the rest of the thread?

CMaz's avatar

“Is there anything I should do/say? How can we have better sex?”

Yes I did, did you read what I wrote? :-)

I will give you the cliff notes. They should find someone that can give them sex that works for them.
i.e Chemistry.

sakura's avatar

@ChazMaz not everyone will have great sex straight away sometimes you can actually enjoy each others company first and work on the sex part later! If everyone moved on straight away then your ‘soul mate’ my pass you by! Why not have fun trying to get better :)

KatawaGrey's avatar

@ChazMaz: I meant all the comments that followed. Like, for example this one.

CMaz's avatar

” not everyone will have great sex straight away“I see that as a problem.
I do my best to make sure of it, having great sex straight away.
If you want to see where it takes you, great. Been there done that.
If it does not work and does not improve quickly, it wont. The buzz is gone and the snowball effect is now in play.

I get your point. And you are all just being wishful thinkers. That is cool. Try, try, again.
I can blow butterflies up her butt, but would rather be realistic. :-)

Love knows no boundaries. This was a sex question. Do we want to make it a love question? Then it is not about sex. Love prevails, and love will conquer all.

KatawaGrey's avatar

I just meant she said it was better the second time around. Where does love come into this?

shipwrecks's avatar

@ChazMaz I appreciate your input, I really do, and I understand completely where you’re coming from. I really like this guy, and I feel like we have potential to be something great, since we connect on so many levels (this sounds ultra cheesy, I know). So the first time wasn’t great, but I wanted it to get better because I like him so much. The second time was a lot better, I think because he wasn’t as nervous.

I understand where you’re coming from, but I’m enjoying my relationship with him much more now that I’ve given him a second chance. :)

CMaz's avatar

And there you go. Good for you! :-)

Quagmire's avatar

If his rhythm is bad, get him a metronome! Better yet! Did you ever see those Viking movies where the slaves are in the bottom of the boat, chained to each other and they move their oar to row only when the drummers bang on their drum?!!! Maybe you can hire a Viking drummer!

Just sayin’.

shipwrecks's avatar

@quagmire hahaha that’s an amazing idea. Thank youuu <3

Mrgelastic's avatar

Someone wise told me that “practice does NOT make perfect” but that “Perfect practice makes perfect”

phil196662's avatar

Laugh- Do Over…

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KatawaGrey's avatar

@RebeccaSJ: Welcome to fluther! It’s a good idea to read through the other answers before you respond because @shipwrecks has already solved her problem. :)

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