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Claudio's avatar

What do I do about a girl I'm crazy about who is promiscuous?

Asked by Claudio (39points) July 10th, 2009

I’m crazy about a girl, but she’s engaged to be married. I’m fine with that and I’m very happy for her. We’re both very fond of each other and in a different place and time I’d love to be crazy about her and dote on her and that sort of thing, but this is how it is. She cheats though and now I feel betrayed. I have this strange feeling (irrational, yes) that she should be satisfied that since she can’t have me ( I refused her advances) that she should go back to her fiance and be happy. But she sleeps around and it breaks my heart. She’s being horrible to herself and making me watch is hard enough, but I also feel jealous and hurt. She might sound psycho, but she’s actually trying really hard to change and that makes her even more endearing to me, which makes it harder for me, too. I need advice on this one.

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22 Answers

Judi's avatar

I think you have a savior complex. Run, Run Run!!!!

skfinkel's avatar

Why do you think she appeals to you so much? I would think on that question.

janbb's avatar

Fortunately or unfortunately, she’s not your problem. She’s just a friend. If you want to, as a friend, you could tell how you feel her behavior is hurting her, but because you are so ambivalent about your other feelings for her, I think that would be loaded. If it were me, I would try to stay out of it, maybe even cool the friendship a bit and let her and her fiance work it out. Easier said than done of course, but this situation seems to come with yellow “CAUTION” tape all over it.

CMaz's avatar

You are kidding yourself. She is damaged goods.
Stuff in her head that took years to get her to where she now is.
Nothing you will be able to fix.
Either hop on the horse, or find another cow to brand.

AstroChuck's avatar

Ween yourself off her. Hanging around and pining for her is just self-destructive and will affect any chance you might have entering into a real, mature relationship with someone who will love you back, solely. As @Judi says, “Run, Run, Run!”

LKidKyle1985's avatar

yeah this is just going to blow up in your face and I don’t see a win situation for anyone if you try to persue anything. It really isn’t your problem, and as a friend you can say things and tell her she needs help but other than that don’t make this your burden.

marinelife's avatar

Trying very hard would probably have to include years of therapy.

If she cheats on her fiance, she would cheat on you. To believe otherwise is willful denial.

Run, don’t walk, away. Why do you watch? End even a friendship with this destructive person who is going down and wants to take you with her.

cwilbur's avatar

Stay away. Stay far away.

She’s cheating on her fiancĂ©, and you are hurt and jealous, after you turned her down?

There is no possible good outcome to this scenario. Get away as fast as you can.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Oh you need to move on in a bad way man.
If you’re looking for anything with her, you’re looking for a very unhealthy relationship.
You can’t fix her.

YARNLADY's avatar

I hate to get personal here, but since you asked, you sound like the one who is – to use your word – psycho. You need to visit a psychologist and talk this out. If you have been sexually intimate with her you also need to visit your doctor for a complete examination and blood test.

Darwin's avatar

Run away! Run away fast and forget you ever knew her! She sounds like heartache on the hoof, and you don’t need to take that on. If her fiance is a close friend of yours you could consider warning him, but then he probably wouldn’t be a close friend of yours any longer.

The fact that you are still hooked on her and are feeling jealous over her escapades also says that you may need some help yourself. She is engaged to someone else, someone who isn’t you. You need to get her out of your head and out of your life.

marinelife's avatar

@RareDenver Wonderful song. Thank you for sharing it. I had not heard it before.

Facade's avatar

Take her off her pedestal. She’s not who you thought she was. Find some other girl to fancy :)

Claudio's avatar

Wow, thanks. Judi, you are so right. I do have a savior complex. Now that I think of it, that’s been the leitmotif of my entire life. Facade, you nailed it with the pedestal comment. I kind of knew I should flee the scene and get the hell out of dodge. She is a swell girl, and brilliant in spite of everything, but I have a thing for “girls in trouble.” That along with the fact that she loves my mind and I love her for that. All of your comments are great. My question is, failing therapy, how do you make yourself walk away? I think that’s the next hurdle.

laureth's avatar

It’s like this: you need to take it or leave it.

By this, I mean that she’s not going to change. So you need to either carve out a place for her in your life that is totally comfortable with the way she is, or you need to decide that you are not comfortable with the way she is and move on.

Seriously. Those are the two choices. I wish there were more.

SirBailey's avatar

She is NOT the girl you want to take home to mother.

DREW_R's avatar

@laureth DITTO! Well said dear.

Accept her as she is or move on.

wundayatta's avatar

You may be crazy about her, but you aren’t in a situation where you are with her. You might be her friend, though. As a friend who is truly concerned about her, the best thing you can do is reflect her behavior back to her without making her feel that you disapprove.

Yes, she has problems. So do you. That doesn’t mean you have to run or be inhumane. Sure, a lot of people think the best thing to do is to get away from trouble. But, if you’re a savior, then that’s what you want to do. You want to help her. I understand that people want you to protect your feelings, but I think it’s a little late for that. You’re crazy about her. You know she’s not yours to have. You’ve upheld your honor by refusing to sleep with her.

Maybe you can help her out. But you have to do it without expecting anything in return, except perhaps friendship.

One has to wonder why she is sleeping around. Does she really love her fiance? Or is there something wrong there? Has she been psychologically damaged? Low self-esteem? Mental illness? Is she terribly unhappy? How does she explain her actions? Do you even ask her?

If you want to be a real friend, you can ask her these hard questions. Help her look at herself. You don’t have to judge any of her choices. But you can help her become aware that she is making some choices that might come back to kick her in the butt.

All this may will be hard on you, and you don’t have to do it. You can cut her off if it hurts too much. But that’s not your only option.

Claudio's avatar

I actually know her quite well. She does it to punish herself. Just recently I had to talk her out of a threesome with some uncool people. It’s like I’m her guard dog now, only I’m protecting her from herself. She’s thrown the whole “me not putting out” in my face but I’m sure she’ll thank me for that and I’m very happy to have done the right thing. I think she expects me to keep her out of trouble after she gets married but come Sept I’m going to be swamped. The thing is she knows how to handle me and I her. I think her future husband doesn’t know what he’s getting into, but I’m in full support mode now…time will tell.

janbb's avatar

Looks like you’ve pretty much decided how you want to handle it. Good luck!

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