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ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

How to get my sister back in my life again?

Asked by ItalianPrincess1217 (11973points) November 21st, 2009 from iPhone

This is hard for me to talk about. I’m very ashamed of what happened but I’m desperate to make it up to my sister and I need some advice.

A few years back I was going through a bit of a rough time. My relationship was falling apart, I felt very alone all the time, and I was a very selfish person. My sister and I didn’t have the best of relationships. She was always the better one (at least in my eyes). She was beautiful, charming, smart, and most importantly she got to live with our father, while I never even received a happy birthday phone call from him. Because of all these things (and because I was an immature, selfish child) I had always resented her a bit.

One night my sister, her boyfriend, and I were hanging out at her boyfriend’s house, drinking and having a good time. She had to leave early in the evening but he insisted that I stay. I was too drunk to drive an hour home. So I stuck around and we drank some more. I let things progress too far and we ended up having sex. I know what a bad person I am. Trust me.

Eventually, against his wishes, I confessed to her what happened. She of course was very upset. She blocked my number, blocked my emails, etc. I was so ashamed of myself. But until recently, it didn’t quite hit me that what I did was absolutely disgusting and wrong. I betrayed my own family member. My sister! Once I realized what I had done, I contacted her mother (my step mom) via email and begged her to talk to my sister for me. I explained everything and crossed my fingers for a phone call.

My step mom got back to me today and informed me she spoke with her but is unsure if my sis will make the call that I’m anxiously awaiting. What is my next move is she doesn’t? Do I head over to her house unannounced? Do I send her flowers on her upcoming birthday? Write another letter? Let’s say she does call me? Where do I begin? I’m sure I’ll have to make it quick or she’ll just get frustrated and hang up.

Without her I feel like part of me is missing. I know I caused this. But I need her to know that I’m not the same person anymore. It was a huge mistake and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I had my head up my ass and I was on a path of self destruction at time. Where do I go from here? Any ideas? How do I fix this?

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132 Answers

NewZen's avatar

Put this in a letter. Then call. I dont think there’s a simple way, and it isn’t in your hands. Good luck.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

I don’t know if there is anything you can do. Tell her you’re sorry, but you can’t blame her if she doesn’t want to hear it.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

The thing I’m having a hard time understanding is the fact that she took him back the very next day. And they are still together, years later. But me, I was cut out of her life. It takes two to cheat. Right? Of course, I’m her sister but either way, he cheated on his girlfriend and still got to remain part of her life.

deni's avatar

I agree with @NewZen….write it to her in a letter…It’s meaningful, show’s that you care enough to take time to write it out and mail it…I dunno, letters have always been more meaningful to me than any other form of communication aside from face to face…could be a good idea!

chelseababyy's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 That’s what makes it even worse. You are her sister someone who isn’t supposed to betray her, even if you were drunk. You were the one that should have known better no matter what he did or wanted. Guys do stupid things, guys come and go. However you’re the sister, you’re her blood and I would be just as angry as her if my sister ever did that to me.

MrBr00ks's avatar

I would have had the opposite response. I would have accepted my brother back eventually but kicked the woman out for good. Interesting. @NewZen is spot on, as usual.

jrpowell's avatar

You are kinda fucked if they are still together. Every time she sees you she will probably think about you banging her boyfriend.

Would you want to be around the person that your SO cheated on you with? Shit, maybe she is afraid that it will happen again.

You can try. I would tell her what you told us. But while they are still together the outlook does indeed look bleak.

Sorry to be a downer. But if I was your sister and we were both male I would beat the shit out of you. And I would have dumped that mother sisterfucker.

wildpotato's avatar

@chelseababyy I gotta agree with the Princess on this one. He should have known better too – your partner isn’t supposed to betray you any more than your sister is!

Time may be the only answer here. Many years will take away the poison of a grudge – if she’s not talking to you yet, her poison levels must still be pretty high.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@chelseababyy I never claimed that being drunk was an excuse. I take full responsibilty for what happened. But sometimes people fuck up. And I did. I’m just curious as to why on earth she immediately took him back but here I am, without my sister still years later. Yes, we’re blood and I should have never done that to her, but because we are blood, I would think she’d give me at least one more shot. If her boyfriend deserves a shot, I certainly do too.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@johnpowell I was thinking the same thing. He may very well be the reason she refuses to talk to me anymore. In fact, he might’ve fed her lie after lie about the entire thing. I only got through a few seconds of my story before she hung up and I never heard from her again. She’s not at all innocent in this either. I later found out that before the incident happened, she had tried seducing my boyfriend! Go figure.

chelseababyy's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 To be honest and blunt, you don’t deserve anything from her, nor should you expect anything from her. She’s doing what she wants to do, just as you did. I never said drinking was an excuse, however how were you not able to stop yourself. I understand that you were drinking, and that that may not be the reason why things happened, but really, do you have any self control or respect?
He could ultimately be the reason she’s not talking to you, or she could be thinking “Wow, my sister fucked my boyfriend.” or it could be a number of other things. Who knows what he did to get her back, or why she took him back. She may never come around or it just may take a few more years. Think about if the tables were turned, you might SAY that you would forgive her because you are in that predicament right now, but think about how it would make you feel.

chelseababyy's avatar

@wildpotato Oh, I definitely agree that he should have known better too. I’m not saying that it was all her fault. What I’m saying is that she should have been the bigger person. I don’t know details of the night, but I just don’t understand how it could have gotten that far.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

&chelseababyy I understand what you’re saying. And yes I do have self control and respect now. As I said in my post, I was going through a rough patch in my life. I hurt a lot of people that were close to me in the matter of a few months. But I have obviously realized my mistakes and I’m trying to fix what I did. I’m well aware that I don’t deserve her forgiveness. But that won’t stop me from trying. I appreciate your input but the point to this thread was not to be told what a bad person I am. It was to ask for advice on how to make it up to her.

NewZen's avatar

Sadly, @johnpowell is right (and funny) as usual.

chelseababyy's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I’m not sitting here saying that you’re a bad person, what I’m saying is that you have to realize that the forgiveness may never be there, and why.

deni's avatar

It IS odd that she took him back and didn’t mind when it came to him…half of the action was him, after all. hm.

chelseababyy's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I just want you to realize what she might be thinking, that’s all.

@deni True. It’s a wonder how you could take someone back after such a thing.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@deni It’s very odd. Which is what leads me to believe he might’ve told a lie or two about what actually happened. He didn’t even want to admit to it. He begged me not to say anything but I couldn’t lie anymore. I could have kept it from her forever and still have her in my life but it killed me to know she would be with a man who cheats on her and not even know it. Let alone a sister who betrays her family like I did.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@chelseababyy I know what you mean. I had to put myself in her shoes and try to see things from her perspective. She is as stubborn as I am so I know it’s going to take a lot of hard work to get her back. But if it were me I think I’d at least want to have a conversation, even just to scream and yell at her and let her know how bad she hurt me. Then after hearing her explanation I’d probably give in. As stubborn as I am, I have a heart and I know she does too. Hopefully she won’t stay mad forever.

chelseababyy's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Definitely. Just write her. Pour out your feelings, let your wall down and just write. Write everything you’ve ever wanted to say to her including things written here. Then do a follow up with a call like @NewZen said. It’s the most/best you can do at this point, show her that you really care, and that you’re genuinely sorry. After that, all you can do is hope.

deni's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Oh he had to have! When you think about it, what reason would he have to be honest? It probably was a lot easier to blame some things on you that weren’t necessarily true…of course I don’t know what happened but from his point of view it seems like that’d be the easier way out.

nebule's avatar

forgiveness is a wonderful thing…time… and… sincerity

rooeytoo's avatar

I think you actually did her a favor, you showed her what a louse the boyfriend is. If he will cheat on her with her own sister, he would probably cheat on her with anyone. He was unfaithful regardless of what lies he may have told her about how or why it happened.

You were wrong but it takes 2 to tango and he is the one who is supposed to be in a committed relationship.

I wonder why I always see things differently.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

@rooeytoo She did her sister a favor by sleeping with her boyfriend? Oh come on…. there are better ways to show your sister her boyfriend is a loser without sleeping with him. Glad you’re not my sister though! Wouldn’t want you to do me any “favors” like that.

rooeytoo's avatar

@BBSDTfamily – so you would rather not know that your boyfriend is a cheat?

That was a poor way to phrase the comment, and I personally would be madder than hell at my sister. And I would sure be wounded but I would also be glad that I found out what a bastard my boyfriend was before I married him or had kids by him. I think if someone gets drunk and cheats with his girlfriend’s sister, it is probably not a one off sort of thing.

If I am going to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, I would give it to my sister not the cheating boyfriend.

kellylet's avatar

When we were younger my little sister would go after every boyfriend I had. It always made me so mad because in our case she is the beautiful one and could have any man she wanted. Strangly, I knew she did it out of competiton and jelousy and a constant need of male attention… I thought that would remind me how I got over it… One night she came to my dorm hysterical crying and told me about the shit she was going through. It was a worse and more important to me than some stupid guy down the hall (however I hadn’t known/dated him that long either.)

I agree with the others. Tell her. Tell her everything. Be brave and vunerable. I also think you should forgive yourself. I wonder if it’s like love you can’t love another until you love yourself. Maybe you can’t be forgiven until you forgive yourself. You are not a bad person you just made one bad choice. the consequences suck but maybe not forever.

And why not send her flowers. They make everyone feel special. You may need to be persistant.

nebule's avatar

@kellylet beautifully said x

Dog's avatar

@NewZen & @johnpowell hit it on the head. All you can do is try sending what you wrote above- which is honest and sincere- and hope that she is in a place emotionally where she understands the value of a sister over an unfaithful guy.

Judi's avatar

Consider that she may feel like this. “My sister resents me so much that she seduced my boyfriend. Not only did she seduce him, but she wanted to see me suffer so bad that she flung it in my face. I am never going to trust her with my heart again.”
That may not be how you see it, but that may be how she sees it.
I would tell her that you are not asking her to trust you again, or to even pretend like nothing happened. Ask her to please let you back into her life in baby steps. Tell her that your not asking to be her BFF, just , for now to share a holiday meal together cordially.
Tell her that you have learned so much over this and you know there is nothing you can do to make it right.
You may not be able to truly be friends again, especially if she stays with this guy.
Some life lessons cost more than others. I am sorry for your pain.

Judi's avatar

@rooeytoo ; That makes as much since as claiming that Linda Tripp did Monica Lewensky a favor!

Beta_Orionis's avatar

@rooeytoo I actually agree.
@BBSDTfamily, @Judi The point is, while the resulting pain, betrayal, and act itself are not “a favor” and no one in their right mind would do such a thing with that as a rationale, there’s still a positive side to the action in that this quality was revealed in the boyfriend. The sister is now more fully informed regarding the character of her partner.

No one is saying that should put a positive spin on the whole situation and that @ItalianPrincess1217 merits commendation or instant forgiveness.

.
@ItalianPrincess1217 I second all the letter writing suggestions. Sometimes emotions get in the way of verbal communication. When you forced to read, sometimes you can process the information more rationally. In any case, although you might suspect lying on the boyfriend’s part, I definitely wouldn’t mention it at all. Doing so would probably trigger a defensive mentality in your sister. If you just explain what happened from your point of view, any discrepancy between your story and his will make itself apparent in her mind.

kevbo's avatar

I haven’t read any of the above, but here’s my take. The best you can do for now is small, consistent doses. Send her short messages with general stuff “Hi I was thinking about you and hope you’re doing well. I had a nice day at the park today (or whatever).” You need to demonstrate consistency, respect and a sense of cordiality (i.e. that you’re an adult and you know how to behave around her and other people). Or maybe send her holiday cards with short well-wishing messages. Do not do anything more than that—don’t plead, don’t apologize, don’t do anything but be nice and consistent. Give it a year or more and she will probably initiate a dialogue with you. From there you need to do more listening than talking, because she will at some point probably need to express her anger towards you. (And you’ll need to apologize and ask for her forgiveness at that point.) After that and things get to be more normal, be on your absolute best behavior with her, because it won’t take much for you to trigger those angry feelings again.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@kevbo GA! I was going about things in the wrong way. I did send one letter already (immediately following the incident) and I begged and pleaded for forgiveness. So I don’t think another “whoa is me” letter will have an effect on her. I will try your suggested approach and send little notes here and there. Just to let her know I’m still here.
@rooeytoo I undrstand what you mean. I know you don’t literally mean I did her a favor. But I agree that now she should be able to see the type of guy he is. I can’t come down on him too hard seeing as I was half to blame and both of us were in the wrong. And ultimately who she wants as a boyfriend is her choice, not mine. And I will do nothing further to make him look bad. As far as him telling lies, it’s not up to me to make him come clean. I would look like the bad guy again. So I’ll leave that alone.

kevbo's avatar

Sorry… I have to lol.

woe is me

I’m sure it’ll turn around someday.

Judi's avatar

@kevbo ; I didn’t catch that. I hope it wasn’t Freudian!

Val123's avatar

@chelseababyy You mean “guys will be guys, so they aren’t responsible for their actions, especially when it comes to sex?” Yes, @ItalianPrincess1217 is her sister but her sister’s boyfriend is her love, and has no more leeway in his betrayal than @ItalianPrincess1217!

I agree. Write letter. Pray. And wait….

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@kevbo Yeah I caught that too. My iPhone doesn’t allow me to edit that far down on my posts. So I was stuck with my mistake. Oops!

chelseababyy's avatar

@Val123 In a way I am saying that, however I am not saying they’re not responsible. I don’t understand how she could take him back but not her sister. Love does crazy things to you especially if the boyfriend is lying and she is believing him so it may be easier for him to get back in her life because of that.
I know from experience that one of my best friends had sex with a guy I was dating at the time. I took him back after talking with him, and it took me very long to take her back into my life. I expected more from her, and I looked at it like just a stupid mistake on his part. I know it’s naive to be like that, but that’s how I was at the time. Plus he did lie to me about everything and because I loved him, I was more inclined to believe him because I thought my best friend would have known her limits.

Stupid on my part, yes. However that’s just the way people think sometimes.

Val123's avatar

@chelseababyy Well, that is a consideration. The boyfriend gets to spin what ever tale he wants because he has the sister’s ear, so no telling what he may have told her.

Also, I think one has to consider that they may in a situation where they depend on the boyfriend for whatever reason….financially, emotionally, physically, whatever…in a way they don’t depend on a sibling, so for their own reasons they’ll chose the side that is going to be the least damaging, or uncomfortable, or most convenient for them. So in a way it’s actually quite selfish…..but I guess I’d understand. I guess it would depend how deep into the relationship you are….

chelseababyy's avatar

@Val123 Exactly. You got exactly what I was trying to say. She may be exactly doing that. Depending on her boyfriend. You’re right however, just depends on the deepness of the relationship. Selfish? Absolutely. It sucks that @ItalianPrincess1217 has to be the one suffering now in this. There is no telling what the boyfriend may or may not have said, and god knows if there were lies involved. That’s why it’s so crappy. A lot of girls are emotionally and mentally attached to their boyfriends, so while they’re able to look past the mistakes he has made, they tend to place all the blame on the other party.

rooeytoo's avatar

@Judi – to me it is a simple choice, would you rather live in a dream world and think your boyfriend is loyal, trustworthy, loving and all that. Or would you rather be aware of the reality that being he is a cheat and a liar before you are married and have kids to consider?

It is a shame that his inability to keep his pants closed had to become evident in this fashion (with @ItalianPrincess1217 ) but to me that is still better than living in a dream world.

@ItalianPrincess1217 – I am relieved you understood my response. I certainly was not trying to be flip or hurtful. I respond from my own feelings, and it is indeed hurtful the whole way around. It sounds though as if you are genuinely remorseful. I hope you get it settled between you and your sister.

Val123's avatar

I kinda wonder who initiated or encouraged it…..

ninjacolin's avatar

have you talked/sent a letter to the boyfriend? at this point, you’re already stalking your sister, but it’s probably the last thing you could do.

send a good letter to him that doesn’t accuse him of ANYthing, only speaks about what you did wrong and which asks for his help to fix a relationship. he probably ALREADY feels bad for ruining your relationship, so use those feelings against him to make him want to help you. don’t accuse him of things. just pluck on his heart strings a bit.

if she’s worried about you and him, he’s going to have to make her feel good about not being interested in you ever again.

JLeslie's avatar

I am very close to my sister, so this scenerio makes me very sad. When I first read your original question the first thing I wondered was if she was with the same guy still, I see from what you wrote she is. This makes it much more difficult for her to make up with you I think. She is being unfair, if she can forgive him she should forgive you, but I guess she needs to be angry at someone so she has chosen you.

This is a hard lesson to learn involving your sister, if it had been a friend it would have been easier to deal with, you could have accepted the loss of the relationship easier for your mistake, I can see why this is so difficult for you.

I think all you can do if she calls is tell her how much you want her in your life and how much you miss her. That you are willing to take things slowly and hope she will come to your wedding. Your wedding is a perfect family event to bring everyone together. What you have to keep in mind is seeing her boyfriend and you in the same room together might really freak her out.

Advice to you, aside from repairing the relationship, is try not to beat yourself up or obsess about it. You are a different person now, and it is her loss that she is unwilling to know you as the adult you are today.

JLeslie's avatar

One question, how old is she?

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@all So I have an interesting update…My sister finally responded in an email. Turns out her boyfriend has her convinced that the only thing that happened that night was kissing! She told me I had one chance to tell the truth and that she doesn’t believe me when I say we had sex. That little bastard is such a manipulator! He must have her thinking I was just making up those awful things to try and split them up?! What would I gain from that? So, what now? If I tell her the real truth (that we had sex) she either won’t believe me anyway or she’ll want to kill me all over again and feel totally betrayed by her boyfriend. Do I lie to save my chance at a relationship with het again? Maybe she’ll take it easier on me if I just say “You’re right, I lied about the whole thing to split you up because I was jealous”. Help! I’m completely unsure of where to go from here.

deni's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I honestly think you should just tell her the truth…You don’t want it to somehow come out years from now…that would be a disaster…and even though I think it will be really hard to tell her the truth, because like you said there’s the chance she’ll want to kill you all over again, it will be soo much easier on your conscience. Just to get it all out in the open, no more lies between you guys. Maybe she’ll finally dump that cheating young man. You know? I dunno. This is tough.

Val123's avatar

OMG!!! You poor thing. Oh gosh. Um, maybe you could say, “Well, can we just forget the whole thing and start over then?” and not commit to anything? And if she keeps pressuring you just keep saying the same thing? “Can’t we just forget the whole thing?”

Val123's avatar

@deni The thing is, @ItalianPrincess1217 confessed to her sister after it happened, and that’s how she got into this mess! She didn’t lie in the first place!

ninjacolin's avatar

nice, this is a great plot twist!

I’m totally writing your email for you:

“I’m sorry, sis, but i value you more than your own happiness. I want you back so bad and i’m terrified of ever doing anything that might possibly hurt you in the future so ic an’t lie to you now. Even though I think it might save your relationship. We totally went hardcore to the floor all night long!!! He’s most likely trying to preserve our relationship by getting you to believe that it wasn’t something more than it was. But i know you. i know you can handle the truth. We’re sisters. We’re strong and we’ll be together for the rest of our lives and it can’t be based on lies! This WILL be the last really bad thing that I ever do to you but it won’t be the last time that fail you. And i know one day you may do something horrible to me and I promise to forgive you in advance. In fact, I’m drawing up an forgiveness coupon as we speak which you can cash in at anytime. I love you, I love you soooo much and I’m sooooo sorry.” (at this point you have to get tear drops on the page.. i don’t know how you’re going to do this over email, but that’s your problem to deal with not mine) “Somehow I want to get through this with you and come out better sisters than we ever were. You may need time to deal with this.. and I don’t know what will happen between you and him. I do wish you the best though.”

okay, i’ve written as much as i can.. the rest is up to you.

er.. maybe it’d be better to do this in person somehow. i dunno.

all the best to you!
(Someone get in here and give her some real advice please!)

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@ninjacolin lmao lurve. That was hilarious! I think I might leave some of your details out though!

Val123's avatar

Um. You, refusing to committ: “Can we just put this all behind us now? Can we just forget it was ever brought up?”
Sister: “No! I want to know!”
@Princess “Why do you want to know?”
Sister: speechless.
(Actually @Italianprincess, you know better than we do how a potential conversation might go.) OK EVERYBODY! YA’LL UP FOR SOME ROLL PLAYING??

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Val123 I wish the whole avoiding the topic would work but it won’t with her. She is very stubborn. The only reason she wrote is because she wants me to finally come clean with the “truth”. Only problem is, she thinks the truth is that we only fooled around. It’s like an open invitation to lie and take the seemingly easy way out. But then I have to live knowing that I lied to save her feelings and not to mention I’ll be saving that liar of a boyfriend’s ass too.

Val123's avatar

Ok. Lets start then.
You: Can we just forget the whole thing?
What would she say…...

ninjacolin's avatar

really though.. he may just be dealing with the same stubborn sister of yours. maybe after trying the truth for a while, he’s given up and is trying the lying route.

your best bet is to assume he’s only trying to help. work backwards from there. don’t take sides against him.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Val123 I’d bet she would quickly hang up. I need a strong opening statement to keep her interested.

ninjacolin's avatar

re: strong opening statement

“Regardless of what happened.. it was ALL bad. None of it should have happened and I have a lot of work ahead of me in trying to repair the damage I’ve done.”

something like?

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@ninjacolin Nah I’m pretty positive he just straight up lied to her to save his ass. He got to her before I ever had a chance to explain things. He convinced her how bad of a sister I was for trying to get them to split up and got her to block my nimber so I would never have the chance to tell her truth. Now that I found a way to get in touch with her again he’s probably shitting his pants.

ninjacolin's avatar

just don’t mix messages. do not try to pit her against him.
just speak about what you did wrong. once you’ve won her over, you can get to him.

best strategy.

JLeslie's avatar

OMG this so sucks. I think I agree with just saying something, “can we just put that all behind us?” If she insists on an answer, maybe be honest about your predicament. “I don’t want to do anything to interfere with your relationship with your SO, why are you asking me this?” Or, maybe word it differently but along those lines. That way you are stating you have no intention of harming her, which is what she must have thought all of this time, or maybe that is how the boyfriend twisted it. I figure she has emailed you because she wants to be sisters again, or she doesn’t trust him worth a lick still, and is trying to gather information. I think the best is to try to stay out of the middle of them. Maybe if you ask her why she is asking you can get more insight into how she is thinking. What do you think?

JLeslie's avatar

I just read @ninjacolin suggestion, that sounds good too.

deni's avatar

Wait wait. Okay. So you confessed that it happened so she knew you had sex and then like, forced it out of her mind? And no longer believes it? So she thought you were lying the first time you told her, way back when???

JLeslie's avatar

@deni it seems like the boyfriend twisted it and made it sound like @ItalianPrincess1217 was a mean sister who wants to distroy their relationship. Read the original question again, it will make sense to you.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@JLeslie I’m hoping she realizes that my intentions were never to break them up. She said “You have no reason to lie now so tell me the truth”. So she’s obviously aware that I really don’t have any reason at all to continue a lie years after the fact. And what about the fact that I told my own boyfriend when this happened and it nearly broke us up. Why on earth would I tell my s/o that I cheated when I really didn’t?? Because I like drama? Ha!

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Maybe I can start off by saying something like “At the risk of completely losing you all over again and possibly having you think I’m lying, I’ve decided to tell you the real truth. It hasn’t changed from my story I told you years ago. But I have no interest in breaking you two up. All I care about is making things right between us again.” Does that work? What should I change?

Val123's avatar

First, some facts. How long ago was this and how long had they been together before it happened? If he’s a low down cheater, and enough time has passed, he’s done it again, and, as discussed before, she probably knows it, whether she wants to admit it or not. Or, it may have been a one-time “OMG, what have I done” thing. I’ve been cogitating on an opening statement, but I think I need that information to know if it’s the right thing…...

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Val123 This was a few summers ago. I can’t recall the exact date or even year for that matter. When bad things happen I tend to block details out. I think it might have been a slip up on his part but I don’t know him well enough to say he’d never cheat again. The fact that he has still kept such a huge lie after all this time shows me something about the kind of man he really is. Don’t you agree? Anyone with a heart and guilty conscience eventually feels the need to come clean, right?

Val123's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Uh, no. People can take secrets to their grave. If is WAS a one-time slip up on his part, well…I have some MORE thinking to do.

How long have they been together, total?

ninjacolin's avatar

“I’ve decided this isn’t fun anymore. You are my sister and I want to hang out with you no matter what has happened between us. I know it sounds easy for me to say since I’m not the one who was betrayed, but that’s just the way it is. You either agree with me or you don’t and that’s what’s going to affect our relationship going forward.

I want to see you. We’ll talk about this of course and more but I want to see you and start over. If you would liek to see me and make things better, then let’s meet up! There’s no other way for us to get better without first acknowledging that no mistake is greater than our togetherosity.

When can I see you. Much love,

Sis”

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Val123 True. I guess I’m just not one of those people who can live a lie. They’ve been together for quite awhile. Maybe 4 years now? I’m not really sure.

Val123's avatar

(don’t know about ya’ll, but when I have list of activities for you, I search this one out first!)

@nnjacolin….nice….nice….I think we’re getting somewhere. We’ll save our Princess yet!

OK….so if he’s a snake in the grass, she knows by now, which will help her believe it’s the truth. If he’s not a snake, and it was a one time thing, maybe this would address both scenerios “Well…I have told you the truth, and it’s something you didn’t want to hear and I so totally don’t blame you. It was a one time, spontaneous thing that we both regret not clarifying exactly who “both” is referring to! You and her or you and him! It was an awful mistake and, well…you know, this isn’t really just between you and me. It’s between all three of us, so maybe we could sit down, all three of us, and talk it over. For those who saw it the first time…need some help in planting in sister’s head the concept that if it was totally innocent, as he claims, then if he should have no reason to get his back up about a meeting…but not coming right out and saying it. Need to plant a seed here. Help.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Thanks for all the help guys! I really do appreciate it :) I’m stressing out about this.

deni's avatar

It’s so weird to me this whole thing, you telling her what happened, her shutting you out of her life but then years later she thinks all you two did was kiss. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense. Perhaps she doesn’t want to see that her boyfriend has any flaws…i dunno.

I think up above somewhere someone suggested sitting down with both of them and talking about it (I can’t find who said it now) but I disagree with that. You want your sister back in your life, not him, so why bring him into this? Plus I assume it would be awkward, and it just seems unnecessary for him to be there. It’s between you and her…idk. I wouldn’t want him around.

Val123's avatar

Here’s one more thought. Send a response “Does BF know that you’ve contacted me about this.” And that’s all.
If she send back “No, why?”
You say, “Well, I’m just wondering what his response would be if he did.”
In your own words, he’d be “shitting his pants!” Hey! Your sister is FEMALE! (I assume. Nowadays you never know!) That might just be enough for her to poke him, let him know that she’s contacted you about it. If he over reacts (“nothing happened” according to him, what’s to over react about??) she’ll catch it. She’ll catch it. If she doesn’t rise to the bait, she’ll know, deep down inside that she didn’t rise to the bait, and subconsciously ask herself why…..let it ferment for a few days…you know how us women are. We’re like bread dough. We slowly grow bigger and stronger and madder with time.
Maybe a bit of dangling and silence is required. Let her work on it at her end.

Conversely, if her response is, “Yes, he knows,”
You say, “What was his reaction?”
Her….probably evasion! Which means seeds have been sown.
More tomorrow, unless you have it worked out….“When in doubt, do nothing…”—some famous person. Perhaps me.

Val123's avatar

@deni Twas I who suggested it. Reason being, they’ve been together four years, and he just might become a permanent part of the family, and she’ll be dealing with him for the next 40 years! It truly isn’t between just @Princess. It truly is an issue between the three of them.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@deni I think it has a lot to do with the fact that she has a certain idea of how her boyfriend is. She has always thought he was perfect. I’m sure even if she has a deep down feeling that he’s lied all along, she doesn’t want to let it be true. She’d rather assume her sister is the bad guy, and not the love of her life. Maybe it hurts less for her?

Val123's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Ya. But if they’re serious this…well, this is only one of many hurdles to get over in the next 60 years.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@all So if I come right out and tell her what happened (again), what’s the worst that could happen? Hasn’t that already happened? I’m not a part of her life now. She hates me. And she is still with that loser. Telling her the truth might cause things to remain exactly the same. Or it could make us closer. Either way, it’s not going to make a huge difference in my life if she chooses not to believe me. Right? I’ve got nothing to lose at this point.

deni's avatar

True. I suppose if they’ve been together this long, he just may end up becoming part of the family. And then if that happened there would need to be a conversation to straighten things out amongst the 3 of them, so, okay, yeah, makes sense to me now.

And yes! Worst case scenario is already the scenario thats being played out…so the only place to go is up!

Val123's avatar

Good point…..good point. Let me go back and read the email again….OK. Just reply “I didn’t lie. We had sex, and I regret it horribly and obviously so does he.” End of story. @deni ? Thoughts? @ninjacolin ?

deni's avatar

Yes. I think a short and to the point response such as yours @Val123 is the best course of action. Bravo, bravo.

Val123's avatar

@deni Thanks. Cause…it’s gotta come out sometime. And lies fester like open infections. Truth begins to scab over. O, aren’t families wonderful. I swear, I’ll be waking up all night in a cold sweat, checking Fluther, to see if there are any new developments. Kind of like being under a tornado warning….

deni's avatar

Yesmm I agree. If it were me I would just want to be OUT WITH IT. Get it out there, the sister will handle it as she will and thats all you can do.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Val123 I know how you feel! I’ll be up all night checking my email and making sure I didn’t miss any phone calls. This is nuts!

Val123's avatar

Hey…at least you’ve got a shot…..you want to take it, trust me.

Judi's avatar

I wouldn’t directly answer the question. I would say;
Look, whatever happened happened. I have no desire to get in the middle of your relationship. I want you to be happy. No matter how I answer your question the bottom line is, I was wrong. Regardless of how far things went, I hurt you and disrespected you. I was a horrible sister and I am terribly ashamed. I wish I could make that whole night go away but I can’t. I am so sorry.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Judi Sounds good to me.

JLeslie's avatar

The thing is, if she is suspicious of her SO she will want details probably. Maybe @ninjacolin has a point about trying to force a meeting in person? Miscommunication can happen easily online.

JLeslie's avatar

I do think say as little as possible, to try to see if she starts talking. If I had not talked to my sister in years because I was pissed, I don’t think the first thing I would ask is, did you really do what you said you did.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@JLeslie True. But do you suggest a meeting with all 3 of us? I feel like I should definitely talk with her first before getting him involved at all. Who knows, once I tell her everything she might leave him. And then there would be no need to have a meeting. And I don’t intend on telling her anything online or by email. I told her if she wants the truth she needs to call me.

Judi's avatar

I don’t like the idea of all three of you getting together. The goal is reconciliation with your sister, not getting to the bottom of “the truth.” @ItalianPrincess1217, If I am understanding you right, you are willing to let her believe what ever she wants to believe (although I’ll bet somewhere in her heart she already knows,) as long as you can begin to have a relationship with her again. Am I right?

JLeslie's avatar

He should not be in the picture while you try to repair your relationship with her.

deni's avatar

@JLeslie you’re spot on!

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Judi It’s not so much about the truth for me but it is for her. It’s the first thing she asked when emailing me. Though I don’t want to come between her realtionship or influence any decisions she makes towards him, I also don’t want to tell a total lie. If she keeps asking “Tell me what really happened!” I can’t bring myself to say “I lied about sleeping with him. It never happened…” I’m sure it would work out great for me but it’s not worth lying about it.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@JLeslie I agree. I want nothing to do with him at this point in time. I want my sister back, not him. In the future, if he’s still around I’ll figure out how to handle being civil but for now my concern isn’t with him.

JLeslie's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I think you are right with your last post. It would be impossible for me to lie also if asked directly like that. All I can say is, if the worst happens and she still hates you, I feel kind of confident that eventually she will see him for what he is, and in the end come back to you. It really seems likely he is not trustworthy, look how he twisted everything already.

Judi's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 ; There is no way I would lie, but I might just say, the details wont help or fix anything. It would be to painful for everyone involved. I would go as far out of my way as I could to avoid the appearance of calling her SO a liar, without lying myself.

JLeslie's avatar

@Judi I agree with you, but if it were me I would want to know I think. I doubt she will get away with an answer that doesn’t really answer the question. It’s worth a try though.

Judi's avatar

@JLeslie ; Her refusal to answer will speak volumes. It will just take tact to tell her without really telling her. A very fine line.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

So the plan is to tell the honest to God truth without going into any gross details or pointing the finger at her s/o. Now I just hope she actually calls me!

JLeslie's avatar

I’m stressed just thinking about it.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@JLeslie I’m sorry :( I don’t mean to pass my stress on to you! I’ve just been waiting for this moment for years. Now it’s happening and I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to not screw it up.

JLeslie's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 I just know how it is. I have two relatives very close to me who don’t talk, well one refuses, and the other one is desperate for a relationship (you sound more rational and accepting than him) and it is a very difficult and sad situation in my family, which is very small. We go through scenerios trying to figure what might turn things around, worried to say something wrong or screw up a possible chance. In the end, in my situation the person who is angry and hurt, just is too far gone, she is too affected in her overall life by the situation. I know I am being vague. Anyway, she would never even send an email, it has been almost 10 years now, she refused to go to my grandmothers funeral (she was very close to my grandmother) because he would be there, it is just ridiculous. So, I think there is hope in your situation, that she wrote you so quickly.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

New update! I just received another email from her. She stated that before she can decide whether or not to call me she needed the truth. She claimed she didn’t care either way, she just wanted to know. So…I told her. I added a little bit of everything you all suggested. I also added that it would have been an easy way out if I just lied and told her we just kissed but I hoped she would respect me more for having the balls to be honest, even if I lost her in the end. Everyone cross your fingers for me. I know I don’t deserve
another chance but maybe she’ll have a heart??

JLeslie's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 That sounds very positive. I am very hopeful for you.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

Well, it looks like I should’ve lied. She believes me, but said she can’t bring herself to speak with me.

Val123's avatar

Oh NO! You have balls @ItalianPrincess1217?? and the plot thickens….JK!!
Fingers crossed….I was reading the refutals from people whose opinions I SO respect about the three of you not sitting down initially (my idea) and I believe they are right. The time will come. Lord, I haven’t even gone to bed, and now I don’t even want to GO to bed…............fingers crossed, honey. Prayers going up….

kellylet's avatar

Be proud of yourself for telling her the truth. It was very brave.

Oh no. I am so sorry. I just read your/her response. In my opinion this is only the begining. Keep at it. Let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Don’t pester her but occasionally contact her in bits.

Also. From what you have said, it sounds like she is starting to realize or suspect he is a dog. He may talk his way out of it many times, at some point she will realize he’s no good, hopefully.

Val123's avatar

Oh. What a let down…..but…the truth is out there, it’s accepted….let it ride for a time….(she say why she suddenly believes you?) And there are a hundred reasons why she said she can’t bring herself to talk to you….let it rest for a bit….breath.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@kellylet Thank you. I don’t feel very brave but I’m sure I will eventually.
@Val123 She didn’t say why she believes me. Probably because my email was straight from the heart and my story was solid. I can’t blame her at all for not wanting anything to do with me right now. Here I thought she knew the truth all along but really she’s just finding out for the first time tonight. I thought she had years to let the hurt fade but it’s now a fresh wound. She was respectful to me and that’s all I can ask for. She let me know she thinks about me often and loves me but she can’t have me in her life at this time. And I have no choice but to accept her decision and hope one day it’ll all work out.

kellylet's avatar

It sound like there is a lot of hope and love there.

deni's avatar

I have high hopes for this. I think she’ll come around. Like I said before, you put it out there and thats all you can do and at the very least way deep down I bet she’s the tiniest bit glad that you got in touch with her. I hope, anyhow.

Val123's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy….. when skys are gray. You’ll never know dear…. how much I love you. Please don’t take… my sunshine away…...shhhhhh. It’ll be OK…...rest…sleep

She’ll come around. Give it time….

kellylet's avatar

Is you SO around? Does he know what’s going on?

((hug )) it will be ok & you have support here. Try to rest. Good night.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@all Thanks so much you guys. Even after knowing the awful thing I did to my sister, you guys have been so supportive.
@kellylet He’s been in bed for hours so I’m alone in this for right now. I filled him in before he went to bed but since then, so much more has happened. Talking about this on Fluther has really helped. I’ll forever remember how great you all have been. I owe ya one ;)

deni's avatar

i’ll remember this if i need a kidney later in life….HAHA jk!

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@deni Count me in! I have a lot of bad karma heading my way that I need to start counteracting soon!!

kellylet's avatar

Let us know how you are doing tommorrow & keep us updated on things.

JLeslie's avatar

I have a feeling she has to get rid of him to be able to be close to you again. She has to blame and hate someone, and she picked you for now. Things could still change. I still think your wedding coming up might help.

Val123's avatar

@JLeslie Good point. When it’s family, there are bound to be times when you’re forced together, like reunions, weddings, funerals and stuff.

So, do we have an update?

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

I haven’t heard anything since the last email. I’m not sure what her plan is. I did notice that in her email she said she would expect that kind of thing from a guy but not from a family member. Sounds like she’s excusing his behavior. When in reality we both did the same thing wrong…the difference is he has lied about it for years while I have been honest from the start. I just don’t understand women who excuse their guys from cheating because they think it’s an expected behavior!

Val123's avatar

That concept of, “Guys will be guys,” just absolutely sucks. She’s gonna have a long road of it if she consistently gives him excuses for crappy behavior….I just pray it works out. I’ve been estranged from my sister for many years, for reasons I don’t even know, and it absolutely sucks.

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Val123 This is kind of strange but for some reason I feel…good. Almost like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And I’m not sure why. All along I had already assumed she knew the truth so it’s not like telling her last night should have made me feel any differently. And she doesn’t even want to give me another chance right now so that shouldn’t make me feel very good either. But I do feel good. Is that wrong?

Judi's avatar

You feel better because she acknowledged the truth. A step in the right direction.

Val123's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Did ya like my lullabye? I woke this morning going, Oh S%^+!!! Did I really do that?! :)

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

@Val123—Yes! It made me
crack up laughing. I knew you must have pretty tired ;)—

Val123's avatar

@ItalianPrincess1217 Uh…yeah. That’s it! Tired. I was reeeeal tired! Whew! Well, I gotta go. Have a teaching gig from 3 to 8, so I’ll catch up with you guys after I get back.

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