Social Question

Unofficial_Member's avatar

Shouldn't the third-person be thanked instead?

Asked by Unofficial_Member (5099points) January 22nd, 2017

It’s very often for me to see that people hate or wanting to hurt the third person who is having relationship with their SO. As if they’ve forgotten that it takes two to tango, they ignore the fact that this situation actually an eye-opening event and benefits themselves despite having been betrayed.

Common example: A has been betrayed by B, B is having relationship with C. Upon finding out about this A lashes out on C, calling C husband stealer and want to make her regret her actions. A then goes back to B to ask why B did this to her and at the same time self-blaming herself. The acts done by A here clearly shows that A is a weak and clingy woman.

How it should be: Upon the revelation that B is cheating on A, A meets C while she’s with B to congratulate them both. A sincerely thanks C because she has shown that her husband is actually a cheater all this time and that she’s happy to have finally been shown the truth. As for B, A said that she only regrets one thing, that is, if only B did this sooner she wouldn’t have wasted her time with a liar (B) this long and could have spent (intimate) time with someone else. A acts indifferent toward B’s betrayal. A knows that C is not obliged to not having relationship with a married person, that other women other than C could have easily done the same thing so it’s wrong to scapegoat C, and that it wasn’t C’s fault because if B really was a loyal husband he himself, as an adult and married man, could have refused having a relationship with C. Without being sarcastic, A sincerely congratulates the relationshio between B and C. This shows that even without B, A is still a happy and complete person.

I am giving this example because I found that many people were stupidly acting like the common example I provided above, while they could have been smart and awared about their happiness in their own independence.

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7 Answers

Sneki95's avatar

It may be that people refuse to see the errors in the ones they love, or better yet, they can’t or won’t accept that the ones they love don’t love them back anymore.

It’s easier to tell yourself that your habibi is “taken” (as if he were some object rather than thinking and feeling being, which may tell you what the person in question actually thinks about her habibi, but whatever) by some evil habibi snatcher, than to accept that you chased your habibi away, and he doesn’t want you anymore, and things just happen like that sometimes.

It’s just a case of not being ready to accept the truth: your habibi left you, on his own, and he had reasons for it, and his new lover is better for him than you. Or, he is simply an ass. Either way, he is not as benign and innocent and perfect as you think, to just be manipulated and taken by some evil relationship destroyer just like that.

There is probably some more elaborate way to say this, with some Latin words to describe it, but that is about it. The reason may be over-idolizing your habibi (which may as well be a form of disrespecting), or being to egoistic to accept it’s your and his fault you lost him, not the fault of the new woman he is with.

Just my thoughts.

Mimishu1995's avatar

No one is really at fault here, but no one has any credit either.

From an outsider’s view, A is doing something wrong to B. But from A’s view, how is anyone to know that A intentionally does it? She may not be able to see the fault in her action, and she may even have a good intention. It’s just that her action isn’t right.

Nevertheless, B can’t stand A and goes have an affair. Many men cheat on their wives not because they are a cheater at heart, but because they want some peace and quiet, with another person. B’s fault is that he isn’t clear with A what is bothering him, but it could also be that he is unable to settle down the conflict.

And how do you know that C is the right person for B all along? It isn’t uncommon for a third person to be flirtatious, or have an agenda. There are a lot of reason for a third person to jump in other than being “a hapless victim”. You’re partly right that every woman can do the same thing as C, but C is at the right place and time.

You seem to be giving the third person too much credit. And in the end suggesting that B and C should go together and A is better off alone is like encouraging A to just turn B over for C. A is angry of B’s betrayal right? So doesn’t it sound hypocritical that A can turn B over so easily without any hesitation? It means that A isn’t so loyal as she thinks she is at all and she can hand over her husband to anyone who wants him.

There is a lot of possibilities if you dig deeper. I personally find it hard to jump to any conclusion so quickly.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

@Mimishu1995 “From an outsider’s view, A is doing something wrong to B”
Are you sure the public will jump first to that conclusion? Usually people will say that the bad guy is the cheater. There should be, under no circumstance, B’s action of cheating is justified, even by outsider’s point of view. It’s like saying that it only deserving that your husband cheating on you because you both have relationship problems.

“Many men cheat on their wives not because they are a cheater at heart, but because they want some peace and quiet, with another person”
Is that a justification of cheating action? When a man cheats, he’s by default is the wrong one, there should be no excuses to make him appear as the victim of the issue. Otherwise, everyone can use the excuse of “wanting to find peace” to cheat on their SO.

“And how do you know that C is the right person for B all along? It isn’t uncommon for a third person to be flirtatious, or have an agenda”
A doesn’t know (nor should she cares). A simply trust B’s judgement and decision, after all, that is what B really want. If B encounters a problem in having relationship with C then it’s his own problem. Well, he picked C over A, and as an full grown adult and a man he should accept the consequence of his own action.

“A is angry of B’s betrayal right? So doesn’t it sound hypocritical that A can turn B over so easily without any hesitation? It means that A isn’t so loyal as she thinks she is at all and she can hand over her husband to anyone who wants him”
You’re suggesting that A should be loyal to B even after B cheated on A. When someone cheat on you they have destroyed your trusts, they don’t deserve your loyalty anymore. Whether or not you should give them second chance is up to you, but I believe the majority wouldn’t do it. You make it sounds like A can’t accept the reality that B already like C, and that A is not an independent woman that can happily live on her own and be happy about other people’s relationship. I need to add that even if you’re persistent in not handing over your man to another woman after he cheated on you, there’s nothing you can do when he himself wants to be with someone else other than you. Well, he has every right and freedom to do so, all you can do is to respect his decision and let him do what wants with his life, as you can do what you want with yours too. Which is why divorce is not uncommon and is what settle the problem.

JLeslie's avatar

Not thanked.

Having respect for someone else’s marriage should be part of the social contract. Some people cheat because there is simply opportunity to do it. Some cheat, because their relationship is stressed and an opportunity presents itself, and the individual just has no experience working on marriage or realizing the impact of what is happening.

Being the provider of the opportunity (the third person) is simply wrong and breaks the golden rule.

In the end the responsibility is with the two married people, but we can do what we can as outsiders to not interfere in someone’s marriage.

Unofficial_Member's avatar

@JLeslie Not thanked? Even after third person reveals that your spouse is actually a cheater? Had the thrid person not shown you the truth you would have lived with a veiled cheater for as long as you could remember. Or perhaps you want people to prefer to live under fake security and pretending infidelity is not happening in their relationship? The third person here is simply a catalyst in helping you find out about the truth.

“Having respect for someone else’s marriage should be part of the social contract”
But but not everyone want to/can be forced in to such contract, especially outsiders. It should also be noted that other people’s freedom and rights are more important than the rule set in someone’s marriage/relationship. Also, whatever reason one might have for cheating it could never be a justification for their cheating action.

“Being the provider of the opportunity (the third person) is simply wrong and breaks the golden rule”
This is like justifying that a killer is not wrong for killing people since there are shops that sell knifes, poison, etc that allow the killer to kill someone. You can’t control who your spouse want to have relationship with, and obviously you can’t control how other people must react toward your spouse’s advances. My belief is that the thrid person should not be hated because of utilizing his/her freedom and rights. It’s the cheating spouse that should be blamed. As I said before it takes two to tango, even if the thrid person is providing the opportunity if your spouse is really loyal he/she wouldn’t cheat on you. On the contrary, if your spouse has done actions to get close to the prospective thrid person but got rejected then your spouse is by default a cheater, as even if the prospective thrid person rejected him/her this time there’s always another chance for your spouse to do it with another more willing thrid person next time since it’s all started from your spouse.
.
.

Reading a few sympathetic statements toward cheaters here make me think that people want to try understand the reasons behind someone who is cheating (as if cheating can be excused) instead of becoming someone independent that is confident enough to end their tainted relationship and wishing good relationship to other people.

JLeslie's avatar

^^Spouses have symptoms of being cheaters before they even cheat. The symptoms are exactly the same before they cheat and when they are cheating. You don’t need a third person to know your spouse is emotionally absent from the relationship and things are going to shit.

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