General Question

kheredia's avatar

Should she give back the ring?

Asked by kheredia (5558points) July 14th, 2009

My sister dated this guy for almost ten years. They were engaged for two. She caught him cheating and forgave him. They tried to make it work but my sister had problems trusting him again so she literally stalked him and read all his personal stuff. After some time she found out he was cheating again with a different girl. This time she went crazy and told both of them off and made quite the scene outside his apartment.

Do you guys think it is mentally healthy for her to keep the ring? Or should she just give it back and end this for good?

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38 Answers

SirBailey's avatar

Keep the ring and cash it in!!!

Facade's avatar

I’m with @SirBailey
The guy should suffer monetarily :)

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Selling the ring would be spiteful and ultimately, spite is unhealthy.

SirBailey's avatar

You’re entitled to it since HE cheated and, therefore, broke the “contract”, so selling it is what you should do.

chyna's avatar

I would give it back and get on with life. That way, there will be no sentimental attachments to the ring.

casheroo's avatar

I would pawn it.

tinyfaery's avatar

If he wants it back I think she should give it to him. If he doesn’t want it back, or says nothing either way, sell it.

cak's avatar

Legally, it was a gift and the promise of marriage – in which the terms were broken by the ex. She can keep the ring.

My suggestion, right now, she should do nothing. She’s far too emotional. Make any further decisions when she is less angry and less emotional about the situation.

My first engagement ended horribly, with him cheating. In a rash decision, I flushed the ring, while crying and a bit tipsy. I called a plumber for help, luckily, he could save the ring. That was almost a very pricey emotional tantrum.

She could always have the diamond reset into something else.

edited to add: Legally should be used cautiously, as we are not all in the same areas; however, that is the way things are in my state.

SirBailey's avatar

@tinyfaery, oh NO WAY. He’s not entitled. An engagement ring is considered part of a contract and the party that breaks the contract looses out. When one party cheats, legally, that party is the one who broke it.

tinyfaery's avatar

I didn’t say he was entitled. If I loved someone and this happened, I’d give it back if he asked. I wouldn’t want it. And I wouldn’t want to be laden with thoughts of bitterness and revenge.

prude's avatar

been engaged 3 X and have three rings.
what does he need them back for?
I was not for rent or on contract.
it was meant for me

cak's avatar

@tinyfaery That is exactly what I did, later down the road. I didn’t keep it and sell it. I held onto mine, after the plumber rescued it. We both had better lives, without each other, anyway. In fact, 20 years later, we’re friends. Both happily married and have families.

kheredia's avatar

@cak But did you have trouble moving on because of that piece of memorabilia? I’m just afraid that if she keeps it, she’ll have trouble getting over this and moving on with her life.

Tink's avatar

Hell no!! The guy must have been a dick, I say to tell her to keep it.

cak's avatar

@kheredia – Not so much the ring. It was the memories. See if she will let you put the ring in a safe place. I put mine in a safety deposit box that my family had.

What hurts is the pain of betrayal and the lost memories and potential of what was to be, not the ring. She needs the time to grieve, it’s important, she’s lost something big in her life; however, she needs to be able to function.

I strongly suggest the ring stay out of her daily sight, if she is fixating on it, though.

It’s not an easy time. There’s humiliation, pain and sorrow – you are just completely raw.

You are being a wonderful sister to be so concerned. If she makes a decision now, she might regret it later. Just remove it from daily viewing, if that is driving her anguish.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I’d go to his place with a friend, give it back to him and tell him to never contact me again.

Why give it back and not cash in?

Because I highly doubt that the ring is worth the amount of money that would count in my eyes in making up for 10 years lost.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I’d give the ring back for a few reasons:

*having it back is rejection of his suit regardless if he turned out to be a cheater. Having the ring back confirms he is unwanted.

*him having the ring back puts the embarassment on him to go and try to sell it or pawn it off on another.

*him having the ring is a reminder of his mistakes and the potential good he lost in the girl. Let him carry the weight of that stone!

kheredia's avatar

Thank you all for your input. You’ve all given me something to think about. I’ll be talking to my sister and helping her get through this. In the end, what ever she does with the ring will be her decision. I’ll just be sure to advise her as best as I can. Your thoughts are truly appreciated.

Sariperana's avatar

Melt it down and make something nicer…!

westy81585's avatar

If your sister didn’t actually marry him, she legally HAS to give the ring back. Failure to do so could result in a lawsuit. The ring counts as a sort of “collateral” or “contract” that your sister will marry him. If she decides NOT to marry him, she LEGALLY has to give the ring back.

That having been said, the odds that he knows this are slim to nil, as apparently no one here knew that.

cak's avatar

@westy81585 – no – he broke the contract, thus she can keep the ring. At least in some places. The ring stands as a promise to wed, he negated that contract when he slept with another woman.

tinyfaery's avatar

And this is why the law has no buisness in our relationships.

westy81585's avatar

@cak His monogamy was not on the contract. TRUST me, I’ve taken many criminology classes, and this topic in specific came up.

The ring is ONLY A CONTRACT that says she will marry him. It can ONLY BE BROKEN by one or the other deciding they won’t marry.

cak's avatar

@tinyfaery agreed

@westy81585 Funny, I won my case in court. He was keeping property of mine until I returned the ring. I walked away with the ring and my property. He ended up with nothing. I respect the fact that you took classes and know this to be true; however, this is what happened in my case.

What does it say about me that I returned it, decades later. Odd. I wanted my damn property back! Didn’t care about the ring, as much!

westy81585's avatar

@cak I’m assuming your X called off the engagement with you? In that case, there may be an argument to keep the ring. But if he simply cheated on you but didn’t want to call of the engagement, then everything I’ve been taught says there’s no argument for keeping the ring.

Also if you actually GET married, then this no longer applies, as everything is divided up.

cak's avatar

@westy81585 – I told him I couldn’t ever see a point where I could trust him. It wasn’t an intimidate and rash decision, but it came to a final decision when we sat and talked things out. Hysterics weren’t involved, but a long discussion.

filmfann's avatar

I am kind of surprised she would want to keep the ring. If he was such a jerk, I would think she wouldn’t want to be reminded of him.
If she wants to keep it, I guess she can. Do you think he will give it to another girl? Not if she knows it’s second hand! (no pun intended)

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Definitely she needs to give the ring back. She didn’t pay for it, and him cheating on her doesn’t justify her keeping it. Plus it is just a hurtful reminder of the past. Nobody will benefit from her keeping it.

sap82's avatar

If she knows whats good for her.

CMaz's avatar

Toss the ring in the coffee grinder. Then give it back.

Actually, just give it back. You do not need the memory or the money. You are a better person then he is. That is all you need to hold on to.

DrBill's avatar

Etiquette dictates,

If HE brakes it of, she keeps the ring.

If SHE brakes it off, she gives it back.

He has not refused to fulfill the marriage contract, unless he refuses to marry her. Although what he did was wrong, he cannot violate the marriage contract if they are not yet married.

LexWordsmith's avatar

If she needs the revenge of selling the ring to heal from this, then sell it. If she wants to seize the moral high ground, then she could make him watch her throw it into some place from which it cannot be recovered, while saying “This was meant to symbolize a promise that you didn’t keep, so its value is zero.” Whatever she does, definitely don’t keep it around as a reminder of her suffering and loss.

filmfann's avatar

I don’t think she needs to seize the moral high ground, considering he slept around on her.
If she keeps the ring, no one will think “that poor guy!”

LexWordsmith's avatar

Maybe she doesn’t want to advertise that she knew that he was cheating, turning queries about that aside with “That’s between me and him, and i don’t want to discuss it.” Maybe his cheating on her is something that she doesn’t want people she doesn’t like to be able to throw up to her face mockingly in public, so she wants to be in a position to chill conversation about it and make anyone who brings it up in her presence look unmannered, even though his actions are in no way her fault or responsibility.

cyn's avatar

I think she should give it back…or better yet…sell it!
caching!

shipwrecks's avatar

I agree, I think she should sell the ring. It was a gift, it was a promise of marriage, he broke the contract symbolized by the ring.

Personally, I gave my fiance the ring back after I broke off my engagement, but it was a family heirloom.

partyparty's avatar

Sell the ring and buy herself something she has always wanted

Just_Justine's avatar

I’d heal my self and forget about the ring, it’s just a thing.

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