General Question

Facade's avatar

Do you think it's time for a separation when you no longer care to hear what your spouse has to say about anything?

Asked by Facade (22937points) July 19th, 2009

This is just a general hypothetical.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

30 Answers

EmpressPixie's avatar

Absolutely. Even if only for a short time. Sounds like you need to take a break from each other.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

When there’s no communication, there’s no relationship.

Bluefreedom's avatar

Communication is a vital part of any healthy relationship. If it was a persistent problem with no foreseeable chances of a positive change, seperation would be a wise choice, I think, to prevent animosity between the couple.

Facade's avatar

@EmpressPixie just so we’re clear, this isn’t about me :)

gailcalled's avatar

Hypothetically, are you relieved when he leaves and depressed when he returns?

EmpressPixie's avatar

@Facade: I’m using the general “you”, not necessarily the specific YOU.

gailcalled's avatar

@Facade : Me, too, about “you”. I could have used “I,” because it was one of the big signals that my marriage was in trouble (And it was. And it ended.)

Facade's avatar

excuse my defensive nature everyone. please and thank you.

Jeruba's avatar

At least.

dannyc's avatar

What i think is irrelevant. it is your business (or hypothetically whomever), their decision, This type of question without full specifics, is an answer doomed to innacuracy on a specific basis, and in essence, best not to provide an opinion.

Facade's avatar

@dannyc knowing just the facts provided, what would be your suggestion?

cookieman's avatar

I can’t say if it’s time to separate or end the relationship. I’d need to know more about this hypothetical couple.

But I do know one thing: Apathy is worse than anger. If “you” don’t care what your SO has to say, that’s a MAJOR problem.

marinelife's avatar

The not communicating is a symptom. To me it is a sign that the couple need to look closely at their relationship.

People often use not communicating as a sign that it is OK to look outside the marriage.

I think the opposite is true. It is a strong sign that you need to work together to see what went wrong, to remember what drew you together in the first place.

Lovey_Howell's avatar

I would say it’s more the time to find out why you no longer care about anything your partner says, and once you find out the reason why, then determine if you care enough to fix it.

Bri_L's avatar

This is really scaring me although I knew what the answers would probably be. I get the feeling that is where my wife is at.

Facade's avatar

@Bri_L I’m sorry to hear that

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

yeah that sounds like my ex and I – definitely time to end it

Bri_L's avatar

Thanks. We still have to try theropy but I have not found a way to get her in there.

dannyc's avatar

Well, given these limited facts i would approach the situation as follows.
1. Ask myself if I have given maximum effort in communicating to my spouse.
2. If answer is yes, then, assuming I wanted the relationship to continue, I would sit down with my spouse and specifically ask the question: Why are we not communicating properly and how would you suggest that we improve it? It is important to me that we do so, and I am hoping it is important to you. Can we get examples out in the air and I will tell you what makes me tell you this?
3. If you feel truly you have not tried to communicate properly, then you must ask yourself the question why..then give your spouse the benefit of knowing that you have failed at such. You may, just my hypothesis to be tested, find that your spouse may have retreated from you because he/she perceives the barrier of the lack of connection, leading to an exacerbation of the problem. The thing you have seen may be a result rather than a cause of your actions.
4. If you feel that a separation is necessary, I still suggest a full dialogue to openly, accurately and honestly get your feelings between parties out in the open, no holds barred, no denial, just honesty. It may just open up to the possibility of a mutually beneficial solution, borne of understanding of some problem that may come to the surface from completely open dialogue.

YARNLADY's avatar

There can be many different reasons to stay in a relationship that changes from love to a distant partnership. In my case, my former spouse was in the process of getting a divorce when he was struck down by cancer, and his ‘new’ lover disappeared. I took care of him until he passed on.

In my parents relationship, my Dad was supreme boss of the house, and it didn’t matter if he cared what Mom said. They were married until death did them part, (nearly a half century).

richardhenry's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir You confused me for a moment; I was trying to figure out how you could still be in a relationship with your ex, and how it was time to end it with someone you’d already ended it with.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Yes. 100% time. Unless you still care about other things that give reason to stay… I assume by not caring what they have to say means you do not respect them, their opinion, and they annoy you. So yes.

augustlan's avatar

In my experience, this is definitely the time to either fix it or get out of it. Don’t let it move beyond ‘not caring’ to ‘contempt’.

Darwin's avatar

I would tend to ask myself why I don’t care any longer. If it is a fixable problem I would work with my spouse to fix it, especially if my spouse still did care what I thought or said. If it wasn’t fixable I would do my best to part amicably.

skfinkel's avatar

What? How long have you been married? do you have children? these are questions I think are relevant before deciding to leave a marriage. A marriage is a promise to be together though lots of difficult times. Have you tried doing things together, even movies or a hike or something, so you can share some experiences? And if you have children, you definitely need to make the effort to make things better.

robmandu's avatar

It it were me, I’d be cautious listening to my feelings. A marriage is not about feelings. It’s about commitment. And, in my opinion, a commitment cannot last unless it is built upon something stable and lasting. Feelings are fleeting and fickle.

So, it sounds like it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship in this case. That’s fine because people and circumstances change over time. You must choose to change with them. In some cases, you must battle your own emotions in order to do so. People who have been married for fifty years didn’t just get there easily because they married their perfect counterpart. They worked hard at it.

What to do if your spouse is the one who has given up, shut down, turned away, walked off, or made a decision that’s simply incompatible with the relationship? That’s tough. Like all things, it depends on the details. But I would suggest considering that just because your spouse walks away from the commitment doesn’t mean that it has to be over and finished for all time.

No one can give a black & white answer to this hypothetical. It certainly will involve some of the toughest decisions an adult will have to make. It’s because it requires decisions that I reiterate not relying on emotions. Use your intellect. Consider the rational options. Try to understand your spouse’s position.

Saturated_Brain's avatar

Love this question.. Love the well thought-out answers. Is there a way to have ‘favourite questions’ on this site?

So, @robmandu, are you saying that actually, love is both a balance between choice and feelings? I recently read a book which said that the feeling of love comes out of the commitment and the actions and the knowledge that you’re working hard to keep something good. That the feeling is the fruit to be eaten after tending the plant. in a nutshell.

This is open to anyone of course, and I might just open up a question of my own on this..

gailcalled's avatar

(Or eating the nutmeats after the hard work of shelling the nut.)

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