General Question

veronasgirl's avatar

Pathetic inability to move on, or love?

Asked by veronasgirl (1765points) July 30th, 2009

My former best friend dated the same guy the last two years of high school. And the entire time, I liked him, and I was convinced he had feelings for me. A year later while I am away at college, he calls and admits his feelings for me and says he wants to be with me. He was going to break up with my friend for me. I told him that I had feelings for him as well but he was dating my friend and I couldn’t hurt her like that. He broke up with her, my friend blamed me, and we haven’t spoken since. As for the guy he tried to call me soon after but I was too upset to deal with any of it.
Then I found out he and my former friend got back together.
It’s been two years since that happened, and over those two years he has contacted me several times, wanting to strike up a friendship again. I have always ignored him. (Mostly because it hurt too much to talk to him) Recently I talked to him on the phone for several hours and it was just like it had always been.
Today, i find out that they have broken up. I don’t know what to feel, I can’t think straight. I have always thought about him, and secretly hoped they would break up so that i would finally have a chance with him, but how I am very confused. I feel stupid for even posting this ridiculous question. But do I actually still have feelings for this guy? If he were to contact me, should I give him a chance? Or am I just holding onto the past too tightly?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

16 Answers

jrpowell's avatar

He sounds like a shitbag. 20 bucks says he fucks you over if you hook up with him.

dpworkin's avatar

I can’t help you with affairs of the heart, but I can ask you to try not to characterize yourself pejoratively. You are merely human, not pathetic. Give yourself a break, and quit beating yourself up for normative behavior.

barumonkey's avatar

Wait at least a week (a month would be better) for your emotional system to calm down before considering getting into a relationship with him.

In the meantime, I see no reason why you can’t rekindle an innocent friendship, as long as it doesn’t go too far.

Judi's avatar

You did nothing wrong when he broke up with your friend the first time correct? You never hooked up with him, you respected your friend even though she blamed you, right? Your friend dumped you anyway. Do I have the story straight?
If so, I would say that you have acted honorably and since your friend dumped you 2 years ago, you are free to date the guy.
I would not be surprised though, if you find out that @johnpowell is right and he treats you badly. I have a vision of him using you to make her jealous and them running back to her. That would burn.

veronasgirl's avatar

No we never hooked up we never even kissed. I flirted but I tried to put my feelings aside so that I wouldn’t hurt my friend. But he and I could tell eachother anything he was more of a friend to me than she was. I was constantly trying to mediate their stupid arguments and keep them together. I put my feelings for him aside until he admitted he had feelings for me as well.
He let her walk all over him for years and now it seems she has dumped him for another guy.

Alleycat8782's avatar

I do think your in love because of the strong feelings you have for him. However his back and forth stuff between you and your friend is pretty shady and I wouldn’t be able to trust him. Also, who knows if you went out with him and then he found someone else with the same feelings.

f4a's avatar

What I want to know and what you should also evaluate, when he and your friend were together during your HS years, did he had feelings for you back then? If he did during HS, why was he with your friend? You said a year later in college, thats the time he told you he had feelings for you? could it be because he just missed you, or some sort of separation anxiety? I just couldn’t understand why he would be with your friend, but really wants to be with you instead. As you said, you’ve been really loyal to your friend, not making a move with the guy when they were together and even helping with their arguments. (which by the way a good trait, I can relate.) So I guess, your friend is the one who has issues to deal with and just got hurt and blamed you instead. But your question here is, should give the guy a chance? When you said, you ignore him when he tried to strike a friendship again because it hurts too much to talk to him.(which is completly understandable) Could it be you drove him away? Try first to explain to him the reason you ignore him that time. But when you said he went back to your friend, it gave me an impression that he’s not that serious with you. If he was really into you he should have waited and didn’t go back to your friend. I think the guy has not made up his mind, he’s more confuse than you are.

veronasgirl's avatar

My friend and I went through some rocky times in high school when we weren’t speaking, and during that time, she met this guy. Before they met, I met him briefly. He told me later that he had liked me then, but was too intimidated to do anything about it. So he ends up with my friend, and when my friend and I made up, all three of us were friends.

I know that I drove him away, it isn’t the first time I’ve done this to a guy either. Anytime a guy shows interest in me, I do whatever it takes to push them away. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship, I am just scared of getting hurt. So when this guy contacted me several times after he “almost” broke up with my friend, I ignored him, made excuses, or lied. I convinced him that I hated him because it was easier than dealing with the fact that I cared about him and I didn’t think he felt the same way. After the conversation we had 2 months ago though, I am pretty convinced he still has feelings for me. But I of course lied and told him I was seeing someone, just so that I could get him to stop calling. What I had wanted to say to him was I didn’t want to be JUST friends, but what I actually told him was that I didn’t want to be friends at all. He said that he understood, he gave me his number and he said that if I ever needed anything he would always be there for me. And that’s the last time we spoke.

wundayatta's avatar

OMG, what perversity humans put themselves through. I’m sorry, @veronasgirl, that you do this to yourself. It seems like you have all kinds of guilt and possibly self-loathing to deal with.

I think you should stop lying to yourself (and others) and let yourself try to get what you want in life. The poor guy probably thinks he’s read the signals all wrong, and has no idea how to understand women. Be honest with him. Be honest with yourself (at the time, not later on). If you get hurt, you get hurt. You’ll survive. The pain that comes with could-have-been can never be relieved.

Your emotions are strong, and I think you should just give yourself a chance to feel what happens when you follow them. You may make a mistake, but you’ll have plenty of time to figure that out. Passion comes all too rarely for many people. Passion is an incredible emotion. Take advantage of it while it is there.

f4a's avatar

You said “and during that time, she met this guy. Before they met, I met him briefly. He told me later that he had liked me then, but was too intimidated to do anything about it. So he ends up with my friend..” (I can say this very common) You poor thing, if we can trace back what has caused all your problems, it would be that very moment when you guys met briefly, before he even met your friend. What if he went after you and decided to express his feelings right there and then. The same goes for you, what if you did, even before your friend met him? Imagine what could have happen, and better yet, you wouldn’t have this problem now. But enough of that, its in the past. So ask yourself, is this guy worth it? I know it hurts when you put out your feelings but (might) not receive the same feelings back, however how would the other person know what you feel if you don’t say it? (hopefully this guy is a good guy, you also want to think if he just wants to sleep with you then break off)

filmfann's avatar

@johnpowell I’ll take the $20 bet. Probably shouldn’t, but I am a hopeless romantic, and want this to be love.

veronasgirl's avatar

Thanks everyone who offered their advice and support. Somehow I ended up talking with his girlfriend (my old friend) and she actually helped me, without realizing it of course. I think I have finally realized that the feelings I had for him were real, but those feelings are being wasted on him. I need to find someone who returns those feelings, and I will eventually, and I’m fine with waiting on that person. So, thank you everyone!

Judi's avatar

So are you rekindling the friendship? That would be so cool.

veronasgirl's avatar

I have talked with both of them. I wouldn’t say I am rekindling friendships with either of them, but it’s nice to know I can at least have a casual conversation with them.

Judi's avatar

I was talking about the girl. Sounds like she was your best friend for a while. I am 48 and looking at a 30 year class reunion. I have been sad lately that I no longer have any friends from that part of my life. Friendships are precious. If I knew then what I know now I would have nurtured them better.

veronasgirl's avatar

This girl was never a good friend to me, she took advantage of me all the time, and maybe that is why I didn’t stop my thing with this guy sooner. Part of me didn’t care if she got hurt because she treated me terribly.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther