How soon is too soon?

When you became an adult would you have tolerated your dad interfering in your love life? I think you should extend him the same courtesy you would have liked.

I think it is reasonable that your dad desire a companion. Being of old age can be very lonely and devastating.

I personally have no problem on him..finding a companion.. to be a honest. But for some reason 1 year seems a little to soon dont you guys think?..or is it that im still not over the death of my mom?.

You aren’t getting involved with a new mom. Relax. It has nothing to do with you, even though you seem to feel that it has.

One year is very reasonable amount of time. It certainly doesn’t mean he has gotten over her death (one never gets over that), it merely means he has begun to deal with it.

@SolidusR Your father, at age 72, should spend the rest of his life happy. If that includes having a new companion, let it be. He probably spent the majority of his life with a special someone (your mom, I assume) and is probably finds being in a relationship normal. Let him love and be loved. It’s probably not a replacement in his heart for your mom, but it might help fill a tiny portion of the void she left.

He is an adult. You are an adult. Let him make his own decisions.

At this age, he needs to get the most out of every remaining moment. Plus, people who have been married for a long time don’t do well alone. It’s good for your father that he was able to find a companion so quickly.

My grandfather met his 2nd wife just over 6 months past the death of my grandmother.

thank you guys for the really great answers, should this be my cue to move out again and provide his privacy once again?... or should i wait a little bit longer?..

You should ask him. He may want you around, he may not. How would any of us know his wishes?

Now.. that is the problem.. he has been very secretive about this whole thing, i know he feels uncomfortable telling me anything related to his new friend, i guess because he knows i might feel bad. Should i make the first move and tell him…“i saw you kisssing”..or just ignore it and…leave things the way they are…

@SolidusR Talk to him about moving out if that’s what you want to do. Having an adult child living at home doesn’t necessarily get in the way of finding love. He might see you as a friend and appreciate your company. Or he might be wondering when he gets his house back. We can’t know that. I see nothing wrong with you having an adult conversation with your dad about his new lady friend. He might enjoy the opportunity to share this part of his life with you.

I thought you wanted to know if you should move out. Ask him if you should move out. Why pester him about his private affairs?

I’d let him know that you know, and that you are ok with it. It’s probably weighing on his mind, keeping that a secret from you. Then the two of you can discuss privacy and/or living arrangements.

I’d take some time when it’s just the two of you and in a calm way ask if he needs more space now. Ask if he wants you to start thinking about moving out soon. See what he says.

guys.. really thank you for taking the time.. to answer my question, even you pdworkin…you seem a little to straight forward for me but really…from the bottom of my heart thank you all.

I’m old. I don’t have time to fuck around.

@SolidusR Welcome to Fluther! :)

LOL @pdworkin

Thank you guys!!!

I second @Likeradar… Welcome!

@pdworkin: Ha, that’s what I was thinking about the dad in question. He’s probably too old to be indecisive and wait around before trying to make the most of his time.

…but I love the way you put that. :^>

@cyndyh I’m so glad I’m not the only one who read a little more into @pdworkin‘s answer.

He’s 72 and while you may think that’s really really old to consider another companion, I guarantee you most over 70 yr olds don’t. A year of grief is probably not enough time to ‘get over’ your mother/his wife, he probably won’t ever get over her but his drive to feel connected to life is natural and should be celebrated.

@Likeradar : I’m just realizing there are many other ways to read that, too. :^>

Don’t press him about his new relationship. Tell him you’ve been happy to see that he has been able to find plenty of company and that even though you know he still misses your mother, you don’t want him to be lonely. Ask him if he thinks he will be okay now if you move back into your own place.

He is not being disloyal to her or to you. She would probably be delighted. You lost a mother in the natural order of things. He lost a partner, and that is a different kind of loss.

If it were my Dad I would tell him how happy I was that it seems like he has found someone to keep him from being lonely.
It is a tribute to your mother that he loved being in a relationship so much that he ready to date again.
Some people just weren’t designed for singleness.
It probably is time for you to move out and start living YOUR life.

If he were my dad, we never talked about such stuff. He would have probably died on the spot if I had tried to discuss this with him. Although I did tell him on occasion that Chrissie (his dog) needs a new mother.

He never acted upon my recommendation in that regard. Although I think he had a few “dalliances” with some younger women!

In your shoes, I would probably offhandedly mention that I was thinking of looking for a place on my own and just see how he reacts.

It is like being a parent to the parent, I know it isn’t easy, I went through it too.

Since he is actively looking for companionship, your obligation is completed. You can move out. It might even be healthier for your relationship with him, since, obviously, you are bothered by his new social life.
You are a good son!

Based on the ages given, I think that it’s actually totally fine that he has found a nice lady. You are all reasonable adults, and it’s probably better that everyone is happy than if everyone is depressed. From a non-familial perspective, it’s just an older man wanting to be happy. If it’s not too soon for him, then it’s not too soon.

Though if this new friend of his wants you to call her “mom”... that’s crossing a couple of lines.

My first husband died when I was in my 20’s and I started dating in about 6 months. Some people just function better as part of a couple.
I know I got a lot of raised eyebrows, but different people mourn differently.

Wow I never thought I would get such great advice really guys thank you for the wonderful responses.. as a matter of fact I will talk to him this coming weekend and I’ll keep you posted once I do it

I had read somewhere that the more happily married you were, when your spouse passes away, the quicker you are to get back into a relationship. I’m not sure what the theory behind that is, but if your dad can find someone he cares about, there shouldn’t be a time schedule. He’s also lucky to have you caring so much for him. Not all parents have such caring children.

My Dad died on the 32nd anniversary of his marriage to my stepmom. They were both in their late 70’s. A few years later my stepmom met a man and they started a friendship. One of my stepsisters objected because she decided this guy had ulterior motives. This came to light when I planned Mom’s 80th birthdyt party. Sis’s response was that she refused to see her mom as long as this man in her life. She also forbade her grown daughters and grandchildren to attend. Well Mom had a great dinner party with 20 of her step children and grandchildren, but it left a crack in our relationship with stepsis. In order to make up with her daughter, she had to give up her friend.

@galileogirl; what a selfish daughter she was. That breaks my heart.

I agree with Judi. If you can have some happiness in your life, why not go for it, especially at that age.

We have all been protective of mom, Dad left her with sufficient income but no real money so I never could figure what advantage her friend was supposed to take. I live far enough away that I haven’t run in to stepsis but I will be moving back w/i 6 mos and maybe even teach a class at the school where she works

How’s your love life?