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sweethottaco's avatar

Why does family hurt one another?

Asked by sweethottaco (111points) January 6th, 2010

I have family at home that doesn’t understand me at all. I try to ask for help but get the third degree.

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13 Answers

Austinlad's avatar

A cliche like “You always hurt the one you love” usually come from a truism. In the case of family dynamics, I think it’s easier sometimes to take out one’s aggressions, fears, insecurities, envies and other darker emotions on the people you live with and love.

Likeradar's avatar

I think the fact that we’re so emotionally connected to our family plays a part. It’s easier to be hurt by someone you have a deep connection with than by someone you don’t care about.

wonderingwhy's avatar

there are all sorts of reasons and it’s hard to say without understanding the family dynamic in question but often statements like “doesn’t understand me at all” are the result of lack of communication and a social or generational gap.

If I love grapefruit and you hate it it’s very difficult to explain to one another our positions in terms the other can readily accept.

Just keep trying, as long as there’s a willingness to understand and the patience to explain, it will work.

Blackberry's avatar

There’s a lot of reasons. But a family is not always some exclusive club where it’s members are subject to special treatment. Sometimes you have to seek external help because not all families are the Brady bunch.

MagsRags's avatar

Because they know how.

Cotton101's avatar

ummmm..good question our new Fluther member!

Probably because of several things. First, many family members are jealous of one another. They love to point out your shortcomings to make them feel better about their miserable state of affairs. And, mostly regardless if they are family members or others, there are some mean-spirited people in the crazy World.

During the holidays, these feelings really surface due to stress. Everyone is out of their “comfort zone!” Too much to do with to little time to do it.

My philosophy, be nice and smile!

mollypop51797's avatar

Let’s start with the “why”. Well, why? I think that it’s because one knows that it’s easier to take something out on people you love, not because you love them but because you know that you’ll never lose them. You know that love can mend anything, and just knowing that you love them I guess is always in mind. Now, going to the “hurt one another” well. Like @Likeradar had said, it hurts more to someone you’re close to rather than someone your not. If you have a co-worker who sits on his/her ass all day and doesn’t do anything maybe if you spoke up and ended up in a “fight” it what they say wouldn’t hurt you. But when you have your son/daughter/best friend/something else close to you, and they say, “I hate you” or something,it hurts. It’s because you’re so close to one another that what they say means more to you than someone you don’t care about. Hmmmm….something to ponder perhaps?

RedPowerLady's avatar

I think the answers said above answer your question.
I just wanted to add that you can get help outside your family. There are lots of counseling centers that are free or sliding-scale cost. They are also mentorship programs if you are a youth that you could join. Participate in anything outside of the house to build a support group that give you some of what you aren’t getting from your family. In the meantime don’t expect so much from them, I know it is awful that you have to do that. Just try and relax and find ways to enjoy life. I wish I would have done that as a young person.

marinelife's avatar

Parents, in particular, but family in general know how to push our buttons because they installed them!

I have been in your situation (not getting the help you need). My advice is to seek for help elsewhere. From friends.

Winsome's avatar

One of the greatest benefits of family is that it is a place where you are safe and accepted for who you are. The approval of family members, especially your partner, gives you a center of security from which you can take on the world and the stress of life. When that approval is threatened by a family member’s careless word or criticism, your security and self image is at risk. We will fight to get that security back, usually by telling the other how they are wrong about us and usually add: “Well you do the same thing!” or “You are always….” This reaction, instead of convincing them to retract, merely threatens their security and they respond with more of the same. If you can describe your feelings of hurt by saying “I feel hurt when I hear….” that will take the attack out of your words and the one who hurt you will most likely respond: “Oh I’m sorry, I did not mean to do that.” The key to not being hurt is to listen for and respond to the feelings behind the words, not the words themselves. [Removed by Fluther, via internal edit]

Moegitto's avatar

One thing I learned through life, your family doesn’t have to blood related. Some of the closest “family” I have are people I met along the road of life. My “actual” family left me homeless and destitute in the city where they live.

krcreak_73's avatar

My experience and family therapy says that we hurt those in our family because we know they won’t go anywhere or leave us. Now this isn’t true for everyone unfortunately. So in that case we take out life frustrations on close friends or whatever we consider family.

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