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misterx's avatar

How do I tell my friend I no longer want to be roommates?

Asked by misterx (269points) January 28th, 2010

I am a guy who lives with a girl. I have lived with her for nearly 2 years and she is one of my best friends. However, I am in love with her but she has made it more than clear she NEVER wants to be with me like that and does not see me more than a friend. While I value our friendship and don’t want it to end and don’t want to hurt her I can no longer stand to watch her be with other guys. Further more she can be extremely bossy at times and is difficult to live with, and living with her makes any other girl I find jealous, hurting any other relationships I find. I want to stay friends but I don’t want to live with her anymore. I don’t know how to tell her without hurting her and our friendship but still getting what I want. Help!

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19 Answers

Janka's avatar

She will probably be hurt a bit, no matter how you say it. That’s just something you both have to live with.

I suggest that you simply explain that you are in love with her, and since there is no hope for a relationship, living together is becoming too painful for you. And that you’d like to remain friends despite moving out. Leave out the stuff about her being bossy and other girls becoming jealous.

Violet's avatar

I think she will understand. It’s awkward for you both. I think she’ll understand. Just tell her what you told us, but with a calm and kind voice.
(try to find a new roommate first)

lilikoi's avatar

Um… just tell her that you’re in love with her and that you can’t stand that she is always around since she doesn’t feel the same way. She should understand your dilemma. At least she’ll know it wasn’t because of some awful habit or something. Everyone likes to know that they’re loved.

montreality's avatar

Be gentle. Keep it focused on you, that you need space and would like to experience living with other people or alone. Don’t bring up her bossiness and how you feel when she brings guys over.

judochop's avatar

Perhaps she is thinking along the same lines??? You are good friends, just be honest. Do it over a nice dinner before desert.

TheJoker's avatar

I have to agree with the concensus. Be honest with her about your reasons for wanting to move out. If she’s a genuine friend she’ll come round.

cheebdragon's avatar

is “Please move out ASAP?” too overrated for you?

partyparty's avatar

Just say quietly and calmly that it isn’t working out to with you both as roommates, but make it quite clear that you would still like to continue to be friends.
Perhaps she is feeling the same, but waiting for you to make the first move.
I am sure your friendship will go from strength to strength once you get this part of your life sorted out. Good luck

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Are you planning to move out, or would you like to keep the apartment have her move out? Whose name is on the lease? Where hard feelings could come in is to not allow enough time to either allow her time to replace you as a roommate, or for her to find a place to live. You need to take into account the possible financial impact of the decision, and allow for it in the planning of breaking up the living arrangement.

mowens's avatar

That sucks. :(

Cruiser's avatar

Just do it! Don’t waste another day….time to get on with your life.

Your_Majesty's avatar

Just move out(if possible),saying you needs more privacy.

Sophief's avatar

Tell her to just leave, she is messing with your head. You love her, she will be loving the attention, meanwhile not caring about how you feel. Get rid of her.

life_after_2012's avatar

i hope you realize its her lose and not yours. you are odviously care about others and are able to put someone elses best intrest before your own. thats a great qaulity, god loves people that take care of their fellow man/woman. i agree with Cruiser, you should get it over with. i would just rip it off like a band-aid , but thats how i deal situations like that. your much better person then i am because i would have told this bossy chick who is difficult to live with at times to put some eggs in her socks and BEAT IT!!!!

JLeslie's avatar

Just tell her! It is completely reasonable that you cannot live with her when you have romantic feelings and she doesn’t. Don’t wait another day, and don’t let her manipulate you out of your decision. Living with her is not good for you. It is inhibiting you from moving forward. Don’t go into a long explanation about why, and don’t let her rope you into a long conversation.

Also, if she gives you a simple, “ok, I’ll move out” (I really doubt that will happen) do not get thrown, and try not to be hurt. This type of apathetic answer might be a big surprise to you, and be very emotionally painful for you. Be ready for it if it happens so you can handle it. By handling it I mean, so you can just be glad she is leaving.

Tenpinmaster's avatar

Sometimes although a friendship is strong, living together just doesn’t work out. Just explain to this person that you love them like a friend but living together just isn’t working out. Not all good friends can live together… in fact getting a long with anybody in a domestic situation isn’t easy! No matter if you get along very well with the person or not.

philosopher's avatar

Tell her the truth .

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

If you do not want her to be all bent out of shape because you see her ”parading men in front of you” while never picking you to be the reason, I would just go with your chances of finding a mate is hampered. I would tell her in spite of what I say the other gals still think there is something going on and I want someone and to be happy, as much as it has been good up until now, I have to move forward. She might be mad but if she is mad only because she will be inconvenienced in finding some other person to live with them maybe you dodged a bullet. Is she is mad because some strange woman is prying you out of the house you might have to wonder

noraasnave's avatar

The difficulty I see right off the bat is that she thinks she has you wrapped around her finger because you told her how you feel about her. A woman can’t love a man she can manipulate.

You questions seems to point me to some existing boundary issues. If you have let her into your boundaries and she didn’t reciprocate then that is a problem that you need to work on (or it will most likely happen again).

The simple answer is to put your boundaries back up and reinforce them, but it means something different for each person. If she yells an order, you could return fire with, F U B!@#$...or a much more PC answer of “get it yourself”, or “I am using the TV at the moment, find something else to do”. My personal favorite way of reinforcing boundaries is “you must be out of your DAMN mind!”

I agree with @JLeslie women are hurt more by a message sent over weeks or months by body language than by letting her know in the quickest terms that you will not share a residence with her any longer. If she is worth having as a friend then she will be upset and eventually get over it. If she isn’t worth having as a friend then let her go, who needs EXTRA drama.

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