General Question

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

What are some of the pitfalls of having an affair with an engaged woman?

Asked by 12_func_multi_tool (803points) March 4th, 2010

I am doing the above ^_^ There were at times that it wasn’t so and then on and off. In her words we were dating, however, my definition must be different. Once I unknowingly dropped her off at fiancés work, I felt so bad ‘cause I was in that situation before, I withheld affection then it was deciced that we were not dating. So I think we have complete honesty. Between all the whirling feelings of jealousy, etc. would you at least list some early warning signs of get the Hell out of there

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62 Answers

danny's avatar

She isn’t faithful and you may get your ass kicked.

FutureMemory's avatar

Hmm potential pitfalls…you might get your ass beat (or worse) by the husband.

dpworkin's avatar

I she will cheat on her fiancee, what won’t she do to you?

ucme's avatar

His fist, your face, extreme velocity, pain & humility to follow.Been there done that moved on. Better for it.

JeffVader's avatar

In all honesty, so long as you don’t get emotionally involved, & mange to avoid an arse-kicking, there aren’t too many pitfalls from your perspective.

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

I don’t fight, and pain is of no concern to me. I to know she is capable of cheating so I’m not going to do it under any label other than cheating. I don’t mean to be “getting off on myself” by my boasting in my opening. It is just that it really isn’t a concern. I wouldn’t be in it for anything than something emotional. There are other ways to get laid. So it seems the consensus is misguided at best foolhardy at worse.

dpworkin's avatar

Yep, we are a bunch of misguided fools. It would be silly for you to stay on Fluther.

JeffVader's avatar

@dpworkin Well said…. obviously its the consensus that’s got it wrong!!

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

I meant me That I am the one whom the consensus decides is foolish.
you misunderstand, I do not swing that way. If I were to put anyone down, believe me you would definetaly know.
maybe my wording needs reviewed, I’m not doing that now.
The consensus says I’m wrong better?

LuckyGuy's avatar

Your getting some free stuff – and who doesn’t like free.
But Engaged comes with too much baggage. You can only go out when she wants. You have the constant fear, or you’d better have, that you will get caught. That will end it with her fiance, bring you more in the picture and make you the main man.
Do you want her full time?

I’ll grant you, it is exciting. Looks like “little sic” is running the show. Understandable, but dumb.

Sophief's avatar

@12_func_multi_tool What is her relationship with her Fiance? That might sound like a weird question, but I was engaged when I met my current partner. But we had stopped having sex long before, and had a very horrible relationship. If she is still very much in a relationship with him, then your relationship with her probably won’t ever come to anything. If it is dead, like mine were, then anything can happen.

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

@Dibley Just posting for anyones’ reading enjoyment. It’s almost petered pardon pun out to a good friendship. You are sharp, fiancé is never around, I feel it’s almost an arranged thing or marriage of convienience ( spelling ) It started out as friends and that’s my deepest hope that it ends that way, I’ll be happy as a clam in mud. Thanks for getting in depth w/ me.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Pitfalls? You are engaging in an act of infidelity, potentially destroying the feelings two people have for each other, and helping this woman betray the trust of her fiancée. As a friend, you should be helping her either value the relationship she has or helping her get out of it. I struggle to see any advantages.

Cruiser's avatar

It is not up to us to judge right or wrong here. What I am curious about is you have all but explained every angle of your choice to take on this engaged woman so what do you really want to accomplish here? You seem to know what you are doing here so just go get your jollies and ask a real question sometime soon.

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

LOL, no, this is not fun to me. I decided when it first started to let her decisions guide the relationship. She seemed to know more than I and I’m inexperienced. It wasn’t for lack of wanting to work on it. That may seem silly considering it is an affair, adultery or however you want to describe it. You make a point, I would say I’m trying to understand so I can help with this relationship and of course I’m insecure about the mental pain that would happen if this went wrong. I’m not talkin hysterics here. If you think I kid myself then post more, or provide some more criticism. It makes little difference, because in the end it’s just myself in all aspects. Thanks

CMaz's avatar

The pitfall is eventually getting your ass kicked.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

The risk is Guy + friends with baseball bats + your knees = pay for this the rest of your life.

The reality is that, for whatever reason, this woman agreed to marry this guy. She could have said no. She can still say no. She’s not saying no. She uses you for sex, she uses this guy for whatever she gets from him. I cannot see this working out well for you in the long run. It cannot end as friends, because at any given minute, if her fiance or husband finds out, you’re dead meat.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Besides the potential for physical violence; if she is being unfaithful to her fiance, what makes you think she’ll be faithful to you? Bad karma.

scamp's avatar

I think heartache (which is sure to come sooner or later) could be considered a pitfall.

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

I know she isn’t faithfull. It does bother me and I question my intelligence after almost every time we have been together. As Cruiser said it seems I’m just thinking out loud. And I just see scamp has given a direct and sensible answer. I hate to say this, but I’m taking this relationship for what it’s worth for now

BoBo1946's avatar

@ChazMaz LMAO…or getting your ass shot!

syz's avatar


scamp's avatar

@12_func_multi_tool You must really love this person to be willing to face heartache and possible physical injury for her. If things don’t go your way with this relationship, I hope you find the one who deserves you. I have to say that tho I am concerned about how this will turn out, I admire your tenactiy! Best of luck to you.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Examine yourself.

You must not honestly want to get into too intimate of a relationship since this woman is engaged. It’s like a game that either of you could quit playing at any time, not that there wouldn’t be tears or drama, but… with a single woman, you might actually have to be truly vulnerable and open yourself up and get close and get hurt for reasons outside of doing something generally considered wrong. When you break up, you can always tell yourself, “Well, it was an affair…,” but with a single woman you most likely can’t do that (unless one of you cheats). Scary, innit?

You don’t have to do that with this woman, since she’s obviously not breaking it off with her fiance for you. You’re doing it this way because you want to. Never mind her right now. Ask yourself why you want this instead of getting close to a single, available woman, and deal with that.

Captain_Fantasy's avatar

Avoiding an epic beat down is one reason not to continue. Also the knowledge of your being a toy should be another.
If you’re looking for sympathy here, keep walking.

CMaz's avatar

Beat down = Bad

Toy = Good

SuperMouse's avatar

Well there’s the whole “she is engaged to another man” thing.

CMaz's avatar

You should learn to keep your thumb out of others Christmas pie.

JeffVader's avatar

@ChazMaz I’m not sure its her Christmas Pie he stuck his thumb in :).... unless that’s a euphemism.

Judi's avatar

I don’t think I could ever live with myself if I was the cause of destroying someone elses relationship.
Personally I think only an ass hole would do that and one of the pitfalls is the loss of respect from others because you chose not to respect the boundries of her current relationship.
Just because she’s a lieing cheating dog doesn’t mean you have to be a party to it.

CMaz's avatar

“if I was the cause of destroying someone elses relationship. ”

In this case. She is the cause for allowing it to happen and potentially destroying it.

@12_func_multi_tool is just along for the ride.

Judi's avatar

@ChazMaz; but he is choosing to be a part of it. I find that disgusting. It is a mater of respect. Respect for himself and respect for others. I wouldn’t trust this guy to guard an outhouse.

DarkScribe's avatar

Unless you have suddenly become the most irresistible guy in the world, then she does it with people other than you. The pitfalls are known as STDs.

Trillian's avatar

@12_func_multi_tool You say you’re going to take the “relationship” for what it’s worth. My question to you is: What, exactly, is it worth to you?

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

The engagement ring on her finger is like a lock on the jewelry store display case. You can look but cannot have unless you pay the toll. Shall you call yourself a thief?

Likeradar's avatar

You said you think you have complete honesty.
You’re are in a relationship with a person who is going home at night to another man- having dinner with him, snuggling on the couch with him, having sex with him, combining finances with him, laughing and crying with him, planning a future with him. And she is lying to him.
Is that a person you think you could have anything even close to complete honesty with?

Judi's avatar

@ChazMaz; hee hee, I gave you lurve by accident!

CMaz's avatar

@Judi – I gave you lurve on purpose. ;-)

john65pennington's avatar

The major pitfall is a Glock 40.

liminal's avatar

You’ve already stated a convincing early warning sign: ”...I unknowingly dropped her off at fiancés work, I felt so bad…”

CMaz's avatar

@john65pennington – Always takes a cop to get to the point of the matter. :-)

Judi's avatar

Then there is all the expense of the DNA test when she ends up pregnant. That can be awkward.

CMaz's avatar

Wow, @john65pennington see what trouble you have already got yourself into.

Beatings, STD’s and pregnancy. Crap man, run! While you still have a chance.

john65pennington's avatar

ChazMaz, just the facts and none of the ficition.

scamp's avatar

@Judi Good one!

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Her future husband could be a pesky little problem ;)

wundayatta's avatar

People talk about violence and guns, which, if that is the way they truly see the world, is pretty scary. Makes me fear what the Supreme Court is about to do all the more. However, I seriously doubt it will come to violence. What I think it will come to is serious emotional trauma.

…fiancé is never around, I feel it’s almost an arranged thing or marriage of convenience. It started out as friends and that’s my deepest hope that it ends that way, I’ll be happy as a clam in mud.

I’m not sure I know what the “It” in the second sentence refers to—her relationship to her fiance or her relationship to you. I’m going to assume it’s her relationship to her fiance.

Clearly she isn’t all that happy with how her fiance treats her. So maybe you are thinking she will call off the wedding and free herself. Maybe that will happen. On the other hand, she might go through with the marriage and then you will suffer serious emotional trauma. I doubt she’ll keep up with you if she’s living with him.

If she does leave him, then it’s hard to know what will happen. You have really given us no detail on your relationship. What do you do when you are together? What is the main thing you do? If it’s primarily sex, then this relationship will not hold together without more. Maybe you are just comforting each other. Maybe she is just taking advantage of your inexperience.

People are very complicated. People who have strong morals can easily find themselves doing things they never thought they would do. I’ve met people, some of whom are on fluther, who are very moralistic in their comments, and yet have done some of the very things they are railing against. It happens way too often for it to be an aberration, I think.

People often do not act as they believe they should. So various truisms, such as “once a cheater, always a cheater” aren’t really worth more than the pixels they are displayed with. The truth is that no one can know if she would cheat on you if you were together. You don’t know. She doesn’t know. It could be that you give her what her fiance does not, and she would be loyal to you.

They say that a lot of people have intimacy issues. People with multiple relationships just aren’t able to let themselves be completely vulnerable to anyone. True intimacy is not possible in such a case. That’s what I hear anyway. I don’t know if it’s true, and I don’t know if I know how to have true intimacy.

I know that loneliness scares me so much that sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. I know that I feel like I missed out on something and I’ve been looking for it for a long time, but I don’t know exactly what it is, nor where to find it. I do things that most people do not think are moral because of that thing I’m looking for. I don’t really understand why that is such a powerful motivator, and I would predict that if I were to ask a question about it, most answers would say, “just stop.”

For whatever reason, I think differently. People will judge me for that. That makes me sad because I want to be liked and I want to be loved. Which is exactly the problem.

I say this only to point out that we have no idea what is motivating your girlfriend. Have you asked her? Can she provide a satisfactory answer? Could she be hiding things from herself? Is she? Most of do, I believe. I guess I think that one other consequence of this is that you can get lost. In an existential kind of way.

gailcalled's avatar

@12_func_multi_tool: I won’t comment on the “multi-tool” but since everything sensible has already been said, thanks for the new version of “definitely.”


Scooby's avatar

At the end of the day your both adults, why concern yourself with “pitfalls” you obviously know you potentially are going to get your comeuppance at some point or you may well walk away with the prize ( The lady in question cough splutter) look on the bright side, at least you won’t have to buy her a ring!! ;-)

phillis's avatar

Apparently you are not burdened by any of the immoral implications and pitfalls, nor are you bothered with that whole “what comes around, goes around” thing, so I will grit my teeth and skip those parts.

What immediately jumped off the page was (compaing her definition of your relationship together to yours) “my definition must be different”.

That is a huge relationship red flag and comes with flares. Visions of 4th of July celebrations should be flashing in your mind when you hear words along those lines.

When someone is disinclined, for any reason, to define thier relationship with you in terms which match yours, it is a damn sure sign that the relationship is not what you think it is. And since you cannot force a person to think like you do, it befalls YOU to decide whether to proceed or not.

FYI – ANY and ALL pain that you feel once you become aware of this is purely YOUR fault. Let’s be very, very clear about that. You chose to stay in a half-assed relationship.

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

First thanks for all the honesty. I’ve laid it out plainly, so no use will it do for me to wax on about the subject. When she speaks, I believe her and she believes me. The conventional wisdom is that it’s just those “love chemicals” working on me. If the shine wears off this coin, I firmly believe is that I will come out for the better.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

So what are you planning on buying them for a wedding present?

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

no pandora, the only solution, however twisted, is to turn this situation into an opportunity for a threesome. I’m not famous but maybe the DVD will sell. I have money problems. We could call it “3 Tools Gone Wild”

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@12_func_multi_tool Yeah right, do you really expect the other guy to include you in their relationship just because his fiancée has a wandering eye? You’re kidding yourself.

Likeradar's avatar

@12_func_multi_tool I bet her finance believes her too.
Seems like you didn’t really want any kind of help for this situation.

wundayatta's avatar

@FireMadeFlesh That sure sounds like a sarcastic comment to me. @12_func_multi_tool‘s comment, not your response. I hope I’m not wrong.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@wundayatta The first sentence sounds pretty serious to me. After admitting to an affair with an engaged woman, it wouldn’t surprise me what perverse ideas he has.

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

Don’t know what you want from me. Pandora wan’t exactly serious. It was time to move on. So you are offended and you’re going to criticize me no matter what is what I’m thinking. No, I will not feel guilty and I think the last comment was just your window of opportunity. flippant remark to a sacastic post

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@12_func_multi_tool You have started this thread asking about the pitfalls, but yet you post that you are doggedly sticking to the relationship despite the pitfalls that have been pointed out to you. What exactly were you looking for?
I am not offended, I am disgusted. An affair is a base, inconsiderate, selfish way to act. I simply cannot comprehend how someone that supposedly loves another can act in a manner that destines that person for certain pain.

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

I never started out to correct my behavior. What my intentions were is to not get hurt myself. I don’t take care of other people. If I say anything else, that I’m compassionate, then, this affair is to be pointed to as evidence to the contrary. If I, properly, had stated that I’m looking for a way out and how to serve my penance, then I would have received compassionate and concerned and stern guidance from users like yourself. I never even hinted that that is what I wanted. What I am doing is taking care of her, the other guy her fiancé, is not around to do that. What I should have done is to remained humble when the silly question of what gift I would give at their wedding. When I said I’m taking this affair at face value, as it is, that is the most honest thing I have ever said.

12_func_multi_tool's avatar

I apologize if I was too rash in my reply. I invited people into my personal problems and became upset when criticized. Thanks for understanding.

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