General Question

FunSteve's avatar

What does she want? She gave me her number and later I find out she's married!

Asked by FunSteve (24points) January 19th, 2012

I met this girl at a hair salon, she gave a hair cut. She’s very nice and sweet, our conversation didn’t stop for the whole time. At the end, I asked her if she’d mind going out, she turned her face and smiled and responded “TONIGHT?” I said not tonight, how about you give your number and we’ll text? and she agreed. Now I found her facebook profile and guess what?! She’s married and has a son!! This confuses me a lot since I never went out with a married girl.

My question,
1) What does she want from me?
2) Why would she give me her number if she’s married to some else?
3) What should I do about it?

Thank you and have a great day!

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45 Answers

bongo's avatar

Maybe she wants friendship? Some people I know have become so relaxed into their married life that whenever they speak to other people the thought of a sexual relationship from another person just doesn’t cross their mind. Have the texts been very obviously sexual or does it seem pretty laid back chat? and I mean from her to you not from you to her, your messages may be flirty but if you read hers are they really flirty to you?
I have a boyfriend but that doesnt stop me from chatting to guys, swapping numbers and making friends.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Ask her.
She may just want to be friends.
Or, she may be divorcing, or separated, her relationship may be complicated and just hasn’t yet been reflected on her Facebook profile. For all you know, she hasn’t logged in or updated for months.

LuckyGuy's avatar

She could be separated and in the process of getting a divorce. A relative of mine does the same thing.
You don’t change the status until the papers are signed.

Coloma's avatar

I’d ask her, upfront and directly what her motives are.
Her motives really don’t matter, if it’s anything beyond casual friendship.
YOUR motives are what count. If you’re looking for a serious relationship I’d advise to stay far, far, away from any rebound action if she is in a rocky relationship or on the verge of separation or divorce.
A lot of emotionally unhealthy people are looking to line up a new person before they split with the old, not good, not good at all.

the100thmonkey's avatar

She might just want a bit of crafty nookie on the side.

You’ll never know unless you ask her.

Judi's avatar

It sounds to me like she’s not happy in her marriage. She might be looking for a way out, or just a fling. Maybe she has an open marriage. Maybe her husband had an affair and she’s looking for a revenge f^@k. You won’t know until you ask her.

tedd's avatar

Could be a lot of things.

She’s separated and/or getting divorced.

Could be a fake marriage (just cuz facebook says it doesn’t make it law, my g/f has been married to a friend of hers for like 5 years).

She could be looking to cheat on her husband looking at the dark end of the possibilities.

Maybe she just wants a friend?

I wouldn’t fret too much over it right now, but I would inquire about it if/when you go on that “date.”

LostInParadise's avatar

I do not see any reason to ask directly. I would go out with her and give her the opportunity to tell you what her situation is. Unless she is deliberately hiding her status, things should come out in the normal course of conversation. I know that her Facebook page is open to the public, but saying that you looked at it may come across as prying.

FunSteve's avatar

@bongo @ANef_is_Enuf @LuckyGuy @Coloma @the100thmonkey @Judi @tedd

Why do you think she hided the fact that she’s married? If she was relaxed and wanted friendship only, she would tell me she’s married at least. Right? Hmm, then I guess she wants something else other than having a friendship.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@FunSteve how long did you talk about getting together? Just a few words? Maybe the situation is complicated, and it wasn’t the kind of thing she wanted to blurt out without time to explain.
There is still a possibility that she isn’t married, which would explain why she didn’t mention it.

AmWiser's avatar

Maybe she wants to have an affair on the side. People still do that, don’t they? Once you go on a date it should become very clear what she wants.
Also, what has transpired between the texting? Have you set up a date? Good luck.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Personally I don’t like the idea that she would accept a date under false pretenses. I don’t buy for a minute that she is after a friendship – if she was, she would have told you her marital status so there would be no misunderstandings. She might be in the process of a divorce which would make her actions marginally acceptable. If I were you, I would look elsewhere for a date. This is the advice I would give my own son. I don’t like it, and I would not like to see you get mixed up in it.

Coloma's avatar

^ Right @Skaggfacemutt
More likely she has less than stellar motives. The fact that she didn’t disclose her relationship status and motives upfront is a major red flag.

Aster's avatar

She either is separated and looking for a boyfriend or she’s still married, unhappily, and wants a boyfriend. Ask her. I don’t see much good coming from this.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
digitalimpression's avatar

She is (undoubtedly) not after simple friendship. She was probably flattered that you asked her out and then it got her I’ve-been-married-too-long-and-am-looking-for-some-adventure juices flowing.

Personally, I’d steer clear of her. No reason to be the one to ruin a marriage. Even if its already ruined… no excuse imho.

marinelife's avatar

All that matters is what you would want to do.

I would text her and ask why she gave you her number when she was married.

I would not ask her out.

Blackberry's avatar

This is a great opportunity to have fun without responsibility. What’s the problem? Lol.

digitalimpression's avatar

I’ll assume that @Blackberry is just kidding, because the people who say that and aren’t are on my list of the worst types of human being that exists in the world today.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

@Blackberry I would just hope that you guys would have some values/integrity. If one of my sons was boinking a married woman just because she was willing, I would slap them upside the head.

Blackberry's avatar

Just kidding guys, it’s ok lol.

bongo's avatar

Did you ask her if she was single? did she ask you? I have met many people and not discussed relationship statuses, it just didn’t come up as my mind was so far from the idea that there could be a sexual relationship with that person I had just met and that I have just enjoyed chatting. Just because she didnt mention it does not mean she does not want to stay faithful to her partner. Just the other day I was chatting to a guy outside the library having a cigarette and ended up getting invited to his houseparty next week and swapping numbers. We never discussed relationships, we just got on discussing music and work. It turns out he is in a very happy relationship, as am I. Not everything is about sex.

If on the other hand you asked her if she was single and she said yes and then turned out to be married then that is different. Personally I would hate having to spell out that I am in a relationship every time I cut someone’s hair. It would get repetitive and boring. I doubt she went out of her way to hide that she was in a relationship. She had probably been chatting about him all day long to the people who had their hair cut before you. I doubt she wants to be having the same conversation all day, clarifying to everyone she meets she is off the market. Do not presume that she wants something other than a friendship. That is dangerous territory. Ask her if she is single if you meet up again. If you dont ask it, she may presume you dont care if she is single or not and she may presume you just want to be mates.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Now I found her facebook profile and guess what?! She’s married and has a son!! This confuses me a lot since I never went out with a married girl.

Facebook info is not always factual. Just because it states she is married does not mean that she is.

In any case, the only way to really get to know someone is through open communication. If you are interested, call her. You haven’t even gone out for a drink with her and you’re already looking her up on FB.

Eggie's avatar

Call her and find out what her status really is.

linguaphile's avatar

My son’s married to a guy on Facebook and my students ‘marry’ each other constantly. It’s a joke between them. Some even put ‘married’ to be left alone- like wearing fake rings.

As a single mom, I never told people about my son until a level of trust or respect was reached. Too many people are beyond judgmental of single moms and it was my zone to be a mom, not their business. She might have not mentioned her kid for the same reason.

Only way to know is to simply ask. If you don’t want to seem like a Facebook stalker, wait and bring it up when you go out to someplace light like a coffeeshop—less connotations there.

john65pennington's avatar

This has the makings of a bad deal. I don’t know what she is looking for, but you can bet it’s trouble.

Hands off! This is more trouble than you can handle. Triangles can be deadly.

Paradox25's avatar

This is one reason why I never would ask a girl out without knowing her very good at first along with the girl letting me know that she wants me to ask her out directly. I hope you’re not reading that self-help dating drabble that seems to frequent the internet these days, because if you are and follow it it will get you in deep trouble.

It sounds like the girl already has underlying problems with her own relationship/marriage and you gave her the perfect outlet to manifest her intentions to create drama and drag you into this. I know this because this has happened to me already, even in situations where the girl asked me out. Take my advice here, get to know somebody first before trying anything with them.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

So true, @Paradox25 ! Even if she is lying on Facebook and has never been married or has any children, you DON’T (and I mean DON’T) want to get mixed up with a girl who is anything other than straight-forward. You don’t want to get mixed up with a game-player, regardless of what her game is.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Maybe she’s in an open marriage, like others have said. My FB says married and with two kids but I go out all the time.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

Well, this is becoming a two-pronged discussion. Those who have good, old-fashioned values and want the same for the people we care about, and those who embrace the swinging lifestyle of “anything goes.”

I am not saying one is right and one is wrong. I am just saying that we are not sure which group @FunSteve falls in. If we knew that, we would know how better to advise him.

Actually, if he is in the “anything goes” group, then why even ask the question.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Skaggfacemutt Bwahhahha…because there’s such a thing as ‘good old-fashioned values’, in the first place, and clearly, clearly…those of us in open marriages have no clue as to values…and obviously, obviously you hear ‘open marriage’ and think ‘anything goes’ which to you, I’m assuming, implies I fuck Satan.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

I mean, does it matter if the girl is married, if it doesn’t matter to @FunSteve ?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Skaggfacemutt Well, clearly…it does…seeing how it seems absurd to the OP that this person would agree to go out when married.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Actually @Skaggfacemutt I find the whole thing amusing. He didn’t “find” out she was married at all. @FunSteve knows almost nothing about this woman except where she works. Facebook is not all knowing. For crying out loud, she might not even be a mom. I have all sorts of friends that list nieces & nephews as their “children” on FB.

I set my account up wrong so that my aunt shows up as my niece. Personally I don’t gve a damn, as I rarely even use FB. I only keep an account because some relatives/friends were insistant I contact them through FB.

This entire thread makes me chuckle. So much of the info @FunSteve listed is imagined.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

I didn’t ever say he “found out” that she was married. If you read my previous answer, I said that she seems to be a game-player regardless of the scenario:

1. She isn’t married but says she is on FB
2. She is married or going through a divorce and doesn’t tell FunSteve about it up front.
3. She is in an open relationship and doesn’t tell FunSteve so that he can decide if he is still interested.

I had the experience of dating a guy who later told me he was married. I wasn’t amused. I thought the least he could do was tell me the situation and then let ME decide if that was okay with me.

SpatzieLover's avatar

The assumption she’s playing games is from info he found on FB, not through actual words this woman said @Skaggfacemutt.

Not everyone (including myself) trusts people looking at their FB wall. Many people put all sorts of things on there that aren’t true. None of this makes me conclude she plays games at all.

The facts are in the details: She’s a hairdresser. They had good conversation. He asked her out. She gave him her digits.

He didn’t ask her if she was seeing anyone, or if she was single. @FunSteve doesn’t know anything more than the original details given.

This isn’t in social. I’ll leave now

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

@spatzielover He knows what she has posted on her FB page. That is concrete information to me – and I don’t mean that the facts she posted are true or not – just the fact that she posted them to me is telling. Those facts are either true or not true, correct? If they are true, then I would call her a game-player by encouraging a guy to ask her for a date without telling him the situation. If they are not true, I would call her a game-player because she posts lies on her FB and would wonder what that’s all about. That is all I am saying.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I am sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you. Even people who are in open marriages can have integrity – and the integrity would be to let a potential suitor know the situation so that he/she can decide for themselves if they want to get involved.

I wish that the guy I was involved with would have had the integrity to do that. But then, he wasn’t in an open marriage. He was just an a-hole!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Skaggfacemutt I appreciate that response but you shouldn’t say ‘even people who are in open marriages’ since that first word implies that generally, they don’t.

Blueroses's avatar

Why not send her a text? Keep it light and non-accusing; something like, “I can’t believe I didn’t ask this before I asked you out, but are you single?” (add a smiley or something)

Give her a chance to answer.

In my opinion, the only FB relationship statuses should be single and it’s complicated

6rant6's avatar

I’d text her this: “Your Facebook page says you’re married. Do I sound disappointed?”

HungryGuy's avatar

Ignore her Facebook page and carry on as if you don’t know. See where it goes. Some people want to get out of a bad marriage, but are afraid to do so “alone” and want to be in a new relationship first.

You’ll need to have a frank discussion soon enough, but don’t put her on the spot before things even get started.

And sometimes, there’s the very practical problem that someone wants out, but has nowhere to go, and needs a new home before leaving the old one.

mrrich724's avatar

She wants the bone, maybe on the side, maybe she’s getting a divorce. Text and ask!

SpatzieLover's avatar

Can you give us an update @FunSteve?

mrrich724's avatar

Yes, Please!

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