General Question

ashley6127's avatar

What does he want from me?

Asked by ashley6127 (25points) March 4th, 2010

I dated my boyfriend for nine months. We broke up two weeks ago. The fighting was unbarable for both of us. When I tried to get a clean break he begged me to stay in his life as his friend. I tried. As much as it hurt me, I tried to be his friend to bring him happiness. Then he started changing. He started sending me mixed signals by saying he still loved me and by kissing me. When I tried to talk to him he would just say I don’t know. Then he started blowing me off and saying me and hurtful things. He only talks to me when it is convenient for him or when he needs something if you get what I’m saying. I love him, but he’s hurting me. He won’t tell me how he feels and tells me I am causing drama but won’t let me leave. I don’t know what he wants from me. </3

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46 Answers

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trailsillustrated's avatar

won’t let you leave? how? are you handcuffed to a chair in his room?

HTDC's avatar

@gailcalled Haha, just when you answered this. Perfect timing. ;)

ashley6127's avatar

gailcalled, then don’t answer it.
and no, clearly i am not handcuffed to a chair.

Cruiser's avatar

I wouldn’t bother trying to find out. Find someone who actually cares about you.

trailsillustrated's avatar

so what do you mean he won’t let you leave- why can’t you just leave

Buttonstc's avatar

He wants to keep you hanging around for his needs.

Ya just never know when a booty call comes in handy.

Why would you keep hanging on with him?Drop him. You can do much better.

Wake up and smell the coffee !

erichw1504's avatar

He wants you to ask Fluther what he wants from you.

HTDC's avatar

@ashley6127 The fact is, no one can know what another person’s motives or thoughts are. We can only speculate, if you want real answers asking the guy straight up is the only way, as hard as it is.

Trillian's avatar

He wants a back up piece of ass if his current plans don’t work out. IMO.

gailcalled's avatar

No one can make you do something; you choose to stay. He cannot force you not to leave.
Free will and backbone….

noyesa's avatar

You should probably leave. But then again I doubt you think it’s really that simple considering you’re asking this question on Fluther, but really, it is.

njnyjobs's avatar

What’s holding you back? Is it possible that you have repressed feelings for him still?

If you’re tired of the drama, just kick the habit and move on…change your phone number or block his calls if you want to keep your number. If you’re not happy being with him, let him know and head for splitsville.

Oh, and to speculate an answer for your question . . . what does he want . . . a back pocket GF he can pull out as needed when he itches.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Who cares what he wants?Live your life without him.You’ll be happier :)

ashley6127's avatar

Thanks. The only thing that keeps me from leaving is the fact the I do love him. And believe me I’ve tried asking him how he feels and what he wants. His words were, “If I wouldn’t talk about my feelings when we were together why would I talk about them now?” I almost laughed at him.

marinelife's avatar

You were right the first time to go for a clean break. maybe you two can be friends later, but now is not a good time.

Cut him off.

tedibear's avatar

Why in the world does it matter what he wants? He’s playing games and wants to keep you around for unknowable reasons of his own. You don’t need to know those answers in order to live your own life.

Cut off all contact with him. Tell him no more calls, no more texts, no drop-ins, no email, nothing. Then stick to it. Go live your life without him You don’t need the drama or hassle.

Your_Majesty's avatar

Be consistent. If he’s your friend then he must act like a friend should be. From what I can see he was lying at time when he asks you to just be his friend. No one like tricky relationship. So you better find another new boyfriend to clear your status with him.

CMaz's avatar

“The fighting was unbearable for both of us”
First mistake.

“I tried to be his friend”
Second mistake.

“He only talks to me when it is convenient”
That is code for.. When he is horny.

“but won’t let me leave.”
Now, that is F’ed up.

“What does he want from me?”
Someone to shit on.

aprilsimnel's avatar

“Why in the world does it matter what he wants?”

Co-sign 100%. Yeah. Who cares about him? He messed up. bzzzzt! Game over. Don’t speak to him. Stop. No text. No phone call. No going over. No hanging out where he is. No calling his buddies/mother/5th cousin twice removed and asking after him. Zip. Nada. Zilch.



ashley6127's avatar

I know, I know.

tedibear's avatar

@ashley6127 – If you know, then for the sake of your emotional health: QUIT IT! Unless you’re enjoying the drama, in which case keep going and keep it to yourself.

gemiwing's avatar

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are healthy for you to be with or around.

Scooby's avatar

Sounds like he just want you around for Sex, doing the house work, fetch a beer from the fridge, cook his meals etc, etc, etc!! So if your looking for a change of scene, call me! ;-)
I’ve been looking for a woman like you for years!! Just kidding, get outta there!! Quick smart……… :-/

njnyjobs's avatar

@ashley6127 and I might add to @tedibear39 , your self confessed love may be the problem you’re facing. Unless you have a subconscious inkling to BDSM.

Love yourself first, spare yourself the misery and heed the consensus here.

wundayatta's avatar

I think making the transition from lover to friend is very difficult. One person or the other will harbor those loving feelings and want to use “friendship” as a way to get back together. The easiest (in the long run) way to break a relationship is to do it quickly and completely.

Your boyfriend is gone. Like to another planet. You don’t know what he means, and he is far worse. He doesn’t even want to think about it. If you’re there when he wants some lovin, cool. He doesn’t need you for anything else.

You are holding on because you hope, hope, hope you can get back together. You say you still love him. He’s taking advantage of that and giving you nothing in return. How long do you want to keep letting him do that?

TooBlue's avatar

Probably just sex.

kyraugh's avatar

He’s using you. And he will continue to unless you put a stop to it. All of it. And then, when you are strong enough to tell him to get rid, he will find someone else to use. It’s a cycle and a power thing.

definitive's avatar

Mmmmhhhh interesting!!!

Hard but harsh I say but my advise is to cut your losses…been there, doing it and still wearing the t-shirt…but my head is held high and my chin is up :)

neverawake's avatar

jsut another loser in your life you’ll have to deal with until you find the guts to dump him :)

phillis's avatar

There are several reasons that so many people react in an unhealthy manner even while knowing that a clean break is the best course of action. They might understand that intellectually, but their emotions overide thier higher judgement.

The first thing to understand is: It doesn’t have to be that way. We are NOT slaves to our emotions. I believe in earnest that Hollywood, et. al., has perpetuated this false belief with the drivel that has been thrown at us all our lives, ad nauseum. That does not absolve us from coming to terms with it, however.

We DO have it within us the ability to just say no. The fact is that real life is way more painful than movies and dime store novels would like us to believe. The scenarios are intended to be utilized as escapes ONLY, not as a way of life. Somewhere along the line, we got way off-course.

Let’s deconstruct the anatomy of a celluloid romance:

“You complete me.” (I’m not a whole person unless I have someone else with me, nor is there any chance of feeling fulfillment in any part of my life unless said person is in my life. Real happiness only exists when I am romantically linked to another person).

“Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” (Shoot me now. Nobody can meet this impossibly high standard. If our loved one also happens to be tragically dying, we’re sentenced ourselves to the flames of eternal hell).

Moving on, we come from a long, proud tradition of hopelessly fucked up, dysfunctional people. Have you ever tried to break from the roles you grew up seeing the adults play around you? It’s damn near impossible. It can take you years to relearn how to do things in a healthy way (but it’s highly worth it, let there be no doubt). The brain does NOT like an empty slate. We are programmed to emulate what we see, right down to mannerisms and facial expressions in countless situations. Recognize the games, and you have a fighting chance at escaping the misery.

Speaking of misery…...there are no awards for who suffers the most, or the longest. A person is not going to suddenly see what they’ve been missing in me all this time just because I am suffering enormously due to my undying love and devotion to them. To the contrary, it’s kind of pathetic. I look like a wreck of a human being with zero self-esteem who is happy to follow the person to the absolute ends of the Earth if they would just give me a crumb off their table.

The “let’s be friends” approach sounds like a good idea in theory, but it almost never works. For one thing, most relationships were never friends to begin with, so let’s be honest about that and call it what it is. For another thing, a “clean break” is not a way to cheat the system. It means stop seeing, calling, texting, writing, chatting, emailing, and showing up where you know damn well the other person is going to be. Save yourself the extended misery.

Finally, it is imperitive that we examine the people we are choosing (yes, I said choosing) to become romantically involved with. If you are constantly being shat upon, eventually it needs to dawn in you that you are choosing assholes, who, not uncoincidentally, match your self-image to a “T”. Now, you could blame each and every one of them until you’ve lived you entire life in misery, but if you want any chance of happiness in a HEALTHY relationship, you are going to have to sacrifice something pretty damn major in order to have it. Since you cannot possibly control everyone around you, then perhaps you can control who you are choosing to pair up with. Just a thought.

pearls's avatar

@phillis Great answer!!!

phillis's avatar

@pearls Thank you! I’d rather not divulge how I learned those lessons, if you don’t mind. Bahahah!! :D

wundayatta's avatar

@phillis I do believe that that is the single most helpful answer I have ever seen for this type of question. Thank you. I learned a lot. Where have you been hiding?

phillis's avatar

@wundayatta Hiya! I have been slaying personal demons, naturally :) I got my ass kicked around the block a few times, then recently found my footing again. Thank you for the appreciation. It feels good to taste success again! Thanks for playing a part in it :)

mollypop51797's avatar

What are you still doing there! You need to put him aside and care about yourself. I’m sure you’re a great person, and if you were willing to stay with him when he begged you not to go that’s great. But I think it’s time now that you do do something that will benefit yourself, and him.

davidbetterman's avatar

He is broken. He is what is termed “Codependent.” How old are you and he?

tedibear's avatar

@phillis – Holey moley! I hope you saved that answer somewhere so you can copy and paste it into all of the other relationship questions like this. It was awesome! If mulitple lurve was possible, that was an answer that deserved it.

pearls's avatar

@phillis Doesn’t make any difference to me how you learned those lessons. Still a great answer.

phillis's avatar

@tedibear39 I had no clue when I wrote it that it was going to help people become clearer in thier thinking on fluther, but I swear to you – I have relationships down cold. You might find me in a dark corner somewhere, licking my wounds after slaying other types of personal demons (I’ve never pretended to have my shit completely together), but I easily know this road. It is really important (to me, at least) to share, so I bring it to the table. If it helps, then the goal was met.

I just think that life isn’t supposed to suck this badly. We were not born for the sole purpose of suffering, only to die in the end. What would be the point? Everything around us has REASON in it which works on a premise of opposing forces existing in harmony…..yin and yang…..positive and negative…...rain and sunshine…...good and evil… get the point. Even stars and planets are able to maintain an overall constant assigned distance from each other in and amidst a balance of forces emitted by each of them that we named gravity. For example, our Milky Way galaxy maintains it’s spiral pattern. It doesn’t just float off aimlessly somehere.

When any balance in our universe, be it in the heavens or on Earth, is disrupted, everything goes into a state of chaos. If land pushes too hard against other land, we get volcanoes and earthquakes. If it rains too much, we call that deluge of water a monsoon. We even have names for these events because they are so destructive! So, doesn’t it make sense that, if we are plopped into the center of a universe that works on a principle of checks and balances, that we would, too? That made perfect sense to me.

There had to be more to the story than everybody suffering so much, so I went looking. This is what I found. The balance we are supposed to have in all our dealings, is between head and heart (I would go into how I arrived at that conclusion that our balance centers around head and heart, but it’s kinda dry, to be honest). When we do not have proper equilibrium, we are unhappy. Since it isn’t normal (and is very destructive) to have constant rain, it makes sense that unhappiness is NOT a normal state.

We were given a (metaphorical) heart and a brain, to be used as a sort of internal symbiotic relationship. They are to work in conjunction with each other to achieve a state of stasis. You don’t use just your heart for relationships, and the brain just at work. When we feel discomfort or unhappiness, it is for a purpose, and intended to only be temporary, NOT ongoing. Those times are like forest fires – they are bad, but they happen ONLY so that something positive can come from it. For a forest, it’s to replenish nitrogen for new growth. It is a process of renewal.

For us, it is to learn lessons intended to enhance our lives, not make us unhappy forever. the whole idea is to be replenished, healthier, and to move forward toward something better. 100% of everything “bad” is intended for the sole purpose of making us healthy and happy.

This is why constantly reliving a painful past, or hating yourself for making mistakes, or holding grudges against others, or being unable to forgive, or not letting the bad things go, is so unhealthy. We cannot possibly thrive in any such environment, when everything else around us is geared expressly toward diametrically opposed goals. Everything around us gives life, and works to create it and nurture it. If we live any other way other than than that in this environment, it is contraindicative to an environment we were biologically created to live in, in harmony.

And that, precisely, is why the way we currently live inside our relationships, does not work. We were never designed to be unhappy in the first place.

tedibear's avatar

@phillis – please marry me! Or adopt me! at a minimum, add me to your fluther! That was beautifully written. I think I need to print it and read it every day.

wundayatta's avatar

@phillis There was a recent article in the New York Times that talked about how depression might not be all negative. In depression, the mind will often go round and round about the same topic, seemingly trapped. This is called ruminating. A researcher suggests that ruminating helps us to understand phenomena better. It is something similar to what you said when you opined that these things are for a purpose.

As you suggested, if we ruminate forever, it will probably kill us, but if we do it until we have gained some realization, then it will help us be happier in the long run. I like this idea, because it helps me tell a good story about why I sometimes felt I needed to be depressed.

phillis's avatar

@wundayatta Depression is a form of imbalance within the organism, right? It is an interruption, cessation, or distortion of the flow of chemicals within the brain (seratonin, norepinephrine, etc.). It is a fascinating subject, to say the least! But I’m afraid to go much further, only because it veers a little too far away from the topic the quesion intended. But if you’d like to make a question about it, I’d be glad to join you there. Just send me the link :)

@tedibear39 Welcome to my fluther! Kick off yer shoes and get comfortable. Here’s the remote to the TV :)

wundayatta's avatar

I have already asked the question—something about what the upside to depression is. You could revive that if you wanted.

phillis's avatar

@wundayatta Great! I’ll have a look at it. I wasn’t aware it existed, so thank you :)

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