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PacificToast's avatar

Secret Admirer No Longer A Secret Problemo?

Asked by PacificToast (1605points) April 2nd, 2010

First, to understand what action I would take, you must understand my stance on dating:

Dating is to find a spouse which I am not currently seeking.

I’ve recently been informed of a secret admirer, and have just now discovered the identity. Through a text. He’s shy, so I can understand that part. But I don’t know how to go about this sort of situation where one is attracted to another. I’ve done nothing to gain anyone’s attention, and have only spoken to him once or twice, and strictly on educational group work. How do I approach this guy and let him know I’m not romantically inclined to anyone?

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20 Answers

MagicalMystery's avatar

if he’s a secret admirer and did not tell you himself that he’s admiring you, then i would say you don’t have to tell him anything.

PacificToast's avatar

@MagicalMystery Ah, but he did Through a friend of his if that counts.

MagicalMystery's avatar

so i would then tell the friend to tell him i am not interested, and it’s not him it’s just that i am not interested in any romantic relationship at this time.

ninjacolin's avatar

you’re only interested in dating for the purpose of finding a spouse..
do you expect the first person you date to become your spouse? This isn’t a very realistic perspective.

it would be more intelligent to see what this individual has to offer. go for coffee, talk with them, see if they annoy you or not. everything you experience with this individual will contribute to your ability to identify your future spouse, whether it be this person or someone else in the far future.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

I’m still trying to understand your stance on dating: Dating is to find a spouse which I am not currently seeking.

How do I parse that?

“Dating is [done] to find a spouse [, but] I am not currently looking [for a spouse]?” I can comprehend the intent here, although it’s not what the sentence says. (And doesn’t make a lot of sense, in any case. But it’s your stance, not mine.)


“Dating is [done] to find a spouse [whom] I would just as soon stay lost?” This is harder to understand unless you admit that you’re already married and this was the actual intent of the sentence.

I know, I know: this scratches me from the list of potential candidates. It’s okay, though; some chicks on Fluther really dig good syntax.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@ninjacolin she may be a determinist, dude. It may be that she’s destined to marry the first guy she dates. In fact, that’s part of some cultures, isn’t it?

MagicalMystery's avatar

maybe she means this guy is not husband material? based upon what she knows about him.

PacificToast's avatar

@ninjacolin I mean when I’m of legal marrying age. I’m fine with friendship, just not romantic pursuits. I’m probably being pretty foolish as you pointed out, but that’s youth.

@CyanoticWasp I happen not to be a determinist, but I really want to focus on my academics rather than relationships in which I may get entangled.

I don’t even know this guy. I mean I know his name, but other than than? Nothing. He likes Modest Mouse I think.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@PacificToast I second and applaud your focus on academics and writing; work on your writing.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Just ignore him and he will most likely go away. Guys HATE being ignored! : )

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@CaptainHarley I haven’t gone away. You’ve been ignoring me since AnswerBag, and here I still am.

CaptainHarley's avatar


LMAO! Are you attracted to me? If so, you’re DEFINITELY barking up the wrong tree, dude! : D

Pandora's avatar

@PacificToast I’m assuming your are young since your bio says you are in school. Your kind of right.
Dating is to meet people and develop a relationship of some sort. Whether just friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, or a booty call or in the hopes of getting a deeper relationship that may head towards marriage.
Seems like right now you are not interested in any of the above and that this boy is very interested in you. I would say to just bring up a conversation one day with him and talk about yourself and your interests and how you want to focus on yourself and your studies. Then you can veer off to how you really don’t have time to be in a relationship and how you don’t desire to be in one for a few years. He will get the idea and hopefully not take it personal.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

@Pandora of course your meaning is perfectly clear to anyone who is mature enough to say out loud to a girl (in words or actions that mean the same thing): “Hey, I like you and I’m interested in developing a relationship. Wanna screw?”

But for someone who has his friend mention that he’s a “secret admirer” ... this will totally fail. All he’ll be thinking is, “I’m halfway to heaven! She’s talking to me! We’re now in a relationship! w00t—She loves me!—I’m gettin’ some tonight!”


Steer entirely clear of “secret admirers”. Move, if you have to.

UScitizen's avatar

Have your friend of a friend tell him you’re a lesbian. Then, forget it.

Just_Justine's avatar

If he likes you and you are not interested it’s his problem not yours. I would just ignore it.

ThrallKiller's avatar

My serious side wants to say “Good for you!” for preferring to commit yourself to your studies. My goofy side wants to tell you “Live a little for crying out loud!” after seeing the comment about dating just to find a spouse. For a long time, I dated just to go out and have fun. I wasn’t interested in getting married, but I still had fun taking ladies out for an evening.

PacificToast's avatar

@ThrallKiller I already live a little, just not with people that ask for my number through a mediator. I do have friends, but dating just doesn’t interest me.

gailcalled's avatar

@CyanoticWasp: I know, I know: this scratches me from the list of potential candidates. It’s okay, though; some chicks on Fluther really dig good syntax.

Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty.

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