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snooproch's avatar

Is my girlfriend taking advantage or am i being selfish?

Asked by snooproch (19points) April 17th, 2010

My girlfriend moved in with me about eight months ago. When I met her she had her own place and a car (it was her fathers that she used regurely.) I make a decent living for myself. I can afford to pay rent lease a car and pay my bills, but with not much money left over after that. A few months after being together she got evicted from her apartment for not paying rent. I was forced into letting her live with me otherwise she would be living on the street.

Since she has moved in I spend most of the time resenting her and fighting with her. She only works a part time job and constantly teells me I have no money so I cant help with bills or rent. Five months ago her father took back her car from her and now she uses my car that i lease and pay for and have only a limited amount of miles on. She uses my car everyday . She does drop me off at work and pick me up but I still want my car back. I want to drive myself to work I want to be able to use it after work to do stuff and not have to drop her home first.

After five months of her using my car I told her that i would like to set a day that I can get my car back and I will give her two weeks to figure out how to get herself to work. She tells me that i am selfish and mean and sneaky. She told me I was a lier because I had origanlly allowed her to use it and now I am lying because I am telling her she cant use it anymore. All the miles in the car are almost used up because part of her job is driving around to different houses, so now I will not be able to use the car in the summer to go visit my nieces and nephews or do anything fun because there will be no miles left.

She also does not pay any rent or pay for bills. She has her stuff in a storage room that she has to pay for therefore she tells me she can not pay rent. The rent is 800 and all I asked of her was 200 for rent and bills. She pays 200 on her storage room so I figured that was fair. Then I would be paying 600 for rent and about 200 for bills. not including car payment and credit card bills. She says i am being selfish and not understanding and that their is no way she is going tobe able to pay the rent.

Hpow can she think two hundred doillars for rent is to much. If she wasn’t living with me she would not find anywhere else where she pays 200 for rent.

She does cook for me and clean up the house a little bit. But I pay for the food that she cooks. She also walks my dog but I took her in and her two dogs and now she is telling me I have to let her other dog which is a pitbull live with me. I dont want to live with all these dogs and she says that I am a lier again because I had previously told her that I would like to live with the dogs. However now that it is actually going to happen it frightens me since our apartment is so small.

She constantly complains about everything i do. If i watch tv to loud she complains of aa head ache. If I want the dorr closed when i go to sleep she complains she cant breathe. My entire life has been taken over by her and I am close to losing my mind.
we just moved to a new apartment together that I apyed for but she fixed up and did all the work in it. I soent over 1000 on fixing the apartment up but she was the one who put in the floor and painted and fixed up the place so she feels that it doesnt matter that i pay for everything and pay the rent because she did the work in the apartment.

Also if i kick her out she has no place to live and will be living on the street. But she already told be that she would not leave anyways and I have no more money to move to another place after putting every cent I had into fixing this place up and moving into this apartment.

I dont know what to to do. Oh yeah she says I am being selfish about the car also because when I drive iut to work it just sits on the street and I dont need it at work. But to me its about the miles I want to be able to use the car in the summer when I am on vacatiuon from work.

Am I being selfish or are my concerns valid? I am so confused becuase she is a much better talker than I am and turns everything around to make me sound like the bad one.

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24 Answers

gorillapaws's avatar

Dude, you do NOT want to be shackled to a woman like that for the rest of your life. CUT AND RUN as soon as you can.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

You should run away from home. I know it will be tough to give up a treasure like your girl,but sometimes one has to do the tough thing…;)

Janka's avatar

Correction: her father took his car back from her, not hers, if it was originally his like you describe.

It is obvious from what you say that you are not happy in this relationship. You and her quarrel all the time. You cannot agree on some very basic things: who pays for what, which pets live with you. You also cannot get along in everyday minor things: who watches TV when, whether to close the bedroom door or not. In addition, you both count and compare and want to make sure you get as much as you give: “I paid for this”, “yes, but I did all the work”.

It is impossible for Fluther to tell you which of you, you or the girlfriend, is right or wrong. We just have your story. Hers would likely be different. Very likely you are both wrong. But it does not matter, really. Happy relationships are not about “fair” or “selfish”, they are not about who is in the right. The real question here about whether you both get from the relationship what you need from it, whether you both feel you can respect the other person so much that it does not really matter who gives or gets more, because whichever way it goes, you both win.

It sounds to me you don’t. And it does not matter whose fault it is. What matters is if you can fix it. If you cannot, you had better end it.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Looks like she has settled down well with this living arrangement, and will be introducing more of her own rules. It will get to a point where she will tell you if you don’t like it you can simply leave!

MrGV's avatar

Hit and quit.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

This is the kind of person (female or male) who will wreck your life, wreck your credit, and throw you into chaos. She is a leech and will suck the life out of you. Pack up her stuff, put her out, and change the locks. She needs to go back to being her parent’s problem. As long as you put up with it, she will never change.

She acts like you’re married to her and are responsible for her. I would suggest marital counseling. Even though you’re not married, she needs to hear it from a trained professional that she is destroying her relationship with you, and that you have no responsibilities towards her other than what you choose. And you need to understand that you are choosing this situation for yourself.

Your_Majesty's avatar

She’s already act like this as your girlfriend?,think about it if she’s your wife,you both will fighting all days for this. I think you better leave her(send her to her other relative,talk to her parent so she can live with them again,etc) before you’re going to regret it. I think as long as you don’t bother each other it’ll be just fine. I’m quite agree with her about the loud TV issue,you disturb her(don’t tell me that you don’t like it because it’s your house,you accept her in your life and house that’s mean it’s your consequence to respect each other). But I don’t agree about her pets(you can simply say that you can’t afford for another living person/pet anymore). She might takes advantage from you,if you don’t like this then you should kick her out right away. The more you tolerate her decision the more she think all her decisions are all right and accepted. You’ve let your pity to control you,just try to be strict and rational with her for the sake of your personal life!

partyparty's avatar

It would appear she is more than happy with the arrangements, and understandably so. She has everything she could possibly want.
Tell her to either pay more rent, get herself another car, or go live with her parents.
You are NOT being selfish, she is the one who is selfish.
You sound like a nice person, and you don’t need to be treated like this. She should take responsibility for her own needs, it’s certainly not your responsibility.
Don’t tolerate her behaviour.

bob_'s avatar

Drop her like a bad habit.

Listen to Kanye.

thecuke's avatar

There is absolutely no reason why you should put up with this. I understand it has to be hard to ask your girlfriend to leave, or ask her to contribute more, monetarily because you know her situation and are “with” her. However, she’s taking advantage of you. She obviously wasn’t too concerned about losing her own apartment because she must have assumed she would just move in with you, which she did. It’s definitely unfair that she used your relationship as a way to have herself taken care of without having to worry about bills and transportation. Based on how you’ve portrayed her, I think you’ll risk a break-up (if you don’t already want one) by giving her no choice but to contribute or get out. However, if she’s like this now, you probably don’t want her for life. I’d give her two weeks to find another part time job so she has more money to help out or at the very least more money to pay for her own car. You shouldn’t feel like you can’t live the way you want to in your own apartment when you were more or less forced to provide her with a place to live. You might “take away” things you pay for that aren’t necessary that she also likes – such as going out to eat, internet, cable tv… something. I know you’d suffer that loss as well, but if you tell her you can’t afford those things, she might suddenly discover she has a little more money to contribute than she originally thought.

Janka's avatar

@partyparty I am not sure she is happy with the arrangements either. If you read between the lines, her story could be something like the following:

The boyfriend seems to think it is his house alone, because he paid for everything, regardless of the fact that she did all the work. He refuses to turn the TV down when she has a headache, and closes the bedroom door that she would prefer open. He takes away the car she needs to get a livelihood, and does not want her dog in the apartment, just his own. They quarrel all the time.

I am quite certain the unhappiness is likely mutual.

tranquilsea's avatar

It is time to end it if things are this bad. You are going to end up resenting her more and more and the situation could get much worse. You have already given her some ultimatums that she scoffed at. You need to talk to her and let her know that it’s over and she need to make plans to be out by “X”. Then be firm. If she resists even that, then you could always move again and leave her behind.

Pretty_Lilly's avatar

Unless she looks like Paris Hilton did at 18 drop her ass !

Ludy's avatar

Oh, I’m so sorry for you @snooproch, just by reading your story make me feel like I was the one being used, ( yes, your being used) But what I don’t understand is if you don’t have a lot of money left after paying the bills, how did you come up with the 1,000?

Pandora's avatar

Wow, this sounds all very depressing. Tell her she is going to have to find a full time job that doesn’t require her moving about so much and preferably something near buy. When my husband and I had a problem with one vehicle, I got a job within walking distance until I was able to find an even better job where I could afford to make my own car payment. The person who earns the least should make the adjustment.
Since you got a new place with her, I can see where she may have thought you were ok with things. You should’ve asked her to move out before you moved. Now its no longer your place it belongs to the both of you. You both will be equally responsible for the rent till the end of the lease. Leasing offices does not care who moved out. Or who pays what share of the rent. Your both responsible now and will have to make the best out of the situation.
If she doesn’t get a better job than I suggest you send her packing to dad. I don’t see why he didn’t take her in and you had too. Was it, he wouldn’t or she didn’t want to go back home?
But to answer your question, she is being selfish because she is refusing to see that you are not responsible for her life. She has to learn to pull herself up by her own boot staps.
However, you did come in the white and shinny armor get up and now you can’t really blame her for feeling you lied about your hero status. Explain to her you are human and you simply intended not to see her in the streets. Not necessarily be the answer to all that ails her. Tell her you fell for a truly independent woman and that is who you want back. Also tell her that in a relationship there needs to be balance of responsibilities for it to work and you feel the relationship is one sided.
Put it to her this way. Tell her, life is an up hill battle and right now you feel like an ox pulling a wagon up a hill with her (another ox) sitting in the wagon. Life would be easier and things would be much more efficient if you both were pulling the same wagon.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

What’s really going on is you resent your gf for not understanding how the leased miles work on your car. You acknowledge she puts in work around the home that might sit better with you even if she doesn’t pay half the bills but the car thing is driving you nuts. Her not understanding or being selfish about how the used up miles affect you being able see other people than her is a problem. It’s almost like she’s using them in disregard of your other loved ones? Talk it out. If you want more money support than ask for it, she can work a f/t job or respect the generosity on your terms… or leave to make her own way. Seriously though, call her shite on the car miles and shut her down.

OreetCocker's avatar

Bin her, and her dogs. Do it right now!

Trillian's avatar

Kick her to the curb. This is a leech who is sucking the life force from you. You do not have the resources for this crap, and I say this as a person who just went through a similar situation. i had to give him the boot. He was homeless when I let him in and homeless when I threw him out. While he was in my home, he used my internet connection to look at porn, advertise himself as single looking for dating and serious relationships on a my-space page, and he used drugs when a stipulation for moving in was NO DRUGS to which he agreed. He then went from; “I want to clean up my act and I need you to help me stay off drugs” to; “What’s the big deal? I only do them a little bit” to; “Why aren’t you taking me to help me get the drugs I need you selfish bitch?”
Yeah, you’ll find yourself compromising more and more just to keep the peace until you wake up one day and wonder how the hell it got this far into the zone in which you never wanted to be.
Give her a time frame, take your keys, and don’t leave her alone with your stuff for a minute. And do not let her pit bull anywhere near the place. They are good dogs, but enough is enough. She is not running anything, you are.
She isn’t going to leave. What a load of crap. Is her name on the lease? You go to the sheriff department, prepare an eviction notice of the least possible number of days, have the sheriff serve it to her, and buckle up for a bumpy ride. She may find accommodations in the county lock up where she’ll have three hots and a cot.
Please keep me posted. I’m interested now.

thriftymaid's avatar

It sounds like she needs to have her own place. You are not selfish.

mollypop51797's avatar

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all! Selfish people don’t lend their cars, or homes to people, or pay the bills and for the car.I think that you two, if you want to be together, should work out boundaries. It doesn’t sound like you’re compromising, it sounds like you’re taking both loads here. If you two really want to be with each other, then you really need to set boundaries and enforce them. But seriously, don’t waste your time on her.

Ludy's avatar

Do you love her?

britannia25's avatar

Get out of that situation as soon as you can. It always hurts to break it off with someone you have feelings for, but your life will become easier and you will find someone else.

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